Woman Bullies & Threatens Herself on Facebook - Authorities Press Charges

FRANKFORT, KY – “Cyber bullying is a very serious issue in our country and it’s gotten so bad that some teenagers are even taking their own lives after being bullied on social networks like Facebook and Twitter,” says local resident Shelly Parone.  “I can’t believe someone in our community, in our state, would target such hateful words and bullying tactics just because someone voiced their opinion.  People need to realize that we do still live in a free country.  If I want to go to Wal-Mart and voice my opinion about what people wear in public then I’m allowed to do it.  Now, sure, it wouldn’t be a good decision because one of those crazy people might attack me but it’s my right to voice my opinion.  These people just need to leave that woman alone.  She’s just voicing her opinion, she ain’t hurting anyone.”

According to authorities, a local blogger, Brandy Parrish, made a statement on one of her blogs that caused her to get bullied and threatened on Facebook.  On her blog, Parrish said, “I don’t like men with long hair.  They look like hippies and are probably using the same hair products as me and other women.  What’s so manly about that?  Maybe they should look inside their boxers and see if they still have enough equipment to be called a man.”  Such a comment would certainly rub more then a few people wrong but instead of responding directly on her Creative Aluminum Can Projects Tumblr blog, a certain person found Parrish on Facebook and made verbal threats on her timeline.  Brandy, who did not have any security settings in place on her Facebook page, immediately received support from family members following social networking aggression.  Even all 13 of her friends on Facebook were appalled by the attack.

Upon further investigation, however, authorities discovered that Brandy had made those threats herself by creating a fake Facebook account.  Frankfort officials say that Ms. Parrish did, in fact, author the online threats but then lied about it.  “She’ll receive a misdemeanor charge of interfering with an investigation but we’re unsure of how to proceed with this right now,” said Frankfort police spokesman Joseph Tiller.  “Ms. Parrish says it wasn’t actually her who made the threats to herself, it was the voice in her head who made the threat.  We are currently waiting for some legal advice on how to proceed; nobody wants the wrong person charged.”

In the mean time, Brandy says she will continue with her blog while the legal issue gets worked out.  “Maybe I’ll get some more followers on Tumblr and will add a few more friends on Facebook because of all of this,” Brandy said.  Perhaps, Ms. Parrish, there are other ways to get attention.

Missouri Burglar is Burning Toilet Paper in Microwaves After Wiping Homes Clean

SPRINGFIELD, MO – “I was completely panicked when I came home and got a whiff of that burning smell all through my house.  Of course, I was confused when I found the burned toilet paper inside of my microwave.  I was lucky that it didn’t burn the whole house down,” said Ozark resident Lynne Hart.  “At first, I thought it was a dumb prank that my son or one of his friends pulled while blaring their ridiculous Daft Punk music.  It wasn’t until the next day when I was watching the Today Show when I realized that something was amiss in my house.  I noticed that some of my jewelry and other small valuables were missing.  We contacted the police and an officer took my statement.  He told me that this wasn’t the first incident in the area.  It’s very scary.”

Mrs. Hart is talking about a crime spree that is taking place in Springfield and the surrounding areas. The spree has taken local authorities by surprise and they are concerned that the spree may start moving north towards Jefferson City, Sedalia, and Warrensburg.  A spokesperson for the Springfield police department states that locals are dubbing the criminal as the TP Bandit because the burglar breaks into a residence, steals the valuable items, and then places toilet paper inside the microwave to burn.  “I would say this person has been experimenting with this concept awhile,” said SPD representative Cole Fortnern.  “The time on microwave appears to be set just long enough for the toilet paper to catch fire, burn, and smoke but it has not caught the microwave or house on fire yet.”

A criminal behavior specialist from Kansas City has been consulting on this series of burglaries, which now stands at 9, and she has a theory on the criminal’s unique calling card.  “The idea of creating a distraction to the home owner by burning something in the microwave is pretty genius so they don’t look for missing stuff right away.  This person is also taking small stuff because carrying a big screen TV out the back door will draw attention to yourself,” said Behavior Analyst Jill Williams.  When asked why the burglar didn’t use something like a bag of popcorn in the microwave, Williams interjected her own theory.  “I believe the burning of the toilet paper in the microwave is an important clue.  We believe this criminal is suffering from hemorrhoids and is giving us a clue by using the burning symbolically.  We don’t have proof of that right now but we believe that is why this person created such a unique calling card.”

While the Springfield police department continues to work the cases and look for leads, the rest of Southwest Missouri has been placed on alert regarding the TP Bandit.  They have advised all residents to make sure doors and windows are securely locked, keep on the lookout for suspicious people, and to immediately look for stolen items if you smell burning toilet paper when you return home.  And somewhere in this country, the Charmin Bears are crying.

Man Arrests Himself For Free Prison Health Care

NEW YORK CITY - Ben Reynolds hasn't always had the easy life. He's been laid off twice from decent paying jobs, gone through a tough divorce that took most of his stuff, and his two kids don't even call him "Daddy" any more. He's just "Ben" now. He's always had a bit of a smile on his face through every difficulty, however, and has always tried to look on the bright side of things.

That all changed today. "When the doctor at the shelter told me I had cancer, I was floored," Reynolds told us. "I didn't know what to do. I can't afford chemo. I can't even afford a quarter pounder at McDonald's."

For some people, they would just curl into the fetal position and hide near a warm steam vent. Others might hurl themselves off a tall building or bridge. Not Ben Reynolds. He decided that he needed to get healthcare so that he could be there for his children later on in life if they needed him.

Forget Obamacare. Reynolds made a citizen's arrest on himself for robbing himself of a Snicker's bar.

Detective Wilson Pickett said it's the craziest... and smartest thing he's ever seen in his life. "He plead guilty to robbing himself of something that he wanted. He arrested himself for it. Now he's going to get free healthcare in the prison system so that he can get the chemo he needs." Pickett shook his head. "It's too bad I can't figure out a way to do that so I don't have to go home to my wife every night."

Reynolds will get his first chemo treatment on Monday at the expense of the taxpayers. 'They wouldn't let me have Medicaid, so I got what I needed - Prisoncaid," said Reynolds. "They'll treat me good, I'll serve my 6 months until my case gets dropped or I get time served, and hopefully I'll come out of jail a cancer survivor."

"If I don't," said Reynolds, "I can always have myself arrested by myself for prostitution or something."

Florida School Teacher Fired For Refusing To Give Boss Nude Photos – NOT Because of Her Modeling Photos

Is it illegal for teachers to be sexy?  Only if you're Olivia Sprauer.

MARTIN COUNTY, FL – “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.”  When Right Said Fred lead singer Richard Fairbrass uttered those words in 1991, men and women on stripper stages across the country used it as their calling card. That calling card, like most one hit wonders, lasted a short time before a new song was blazing up the floor and poles.  22 years after it’s initial release, those words are now echoing loudly in the state of Florida as a 26-year-old woman finds herself out of a job because what she was, in fact, too sexy for her shirt and so sexy it hurts.

Olivia Sprauer was a high school English teacher at Martin County High School in Florida until her principal, Alfred Fabrizio, called her into his office and terminated her for some bikini modeling pictures she had taken.  Sprauer, like the majority of teachers in the country, sometimes struggles to make ends meet and must resort to finding a second job.  Olivia began her second job in February when she decided to do some bikini modeling under the name of Victoria James.  “The modeling gigs gave me another source of income,” said Sprauer.  “The photos aren’t nude nor are they offensive.  I even used a different name to keep it out of my every day job as a teacher.  I don’t think I did anything wrong here.  It’s not like I pulled a Farrah Abraham and sold my soul to the devil.”

Once the photos landed on Principal Fabrizio’s desk, he approached Olivia after school to discuss the possible ramifications of the photos being leaked into the public.  “Alfred talked to Olivia about the photos and was concerned about what it could do to the school district and even her career,” reported Sprauer’s roommate Deidra Collins.  “Fabrizio seemed pretty genuine in his concern but that quickly changed when he told Olivia that he would make the photos disappear and he would hide all of it from the School Board if she would text him some nude pictures.  Can you believe that pig?!?  He wanted some free nudes of her AND THEN he would help her.  Well, Olivia said ‘No Way’ and the next day he called her down to his office and terminated her.  What a load of crap! I told her to sue the district for wrongful termination.”

Disappointed that she was terminated, Sprauer said the district made the wrong decision, “I don’t make pornography.  I don’t open my legs on camera.  I take swimsuit glamour style photography.  Last time I checked, bikini’s were still legal in this state.”  While there was nothing immoral or illegal about Olivia’s photos, there is something immoral and illegal about Principal Fabrizio’s sexting ultimatum. “Alfred’s just a horny little gnome,” Olivia’s roommate Deidra Collins concluded, “and when Olivia didn’t give it up he got pissed.  The little man crossed the line when he fired her.  It’s not illegal for teacher’s to be sexy, ya know.”  Only in Florida, Deidra, only in Florida.

Professor Says Wearing Kilts Increases Sperm & Libido - Now the Entire Campus Wears Them

ROHNERT PARK, CA – New ideas to change the world are frequently nurtured and grown on college campuses across the country.  Students are encouraged to expand their minds and to think completely outside of the box.  While many college students will indulge in monumental alcohol consumption and sexual activity that would make the Free Love Generation of the 60’s jealous, a good college professor will help keep those students on the path despite their tendencies to sow their wild oats.  One such professor exists at Sonoma State University in California but this professor not only has his Sociology classes knee deep in his theories, he also has the entire campus following him.

About a month ago, Professor Jameson Righton went on a tangent during one of his lectures while discussing social sexual aggressions based on the type of clothing that a man or woman wear.  Righton had read a study conducted at Erasmus University in Rotterdam that showed how men’s sperm count has been drastically declining over the past 50-100 years.  “The clothing that women wear in today’s society can be very provocative and, at times, can leave very little to the imagination,” says Professor Righton.  “This type clothing, of course, gets a sexual reaction from the males but the problem with the males is that their clothing is too tight also.  The scrotal environment in American men is very restrictive and it’s damaging the body’s ability to reproduce sperm.”

“In simple terms,” Righton continued, “our testicles are too close to our body.  They’re burning up at 98.6 degrees instead of the highly productive 93 degrees.  Simply look at the countries in this world that have a high population and have to take measures to control their population; they are wearing looser clothing and have the ideal testicle temperature.  The younger generation needs to realize that every day, every month, and every year they are producing fewer and fewer sperm because of their clothes.  It’s time to make a change, to start a movement, and I propose that all men at Sonoma State start wearing kilts to achieve perfect scrotal environment and to increase our sperm count.” The students, of course, found the Professor’s lecture to be quite amusing but the uproar he caused 2 days later when he wore a kilt to class was priceless.

Professor Righton, however, was serious about his testicle temperature and continued to wear a kilt to every class.  Within two weeks, some of the male students in his classes began wearing kilts too and word quickly spread around the campus.  As of last week, Righton’s tangent has 89% of the male students at Sonoma State University are wearing kilts on a daily basis.  The University President, Dr. Ruben Arminana, was going to put a stop to the nonsense as the kilt wearing momentum began to grow but opted to support the movement after speaking with Professor Righton.  While there’s no proof that the men at Sonoma State University are raising their sperm count by wearing kilts, University Security Officials have stated that there has been a spike in the number of indecent exposure and public sex acts on campus thanks to the new “kilt campus” fad.  Thanks to Professor Righton, it sounds like the scrotal environment has been optimized in California.  Ay, fairly has . . . fairly has.