Fox Invokes "Greater Interest Clause" Overturns Ranger's and Giant's Wins

NEW YORK, NY - Using a clause in their Major League Baseball broadcasting contract, the Fox Corporation has demanded that MLB overturn the league championship wins of both the American League's Texas Rangers and the National League's San Francisco Giants and continue both league championships series until at least one of the bigger market East Coast teams, either the New York Yankees or Philadelphia Phillies, has won their series.

“Look - we’re in this for money,” said David Bobkowski, head of network marketing. “Really we had no choice but to invoke the greater interest clause, no one, well no one who counts, has any desire to see a Texas Rangers/San Fran series.”

While fans of the two current league championship teams might disagree, sports psychologist Ephraim Barnes cannot. “There is no evidence that there is a groundswell of support for this Rangers team in particular,” said Barnes. “I read this morning a post on 'Sports By Brooks' that attempted to compare this surge season by the Rangers to last year's Superbowl win by the New Orleans Saints, well... that is ridiculous.”

Barnes went on to explain. “First everyone loves New Orleans for the food, the music, the attitude and then there was the Katrina factor, now compare that to the Rangers who are based in the Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington area, an area isn’t even a place never mind having a culture, it is nonsense.”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig seemed to know that the Fox Corporation was going to invoke the clause just moments after the end of the Giants/Phillies series. Video capture of Selig showed him not in a celebratory mood but rather looking melancholy and despondent. So far all calls from The Pummelo to the Commissioner’s office have gone to voice mail.

Frustrated Phillies fan Cecil Rhodes was endeavoring to turn over a car on Packer Avenue in Philadelphia when he heard the news that Fox was calling for continued play on ESPN Radio and began celebrating.
“Damn right I think it’s the right thing,” said Rhodes. “Those pansies know they got lucky, we can’t let them think they have a chance to finish this off.”

Sources within the MLB offices are uncertain what will come next. They admit the “Greater Interest” clause is legal and binding, however there is over 130 years of baseball history to consider and contracts with the MLB Players Union, and the individual clubs. Selig himself has reportedly locked himself in his office and is working the phones with all owners and MLB representatives to negotiate a solution.

Bobkowski says there is no need for meetings, a solution is in the binding contract. “I know that when they signed our current contract they never imagined that it would be possible for there to be a World Series without either the Yankees or the Red Sox, that’s their problem, I won’t let ratings slide as they did with The Tampa Rays appearance for damn sure!”

Judges Ruling Leaves Children Annoyed, Threatening To Hold Breath

BRUNEAU, ID - An Idaho judge allowed a single 37-year-old mother to get married without her children’s consent after the bride-to-be said she could be forced to endure a continued lonely and sexless life if she stayed at home.

The couple got married Friday after a hearing. 

37 year-old bride Cathy Collier



Idaho law requires children to sign off on the marriage of single parents older than 25, but judges can waive the requirement. The bride's daughter says she's outraged the judge did so without hearing from her or her siblings. She also denies pushing her mother toward lonely nights with Netflix and Cherry Garcia.

The groom's son tells The Pommelo that his new mother-in-law felt that she was in an sequestered and boring environment. The Owyhee County judge involved, Anita Eveston, didn't immediately respond to an e-mail sent Saturday.

Fuck My Life Winner Receives Nothing; Should Give Up Hope

MUNCIE, IN - Life has not been kind to Silas Lambsnose. The 23-year-old with that terrible name was abandoned at twelve and was frequently beaten up by his two best friends. He has recently been fired from Muncies Car Wash, Taco Bell, McDonalds, and as sweeper at the Big Cuts, all in the last month. His unfortunate tally of romantic experiences is zero. He is going bald at an early age.


Oh, why go on; suffice to say he is rather unlucky.

He has the face of a man whose career hasn’t exactly gone according to plan. The sadness and horror in his eyes is just heartbreaking.

Still he has not given up hope, although he should.

While looking for his mother, he was charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing after fighting with a 88-year-old Yorktown man on Kilgore Avenue. The fight began after the Yorktown man suggested to Lambsnose that his mother was performing “sexual favors” behind a garage in the neighborhood, according to reports.

The older man declined to press assault charges following the fight. “I couldn’t, it wasn’t his fault his mother is a working girl,” said the sensibly named Don Goode. “I had him on the ground and he just looked pitiful.” The mother was also charged with soliciting and indecent exposure.

However odd it seems, acquaintances explain that at the end of the day, he hasn’t considered eating the business end of a shotgun.

Armed Squirrels Change Balance Of Forest Power

Video still shows that members of the
Marmotini Tribe have obtained gernade launchers

CRAIG, CO - Hunters in this Northern Colorado hamlet are reporting what appears to be the first action by the recently declared independent nations of game animals. Deer and elk hunters are reporting that their prey have formed an alliance with rodentia. Squirrels are acting as a first line of defense for the large animals in the forest and rangelands



Witnesses say the squirrels are well armed and trained and seem to have no concern in engaging even armed humans.

“Oh man, Oh man, this bad man, real bad,” said Missouri hunter John Renfield, 40. “I’ve been coming here to hunt for 25 years and have always gotten my tag, but that was then, now, oh damn we’re lambs to slaughter this year.”

Renfield’s companion Jake Wolfe agreed, “They been planning this for years,” he said. “That Declaration of Independence wasn’t some fermented berry driven decision, they are ready to take back the tree line.”

The first reports of armed engagement came into the Moffat County Sheriff’s Office at 11:30 a.m. on Thursday, the last day of the human hunter’s first rifle season in Colorado.


<><><><>

<>

<><><><>

More that side arms are used in engaments



“We had two groups of hunters call 911 at approximately the same time,” said Sheriff’s spokesman Ginny Geraldo. “They were pinned down on Foster’s Ridge about three miles east of town. Both calls said they were under massive fire from an Aspen grove. When our deputies arrived they requested air support since conditions were so severe. We couldn’t supply that, but support from the fire department and their hoses allowed us to get the hunters out.”

The forensic investigation found 50,000 bullet holes in all vehicles that had been fired upon. Video stills from the sheriff vehicle’s cameras showed the squirrels to have advanced arms, including grenade launchers and squad automatic weapons (SAW).

“I think we underestimated what that declaration meant,” said Division of Wildlife Officer Dan Ramilotti. “This showed a level of preparation none of were prepared for, we’ve known the squirrels could organize but not to this degree, and we should have expected an alliance between the game animals and rodents, after all they face the enemies. This is going to be a bloody season.”

Wolfe doesn’t care. “I’ll be back,” he said. “I may need to get body armor and my own heavier weapons but they can’t keep me down, I’ll get my venison and take some of them furry f---ers with me.”

Local Kid Arrested For Scamming Nigerians



Jeremy had millions of dollars
stashed in his closet at home.

STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, CO - Authorities converged on this small Northwestern Colorado community this morning upon a report that Jeremy Jenkins, 12, had reportedly purchased a car from a local dealership entirely in cash. The fact that it was cash in this economy and the simple fact that he was twelve led the owner of the dealership to contact authorities, who in turn contacted the FBI, who in turn launched an investigation.

Turns out Jenkins was literally bilking millions of dollars out of the Nigerian mob utilizing a variation of their own technique. Police Chief J.D. Hays was the one to discover Jenkin's stash of $2.3 million in his bedroom closet. "It's amazing how this kid managed to pull this kind of money from people who make a living out of doing this," said Hays. "Still... I don't care that he's 12 and I don't care if people think of him as a Robin Hood type of guy - I'm still sticking him in the slammer."

Saturday Edition: NCAA & NFL Form Alliance

Los Angeles, CA - Representatives of the NCAA and the NFL met Friday morning to finalize negotiations for a more intimate relationship. Reports from the meeting indicate that not only will there be profit-sharing that will start in 2011, but there will also be a promotion/relegation system implemented with the NFL and all FBS, FCS, Division II, & Division III teams.

"It only makes sense to include all the college teams in the association that is the National Football League," Goodell commented after the negotiations had been finalized. "After all, agents are already paying the good NCAA players and giving them similar benefits that NFL players receive under the table. This allows us to make the whole process more legitimate."

Under this new structure, the league champion from each division will be promoted to the next division, meaning that the national FBS champion will have the opportunity to compete in the NFL the following season. On the flip side, the last place or worst team in each league will be demoted to the next lower division, meaning that starting in 2011, an NFL team will be competing in the FBS.

Under this structure, it is completely plausible that the St. Louis Rams in 4 years could be competing in the NCAA Division III. "We're excited about this opportunity," commented Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alvarez. "We're already looking forward to the potential of a Packers/Badgers game or two in the near future, one way or another. It will be a huge moneymaker for everyone and will simply further the promotion of gridiron on the world stage."

"It also gives NFL teams the desire to have to be good," said Goodell. "Having these 0-16 or 1-15 teams all the time... hopefully this gives owners, managers, coaches, and players the incentive to play well, because the most money available will be at the top, and the top is the NFL."

Player reactions were mixed up and down the scale. FBS players are looking forward to the possibility of immediately jumping to the NFL before their junior year and NFL players are not happy about the fact that they could be back in the FBS or below after actually making it big. "It just proves we have to put in the work," said Ray Lewis, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. "We don't work, then we gots to play with a bunch of punk [expletive] kids for like half the salary. I gots bills to pay man, so that ain't happenin'."

Looniversity Professor Resigns Amidst Allegations Of 'Sexting' Students

We camped outside of Le Pew's home to no avail.

ACME ACRES - An Acme Looniversity professor will not be in the classroom Monday after being accused of having inappropriate communication with students and even sending sex-related text messages (sexting) to them for years.

Pepé Le Pew resigned from Looniversity in Pismo Beach on Thursday, and he has since been banned from the school’s grounds. 

Le Pew's resignation comes before the school’s board of regents could fire him at its upcoming meeting next Tuesday. The complaints filed show the scandal began in 2007 with questionable messages on the social networking website MySpace. In 2009, the school received another letter referring to similar concerns about messages to students on Facebook.

 

In February, Le Pew was suspended for insubordination over the same problem. Then, in October of 2010, the school received claims that he was sexting with a former student. The Looniversity says Le Pew had a serious issue with sexting. In one message he went as far telling one student, "Come wiz me to ze Casbah - we shall make beautiful musicks togezzer there." 

Students at Acme appeared shocked. "He was a very good professor last year and was good with all the students. He was always very nice to everyone," said Hamton J. Pig. "It's hard to believe a good skunk like this has started to smell bad."

The Pummelo visited Le Pew 's home for his side of the story. He was not at the residence but his landlord angrily defended his tenant and called the allegations bogus. "I am the owner, but I know him very well and I know the case," said Michigan J. Frog. "He is an honest toon who was dedicating his life to teach and was giving a lot more than he was supposed to professionally." 

Even though Le Pew resigned from his teaching position, Henry Hawk, spokesman for the regents, says they will make certain to inform any prospective education employers that it planned on firing him.

Seamus Shamed Shamefully By Shamer

 Belfast - Seamus O'Toole, 28, was just your average Irish guy living your average Irish dream of putting Celtic tattoos all over his body while eating sausage and hash with just a smidge of cheese. Once a week he would go to mass. Sometimes he would miraculously convince a girl to go out on a date or two. That all changed one day while he was walking to work his shift at the potato factory.


That's right. Seamus's life would be changed forever by a cowardly, shameful act. So cowardly and shameful in fact was this act that not even the Irish will ever sing a song about it. Witnesses to this cowardly and shameful act literally had to avert their eyes to avoid blindness so cowardly and shameful was it.



Seamus O'Toole Before He Got Shamed



So what was it that happened to Seamus? Some orange mohawked punk kid ran up behind Seamus and slapped a "God Save the Queen" Post-It note on his back.

Now Seamus spends his days as an outcast, begging for scraps or being one of those guys you hate in a pub because he'd pretend to have money, but then leave when it was time to put his round in. "I envisioned a life filled with happiness, joy, and maybe a wife," Seamus told us when we caught up with him just outside a public toilet. "Now I don't fit in anywhere."

For Seamus to have a successful life once again, he will need to leave his home country. Donations are being accepted at The Pummelo on his behalf so that even if we are unable to get him out, maybe at least we can get him a shower once and awhile so he doesn't have to deal with a herd of mangy mutts trying to roll over him because he smells so bad.

Unless your British. Seamus would rather dig his own grave, get into it, and bury himself alive before he accepted any help from any Brits.

End of an Era Today - Chicken Crosses Road & Beats Up Chuck Norris

Buffy the Rooster before all the trouble began.

MEMPHIS, TN - Some would call it fate. Others would call it destiny. Buffy the Rooster, 8, would call it a combination of being really, really plastered and really, really lucky. Whatever the case, the world will never be able to tell a "Chicken crossed the road..." or "Chuck Norris is so strong that..." joke again.

That's right - witnesses have already begun describing yesterday's event as the end of two eras as Buffy spotted Chuck Norris on the other side of 1st Avenue about 11:40 pm yesterday. "Yeah, this bird was just walking down the street, got a strange look in his eyes, and ran fast across the street," commented onlooker Greg Glover of Nashville. "I've never, ever seen a bird move that fast."

Naomi Lincoln stated that Norris never had a chance. "That rooster got him from behind and just tore him a new one before he ever knew what was going on," she said sadly.

Norris is reportedly resting at Methodist University Hospital and is in stable condition physically. Emotionally may be a different story, however. A close friend of Norris' told us that Chuck never thought he would lose a fight, much less to a scrawny drunk chicken. The friend, who wished to remain anonymous, also told The Pummelo that he had already scheduled a 12 week therapy session with a noted therapist who specializes in recovering from sudden chicken attacks.

Norris had no comment at this time.

As for Buffy, he doesn't know whether to be happy or sad. "Man, it's good to know that I'll be forever famous, but I'm already getting death threats. People who don't know me want to roast me, fry me, or turn me into a pot pie," he said, wiping some stray tears away from his facial feathers. "I'm just an average chicken who had one too many. Can't we all just get along?"

The Pummelo thinks you should have thought about that before you beat up Chuck Norris, Buffy. We're eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and thinking of you, buddy.

Toilet Paper Banned in 38 States

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Obama Administration this morning condemned the actions of 38 states in banning the use of toilet paper for all residential and commercial purposes. "We find it completely absurd that grown adults in this country are going to have to wipe themselves with their left hands or batches of straw," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said today from a written statement.

"It is our opinion that this legislation is due to the toilet paper industry looking to raise rates by creating a toilet paper black market."

Mr. Whipple had a different take on the matter. "I understand that some people like to shoot water up their butts to get a clean, refreshing feeling, but if you ask me, the average joe likes a few sheets of Charmin to accomplish this feat." Whipple sighed. "We're just as disappointed by this as anyone."

Jack Markell, Governor of Delaware, was one of the first to begin promoting the anti-toilet paper movement and Delaware was the first state to officially ban its use. "We found that people are wasting up to three trees worth of paper up their buttcracks each year. I don't know about you, but I find that completely unacceptable in an era where we need all the trees we can get."

"I've been awaiting the day when the United States would finally step up to the plate and do something for the environment," said Jarid Manos, noted author and environmentalist. "It's disappointing that only 38 out of the 50 states are taking action, but at least it is a start."

Wayne King, publisher of the Going Green Magazine, also reacted positively when he heard the news. "Baby steps before death therapy I always say. We'll get everyone on board eventually."

Whipple hopes that the opposite occurs. "I just want to see Charmin be in every bathroom in America. Is that really so much to ask."

At the moment, 38 states say that yes, Mr. Whipple, it is too much to ask.

Earth At War With Little Green Aliens

If all aliens are this small, maybe we should consider
spacial domination.

Houston, TX - A report from the Pentagon regarding an alien invasion which has already begun was leaked early this morning on the snitch-site WikiLeaks. According to this report, aliens from the planet Blorb have been at war with the planet Earth since June 10, 1979 due to a lack of plant life on their own planet. Apparently they have been attempting to take over the human race in order to control the planet's photosynthesis rates.

However, the Blorbians may have overestimated the size difference between their race and humans. "It's very difficult to wage a war against a race of people who can kill three or four of you by just putting their foot down," commented 4P3E, a Blorbian who requested and was granted amnesty in 1987. "And some of you are better than others - I mean, have you seen Shaquille O'Neal?"

"We thought this was going to be easy," continued 4P3E. "Come in, swarm the planet, kill the humans, and leave ourselves a nice, lush paradise so that we can spend our days in peace just munching, munching, munching."

A Senior Pentagon official wishing to remain anonymous stated that the Blorbians have been working the guerrilla warfare tactic since 2003. "When the full frontal shock and awe attack did not work, they decided to start a passive aggressive attack and began eating the plant life here on Earth. Don't believe what you hear in the news about global warming being man-made."

"Let me be very clear: global warming is Blorbian made."

4P3E concurred. "Our bodies can withstand temperatures up to 200 degrees Fahrenheit without issue. It makes good, logical sense that my former leaders would attempt such a tactic."

Extermination efforts have begun in earnest as of late. Orkin reports that revenues are up almost 50% thanks to new, unspecified government contracts. Sales of over-the-counter pesticides are up 20% nationwide. "I have no desire to see my people die," said 4P3E, "but this is not our planet and we have no rights to it. I hope my people come to their senses some day like I did."

Current Going Rate For A Hitman: Three Dozen Doughnuts

Portland Police photo of assault suspect
Luc Flaubert during interrogation 

PORTLAND, OR - Luc Flaubert had offered to "take care of" Mike "Big Sausage" Roillie for a two dozen doughnuts, police said. So Flaubert quickly became a suspect when Roillie was found covered with sauce and inverted in his industrial mixer Sept. 23 at his pizzeria on Beal Street.

Police in Sacramento found Flaubert, and he was extradited from California back to Oregon in order to stand trial. Flaubert, 42, whose last known address was in Irvington, was charged with assault; he was arraigned Tuesday and remains in custody on $500,000 bail.

According to his arrest warrant, obtained Wednesday, Flaubert originally planned to kill Roillie, 43, when he attacked him during the early-morning hours at his pizzeria however was not able to because, he says he was distracted but gave no further information. Roillie was taken to Legacy Emanuel Hospital where he remains in guarded, but stable condition Thursday.

A witness told police that a “loud” woman who was with the suspect and another man the morning of the murder had been looking for Roillie. She told the witness that Roillie had under-cooked her pizza the day before, and "she was looking to teach him a lesson," the warrant states.

The woman later told police that "Flaubert… told [her] that he would take care of Roillie for two dozen doughnuts," the warrant states. She bought him the doughnuts, and an extra dozen, but she "needed to teach Roillie a lesson," she told police.

A witness told police he saw the beating. He said he didn't know the killer's name, but he knew the man was from Irvington. The woman, who also saw the beating, told police she was quite pleased when she saw Roillie covered in blood, and was “terribly disappointed when it was sauce and in ‘doughnut boy’ for not completing the lesson.”

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt To Change Name



JJJ Schmidt posing for The Pummelo in Paris, France on
October 19, 2010



Paris, France - John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, long known for his name in regards to a favorite children's song, has decided that he has simply had enough of his name being overused and filed papers today to legally change his name to Bob Smith.

"I'm just so tired of hearing my name every time I go by an elementary school or something. It makes me wonder how they know me or if they need something from me."

No word yet as to whether there is going to be a Bob Smith song created to further torture this poor man.

Busted Ass Found Not Guilty

Johnny seen awaiting his verdict Thursday morning.

ATLANTA, GA - Johnny the Donkey, who rose to national infamy earlier this year for allegedly robbing a gas station, was found not guilty this morning of all charges.

"We find this to be a victory for all asses falsely accused," his attorney, Lou Wayne Mason commented after hearing the verdict. "We're all very glad justice prevailed in this case and I know Johnny is looking forward to eating some hay and relaxing for a change."

The case against Johnny seemed like a slam dunk. The gas station's security footage clearly showed Johnny distracting the attendant and sticking a hoof inside the cash drawer. Traffic cameras showed Johnny meandering away with the cash in his mouth. Police caught Johnny three blocks away and the amount of cash on hand matched exactly what had been taken from the register.

Apparently the jury bought Mason's doppelganger defense. "I found it very plausible that there was another donkey in the same area of town at the same time carrying the same amount of cash," said Harold Dean, juror #5. "After all, once you've seen one ass, you've pretty much seen every ass."

Assistant District Attorney Jane Whitmore stated that she would appeal the "unbelieveable verdict" immediately. "I expect the Court of Appeals will call for a new trial on this travesty of justice," said Whitmore. "If not, then I quit."

Johnny was asked for comment and only brayed twice.

Metro Denver Residents Celebrate Traveler's Milestone

Drivers finally moving after milestone celebration ends

DENVER, CO - An impromptu celebration snarled metro traffic this evening and delayed hundreds of drivers. However the advent of snack foods, beer and a sudden concert by a Journey tribute band helped make the snarl less tense.

Yet State Trooper Donavon June said that he was relieved that there were no accidents given the location and density of traffic. “Truthfully I don’t know how we avoided a major catastrophe here today,” said June.

The celebration broke out at Mile Marker 211when driver Jason Kruetz suddenly stopped in the far right hand lane in his 2008 Toyota Forerunner and he and his passengers jumped out and ran in circles stalling traffic.

“I realized on the ride home that my car's odometer was at 49,998 miles,” said Kruetz “I was so glad I was on the interstate, other wise I might have run a red light or possibly hit a dog while watching that thing click over to an even 50,000.”

Other drivers stopped and started honking,and threatening. The situation became considerably more  when a Millers Light delivery truck turned hard at a ninety degree angle when sliding to a stop completely blocking the highway. The driver of the truck Parlin Dumfrey said he was at first extremely angry but when told of the momentous event hugged Kruetz and started serving beer to other drivers caught in the celebration.

“I missed my 95’Ranger rolling over at 200,000,“ said Dumfrey. “It really bothered me for several weeks. So this, this is completely understandable. Highlight of my day, really.”

Once the other drivers recieved an explanation, and understood the highlight tempers cooled considerably, this elation spread when the local band “Wheel In the Sky”, also caught in the traffic stoppage, broke out their instruments and began blasting “Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey.

Trooper June affirmed the music helped lift everyone’s spirits as he tried to unlock the traffic jam. “It sure got to me, I shouldn’t say this but I kind of was out of uniform as I threw my hat into the sky and did the splits as I worked my way down the line of cars, but who doesn’t love Journey?”

The celebration is continuing tonight as cars from both the north and south bound lanes have stopped traffic up to 14 miles in both directions as travelers take a break and hold their cell phones up as the band seems to closing with the legendary tune “Faithfully.”

NFL To Require Bubblewrap On All Players Effective This Sunday

Bristol, CT - That fun poppy stuff you liked to get as a kid when you got a package in the mail is going to be making a comeback much sooner than you probably realized. Roger Goodell announced today that the National Football League is going to immediately begin requiring that all players be wrapped up in bubblewrap before entering the field of play. This rule change is immediate and affects play this coming Sunday.

"We've got to do something about these injuries," Goodell commented to a small press gathering this evening, "but we also didn't want to be overly restrictive."

When asked how bubblewrap was not considered to be restrictive, Goodell stated that what he wanted to do was to put all players in fat Sumo suits. "I feel that bubblewrap then has become an effective compromise."

This announcement has caused many NFL players and coaches to ask what game they are truly going to be playing this Sunday. "If we've got to play a game where no one gets hurt, I guess we might as well convert our players to games of Scrabble and put that on the field of play," said Rex Ryan, head coach of the New York Jets. "I guarantee you that won't bring in billions of dollars of revenue though."

Lovie Smith, head coach of the Chicago Bears, echoed the sentiment. "Defense is about putting a good hit on someone and knocking them on their butt and doing your best to get the good players of the opposition off the field quickly. Bubblewrapping everyone is going to limit mobility, ball movement, and pretty much any other aspect of the game you can think of."

Goodell disagrees. "There are still going to be those big hits. There is still going to be the violence that Americans love. We're making the NFL safer while keeping that, however."

The real question is going to be whether the American public accepts the new, safer NFL. We'll all know when we see what happens this Sunday.

Yankees Call "Video Game Rules" For Game 5





Yankee Stadium Is Set To Host Game 5 of the ALCS Today

New York, NY - With the Yankees facing a 3 games to 1 deficit in the American League Championship Series [ALCS] against the Texas Rangers, General Manger Brian Cashman announced this morning that there will be a change in the ground rules at Yankee Stadium for Game 5. "We've decided to institute video game rules into this game," announced Cashman. "This will include random powerups which when activated may add additional base runners, longer fly balls for a greater chance at a home run, and even the ability to restart the ALCS from scratch if activated appropriately."

Rangers pitcher C.J. Wilson, starter for Game 5, smirked defiantly when he heard about the change in the ground rules. "Whatever they think they need to do. We'd be in the Series already if the Angels in the Outfield hadn't intervened and given them a 5 run 8th inning."

Jon Daniels, General Manager of the Rangers, had a similar smirk. "They might think they can get advantages with those powerups, but those advantages go both ways. I mean - have you seen Josh Hamilton hit the ball?" Daniels then chuckled slightly evilly. "Besides, Hamilton has God on his side. We're destined to win."

Derek Jeter thinks the Rangers are overconfident. "They haven't seen the powerups, they don't know when the powerups will come into play - we've definitely got the home field advantage now with this rules change. Our comeback starts tonight."

Whatever team wins, it is widely believed that this game will be the most entertaining and highest-rated baseball game in the history of televised baseball. Experts are predicting a 30 share and this is almost solely do the the video game rules addition. Average fan Joe Bass had this to say: "Man! This is almost going to be better than a soccer game! I can't wait! The final score could be 41-40!"

Game Declare Independence in USA - Hunting of Humans Deemed Legal

Colson Baker [above] was the first
to obtain his Human License after
his nation declared independence
on October 20th.

Bayfield, WI - Many animals are calling it a victory today as word is spreading around the world that all the various game creatures in the United States have come together and voted for their own independence. Though we do not know what their new intended nation will be named, game leaders were quick to announce that several millenia of being the hunted would come to an end as human hunting licenses will be issued to all game creatures wishing to apply and pay a nominal fee that is reportedly in regards to grazing rights in assigned areas. Hunting with a license will reportedly be allowed in game controlled areas from November 1st - 21st.

"It's about time we got our rights!" declared a reindeer who wished to only be called Barney. "No more trampling us down because you're hungry. I'm going to get me one or two as soon as the season opens!"

Most humans are outraged at this turn of events. "Now I'm going to have to go buy my meat for the winter at the grocery store," said Bayfield resident Toby Turner. "There's no way I'm going to be able to provide for my entire family on what I make here after taxes."

Some anger is not about food costs though. Barbara Jackson, 76, said she is going to miss the ability to go into nature's wilderness during the 3 weeks in November that human hunting is allowed. "I love Yellowstone in November. These blasted creatures are taking away our God-given rights at enjoying and exploiting nature. I cannot tell you how upset this makes me feel right now."

Colson Baker, a large stag that normally would be a highly prized kill if obtained, is excited about turning the tables around on the other species - so much so that he waited in line for 16 hours to be the first to obtain his license. "You know what? Eating grass and plants, running, eating, and pooping just gets old and boring. I might not like the taste of human meat, but a collection of heads would look fabulous in my area of the woods."

The Obama Administration released a statement that they are still evaluating the matter to determine a response. Former President George W. Bush had a differnt idea: "I say it's huntin' season all year now. If it's going to be either us or them, I vote for us every single time."

BREAKING NEWS: NFL Clears Brett Favre of Misconduct - Evidence Finds He Is a Malfunctioning Robot

Favre in what we're told is a free stock
photo

Minneapolis, MN - The NFL announced today that Brett Favre has been cleared of the sexting controversy that has been surrounding him. "Our internal investigation proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Favre could not have sent these alleged texts or made these alleged comments," said Commissioner Roger Goodell.

"Apparently Favre is a first-generation type humanoid robot that does not have any of the body parts that are in question."

The announcement left many wondering how Favre could have fooled so many people for so many years. "Well, he did play in Green Bay from 1992-2007," said former journalist Jay Mariotti with a shrug while performing his mandated community service hours. "Can you think of a better place to play to keep a secret from the rest of the nation?"

Despite the announcement of his non-human status, Vikings head coach Brad Childress still named Favre the starter in next week's clash with Green Bay. "He's the best I've got at that position, human or not," said Childress. "We pay his salary, so he plays for us."

Most fans seemed indifferent at the news. "Heck, I've seen robots playing football on Fox during breaks from the game for years," said Marty "Red" McCarthy. "Now I can see one full time. That's pretty freakin' awesome if you ask me."

Green Bay has appealed the ability for Favre to play this week directly to Goodell, who immediately rejected the appeal. "We all know that Favre has a vendetta against Ted Thompson and this is the primary reason for him playing despite his gears beginning to wear out. For ratings purposes, whether Favre is human or non-human is irrelevant. The revenue from this game alone will make our year."

"The game has to go on."

No word yet if Favre prefers Pennzoil or WD40 for emergency lubrication.

As for the comments made while Favre was a New York Jet that were allegedly inappropriate, Goodell waived them off with a flippant wave. "I have word from the leading expert in positronic technology in the United States that when neurons misfire in his brain network, he can receive interference from various sources and our investigation revealed that he received a signal from a guy playing Black Dynamite outside the Meadowlands."

The Pummelo will have more for you as this story continues to break.

Starbucks Sued Over Facial Recognition Software

SEATTLE, WA - A class action lawsuit was filed today in King County Superior Court this afternoon regarding Starbucks Coffee Company's intent to fully digitize service with specificity to Starbucks installing cameras to monitor customers coming in and leaving each location. These cameras, according to filing, are intended to be connected to computers that have facial recognition software installed.

"You try to do something nice for your customers, like have their drink ready the instant they walk in the door, but no..." commented Stan Goldberg, Public Relations Officer for the North America region. "Instead people think we're trying to rob them blind by limiting choices and determining customer patterns."

"I mean come on people, you're paying $4.50 for a coffee that costs us 15 cents. Complain about that if you want something to complain about."

ACLU advocate Jim Jensen is not concerned about using the facial recognition software for drinks, however. "This software could be utilized for a number of things, such as comparing faces to a national criminal database, determining spending patterns that would allow the company to refuse service - it's a huge privacy issue."

Many people on the street agree. "I just don't get it," said Mary Blare, an artist in the Pike's Place Public Market. "I've been getting coffee from them since they were here in 1971 and there is no need to do something like this. People don't always want the same thing."

Some people like the idea as well. Paul Blake is one of those folks. "I want a Java Chip frappuchino every time I step into a Starbucks and I don't like having to wait in line for 5 minutes and then wait another 5 minutes for some stooge to make my drink for me. Give me my drink, let me swipe my card, and I'm out in 2 minutes and can catch the ferry. Perfect."

However you feel about the issue, Starbucks wants you to know that they are not backing down. "This is the next evolution in customer service," Goldberg reiterated. "You are going to find more and more companies using some form of this software to increase customer service. You might hate us now for doing this, but in 5 years you will think of us as trendsetters in this area."

"Trust me, you're going to apologize. And by then, you'll be spending six bucks on your coffee without complaint."

Ask Uncle Mike

Your Wise Uncle Mike

Ask
Uncle Mike

Dear Uncle Make - My girlfriend and I have been fighting for a week, about what I don’t know anymore, I’ve apologized a dozen times, sent her flowers and a radio dedication but she hasn’t responded, how do I turn that frown upside down - Rejected and Shot Down

Dear Rejected - Son this is real simple, you said it yourself, just grab her tonight when she comes home and spin her around and hang her upside down and everything is right again.


Dear Uncle Mike - I haven’t been able to find work in a year, even Taco Bell won’t hire me. I’ve run out of funds, unemployment, my retirement funds. I’m scared and don’t know what to do, HELP! - Keyed a Car In Reno Just To See a Scratch

Dear Keyed - I’ve been there, bad times are just something you have to get through, off the top of my head and after six minutes of research I suggest going to going to www.eastthailandtradingcompany.gov.tl they provide several options for organ bartering kidneys bring in $15,000


Dear Uncle Mike - I am broken, depressed, shattered I feel like I can’t go on. My girlfriend left me four days ago. She said we heading in the wrong direction becoming codependent. What can I what can I say to change her mind? Thrustkiller 347

Dear Thrustkiller - Really Thrustkiller? Kids these days. Well I think your girlfriend is really confused codependency is very healthy, your lungs and oxygen have a codependent relationship. Just explain it to her simply and with a medical text if necessary.


Dear Uncle Mike - I was arrested the other night, I was just making some phone calls to my girlfriend from the bar when the officer approached and told me I had to knock it off. We argued, I guess the fact I wasn’t accepting my girlfriend’s desire to sleep very well and was trying to work it out had raised his curiosity. So any way he decided I was being harassing and one thing lead to another. So on the way to the jail, I called the officer a "fat (expletive)" and tried to slip off my cuffs. At the jail, I told the him to, "Kiss my (expletive) and talk to my (expletive) lawyer," Was I out of line? - Likes Hard Lemonade

Dear Likes - Were you out of line? Hell yes, with me. Try to keep it short, I understand why your girl was upset, you seem to think we all have all kinds of time, personally I have to get down to the shelter or the dumpster at Hong’s Garden before seven, and admitting you like hard lemonade, boy that is just sad.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Mike accepts advice queries on all matters every day, and answers for the Pummelo every other Tuesday. To ensure that your question gets answered Uncle Mike accepts bribes and prefers Old Grampa.

Jive Officially Declared Dead

Photo courtesy of bwagg.blogspot.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The International Language Institute [ILI] in a press conference earlier this morning announced that with the recent passing of Barbara Billingsley, it has been decided that the language Jive will now join the ranks of other once great languages like Wappo, Tasmanian, and Tillamook and be officially declared dead.

"Many languages simply go the way of the dodo bird," said Francisco Todd, Foreign Language Coordinator at ILI. "Unfortunately society continually evolves and at this point we believe that society has evolved past the need to use Jive in an official manner."

Jive talkin' groups were outraged at this declaration. "I's gots'ta be real angry at whut ILI gots declared today. Slap mah fro!" declared Harlem ACLU leader John Clay. "It be shameful dat dey would declare our language wasted even dough dousands uh us still use it daily. Slap mah fro!"

"Dey should declare English wasted if JIBE be wasted."

The Rev. Michael Base of Compton, CA, had an even shorter response: "We gots'ta be suin' ILI fo' reinstatement uh our language sho'tly. Slap mah fro!"

The Pummelo also sought comment from the Bee Gee's without success. We will keep you updated as this story progresses.

HSBC Set to Foreclose on Dog's House Today

San Diego, CA - Since the economic crash happened in his neighborhood in late 2008, Bruno has had it tough. With money tight, demand for his specialized ability to chase down rabbits, possums, and squirrels has been through the toilet for well over a year. Now comes word that his lender, HSBC, is set to foreclose on his property this month.

Bruno's owner, Miguel Aguilera, was very upset upon receiving the foreclosure notice. "Bruno has been working hard at finding work. Every day he is out there, begging on the streets, doing what he can to support himself." Aguilera paused a moment to wipe away a tear. "How is Bruno supposed to be a functioning member of society if he can't even have a home to go to at night?"

The community is rallying behind Bruno. "He's the best rabbit catcher I know," commented Norman Wild, one of Bruno's regular customers before the economic crisis. This sentiment was expressed by several neighbors as well. In order to help Bruno, the community has put together a Save Bruno's Home bake sale and silent auction to be held on October 31st, the day before the foreclosure is set to take place. Donations are welcomed and all parties are invited to attend and purchase something in order to help Bruno. Simply follow the balloons and signs off the interstate.

Mayor Jerry Sanders expressed his support for Bruno in a recent interview as well. "It's a shame that members of society who wish to be productive and simply cannot get penalized because of the mistakes of greedy Wall Street investors. Bruno is a good boy and deserves much better."

HSBC spokesperson Manny Baker took a few moments to respond to our questions regarding this story. "Bruno's story is heartbreaking and unfortunately is one of millions across the United States," he said. "However, we have diligently been working with Bruno on refinancing the mortgage, extended payment options, and even granted a six month deferment on paying any interest. At some point we just have to come together and say that in this current economic climate, Bruno probably has too much house for himself."

We asked if another extension could be placed on Bruno's account on his behalf and were told that it was no longer a possibility. We also asked how much Bruno owed in order to clear the foreclosure and were told that this was private information that was non-discloseable.

An account will be set up at all 1st Bank locations in the metro San Diego area under Bruno's name - if you cannot attend the bake sale and silent auction, neighbors request that donations be sent directly to the bank in order to assist Bruno.

Is It TIme To Forgive George Lucas? Four Out Of Five Say No

NEW YORK, NY - Recent news of Star Wars Creator George Lucas’ intent to repackage and re-release the original trilogy of Star Wars films in 3D form and the success of the Clone Wars cartoon has raised the question ‘Is it time for Lucas to be forgiven.’ for the sins of the second prequel trilogy. Based on polls taken at the New York Comic Con apparently it is not.

“Are you serious,” asked fan Peter Fin. “No fracking way!” Fin dressed as the heroic pirate of the films Han Solo seemed more than just incredulous when approached. “I cannot think of a single reason for forgiveness. I mean, that is stupid to the point of senselessness he has allowed the Midichloroians into the EU, I don’t care if he created the mythology, like all Gods he became drunk with power, fuck him.”

Midichloroians are a microorganism in the Star Wars universe that that reside within the cells of all living things and communicate with the Force. Many fans feel that the creation of these microscopic creatures in the film “The Phantom Menace” destroyed the much of the mythology of the universe.

Fin was not the only fan who seemed disgusted with the idea. “To be honest, I just want him to leave our universes alone,” said Katlyn Johnson. “All he is interested in is money, money, money. I guess that is fine but….” Johnson’s voice trailed off as she wiped a tear from her eye. “I don’t care anymore really, I have begun to think that the Na'vi are the true vision I should follow.”

Other fans seemed to be angry over another mythology. “Personally I could care less about the Skywalkers,” said Brian Jewell. “What really chafes my ass is his total disregard of the greatness of Professor Jones.” Jewell explained that his hero since he was seven years old was Indiana Jones and that the stories of Jones and his adventures led him into his own archeology career. “Lucas is a fraud, a complete tool who seems to believe that aliens make everything better, no I won’t forgive him for being an ass.”

A dissenting opinion came from Amber Pola. “What is there to forgive?” Asked the 17 year old dressed as Ahsoka Tano, a Jedi apprentice from the Clone Wars series. “He created the greatest mythology of all, what else is there? Star Trek, Batman, Avatar get serious!”

Most people disagree with Pola. Poll numbers at the comic con showed that Pola was clearly in the minority, an overwhelming 98 percent of those polled said Lucas needed to, in the words of the poll - “Drop Dead!” Pola doesn't care. "Forgiveness makes the world go round. People who disagree with me can go screw themselves."

Man Shot During Beach Robbery, Loses Pants

An artist's rendering of the suspect

YACHATS, OR — A marine mystery unfolded in tiny (population 749) resort village on Sunday, when something leapt from the water, robbed, and shot a man early before sunrise before returning to the ocean.

27-year-old Jason Bowdrey was collecting drift wood along the beach just after 6 a.m. when what Bowdrey described as a four small creatures ran from the surf. One was armed with a 9 mm handgun. 

Without saying anything to Bowdrey, the armed suspect fired two shots, hitting Bowdrey once in the side, according to Oregon State Police detectives. Bowdrey was rushed to Samaritan Pacific Communities Hospital in nearby Newport, where he was listed Monday afternoon in good condition. The suspects ripped a necklace off Bowdrey’s neck and pulled down his pants before apparently fleeing back into the ocean.

It's unclear what attacked him. Several species of fish and sea mammals are capable of leaping from the water, but none have the capability of running or firing a weapon.

Bowdrey described the attackers as standing about 18 inches in height, brightly colored, with what appeared to be a puff of cigar smoke atop their heads.

The state police issued a news release stating that Bowdrey was delirious from blood loss and they were looking for other witnesses. But the Oregon Fish and Wildlife Officer Caroline Danube disagreed, "It was definitely a Cryptid. He was attacked by some species from the water. Nobody saw it. We can only speculate at this time."

A Cryptid is a animal not specified by biologists, an unknown type of creature often considered mythic

Among the possibilities, Danube said, is the Mujina, a forest species that has been known on rare occasion to leap out of the water and injure people. Another possibility is the Menehune, usually only in the Hawaiian Islands but there have been reports in other places on the Northern Pacific Coast.

The most puzzling part of the description according to Danube is the “Italian Snorkel”. “This doesn’t fit into any recorded Cryptid case anywhere,” she said.

State Police Investigator Kevin Good said he isn’t interested in Danube’s theories and wants some hard evidence beyond the bullet removed from Bowdrey. “I feel that Mr. Bowdrey was attacked by smugglers or divers and that his statements are result of exhaustion, fear or some other misunderstanding, certainly not a bunch of little creatures from the deep.”

However Bowdrey’s did offer his own drawing of one of the creatures he said attacked him. At this point, though, he just wants to get out of the hospital. “I really think I was victim of opportunity,” he said. “I just will be more careful in the future.”

The Obama's Get Llamas

Washington, D.C. - White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs surprised the press corps in this morning's briefing by announcing that the President and the First Lady are expanding their green initiative at the White House by purchasing a pair of llamas to graze on the front lawn and become new national symbols of freedom.

Rumor has it that their names will be Larry and Barry.

"Llamas have many advantages over other animals," stated Gibbs on behalf of the President. "Not only are they excellent pack animals, but they are also extremely aggressive when provoked and we anticipate that these two animals will allow us to save taxpayer funds on an open Secret Service position on the grounds that we have been struggling to fill." This is because llama's have an incredible ability to be surgically equipped with poisonous spit that will disable most attackers.

Republicans and Democrats pretty much all shrugged their shoulders and made a general comment of "There he goes again."

Llama advocates were ecstatic at the surprise announcement. "I couldn't think of a better animal to continue the promotion of green technologies," declared Micah Colson proudly. Colson is the director of the non-profit Llamas of the Americas. "With President Obama on board, llamas are going to start becoming more and more popular."

Several restaurant owners in the New York City area apparently agree with the sentiment that llama will be becoming more popular as in several restaurants llama dishes have started appearing on menus.

Heaven's New Catchy Promotional Phrase A Good One

Photo By Sportimage @ sxc

HEAVEN, NH - Officials in this small town of 478 on the Canadian border have been building controversy in the last week with the revealing of their Chamber of Commerce's new teaser phrase that has started blanketing the airwaves: Spend $50 in Heaven and we will pray for you.

"We wanted something that would be catchy and memorable," said Mayor Laura Bailey. "You know, something that would bring tourists into our sleepy little town so that we can fight this economic downturn." Apparently their efforts have been immediately successful as in the last week tourist revenues in local businesses topped $30,000.

Local business owner Cynthia Madison came up with the catch phrase. "I really wanted to bring a niche market into our community to bring in new spending dollars. My hope was to bring in the fundamentalist and cult-style crowds because we all know those groups are growing faster than any other niche customer group out there."

Tea Party and Evangelical officials immediately condemned the promotion. "To think that one can get to heaven simply by spending fifty bucks somewhere is preposterous, even if you spend the money in Heaven," remarked John Grainger, head of the New Hampshire Tea Party movement. "I agree that we need to get people into this state, but this is not the way to do it."

This was backed up by national Evangelical leader Billy Brahms. "God is willing to save all who come to Him. You don't have to spend money to get saved or to have people pray for you - all you have to do is ask."

Madison says that people can think what they want of her phrase. "All that matters is that people come into town and spend money in her store and others, and so far, that's what looks like is happening."

Brahms is expected to initiate a counter-promotion that boycotts Heaven. There was no word at press time as to what Grainger and the New Hampshire Tea Party planned in response, if anything.

NEWSFLASH - Giant Pole Dancer Captured, Ft Lauderdale Safe

The bra of the unkown 50 ft. Pole Dancer that caused six deaths

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL - Tragedy struck this resort city today as what appeared to be a giant woman rose from the ocean front and in what Forensic Anthropologists and zoologists are terming a rare mating ritual for the extremely rare and endangered creature began stripping and did a pole dance around a 200 foot flag pole in the business district.

Police and Florida National Guard officials were reticent to discuss what had happened but Ariel photographs of the scene after the devastation and eye-witnesses confirmed that a disaster had hit parts of town. The damage estimates are now running into the millions of dollars with six dead and 13 missing.

The worst of the damage apparently wasn’t caused by the woman’s movements on the flag pole or in her advance and retreat from the pole. The greatest damage occurred in an area where the giant tossed her unbelievably large bra into the air and it crash landed on an area shopping mall.

Using 237 wildlife tranquilizers from Florida Fish and Game the Air National Guard was able to subdue the giantess. She is now being held at the Naval Air Station Fort Lauderdale awaiting transport to the Smithsonian for study.

Triangular Shower Causes Death

Photo by Tim Marman

KEARNEY, NE - Jack Johns, a travelling salesman from Bangor, ME, was found dead this morning in his motel room after several attempts by room service personnel were unsuccessful in delivering him his breakfast. Sources close to the case confirm that the man died of severe head trauma while in the shower.

"Though we are still awaiting an official report from the coroner's office, we believe that Mr. Johns was taking a shower and forgot that he was in a triangular shower instead of a rectangular shower," said Kearney Police Chief Tim Robbins. "This caused him to hit his head rather severely and caused immediate unconsciousness. It appears that he then hit his head again rather severely on the way down as well."

The Motel 6 in which Johns was staying simply stated through an attorney that they are not responsible for customer conduct that occurs while in their rooms and that only someone extremely uncoordinated and undereducated could accidentally kill themselves in such a manner.

Tri-Shower Inc., makers of the triangular shower basin, immediately discredited the report. "Our triangular showers have 3 surfaces instead of 4 surfaces in which a person would be injured," they stated in a written statement. "The design of the shower is not the cause of this unfortunate accident."

Johns is not survived by anyone, so authorities have asked that donations be sent to Jimmy Johns in his name in order to feed gourmet sandwiches to starving children all over Nebraska.

Study Finds That Women Rate Men's Verility Based On The Amount Of Bracelets They Wear

LONDON - Government researchers today have discovered a link that they claim distinctly proves men who wear bracelets are perceived to be more verile then me who do not wear bracelets. Researchers also state that the data shows that the more bracelets a man wears, the more verile he is perceived.

This study also notes that looks, money, power were all secondary next to a man with at least 6 bracelets on.

"Yah - I love a man who wears LOTS of jewelry," commented Katy Walsh, a Manchester resident and long-time lover of men in general. "There's just something about a man wearing a bunch of bracelets that just turns me on something fierce."

Researchers did not find a comparable link in reverse - in fact, women who wear lots of jewelry were considered to be high-maintenance and most men stated that the more bracelets worn meant a greater chance of running into a bar, getting sloshed, and ending the night at home alone.

It is expected that sales of men's bracelets will now jump at least 40% at most major retail outlets.

Wild Hare Suspected in Death of Nebraska Farmer



Video still from Dani Andrew's Cell Phone Video

SPALDING, NE - Sheriff’s deputies in Greely County suspect an encounter with a dangerous rabbit killed a 63-year-old farmer at his home two miles west of this central Nebraska town.

Sheriff’s spokesman Helen Dubois stated that Thomas Andrew, was found Saturday by his granddaughter along the fence line near the county road where he had been creating a Halloween display.


Andrew was found unconscious and appeared to have suffocated from a throat blockage consisting of a large mass of dried corn silk and husks, he also showed signs of extreme physical trauma as if beaten and several dozen lacerations.

Andrew died hours later at a Immanuel Medical Center in Omaha, 129 miles east of Spalding.
Officials did not provide any other specifics on his injuries but said an early investigation indicates it appeared the injuries were due to an assault by a wild hare. “We admit this sounds implausible,” said Dubois. “However as Mr. Holmes would say, when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Dubois then produced a video taken by Andrew’s granddaughter on her cell phone of a large hare crossing the county road as she approached. After verifying that the video was indeed real, deputies tracked down and killed the animal, according to Dubois. Authorities plan to have the creature analyzed by a veterinary pathologist at the University of Nebraska this week.

Fight at Towel Sacrifice Sparks Fatal Stampede in Ohio

Fundamentalist Orthodox Cleveland Brown adherents in full clerical vestments

PARMA, Ohio - An argument over sacrificing a “Terrible Towel” representing rival religion “Steelerism” during a pre-game Cleveland Browns festival triggered a stampede that killed 10 people Sunday morning in a packed tavern in northern Ohio, officials said.

More than 1,000 people, many inebriated, had taken their towels to the NFL village temple, Dog’s Sports Hub, in this Cleveland suburb to offer sacrifice and prayers to the football god Otto Graham on the first day of the Division Rival Festival.

As the worshipers lined up before the alter of 14 a scuffle broke out and some people were trampled. "People were vying with each other to get their towels sacrificed first, and they had a verbal duel with the high priest," Parma police spokesman Elaine Carey said. "There has been such a long famine of winning that the sacrifice has become increasingly stressful. With a valued rookie appearing as quarterback, this game took on special meaning.”

Four women and six men died in the stampede, and 11 were injured, three of them critically, Parma safety director Paul Brown said. The injured were being treated in local hospitals. Browns devotee Carl Loudy, 35, said the temple was so full, "people didn't have any place to walk around ... and there was a commotion when people tried to have their towels sacrificed."

Carey said some 100 towels had been burned in sacrifice at the Sports Hub Sunday.