Man Still In Coma From Political Advertisement Overload

Grimes has been like this since Tuesday

PORTLAND, OR - Bill Grimes has never done a bad thing in his life. He married his high school sweetheart. He raised three great kids, each of which is a fully productive member of society. He volunteers 20 hours per week helping to take care of sick kids. Before that he spent 30 years scraping out a living as a welder and mechanic, taking jobs as he could find them. Grimes is your penultimate good guy.

Grimes did his civic duty this last Tuesday as millions of other Americans. He then came home, sat down outside with a beer to relax a little bit before the election results started coming in, and then... this.

His wife Mable blames the politicians. "One moment Bill was fine - the next, he's in a coma. Another one of those terrible political ads came on the radio, he heard it, and now he's been like this for 3 days. If any of those crooks truly had any money I'd sue them. As it is, I might sue them anyway just to steal their pants so I can string them up on my flagpole."

Doctors really are not very surprised by what has happened to Grimes. "Even though it is a rare condition, I have seen it happen a couple times in the past," Dr. Roger Fielding, assistant medical director at the Mayo Clinic, told The Pummelo. "The first [time] was in the 2000 election between Bush and Gore. The second was during the Obama/Clinton primaries." Fielding shakes his head sadly. "People can only take so much and it is getting worse. I'm pretty sure we're going to start seeing repeats of what has happened to Grimes in every election cycle if things stay on course."

Lame Duck Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi blames the Republicans. "It has been this way with that group of yahoos since they called themselves the Whigs," she told us in response to a written request from us in regards to this story. "They're always trying to hurt somebody and it usually is a Joe the Plumber type of guy. Give tax breaks to the rich, leave the poor to rot in their filth, and then go get kids killed in some stupid war."


John Boehner, Pelosi's likely replacement as Speaker, blames the Democrats. "Some people try to build a country up and some people try to build up the government," he said in response to the same request The Pummelo gave Pelosi. "When something serious happens like this, it's not because this poor man feels like he has extra money in his pocket. That's what the Republicans do. The Democrats just try to take your money and then go buy $15,000 toilet seats with it."

We also requested a response from Ralph Nader. He blames everyone since 1776. "When a country treats someone unfairly, it is an injustice. People are treated unfairly every day in this great nation and it has been this way since George Washington. Karma comes around all the time and now it has come in this form. You should all be ashamed of yourselves."

Dr. Fielding expects Grimes to be up and moving in a couple days. "I've never heard of this happening for more than a week. Soon he will be the same old Bill Grimes. Until then, I hope Mrs. Grimes has a good stock of Depends on hand."

Indeed. Here's a box of Depends on us, Mrs. Grimes. Good luck and God bless.