Friday, May 24, 2013
After much thought, delay, some more thought, a long administrative delay, a road trip, lots of catnip, a brand new scratching pole, and plenty of Grumpy Cat memes later, the next installment of Fever and Fractal is up and ready to be read! If you haven't seen F&F before, be sure to either catch up on the comics page or search out Fever & Fractal through the search box. Cheers!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Like all citizens, The Pummelo takes National Security very serious and to do our part, we are searching the country for trends in violence and terrorism so that all of us remain informed and alert. Here are the violators from the past week:
Mississippi – Police in Meridian are looking for a man who attempted to rob a Burger King restaurant through the drive up window. According to the report, a man pulled up to the drive up window, wearing a woman’s nylon on top of his head, and demanded money from an employee while holding a gun in his hand. The employee saw that the man had forgotten to pull the nylon down over his face to hide his identity and responded by closing the drive up window and calling 911. The case is still under investigation.
Idaho – Authorities responded to an elderly woman standing on her porch yelling, “Help.” When officials arrived, the woman told the officers that she was calling out for her grand daughter’s cat, named Help.
Missouri – A patrol car and an ambulance was dispatched in the small town of Salem after a middle aged woman called 911. The woman’s husband had apparently given himself and enema and had quickly become confused and argumentative.
Indiana – An elderly man contacted the local sheriff’s office about a suspicious person and vehicle tampering with people’s mailboxes. The man stated he thought the person could be a terrorist. Upon further investigation, the Sheriff’s deputy discovered it was the mailman and advised the elderly man to make an eye appointment.
North Dakota – Early Saturday morning, a man called local authorities to report that someone had broken into their house and stole a pound of bacon, a container of cream cheese, and a bag of bagels. Upon further investigation, police discovered that the man’s wife had gotten up for a late night snack and was afraid to admit it.
Nebraska – An Omaha woman was in court for warrants for petty theft, public drunkenness, fraudulent check writing, and 12 counts of failure to appear in court after being released on her own recognizance. The woman appeared before the judge and was then released on her own recognizance.
Arizona – A store clerk reported to local officials that two male college students entered the store around 12:05 am, loaded up two large birthday bags with lots of happy “Have a Nice Day” yellow face stickers, approximately 40 tubes of vaginal anti-fungal cream, and then left the store without paying for the items. The incident is still under investigation.
Arkansas – A woman contacted local officials about someone ringing her doorbell and running away when she arrived at the door. She believed it was local kids pulling pranks on her. A patrol unit responded to the woman’s residence and discovered that a UPS package had been delivered to her doorstep.
Georgia – A middle-aged woman called her local dispatch and claimed that someone had broken into her house. When the woman was asked if anyone was still there or if anything was missing, the panicked resident replied, “No, but they were messing with my DVD player because the time is wrong.”
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
FRANKFORT, KY – “Cyber bullying is a very serious issue in our country and it’s gotten so bad that some teenagers are even taking their own lives after being bullied on social networks like Facebook and Twitter,” says local resident Shelly Parone. “I can’t believe someone in our community, in our state, would target such hateful words and bullying tactics just because someone voiced their opinion. People need to realize that we do still live in a free country. If I want to go to Wal-Mart and voice my opinion about what people wear in public then I’m allowed to do it. Now, sure, it wouldn’t be a good decision because one of those crazy people might attack me but it’s my right to voice my opinion. These people just need to leave that woman alone. She’s just voicing her opinion, she ain’t hurting anyone.”
According to authorities, a local blogger, Brandy Parrish, made a statement on one of her blogs that caused her to get bullied and threatened on Facebook. On her blog, Parrish said, “I don’t like men with long hair. They look like hippies and are probably using the same hair products as me and other women. What’s so manly about that? Maybe they should look inside their boxers and see if they still have enough equipment to be called a man.” Such a comment would certainly rub more then a few people wrong but instead of responding directly on her Creative Aluminum Can Projects Tumblr blog, a certain person found Parrish on Facebook and made verbal threats on her timeline. Brandy, who did not have any security settings in place on her Facebook page, immediately received support from family members following social networking aggression. Even all 13 of her friends on Facebook were appalled by the attack.
Upon further investigation, however, authorities discovered that Brandy had made those threats herself by creating a fake Facebook account. Frankfort officials say that Ms. Parrish did, in fact, author the online threats but then lied about it. “She’ll receive a misdemeanor charge of interfering with an investigation but we’re unsure of how to proceed with this right now,” said Frankfort police spokesman Joseph Tiller. “Ms. Parrish says it wasn’t actually her who made the threats to herself, it was the voice in her head who made the threat. We are currently waiting for some legal advice on how to proceed; nobody wants the wrong person charged.”
In the mean time, Brandy says she will continue with her blog while the legal issue gets worked out. “Maybe I’ll get some more followers on Tumblr and will add a few more friends on Facebook because of all of this,” Brandy said. Perhaps, Ms. Parrish, there are other ways to get attention.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
SPRINGFIELD, MO – “I was completely panicked when I came home and got a whiff of that burning smell all through my house. Of course, I was confused when I found the burned toilet paper inside of my microwave. I was lucky that it didn’t burn the whole house down,” said Ozark resident Lynne Hart. “At first, I thought it was a dumb prank that my son or one of his friends pulled while blaring their ridiculous Daft Punk music. It wasn’t until the next day when I was watching the Today Show when I realized that something was amiss in my house. I noticed that some of my jewelry and other small valuables were missing. We contacted the police and an officer took my statement. He told me that this wasn’t the first incident in the area. It’s very scary.”
Mrs. Hart is talking about a crime spree that is taking place in Springfield and the surrounding areas. The spree has taken local authorities by surprise and they are concerned that the spree may start moving north towards Jefferson City, Sedalia, and Warrensburg. A spokesperson for the Springfield police department states that locals are dubbing the criminal as the TP Bandit because the burglar breaks into a residence, steals the valuable items, and then places toilet paper inside the microwave to burn. “I would say this person has been experimenting with this concept awhile,” said SPD representative Cole Fortnern. “The time on microwave appears to be set just long enough for the toilet paper to catch fire, burn, and smoke but it has not caught the microwave or house on fire yet.”
A criminal behavior specialist from Kansas City has been consulting on this series of burglaries, which now stands at 9, and she has a theory on the criminal’s unique calling card. “The idea of creating a distraction to the home owner by burning something in the microwave is pretty genius so they don’t look for missing stuff right away. This person is also taking small stuff because carrying a big screen TV out the back door will draw attention to yourself,” said Behavior Analyst Jill Williams. When asked why the burglar didn’t use something like a bag of popcorn in the microwave, Williams interjected her own theory. “I believe the burning of the toilet paper in the microwave is an important clue. We believe this criminal is suffering from hemorrhoids and is giving us a clue by using the burning symbolically. We don’t have proof of that right now but we believe that is why this person created such a unique calling card.”
While the Springfield police department continues to work the cases and look for leads, the rest of Southwest Missouri has been placed on alert regarding the TP Bandit. They have advised all residents to make sure doors and windows are securely locked, keep on the lookout for suspicious people, and to immediately look for stolen items if you smell burning toilet paper when you return home. And somewhere in this country, the Charmin Bears are crying.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
That all changed today. "When the doctor at the shelter told me I had cancer, I was floored," Reynolds told us. "I didn't know what to do. I can't afford chemo. I can't even afford a quarter pounder at McDonald's."
For some people, they would just curl into the fetal position and hide near a warm steam vent. Others might hurl themselves off a tall building or bridge. Not Ben Reynolds. He decided that he needed to get healthcare so that he could be there for his children later on in life if they needed him.
Forget Obamacare. Reynolds made a citizen's arrest on himself for robbing himself of a Snicker's bar.
Detective Wilson Pickett said it's the craziest... and smartest thing he's ever seen in his life. "He plead guilty to robbing himself of something that he wanted. He arrested himself for it. Now he's going to get free healthcare in the prison system so that he can get the chemo he needs." Pickett shook his head. "It's too bad I can't figure out a way to do that so I don't have to go home to my wife every night."
Reynolds will get his first chemo treatment on Monday at the expense of the taxpayers. 'They wouldn't let me have Medicaid, so I got what I needed - Prisoncaid," said Reynolds. "They'll treat me good, I'll serve my 6 months until my case gets dropped or I get time served, and hopefully I'll come out of jail a cancer survivor."
"If I don't," said Reynolds, "I can always have myself arrested by myself for prostitution or something."
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