Former Pumpkin Apostle Endorses Gourd Genocide

KEENE, NH - Even in an election year State Senator Forest Rose has a serious concern. “I’ve tried and tried for years to make the local genocide a real issue but I just hear ridicule.” he says. 


The long time senator, who is a also a renowned meativian, one who only eats meat, has long advocated for the rights of the vegetable kingdom. However his primary concern this time of year is what he describes as the horrific and startling cruel fury communities in America and Europe unleash on the pumpkin.

“They are disemboweled, carved up, pureed, smashed, tossed, stomped on, tasered, riddled with bullets, made roadkill, tortured, maimed, squashed, violated, raped, shit upon, pummeled, decapitated, buggered, imprisoned, murdered, assassinated, poisoned, asphyxiated, lynched, pulverized, flayed, cremated, renditioned, thrashed, throttled, torn apart, bombed and baked,” he said in a recent statement. “This is wrong, this is an agonizing evil that we justify for no reason other than misguided belief in seasonal celebrations and nutrition.”

Rose has data from the United States Department of Agriculture that estimates 1.5 billion pounds of pumpkins are harvested annually in America alone.

Sixth Grader Certain Church Festival Will Be Lame

Memebrs of Trinity Holy Vision Baptist Church celebrating
Reformation Day with a Trunk N' Treat

MURPHYSBORO, TN - Sixth grader Tyler Albright is absolutely furious. That is because he found out in September that he would not be allowed to go trick or treating this year, nor would his two younger brothers Travis and Trenton.

“This sucks,” he was heard yelling at school Friday. Tyler was hearing about how his best friend Tom Glossner would be getting to go out after dark with a group of friends, without parents. After his outburst Tyler admitted to feeling some envy.
“I shouldn’t of yelled I guess,” he said. “But Tommy is getting to go out and, maybe even TP a house or something, and last year I would have gone with him, but now, no way.”

Tyler explained that his recently reunited parents had been “Born Again” and the whole family now attended the Trinity Holy Vision Baptist Church, where they had found out that Halloween was a Satanic Holiday, that it was a sin to practice trick or treating, and if anyone dressed up in a costume to go out on the street that God would strike them dead right at someone's front door stoop and they would burn in hell for eternity.

“Came as a complete shock to me,” said Tyler. “Every year since I can remember I was able to dress up something cool or scary and go bug the neighbors, but now that’s suddenly this big NO-NO.”

Tyler says one thing that makes it hard is seeing the costume Tom will be wearing. “He gets to go out in this awesome zombie outfit with a missing arm and everything, I really hate him for it.”

Instead of the Halloween rituals he had gotten so used to Tyler and his brothers will now participate in a Reformation Day celebration at his church, while he can still dress up there are some restrictions. “My Dad is going as some guy named John Calvin,” he said. “Really how lame is that, John Calvin? I was going to be a zombie too had it planned for the whole year, listen ‘brains, braaainns, trick or braaains, uhmmm braiiiinnns’ pretty good, right?”

Effort at Painted Man-Bra Falls Short

Paris, France - Jean Pertrand always was a little different growing up. When he was little he liked to play with Barbies. He liked to try on his sister's dresses. His parents took several pictures of him putting sparkly accessories in his hair.

When Pertrand reached high school, these things still fascinated him. He put his hair in Pippi Longstocking pigtails. He snuck into the women's restroom not to spy on the girls, but to actually use the toilet. He trained his rectum to simulate having a monthly period so he could utilize tampons [even though his doctor will tell you it was like just a bad hemorrhoid].

Present day Jean Pertrand is 22. "It was time to take the next step in my development," he told the Pummelo before attempting what he had never attempted before: painting on a man-bra to simulate a bikini top.

It took several weeks for Pertrand to select the perfect color. "I felt that a dark teal would best suit my eyes," Pertrand said upon finally deciding. It took several more weeks to decide on application. "I went with a house-size paintbrush. It gave the most even, consistent coating of color."

When it came to actual application, however, it was very apparent that Pertrand lacked practice. It started smoothly and we all that things would go well as Pertrand was able to effective cover his right nipple, but it all went downhill from there. We will spare you the terrible details of the torturous application process that happened after the good start and just let the picture above do the talking for you.

Pertrand says he will not be giving up. "Now that I have a better idea of how to paint the bra on my chest, I will be attempting this again in the near future."

We applaud you, Pertrand. Stay true to yourself.

17 Dead As Blind Hikers Traverse Grand Canyon

The south rim of the Grand Canyon will be closed today
in memory of those lost.

Price, AZ - The Institute Center for the Blind [ICB] is in mourning today as their famed hiking group was found at the bottom of the south rim of the Grand Canyon early this morning. Apparently 17 people went out and there were no survivors of the fall.

Jenny Witley,22, of Flagstaff, witnessed the event. "It was so sad... it was like watching a bunch of lemmings just follow after each other and plunge to their deaths. "

Officials at ICB are unsure of what exactly went wrong with today's hike. Sam Jones is the Executive Director. "We've gone on hikes many times and never had this many people die. Certainly we've had incidents in the past with our hiking group, like when three people died crossing the street outside the crosswalk, or the time one guy fell into a superheated tar pit, or that time when a couple of folks tried to shake hands with a combine, or the time that due got chopped up in the rotating door at the bank, or that time we had a guy slip on a banana peel and hit his head on the concrete curb."

"I just don't understand what was different this time that caused everybody to die."

Local hospital administrators were ecstatic at the news however. "They found 17 people in time so that we can harvest their organs, save a bunch of lives, and be able to finally retire in Tahiti," Nathan Emanual, CEO of Health Measures Inc., which runs several hospitals in the Northern Arizona greater area. "I thought for sure I was going to be stuck in an area with a bunch of natives, but not any more. Thank God for tragedies like this!"

Park officials stated that it was probably a bad idea to take down the rail in order to fix it and not replace it with anything else. Randy Owen is one of them. "We just assumed that since this was the Grand Canyon, people would want to stop and see it. Apparently we were wrong."

Wrong indeed.

Exotica Makes Man "Just A Tad Nervous"

She makes Bob sweaty.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM - Bob Burns admits that he is a little bland. “Anything outside the mainstream generally makes my palms sweat,” he recently explained. Burns made the revelation while walking, with his friend Dave Simmons, past the Victoria’s Secret in the Coronado Mall, the store is located right next to Hot Topic.

“I made a comment about a leopard print teddie,” said Simmons. “I saw Bob blush and I asked him why, its not like we’re old men.” In fact both Burns and Simmons are in their early thirties.

“Well I know there is a lot of different views of the world,” said Burns. “I’m just a vanilla sorta guy and exotica makes me a tad nervous.”

Burns’ wife of 11 years Margo agreed. “Bob’s been a great provider. I get to work part-time and he never denies me anything based on money. He loves to cook and talk long walks, but in the bedroom he is still kind of reserved.”


Margo says she has tried often to get her husband to relax, but he is really more of a cuddler than a manly man. “I remember I wore a sexy bra and thong under my wedding dress and he was both really, really excited and really, really embarrassed even when we were in our hotel room.”

“I know there is a lot of ribald material on the internet,” said Burns. “But it really isn’t my sort of thing. I remember Dave asking me once if I had been molested or something as kid, which was odd and a little off topic because I had asked why Playboy or Maxim were on display at the Borders.” 


Burns went on to explain that he hadn’t been molested - in fact he was raised in loving, if lenient home. “My folks are wonderful people,” he explained. “But they did embarrass me quite a bit when I was a kid. They are real affectionate, flirtatious even, I had a third grade teacher comment on how they were cute acting like lovebirds, always made me queasy thinking of my parents as birds.”


Margo says she has learned to work around her husband’s condition. “Sometimes a woman needs some intense physical affection,” she says. “So I’ve developed an active imagination, and cold showers do help, other times, well once Bob is blindfolded with a Xanax chaser he loosens up a little.”

“I know Margo thinks I’m a little bit on the boring side,” Burns said when asked about his wife. “There are moments when I just try and let go, when she really wants to spend time together and is getting warmed up I just reframe it and think about how nice she feels when we are doing some sweaty snuggling, I just believe a gentleman doesn’t share those times.”

Ear Sex Now a Viable Alternative

Williams is a big advocate for ear sex.

LITTLE ROCK, AR - Professor Joycelyn Elders, former Surgeon General of the United States turned professor of pediatrics, announced today that she and her team have come up with an exciting alternative to traditional sex. "We have discovered that the pleasure centers of the brain are just as stimulated when there is penetration of the ear canal," said Elders this morning, announcing their findings. "Not only will this prevent unplanned pregnancies, terrible diseases, and an urge to smoke afterwards - it will also assist in those nights when you're so trashed you can't remember what you're doing and don't have protection."

"Ear sex is 100% safe all the time."

Leading Otolaryngolosit Dr. Raymond Mitchell is horrified. "I can see ear wax disease, infections, ruptured ear drums, and hearing reduction as the primary side-effects. Can you imagine what will happen if someone sticks something in too far and they rupture an ear drum? There will be an epidemic of hearing loss across America if this takes root in society."

Elders is not concerned about this. "I'd rather see millions of deaf people running around than millions of people infected with the various sexually transmitted diseases," she retorted. "Only an idiot wouldn't think that was an improvement."

Local Man Not Actually a “Hoarder” Just Fat and Lazy

Louie Drake seen on the phone with yet another item.

ABERDEEN, WI - Louie Drake was stunned by the sudden arrival of a film crew from the A&E  early Friday morning. “I couldn’t understand why someone was ringing the damn bell at nine a.m., “ said Drake. “Who the hell is up that early anyway?”

Drake wasn’t the only one surprised, or disappointed. “We had received a video and nice letter of concern from one of Drake’s friends,” explained producer Sara Geoff. “We try to capture the drama as our experts work to put each hoarder on the road to recovery, but also highlight the individual's inner challenges and triumphs, but this isn’t so dramatic.”

As it turns out ,Drake really isn’t driven by the compulsion to keep things he doesn’t need or an inability to throw things away. No - Drake has another far less remarkable disorder... he just happens to be fat and lazy.
“ I hate being lied to,” said Geoff. “The letter made it sound as if this man was an overwhelmed disposophobic whose duplex apartment overflows with garbage and excrement, it is that way, but not because he has a real disorder.”

Former Vandalay Industries, Inc. President and COO Plead Guilty to Mail and Wire Fraud in Ponzi Scheme

                               Department of Justice Press Release

For Immediate Release                                                                           United States Attorney's Office
October 29, 2010                                                                                  Southern District of New York
                                                                                                              Contact: (212) 637-2600

Earlier today, Cosmo Kramer and George Costanza, the former president and COO of Vandalay Industries, Inc., pleaded guilty to federal mail fraud and wire fraud charges for his role in running a Ponzi scheme that resulted in losses in excess of $195 million dollars. The guilty plea proceeding was held before United States District Judge Arthur Vandelay, no connection to the failed firm, at the U.S. Courthouse in the Borough of Manhattan, New York. When sentenced, the men face a maximum sentence of 40 years’ imprisonment.

The guilty plea was announced by Jackie Chiles, United States Attorney for the Eastern District of New York.

Between October 2003 to January 2009, Kramer and Costanza executed a scheme to defraud investors of Vandalay Industries by representing that their money would be used to fund short-term bridge loans to commercial borrowers and loans to other businesses, specifically, commercial business entities that accepted credit cards. They promised the investors unusually high rates of return. Initially, Kramer and Costanza paid partial returns to early investors, which were falsely represented to be profits generated from loans, and thereafter persuaded those investors and new victims to invest additional funds in the two companies. In fact, Kramer and Costanza lost in excess of $100 million of investor money through unauthorized futures and commodities trading activity and other unauthorized activity. As a result, the government estimates that approximately 3,000 victims suffered losses totaling in excess of $195 million.

“The defendants devised and orchestrated a scheme that highlights the need for vigilance and vigorous enforcement of our laws to prevent this kind criminal activity in the future,” stated United States Attorney Chiles. Mr. Chiles extended his grateful appreciation to an undercover investigator known as “Newman” in the U.S. Postal Inspection Service that led the government’s investigation.

As part of the guilty plea agreement with the government, Kramer and Costanza agreed to forfeit his right in assets seized by the government and to the entry of a restitution order of no less than $195 million to be paid to his victims.

The government’s case is being prosecuted by Assistant United States Attorneys “Crazy“ Joe Davola, Kenneth Bania, and David Puddy.

Everest Yeti Really Just A Fat Guy Named Joe

Mount Everest - It only took 82 minutes for the first clear Yeti photograph to be sent over the new 3G network installed at Mt. Everest today, and many around the world were disappointed to find out that the Yeti is just Joe Morgan wearing a winter coat.

"Yeah, I like the cold," said Morgan. "It doesn't make me feel so hot."

The mystery of the Yeti dates all the way back to the 19th Century, but with today's evidence, many are wondering how many other fat guys named Joe have really been the Everest Yeti. "I got interested in coming here once I heard the name of the mountain range - the Himalayas," Morgan said. "I can't get laid back home, so maybe in the cold there are some hot women who like fat guys like me."

Henrietta Long has climbed Everest three times and has encountered Morgan twice. "I've always kind of wondered what it was I was seeing," she commented. "I could never really imagine the Yeti having a black mustache, but you know what they say about legends - there's some truth in them."

Morgan's neighbor, Lily Meyers, wasn't that surprised when she found out. "Joe is one of those fat, greasy, creepy guys who would be a Peeping Tom if he was skinnier and could fit in the wall. I always slept a little better when he was away doing his thing every winter."

The consequences of Morgan's actions are worldwide. After finding out about this story, Ben & Jerry's states that they are going to recall their new ice cream flavor Yeti Tracks. Pixar has announced that they will remove the Yeti-mobile from Monsters Inc. 2 because the Yeti is no longer "kid friendly." And finally, Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center has stated that they will forget about "Burn a Qu'ran Day" in favor of "Burn a Yeti Day" where all they will make a huge bonfire of all the Hallmark Christmas Ornaments that revolve around Yetis - Jones asks that you RSVP.

Despite all this, Morgan has no regrets. "I like being outside. I like the feeling of the cold wind around me when I have to take a dump. I like communing with nature. They say it's the little things in life that make you happy, and this makes you happy."

Scientists De-Thaw Caveman - Discover That People Have Always Been Stupid.





MC Hammer Gang Frightens Community

Pendleton, OR - Residents of this Eastern Oregon town are now afraid to leave their homes during daylight hours because of a new gang that has infiltrated this already gang-infested town. Sherry Miller, 46, was one of the first victims. "I stepped out my front door to go to work and this half-naked black man in gold bloomers came out from behind my bushes and started Hammer dancing. It was horrible."

That's right - dozens of African-Americans have donned early '90s style Hammer gear and are frightening residents with their dance moves, lyrics, and graffiti, as seen here, and police are being overrun with complaints. "It's something that we as a community have to fix immediately," said Phil Houk in a press conference this morning intended to ease the fears of residents. "We simply can't have our kids exposed to treachery such as this. If that means we have to start a gang war to get rid of it, then so be it. But this MC Hammer stuff just has to go."

Authorities believe that the rank of members can be identified by their clothing - your everyday redshirt wears the standard Hammer pants, midlevel associates wear the gold shouldercoats, and regional leaders wear the Pumps and a Bump Speed-os. "If you see a fella out there wearing something that not even a pro wrestler would wear, then you need to make sure you and your children remove yourselves from the area before things start gyrating that shouldn't be gyrating."

"Just yesterday, I saw a dude doing the Running Man outside a Blockbuster wearing a gold Speed-o with what looked like a cucumber stuck in it," said Roger Johnson, a longtime Pendleton resident. "It was less than impressive, and it only got worse when his associates in Hammer pants came in and started doing the splits in a threatening manner."

"The dance moves are intended to intimidate," said "Bo," a former member of the gang. "We try to scare you away so that we can take your stuff, sell it at a pawn shop, and then file bankruptcy to clog up the courts and make everything less effective."

MC Hammer did not have any comment regarding the new gang.

Today's Politics Giving Kids in 1952 a Headache

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Security Agency [NSA], famous for its many secret black operations from the Men in Black to the Time Enforcement Agency, confirmed today that their research has proven that political airwave feedback has managed to travel back into history and cause headaches to anyone who was alive both in 1952 and 2010.

"It's no wonder why migraines are such a problem these days," Dr. Phil commented on his television program today upon hearing the news. "If headaches have suddenly become chronic because of current politics dating all the way back to '52, it's no wonder why people treat each other like crap these days."

The NSA confirms that the only treatments to satisfy this issue are drugs, alcohol, or voting the incompetent idiots who don't talk about the issues but accuse each other of witchcraft, embezzlement, and using government property and funds to access porn out of office. "It's only going to get worse from here unless drastic action is taken," said our anonymous source with the NSA. "Now that this negative energy has entered the time stream, it's only a matter of time before it affects people further in the past. Can you imagine what would happen if George Washington gets wind of what's going on now, gets a terrible headache, and his army is unable to cross the Delaware?"

Dr. Phil recommends stress reduction therapy. We believe this is his code language for encouragement of drug and alcohol use, which is in line with NSA recommendations.

Conspiracy theorist Magdalene Nation doesn't buy the announcement. "I believe that Al-Qaeda has figured out a way to travel back in time and cause current distress by changing history. Next thing you know they'll steal one of the nukes from World War II and none of us will exist." She waggled a finger at our reporter. "Don't be surprised if you wake up one day in a blank universe next to Al Gore."

That thought is enough to make anyone shudder.

Dead Clown No Laughing Matter

RIP Clampy 1985-2010

SEBRING, FL - The death of a clown shot by a hunter who mistook him for a deer is a freakish event, the Florida Safari Association president announced in a private press conference.

Charles Pietrie said it was "very unusual, and really not funny" for a hunter to mistake a garishly clad circus member for a target. "Circus performers are quite safe out there. This is just a really unusual situation which obviously should never have happened," he said.

The accident rate for circus performers is very low compared to the number of carnival rousters who also inhabit the central Florida glades, he said.
Clampy, a 25-year-old clown from with Riodan‘s Circus, was on a camping holiday near Lake Placid when he was shot dead on Tuesday night. The hunter was illegally "spot lighting" and shooting on public land, Wildlife Officer Gwen Parks said. She said it was likely the man had been shooting from a vehicle, but she couldn't confirm that until she had more details.

Petrie said it was a "terrible accident" which tarnished the reputation of all hunters. "I hate to think people would judge us by this one event," he said. “I admit there are some folks who like to drink their Presidente beer and try to attract their prey with a light, but you know one of the reasons spotlighting is illegal is because it attracts performers.”

This is the first shooting of a clown in Florida since 2007 when two were killed in, also in Okeechobee county. Petrie said it was crucial for hunters to identify their target and that hunter's safety courses would again become mandatory. "If you can't identify it totally, if there is even a hint of outlandish orange, pink or blue then don't shoot, just move on to the next one."

Madame Tussauds Mistakes Taylor Swift for Aretha Franklin



Taylor Swift seen reacting to her wax
"look-a-like" this morning... and yes, we
had to visit the fansite to get a photo.

 New York - Taylor Swift became immediately emotional this morning as Madame Tussauds revealed their version of her in wax: and much to her dismay as well as the horror of all her die-hard fans, an immense error was revealed. Yes, for there is all its wax splendor and glory, was a perfect reproduction of Aretha Franklin, only labeled as Taylor Swift.

"I just don't know what to say," said Swift, wiping a tear from her eye with a small hanky. "I'm a skinny white bitch and Aretha is a fat black bitch. How can you not tell the difference???"

Madame Tussauds was defiant. "We get a picture of a celebrity and so we make a wax figure from it. It's not our fault someone sent us the wrong digital photo."

Max Smart, one of Swift's many managers, was responsible for sending the photo. The Pummelo obtained the e-mail sent from Smart to Madame Tussauds and discovered that the photo of Swift was saved with a dpi resolution of 3. Upon opening the file, Swift does look remarkably similar to Franklin.

Aretha stated only briefly that she hasn't been that skinny since forever and to be compared to Swift was an enormous compliment. Swift was heard to snort "Enormous, yeah," upon hearing the comment.

Kanye West was overheard saying, "See! I was right!" upon hearing the news. We are not sure what that is supposed to mean.

McDonald's Starts Clothing Line

Removal of these jeans may cause objects to appear larger
than they initially seemed.

Oak Brook, IL - The McDonald's Corporation, in an effort to hide the fact that their products are one of the primary causes of expanding waistlines worldwide, announced today that they will begin marketing a line of McDonald's logo slimming jeans just in time for the holidays.

"We think this will do two immediate things," said James Skinner, President and CEO. "First of all, this will only serve to increase our brand recognition worldwide. And secondly, we expect the slimming feature of these jeans to cause people to think that they are skinnier than they are, which in turn will cause them to purchase more product."

Skinner shrugged. "This is a win/win for us."

When asked about how this would affect health worldwide, Skinner shrugged again. "All I care about is our stockholders. If some moron comes in and buys 8 Big Macs a day, gets fat, and dies because his heart explodes, that's not my problem. My problem is getting his money out of his wallet before the health insurance companies do."

Producers Declare "Dance-Off" For Transformers 3 Role

Chicago, IL - Producers for the upcoming movie Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon have announced that due to the fact that all of Megan Fox's movies that have been made to prevent her from being stereotyped have all been major flops, she and currently cast Rosie Huntington-Whiteley will now compete for the leading role in a dance off.

"Since the last two movies were so visually stunning but poor in content, we felt that this would be an excellent way of promoting the movie in the best way we know how," said Steven Spielberg recently. "Going old school rules with no disqualification will be something that goes viral instantly and give us oodles of free promotion for Dark Side."

John Goings, 13, can't wait for the event to occur. "I'm literally drooling over the idea that these two hot chicks are going to get it on," said Goings, wiping away a small trace of spittle from his chin. "I hope they bust out some Zoolander-style moves."

"I'm just excited over the fact that I'm going to be able to mack on yet another beautiful woman," Shia LeBeouf commented. "Not bad for a guy who made a name for himself at a hot dog stand."   

The Pummelo has learned that the event will be a best of seven rounds and that the first four rounds are confirmed to be swimsuit, lingerie, ballroom gown, and freestyle tomboy. Each added round will be randomly drawn from a hat by the producers of Transformers.

"We just knew that we had to do something," reiterated Spielberg. "This franchise is getting slammed at the box office by so many other movies." Spielberg was asked if he had considered broadcasting the dance-off in 3-D and his response was "That would be freaking hot. We'll have to get on that right away."

Whiteley, as one can imagine, is not overly excited about this prospect. "She [Fox] steps down, says she's tired of robots and carnies, and now that she's figured out she's a failure without these things wants to take back the role I rightfully won even with my ugly nose? P-L-E-A-S-E."

Fox released a statement saying that this event would simply be similar to actions portrayed in Jennifer's Body and that she has no problem bringing the smackdown to some skinny Brit who has zero acting ability and is only famous thanks to plastic surgery and creative lighting.

With comments already going back and forth, we are certain it will be a good show. The only thing that would make it better would be dressing them up as Megatron and Optimus Prime and letting them have a fully televised battle. If you decide to go that route, Spielberg, we want the credit.

BOOK REVIEW: "You Should Kill Yourself" Doesn't Lift You Up

Random House is set to release what they hope is the next bestselling novel of a generation, called You Should Kill Yourself. With an anonymous author [after all, who really would want to take credit for suicides in this current media era], finances low, unemployment high, and lots of transients around every general metroplex, sales are expected to be low for this novel while thefts are expected to be rather high.

The introduction immediately informs you that you are worthless. It points out the fact that you contribute nothing to society, your family secretly hates you, and that you literally have nothing to live for because organized religion is just a sham for big personalities to get big bucks. "Let's face it, zeroes don't become heroes and we both know since you're reading this book that you're no hero," is one of the more memorable lines.

The next 10 chapters go into effective detail on how you can remove yourself from this Earth with the most popular methods from boring people. Figured you'd like to see the Top 10, so here they are:

• Guns - "There's nothing like blowing your head off with a shotgun and making others clean it up."
• Drugs - "Some people like to feel really good one last time. Are you one of them?"
• Hanging - "I like drapes."
• Poisoning - "I like bleach with my coffee."
• Carbon Monoxide - "Honey, I just have to go work in the garage for awhile."
• Suffocation - "Be sure to ask the Walmart cashier for that extra special bag."
• Jumping - "Planes are good. Space shuttles are better."
• Exsanguination - "Everyone has to go Emo sometime."
• Electric Shock - "Light bulb impersonations are sure to brighten any crowd."
• Drowning - "If you don't mind being fat and bloated with bad skin, this is the way to go."

Then things started to get interesting as specific profiles were brought up. How about the guy who killed himself by putting on a diver's mask, affixing a pipe to the breathing apparatus, sealing all the ports with duct tape, and then had someone stick that pipe up his butt? A true classic. Stalking a celebrity for awhile and the killing yourself in their yard has proven itself to give you 15 minutes of infamy if that's up your alley.

Or you could try a Junior Seau. Whatever doesn't float your boat, or in this case, car.

The Pummelo thinks this novel is an entertaining read, but only gives it 2 stars out of 5. Anonymous author - come on. We all know it's Bill Clinton trying to increase the Democratic chances in this upcoming election. We're not fools. Admit to it and we'll give you another star.

Disheartened Hero Continues To Fight

PERRYWILL, IN - Local superhero Pseudonym Man appeared to be depressed today after stopping a purse snatcher on Remington Street. “I try and I try, but no one seems to notice,” said the masked man as he took the young thief to jail. “Bluejay, Bloodwynn, Booster Gold all get membership in the JLA but I don’t even get an open house invite.”

The Perrywill Powerhouse sighed heavily as he spoke to anyone who might listen. “I realize that I don’t really have a rouges gallery the way Batman and Spiderman do, but neither does Wolverine, that damn midget gets too much glory.”

Police Chief Don Hauser shook his head as he watched Pseudonym Man jump into his 1978 Chrysler Cordoba with it’s rich Corinthian leather and drive away. “I really wish I could get the guy help,” said Hauser. “I think he needs a long rest, maybe some place that is real quiet with a garden.” The chief went back into his office to file a report on the latest case of the costumed adventurer.

“Dude is cracked,” yelled the accused purse snatcher, who revealed himself as David Gorge. “What kind of nutball wanders the street busting up guys, what if I had a gun?”

When asked the same question Chief Hauser seemed to struggle with an answer. “He is a man who wants to keep the streets clean,” said Hauser. “I don’t know, I believe men like him usually suffer some terrible personal tragedy like having their parents or uncle killed.”

Lieutenant Madeline Devries agreed with her boss’s speculation. “I’m pretty sure that when PM was a kid he experienced some trauma, however I have a feeling it was from falling off the roof and he just never recovered”

Whatever drives the city’s hero be it inner pain or outer shame it appears the never ending battle will continue.

Zombie Spies Eat 40 During College Prank

Cedar Rapids, IA - This mid-sized town of 120,000, still in mourning over devastating floods that wiped out many sections of town in 2008, are now forced to face the impossible as 40 college students were found dead this morning, victims of a terrible tragedy that will soon affect the rest of the world.

Students at Coe College joined the nationwide practical joke of having students pose as zombies on campus while other students shot them with Nerf guns. Apparently not all the fake zombies were fake however, as about 5 minutes into the session blood started spurting everywhere, then entrails began to be flung, and then all sorts of zombie chaos began.

"I figured it was just some douchebag out there with ketchup packets, gummy worms, and leftovers from the lunch in the cafeteria," said freshman Joe Baker, 19, of Swisher. "And then I saw some dude rip this righteous chick's arm right off and I thought - dang, man, that's hot - until he came after me."

"That dude was no poser - he was the real thing."

Junior Julie Freeman got bitten by one of the real zombies and we were able to get this statement from her before she was shot in the head: "Tell my mom that I hated college and I hope they still make her pay for my student loans."

James Phifer, President of Coe College, was visibly broken over the events. "To lose 40 of our not-so-brightest minds is a terrible tragedy. Thank God no one with a GPA over 3.5 was killed."

Ken Graham, police chief of Cedar Rapids, believes that the zombies were local. "There were rumors of farm experiments happening up near Independence - you know, I don't want to spread rumors - but that there was some weird guy from Canada who was trying to create chickens that tasted like beef or some crap like that. Something had to have gotten in the water and some immigrant half-breed drank it and look what happens."

"But that's just rumor."

Officials confirm that at least three real zombies were able to infiltrate the student body in order to facilitate these brutal murders. President Obama issued a statement from the Oval Office blaming Al-Qaeda for this tragedy. The FBI confirms that one suspect is in custody, but the other two confirmed zombies are still loose, running free, and likely sneaking up on you as you read this story.

A memorial for those eaten or dispatched before they could eat someone else is planned for this coming Saturday at New Covenant Bible Church. Organizers ask that if your last name is A-H that you bring a main dish, I-P bring a salad, and Q-Z bring a dessert. As this is a church, organizers also ask that you limit your BYOB to spiritual wine, 7-Up, and Yoo-Hoo.

Iranian Bags of Cash Turn Out to Be Pesos



Karzai on Sunday seen reacting to
 the fact that his bags of cash turned out
 to be valued at less than $1,000.

 Washington, D.C. - The Obama Administration retracted their condemnation of Iran in the recent story that Hamid Karzai received "bags of cash" for his presidential campaign as a source close to Karzai today came forward and announced that the bags of cash were in the currency of pesos. Actual estimates of the dollar amount went from several million dollars to $945.12.

"We were initially concered that Karzai not only used the money to oppress his opposition, but that he would swamp online poker sites, gain millions more, and start his own nuclear program," said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, at the daily press briefing. "Now that we know he got less than a thousand bucks, we don't really care what he does with that money."

"Heck, I can't even pay my own mortgage with a donation like that. Maybe he can make a few McDonald's runs or something."

Karzai was equally unimpressed when he discovered the currency. "My agreement with Iran was that it had to be at least in Australian dollars so I could actually do something with the money. Now I can't even make payroll."

In a sign of bi-partisanship, when Sarah Palin was given the news that Karzai received pesos as currency, she fell on the floor and for several minutes rolled around and laughed hysterically. Similar reactions were obtained from other Republican leaders as well.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad simply shrugged his shoulders when asked why he gave Karzai pesos. "I'm too busy building my own nuclear program. I tried to buy [Karzai] off with what I could. Now it's up to him as to whether he accepts my pesos of friendship."

Elder God Rampage Scares Neighbors

SAN DIEGO, CA - The Hindu Avatar Narasimha appeared suddenly today on the lawn of Nathan Horton’s house on Earnscliff Place. The shocking appearance brought dozens of neighbors into the street when the half man-half lion began demanding to see Horton.

Witnesses say that Horton did not immediately emerge from the house causing Narasimha to become even more enraged, the deity eventually saw Horton cowering below the large bay window and ripped him free of the house.

Bystanders then said that Narasimha began berating Horton in a mixture of ancient Hindi and modern English, he seemed to be demanding the return of a monkey’s paw.He was screaming something about ‘mundane uses and inappropriate wishes’ it really was hard to understand,” said neighbor Jorge Alvarez.
During the short siege police were called and surrounded the home. Narasimha then took Horton inside the house only to reappear moments later and then with a loud clap of thunder disappeared. Horton staggered from the house shortly after and spoke with police and press.

“There isn’t much to tell,” Horton said. “I, well I guess I really screwed the pooch in the god's eyes.” Horton went on to explain that he bought a wrinkled but preserved monkey’s paw at a yard sale earlier this month.

“You know the deal, these paws come with three wishes,” said Horton. “Well I couldn’t pass it up, however I don’t really have a lot of big wishes. I’m a happy guy, got a good life but I really hate doing the lawn, and my wife hates doing laundry, and we both really hate cleaning the cat box so I just wished that we would never have to do it again, and I guess that is not kosher.”

In the released statement Horton provided to the police, he explained that Narasimha was outraged that a human would have so little imagination and took the paw back to the nether world where mundane and stupid people wouldn’t be tempted.

“I really wish I had it back,” Horton said as he ended to press conference. “I mean how am I supposed to fix the house now?”

Think Tank Discovers Workers More Productive Upside Down

Tokyo, Japan - The National Institute for Research Advancement [NIRA] announced today their findings from a 10 year study on improving administrative functions. Most of it was very mundane and boring, but closing out their findings was the fact that they have discovered workers who sit upside down in their office chairs while working are up to 20% more productive and have up to 15% more stamina than those who sit in a more traditional way in an office chair.

"We think it has something to do with the fact that more blood is going to your brain, which means more oxygen is being deposited there as well," said Chuck Yuji, lead researcher for NIRA, following the announcement. "I know it seems implausible, which is why we took 10 years to validate the information."

"It seems so wrong, but it is oh so right," continued Yuji. "In fact, I can't wait to get back to my office so that I can be upside down for the rest of the day."

This information has employers worldwide scrambling to turn their administrators upside down as soon as they possible can. Ben & Jerry's has been doing this for years, however. "We implemented the upside-down administrator very on," said Jerry Greenfield. "How else do you think we were able to come up with the 'What's the Doughboy Afraid Of?' campaign back in the '80's?"

There is some worry amongst employers about the costs involved in turning a right side up office upside down. "I know we're only talking work-related materials, but the man hours and equipment costs of converting just one person's office will take us three years to make up in increased production," said Lisa Williams, who runs the non-profit group Williams or Willnotams in Pensacola, FL. "I know everyone says it make sense to do, but they're not in my shoes."

Some fundamentalist groups are concerned that this new positioning will lead to new temptations in the workplace and an increase in sexual harassment claims. "I don't know about you," said Wendy Mills, a medical records specialist in Seattle, WA, "but all I have to do is put on pants and the problem is solved. Of course, if I'm after a certain guy, I just might have to put on something that will strategically malfunction..."

Diana Ross and Jack Johnson both released statements that they hope this study will renew interest in their music and that they have encouraged upside down behavior for years before the release of this study.

Holy Water Kills Idiot Who Drank It

It was not this holy water that
killed Smithers, but it was a similar
product.

Little Rock, AR - Joe Smithers made history yesterday sometime between 9-11 am as he was discovered dead in his flat by a neighbor who wanted to borrow his telephone for a little while. Investigators found no signs of foul play, no suicide note, and no indication that anything was awry. In fact, the only thing they found were several bottles of holy water from the Jordan River laying about two feet away from his motionless body. Officials are therefore awaiting official confirmation from the coroner, but they anticipate that Smithers will be the first American ever killed by ingesting holy water and that he was killed either by water toxicity or an imported disease.

Father Henry Miller was saddened when he heard the news. "There are so many people out there trying to make a quick buck or two by convincing idiots that their water is truly holy. Some of this water is so disease-infested that it would be like drinking the water down in Mexico."

Neighbors were also in shock. "I knew he was sad and I knew he was looking for something, but I never figured he would kill himself like this," commented Shelly Burger in 4B, two floors up from Smithers flat. "Did you know that stuff sells for like twelve bucks on Amazon? He must have spent a fortune trying to save himself with holy water."

Mark Burley in 1A just shook his head. "Dude, I would have killed myself with something that tasted better, like Johnny Walker Blue Label or something. At least I would have died partying. But that was Smithers - he was always sort of a loser."

Local ministers were also saddened by the news. "He simply had to believe and he would have been saved. Faith is all it takes," commented Bill Brothers, senior pastor of the First Baptist Church in Little Rock. "And now the holy water has taken him straight to hell. It is my prayer that others will learn from this tragedy and not follow in this guy's footsteps."

Jordan Holy Water, LLC is the importer of the product that killed Smithers and they released a statement that wished the best for Smithers family and that any misuse of the product by idiots is not their fault - it even says so on the box. The Pummelo obtained the product and it does indeed state clearly on the bottom those exact words: "Misuse by idiots is not our fault."

"Holy water is not a dangerous product when used properly," Father Miller said in closing, "but when you mess with what the Lord intended, you're asking for trouble if you ask me."