Friday, October 29, 2010
Today's Politics Giving Kids in 1952 a Headache
"It's no wonder why migraines are such a problem these days," Dr. Phil commented on his television program today upon hearing the news. "If headaches have suddenly become chronic because of current politics dating all the way back to '52, it's no wonder why people treat each other like crap these days."
The NSA confirms that the only treatments to satisfy this issue are drugs, alcohol, or voting the incompetent idiots who don't talk about the issues but accuse each other of witchcraft, embezzlement, and using government property and funds to access porn out of office. "It's only going to get worse from here unless drastic action is taken," said our anonymous source with the NSA. "Now that this negative energy has entered the time stream, it's only a matter of time before it affects people further in the past. Can you imagine what would happen if George Washington gets wind of what's going on now, gets a terrible headache, and his army is unable to cross the Delaware?"
Dr. Phil recommends stress reduction therapy. We believe this is his code language for encouragement of drug and alcohol use, which is in line with NSA recommendations.
Conspiracy theorist Magdalene Nation doesn't buy the announcement. "I believe that Al-Qaeda has figured out a way to travel back in time and cause current distress by changing history. Next thing you know they'll steal one of the nukes from World War II and none of us will exist." She waggled a finger at our reporter. "Don't be surprised if you wake up one day in a blank universe next to Al Gore."
That thought is enough to make anyone shudder.
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