South Dakota Town Stunned By Jackalope Attack

This infant jackalope photograph is the only
known picture to be authenticated of the
elusive animal. 

FAIRFAX, SD - This small town is reeling from the tragic abduction of five year old Harland Johanson Jr. The little boy was carried off by a large jackalope in front of his horrified parents, Beth and Harland Sr.

"He was just playing in the front yard," said his horrified father. “I was watching him through the front window when the jack came running into the yard and scooped Harly up in its rack and took off, by the time I was out the door they had disappeared.”

Harland Sr. then broke down. A visibly shaken Beth Johanson said she called the sheriff immediately as her husband chased after the rouge animal. “I guess in that moment I went on instinct.” She continued, “I just lost it after that though, who sees this happening there are like 14 jackalopes in the world.”

Gregory County Sheriff Geoff Seely said that this is the first wild abduction in over 100 years and it is testing his office. “I’m not sure what, how to go forward on this, we haven’t seen anything like this since the Laura Palmer case in 1907.”

Sheriff Seely quickly attempted to cordon off a four square mile area west of the Johanson home with the help of the Pleasant Valley Fire Protection District and wildlife officers. As darkness began to fall on the prairie two days ago though there had been no sign of either Harland Jr. or the jackalope.

In the two days since the abduction, Sheriff’s deputies and other officials have organized a 50 person search team that has begun sweeping through the area between County Roads 50 and 52 and U.S. Highway 18. South Dakota Fish and Game has joined the search with a helicopter and trained rescuers searching beyond the immediate area.

Fish and Game Area Director Gillian Forest explained that it was necessary to assist other authorities but she was discouraged. “To be frank we know so little about the jackalope, there are very few in the wild to study, and there are none in captivity.” She went on, “We have no idea even if the jackalope is a predator or not, my concern now is that it is one, or perhaps it was rabid, or it was protecting it’s young we have no idea. I hate to say it, but I think it may be to late.”

Spontaneous Combustion Claims Liverpool Player

LIVERPOOL - Players, coaches, and fans are in mourning this evening after Glen Grant, a striker trialing with the Liverpool FC's first division, was apparently sprinting so fast on a diagonal run that he spontaneously combusted. Witnesses state that his shoes went flying at least 30 yards as he combusted.

"It was the darnedest thing ever," said Logan Brenner, 42, and a lifelong LFC fan who was watching the practice. "I saw Grant make a nice run and then I saw a brief fireball, and then the only thing I saw were a set of cleats flying through the air."

Sitting in 13th place, 13 points behind leader Chelsea coming into Week 11, many numerologists predicted that this would be a bad week for Liverpool. "The karma was against them all week," said leading numerologist and Ouija board expert Luna Boil. "One 13 is bad. Two 13's is terrible. But I never figured someone would just blow up."

Head Coach Manuel Pellegrini was distraught. "It's a sad day for all of us on the team. We have petitioned the EPL to wear little fireball patches on the front of our jersey to remember Grant for the remainder of the season - you know, like the lightning bolt on The Natural." When asked why, Pellegrini shrugged. "Why not?" was his response. "We're only 3 points above relegation almost a third of the way in. There's nothing left to lose at this point."

Except maybe another player to spontaneous combustion.

Man Still In Coma From Political Advertisement Overload

Grimes has been like this since Tuesday

PORTLAND, OR - Bill Grimes has never done a bad thing in his life. He married his high school sweetheart. He raised three great kids, each of which is a fully productive member of society. He volunteers 20 hours per week helping to take care of sick kids. Before that he spent 30 years scraping out a living as a welder and mechanic, taking jobs as he could find them. Grimes is your penultimate good guy.

Grimes did his civic duty this last Tuesday as millions of other Americans. He then came home, sat down outside with a beer to relax a little bit before the election results started coming in, and then... this.

His wife Mable blames the politicians. "One moment Bill was fine - the next, he's in a coma. Another one of those terrible political ads came on the radio, he heard it, and now he's been like this for 3 days. If any of those crooks truly had any money I'd sue them. As it is, I might sue them anyway just to steal their pants so I can string them up on my flagpole."

Doctors really are not very surprised by what has happened to Grimes. "Even though it is a rare condition, I have seen it happen a couple times in the past," Dr. Roger Fielding, assistant medical director at the Mayo Clinic, told The Pummelo. "The first [time] was in the 2000 election between Bush and Gore. The second was during the Obama/Clinton primaries." Fielding shakes his head sadly. "People can only take so much and it is getting worse. I'm pretty sure we're going to start seeing repeats of what has happened to Grimes in every election cycle if things stay on course."

Lame Duck Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi blames the Republicans. "It has been this way with that group of yahoos since they called themselves the Whigs," she told us in response to a written request from us in regards to this story. "They're always trying to hurt somebody and it usually is a Joe the Plumber type of guy. Give tax breaks to the rich, leave the poor to rot in their filth, and then go get kids killed in some stupid war."

Officials Raise Terror Alert Due to Cylon Threat

Hollywood, CA - With Syfy's recent cancellation of the series Caprica, Homeland Security officials were forced to raise the terror alert to level Orange as specific evidence pointed toward an immediate Cylon counterattack. "If the show doesn't go on, then we will not be able to eliminate the 12 colonies because the events will not have happened," an official only identified as Number 6 stated. "We don't want to end up as some Star Trek alternate universe idiots who don't have the ability to measure up to the originals. We want events to continue on as planned and we will do whatever it takes to make that happen."

"We will not cave in to the threats of terrorists," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated firmly in today's press conference. "Caprica was a terrible, terrible show that deserved to be cancelled. Crap is crap and we deserve better."

A Cylon identified as #2 took offense to Gibb's final line. "I'm so tired of all the poo-poo jokes that come with my name. You should all be nuked for that by itself, not to mention all the human rights violations that take place on your planet."

Mandatory evacuation orders are in effect beginning at 6:00 pm tonight for all major East Coast city centers. "I do not want a repeat of Hurricane Katrina," President Obama commented from Air Force One. "We need all of our citizens, particularly those who are registered Democrats, to be safe during this current crisis."

Defense Secretary Robert Gates is reportedly planning on sending former Vice President Dick Cheney out on a pheasant hunt in Wyoming. "I don't care who you are or what weapons you have," Gates was reported to have said, "because I have Cheney. When you have Cheney, you can't lose. He'll take out all those toasters."

As a secondary effort, fans are gathering to watch repeats of the even worse series Galatica 1980. "We figure if we show the Cylons our devotion by watching one of the worst television shows in history, then we have a chance," said Battlestar Galactica Fan President Joel Wiley. "It may be 10 episodes of torture, but if it means the human race will get to survive, then it will have been worth it."

BK's Free Coffee Friday Really Just Thursday Leftovers

MIAMI, FL: Serving coffee for each Friday in November was supposed to spice up Burger King's new breakfast menu; however, investigators this morning have discovered that BK is not brewing fresh coffee for their promotion. "We discovered that employees are saving the leftover coffee from throughout the week, sticking it in the fridge, and then microwaving it before opening their doors on Friday," stated Lead Investigator Wilson Moyer of the Miami Police Department. "Even though this isn't an illegal practice, the thought of your coffee being someone else's sloppy seconds isn't very appealing."

Outrage was particularly strong in the seniors demographic upon the announcement. "I'm living on a fixed income," said Fred Martin, 89. "I can't afford those fancy Starbucks places even with their so-called discounts. It's a conspiracy I tell you."

"I'll just get my free coffee at McDonald's," commented Sylvia White, 93. "At least there I can get free coffee."

Burger King officials deny the allegation. "We brew coffee on the spot any time we have a paid order." When reminded that this was about Free Coffee Friday, officials simply stated that they stand by their statement. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and we encourage everyone to exercise their right to eat breakfast and to do it at your local Burger King."

John Lowe, 19, has a different take. "Cold, hot, lukewarm ... dude, as long as it's not decaf, who really cares?"

Exactly.

Local Man Refuses To Take Down Campaign Signs Insists, “It Isn’t Over”

CALIGHCE, NV - Peter Lute is a man of solid convictions, so solid that he still believes Sharron Angle will eventually be declared winner of the Nevada Senate Seat even though she was declared the loser in Tuesday’s general election.


“I will never stop in my support,” said Lute. “This is the most important election in Nevada’s recent history and we can’t waver in our support.”


When told that Angle had conceded in a speech late Tuesday night Lute didn’t flinch. “I heard the speech but I believe that is just a delaying tactic,” he said. “She said ‘We know how to win’ and I know it to be true.”
Lute went on to explain that he won’t remove his 16X20 ft sign of support, or any of the other 25 in his yard 
anytime soon.


He also states that he has been in contact with a handful of other supporters who firmly believe that Angle and her team of lawyers will be announcing a lawsuit to force a recount and if that doesn’t work will try and establish that Harry Reid had a number of ineligible voters who filed ballots.


“I don’t believe Sharron has really bowed out, there is no doubt in anyone's mind who has a mind that there where clearly federal laws broken by the Reid campaign,” said a passionate Lute.


“I know Sharron will give an unconcession speech any moment now and expose the fraud of Reid, ACORN and the DNC. It is a legitimate complaint, dead people aren't supposed to vote, regardless of party affiliation, or the growing zombie threat,” insisted Lute.


Lute isn’t the only passionate individual in his neighborhood. “I used to like living here,” said neighbor Hank Dengu. “But apparently there are a lot of really pathetic, idiotic people living around here now, I guess I may have to fire up the chain saw.”


Lute disagrees, “It doesn't matter the "how pathetic and idiotic" the voter, that he has tried to slander. What does matter is if the votes were not legally tallied.” Lute then fired off a red and blue Roman Candle as he ran a “Do Not Tread On Me” flag up his flagpole.

Ask Uncle Mike: Owing A Favor In Jail Is Great

Your Very Wise Uncle Mike

Dear Uncle Mike: My sister-in-law hates me, I mean we’ve had a bad relationship for awhile but it recently exploded when I didn’t leave her a tip when she served me at the IHop. I was just pancakes and eggs and she wasn’t polite what would you have done? - Cheapskate With Syrup

Dear Cheapskate With Syrup:
Are you the dirty, dirty son of a bitch who also refused to give me a dime at the bus stop by the IHop, Drop Dead in the name of Jesus!

Dear Uncle Mike: My girlfriend insists she can have it all, what say you? - Not Telling The Whole Story

Dear Not Telling: 
I’m currently living behind Dung Schow Restaurant, bring her around she can see what having it all means.

Dear Uncle Mike - I like Jelly spread all over my boyfriends toes and watch him lick them off am I weird? - It’s Not, Not Sad

Dear Not Sad:
I don’t know, or at least I don’t think I know, I think I don’t want to know.

Dear Uncle Mike: I was arrested Saturday night, while in the holding cell I was able to catch up with my old frat buddy Mycroft Maxcentitropes, then he asked me to hide his meth in my body cavity while they searched him, I said no but now I feel bad, should I have met his request? - Cell Mate Second Thoughts

Dear Cell Mate:
Yes, it is always good to have somebody in jail owe you one. Favors in prison are like gold teeth to a rapper. 

Uncle Mike accepts advice queries on all matters every day, and answers for the Pummelo every other Tuesday. To ensure that your question gets answered Uncle Mike accepts bribes and prefers Old Grampa.

Wisconsin Votes Republican - Hell Freezes Over

Madison by Air.

HADES via MADISON, WI - With Republicans taking all but two major races in the state of Wisconsin in the 2010 elections, Lucifer was forced to call a press conference from Hades regarding the results. "It has come close a few times," said Lucifer sadly, "but this time it simply could not be prevented. Ice has covered the fiery lakes of Hell tonight."

Residents are calling it a victory for all mankind. "Not only do we no longer have to deal with the oppression of socialism in our state, we no longer have to worry about what religion we practice," stated longtime Janesville resident Megan Bailey. "The next 4 years are going to be absolutely fabulous!"

Greg Olson of Oconomowoc couldn't agree more. "Peace will finally reign on Earth because we here in Wisconsin have abolished evil in all its forms!"

Religious leaders and State officials are warning residents to use caution with the results and Lucifer's announcement, but for the most part people just don't care. Green Bay resident Jim Schafer stated he is no longer going to hide the fact that he is a Bears fan. Milwaukee resident Jenny Banker states she is proudly going to wear her Cubs shirt without fear of retribution in the morning for the first time since the Brewers switched leagues. Monroe resident Lacey Beale is taking it one step further: "I'm going to go the highest point I can find and declare that I hate cheese!"

Officials think Beale might be taking things a bit far, all things considered.

Lucifer vows vengeance. "Just wait - I'll be back. I always am, and it's when you least expect it. Enjoy your freedom now... because I've got some time to get angry, and you won't like me when I'm angry."

Nostradamus: "You Are All Dumb"

Rome, Italy - Scholars at first were pleasantly surprised to discover a jar holding several documents in the catacombs around Rome earlier this year. Today, however, they are not so happy. "We have found a scroll that appears to match the quatrains of Nostradamus," caused quite the stir among the press, "and in this new quatrain, Nostradamus admits that he was not predicting the future," stated Italian Minister of Archaeology Louis Atoinetto.

And this caused the stir to become an uproar. The Pummelo was fortunate enough to obtain the newly discovered quatrain:

Oops, I did it again
I played with your minds
I made you believe
that I'm more than just a funny man

Easy are you to fool
with gibberish and nonsense
The day of reckoning will come
For Old City, New City, you are all dumb

Shocking it is to see
Fancy dress when you need to pee
Thought future would come today
Yet I did this only to get paid.

Experts are attempting to discredit the document, but the carbon dating is accurate and the fact that Nostradamus signed his name to it with a date suggest the document's accuracy.

We'll keep you updated as this story progresses.

Exit Polls: Guy in ME Wins 5 Seats

Bangor, ME - "Cowboy" Chuck Chisel was surprised to learn that exit polls have him listed as winning 5 races in his area, US Senate, US Representative, State Senate, State Representative, and Mayor. "I didn't like anyone in any of these races, so I've been telling people to vote for me as a joke," said Chisel. "Apparently people took me seriously."

Very seriously, in fact. Chisel is poised for landslide victories in all five races over two or three traditional candidates. "I like Chuck," commented Mary Blossom after she voted. "He's a straightforward, no-nonsense guy and we don't have many of those in Washington these days. Chuck is exactly what our country needs."

Officials are scrambling to figure out what they are going to do next. "One guy can't do all 5 jobs. It's against the law," said local Republican leader Ken Wisen. "It looks like we're going to have another election at taxpayer expense thanks to this little practical joke."

Chisel says that he expects to take the US Senate seat should the results hold up overnight. "The longest job I ever held was at the Piggly Wiggly when I was 13. 6 years with a guaranteed paycheck sounds pretty darn good to me right now."

When asked how he would vote, Chisel stated that his preferred method was to close his eyes and throw a dart at something. Senate officials are looking at installing panelling around his assigned seat in the Senate chambers. "Yeah, I like random change," Chisel commented. "That's why I use this method. If you don't know what you're going to get, people can't hate you until you actually throw a dart and vote." Chisel chuckles. "It worked in getting me married 5 times. Now it will work for me in the Senate too, God willing."

New Medication Promises To Ease Election Cycle Nausea And Disenchantment

12 mg Novberixen... or the "Ballot Pill."

NEW YORK, NY - Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced today that the Federal Food and Drug Administration has approved the drug Novberixen or the "Ballot Pill," a drug that will knock you out for 48 hours allowing one to avoid hearing any pundit’s election or political speech analysis.

The drug works on the amygdala and blocks the creation of memories particularly in regards to sensory stimuli related to the words, budget, Pelosi, Palin, Federal Debt, and several others.

“We’ve worked long and hard on this,” said researcher Chris Diaw. “Generally speaking we found that individuals despise incoherent bias in political analysis. We have also been able to tweak the structure slightly to create Romeofoxin which delays creation of memories connected to particularly bad relationships, with lovers or in-laws let’s say we really believe we have created an extraordinary tool for helping people.”

Free 12 mg doses of Novberixen will be given to voters at every polling place in the United States tomorrow, November 2, if voters take the drug after they vote, or when the polls close in their state they will be placed in a state where memory conditioning associated with campaign language will be blocked. Beyond November 2, the FDA did place very strict limits on Pfizer and physicians to proscribe the medication. “This is a very powerful neuroleptic,” said FDA regional coordinator Jennifer Morse. “We are restricting use to 72mg annually otherwise it will block receptors in the brain."

“We are extremely excited about the potential of this drug and its derivatives,” said Diaw. “We expect that after this election cycle and the obscene amount of money spent on false and misleading ads and the negative feelings these have generated, well the presidential election of 2012 should generate well over one trillion dollars in income, add to that the fact we live in a country with a divorce rate of over 65 percent and the introduction of Romeofoxin, well... the margin on this drug is virtually incalculable.”

Morse agreed, “If there is one area of the economy that will be generating large and obscene profits regardless of regulation, health plans or anything else it is this. People will be fighting to get this drug by the Iowa Caucasus” dopamine pathways potentially causing severe damage to the limbic system and potentially inducing suicidal behaviors, as well as the potential side effects of lowered life expectancy, acathisia, tardive dyskanisa, emesis and cardiovascular problems so it has to be very controlled.”

Convention Ends With Fewer Deaths Than Last Year

Meth Lab Display at AMDC Convention

LAS VEGAS, NV - American Meth Dealers and Cookers Association President Omar Perrish said today that the death count for this year’s annual convention was 24, half of the 2009 total.

“I think this ends this year’s celebration on a good note,” said Perrish. “I’m not sure what accounts for that drop, I’ll be looking at police reports, but I’m very pleased.”

The three day convention brings methamphetamine dealers and cookers from all over the U.S. together to discuss recipes, smuggling and protecting territory. Perrish adds that like most tourists they, “inhaled some substances, almost got married, played penny slots till dawn, try to catch the Blueman Group.”

The AMDC formed in the late 1990’s to support the growing industry. Since those early years Perrish has instituted several workshops at the expo including a new one this year on conflict resolution, he hopes that made a difference.

“We work in a high stress industry, there is an insane amount of regulation, barriers to transporting freight, rising supply costs. This really puts a strain on the small businessman, so this year I instituted a workshop on dealing with anger, another on communication and negotiation, I think it was very effective.”

Las Vegas Police Captain Val Dorsey disagreed. “I don’t mind most conventioneers, hell they are just tourists like any other, but these guys bring a bad element to town, and we had to shut down the Red Rock because it is now a hazardous waste site, just a bunch of criminals if you ask me.”

Perrish admits there exists a very negative image of his industry, and that chemical component can cause issues, however he wants the public to know that most workers are just trying to make a living. “Pimpin ain’t easy, but neither is drug pushing,” he said. “You got to keep moving, keep up with the crowd, avoid DEA and ATF agents. However one of the great things about being at the convention this year was that it was a fish bowl of positivity, the body count was icing on the cake”

Pummelo News Brief: Truck Crash Caused By Coyote

Damaged Semi-Trailer on U.S. - 19

NOGALES, AZ – Arizona State Police are investigating a three-vehicle crash caused by a coyote. The accident happened around 1:30 p.m. on Sunday on north bound U.S. Highway-19 near Via Puebla.


A woman driving in a Ford Focus heading north on
U.S.-19 swerved to avoid hitting a coyote, that she insists was being pulled by a kite while on roller-skates. She went through the median into the westbound lanes of traffic.


Her vehicle struck the rear axle of a tractor-trailer heading south on U.S.- 19.A second tractor-trailer heading south struck debris in the roadway and was damaged. No one was injured and police do not believe alcohol was a factor.


No. This article was not real. I'll pay you a dollar if you can figure out the true joke here. 

Bra Bandit Strikes Again

Prince Edward Island - Authorities are scrambling this morning as the Bra Bandit has managed to strike again, this time displaying his trophies just outside Charlottetown in a brash manner, full of confidence that he will never be caught.

Brenda Watson was one of those affected this time around. "I woke up this morning and found my underwear drawer open and all my pink bras missing. There was a message left on the mirror in the bathroom with my lipstick that said 'Free the Funbags'... not what I want to see before I have my eggs and toast in the morning."

The Bra Bandit has been on the loose since 1967 when his first known crime, taking underwear out of a sorority house at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and hanging them from the top of the capital building, made him infamous. He has strung underwear across canyons, tied vehicles together, and in maybe his most famous stunt to date, tied the south gates to the White House closed. It is estimated that he has stolen almost 1 million underwear items from unsuspecting women.

Those in artistic circles compare him to the great Christo and Jeanne-Claude. "They cover stuff with fabric, the Bra Bandit covers stuff with underwear," said Ian Winter, 59, of nearby Bunbury. "I'd like to see him cover something huge one day, like maybe Bali. I'd go see his underwear collection in Bali for sure."

Authorities are asking women to lock up their underwear drawers at night. "It's only a matter of time before this man progresses toward doing something else," commented Constable Roy McIntyre of the RCMP. "It might be your kid's underwear next. You want that on your conscience?"