US Captures Cylon Spies

Washington, D.C. - In a follow-up to the story regarding the terror threat being raised due to a potential Cylon threat, The Pummelo has obtained exclusive photographs, seen above, of what an anonymous senior White House official is calling two Cylon spies. "We captured these individuals coming into our country on November 7th on a train from Canada holding what we can best describe as a death ray type of weapon," our source informed us. "If he had gotten into a major metropolitan area, the death toll could have been in the millions."

There is no word yet as to if the Cylons are talking, but CIA experts are attempting to glean what they can. "Apparently waterboarding is not effective as an interrogation technique," our source commented. "We also attempted electrocution, but the Cylons just got off on that."

Cylon officials deny sending spies into the United States. "If we were going to do something, we'd just blow up your planet or enslave your population to serve us," said Cylon #5, also known as Aaron Doral. "Something this petty is beyond even us."

US officials are not convinced. "We expect there to be more invaders coming soon," our source told us. "We're definitely a threat to their way of life and they are a threat to ours. It is going to be a long, long war."

Feature Focus: Invisible Man Doing Well in Paradise

The Invisible Man, seen relaxing in his boat, as taken
for The Pummelo in Mauritius on November 1, 2010

Port Louis, Mauritius - For some people, a life of invisibility would be paramount to a death sentence. For others, it would be their ultimate dream as they could go anywhere and do anything without consequence. For Griffin, he simply takes it all in stride. "I learned to live with my condition early on and made the best of things," he told us in a recent exclusive interview.

Griffin will be the first to tell you that things were not so easy. "When I discovered how to make my body stop reflecting light, it wasn't easy. I took it out on all the people around me and for that I am truly regretful."

After getting over his insanity and recovering from his injuries suffered when he attempted to murder his lab assistant, Griffin got back to business. "I knew there was a lot of science left in me. One day I woke up, realized that it was time to get back to work, so that's what I did." He certainly has made an impact. From the basic designs of the Large Hadron Collider to KFC's double-down sandwich, Griffin has left a mark on this world for the better. "I couldn't let my legacy be defined as the guy who made himself invisible and went stark raving mad," he says with what we figure to be a wry smile.

Even though making friends is still tough, the Internet has helped matters some. "I don't go to sites like match.com or anything," Griffin says with humor in his voice. "No woman is going to want me. But on the same token, with Facebook and Twitter out there and the ability to chat with people anonymously, I feel like I'm connected. Plus every once and awhile I get a business offer I can't turn down [like the double-down sandwich] and that lets me keep doing what I love to do the best."

And what Griffin likes doing is fishing in the pristine waters of Mauritius. "This is the most beautiful place on Earth. I'm happy here. And people understand me here."

So what does the future hold for Griffin? "More fishing, more relaxing, and hopefully at least 10 more years of bliss before I die. What else could anyone ask for?"

Regis Philbin Is Not a Terrorist

Photo By: David Shankbone

NEW YORK, NY - Homeland Security officials announced today in New York that they are pleased to confirm that Regis Philbin is indeed not a terrorist. "We are not able to clear many people outright," said Director Janet Napolitano, "but we are pleased as punch to know that Regis is not working with any terrorist cells."

Regis was downright happy to hear he was not an official terrorist. "I'm in front of the camera all the time," he said in a public statement, "so it's not like I'm hiding anything. I'm the same guy on camera as off camera."

Some people are not so sure, however. "A guy doesn't get to be that famous without some sort of help," conspiracy theorist Monk Masters said upon hearing the announcement. "I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't a long-term Al-Qaeda plant or maybe he made a deal with the devil back in the '50s. Either way, this doesn't smell right."

Kathy Lee, Philbin's former co-anchor of the "Live" show, is among those not convinced. "You know he's the one who kicked me off the show," she said. "Sure - they give a lot of excuses about why I wanted to leave, but I didn't want to - I wanted to kick Regis off." Kathy Lee then shared a sly grin. "Looks like I lost, right?"

Philbin dismisses such rumors. "My money has always been my money. I don't need to funnel it to someone else if I want to blow up a building or something. I can just pay directly to have that done - not that I would ever do that."

We asked Michael Gelman for a comment, but all he did was hold up a placard that said "No comment." He then strutted off wearing some nice red 4 inch stilettos and flipped the placard back toward this reporter.

"We hope to be clearing a couple more people in the near future," Napolitano said in closing her announcement. "However, we can promise nothing. Terrorist are everywhere. You're probably being watched by one right now and don't even know it. But we will do everything in our power to make sure you are safe - and clearing Regis brings us one step closer to a return to sanity."

Man Thinks He Wins Spaceship Only To Find Its a Hunk of Tin

PROVO, UT - 19 guys came out to the 1st Annual Win a Spaceship Day on the outskirts of Provo yesterday, all with the intention of winning what appeared to be a single passenger spaceship ready to be launched. The rules were simple - keep a hand on the spaceship and be the last one to keep that hand there. Todd Johnson won in just seven hours and was extremely excited.

"I've never won anything in my life before!" he exclaimed as he thrust his arm skyward in victory. "Now I will be able to take Toddism to other planets and spread the peaceful culture of being bright and shiny!"

Todd's excitement turned to extreme disappointment, however, when he discovered that what he had actually won was a rusted piece of tin that was hammered into the shape of a spaceship. "I don't know why they'd do this to us," Johnson said upon the discovery. "I wouldn't have come out here just to win a hunk of tin from the local scrap shop."

Organizers say that is exactly the point. "No one would have come out to our new event," said Provo Chamber of Commerce President Wilson Meyers. "We wanted to get some buzz going about the event and I think we were successful. I can't wait until we do this again next year!"

Johnson states he will not return if the event is repeated to become a two time champion. "Are you kidding me? The only way I'd come out again is if they have an actual spaceship to win."

Vulcans Land on Earth - Only 3 Inches Tall

Billings, MT - Apparently Gene Roddenberry was correct - there is a planet named Vulcan that contains intelligent life. These beings have been observing Earth for the correct time to make contact. And now that they have made contact, we know they also have pointy ears.

What Roddenberry would never have guess is that the immense gravity on the planet Vulcan has caused all the intelligent beings to be 3 inches tall. Landing last night in Billings, we also discovered that they are big fans of the Czechoslovakian National Soccer Team as evidenced by their rocket's paint scheme. The leader of the Vulcans, named Stork, made a brief announcement upon landing. "This is one small step for a Vulcan," he started, and all the humans witnessing the event couldn't help but chuckle just a little, pun intended.

Stork sat down with The Pummelo for an exclusive interview:

Stork: Thanks for having me. It's been a rough few hours getting used to your planet's light gravity and terrible jokes about things being short.

Pummelo: It's our pleasure. What made you decide to make contact with Earth at this time?

Stork: Normally we wouldn't. Your people are always at war, always in some sort of conflict, and that goes against our principles.

Earth Might Be Saved By American Overindulgence

Adding Inches To The Waist, Patriotic Duty?

CLEVELAND, OH – NASA Scientists at the Glenn Research Center have found that the ever-increasing obesity of the American populace has an unexpected benefit for the Earth and potentially all who live on it.

According to lead researcher David Prine, the increasing mass of the America's fat populace is balancing the surface weight of the Earth’s hemispheres and thus changing the moment of inertia and creating an even planetary rotation.

“It can get to be a little complicated if we delve in to the pure physics,” said Prine. “However to try and say it simply, in the last 50 years, with better health and technological advancement, the Earth’s Eastern Hemisphere has become marginally heavier than the Western and this has effected the rotation of the entire planet, increasing the speed of our rotation by some .32 seconds.”

In the last 25 years, this unbalance has only grown with over 1/3 of the populace being located centrally in China and India a human mass of approximately 10 million tons. Prine also explained that five of the 10 largest man made reservoirs in the world are located in central Asia including the Three Gorges Dam which by itself has sped up the planets rotation by 0.06 microseconds.

The exploding weight in America over the last 15 years has now balanced this and brought the planet back into proper alignment. “While these time measurements might seem miniscule, they affect many things,” said Prine. “Over time this imbalance contributes to aging, health and eventually it could change the tides and the gravitational position of the moon or even bring extinction level asteroids closer.”

Prine suggested that the cost of diabetes and other obesity related health issues are easily offset by this fact. “I feel it will be far better if the average weight of Americans is 325 pounds rather than there being a Tunguska type event in Kansas because we became health nuts and unbalanced the planet again.”

Feature Focus: US Zombies Defeating Japanese Zombies on Iwo Jima

Iwo Jima - Authorities are baffled by a strange series of events currently happening on the island of Iwo Jima. Apparently two weeks ago, an abandoned hulk of a ship from the American fleet washed ashore. "We think it is the Juggernaut, originally lost at sea in 1943," Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced in this morning's press conference. "And honestly, I really don't know why or how this ship has resurfaced. I don't know about you, but I don't think I want to find out either."

We did. Sources on Iwo Jima have managed to get messages out indicating that the Japanese soldiers buried on the island have come back to life almost 70 years later as zombies, able to reenact military procedure. It is about this same time that the Juggernaut reappeared containing American Naval zombies.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said long time resident Serge Bahould. "First some Japanese zombie comes and steals my pigs, and not 10 minutes later a whole troop of American zombies comes marching down the road. The only thing that was missing was Bruce Campbell."

We spoke with Campbell's agent and can confirm that he is on the next available transport to Iwo Jima to film Evil Dead 4 and hopefully revive his career after a series of failed Syfy movies and being a sidekick on the USA network. Apparently Campbell hopes to create zombie repellent with Old Spice.

Campbell will have to hurry, however, as the Americans are close to victory. "They've got the Japanese zombies trapped on the beach at this point," Bahould told us. "I hope they kill every last one of them for making my poor Mable a zombie pig."

Brigadier General Joe Lewis, commander of the zombies, simply told us in a brief interview, "I like brains."

Gates denounces these reports. "There are no such things as zombies. There is likely something in the water down in Iwo Jima causing people to hallucinate. Just so we are clear - there are no zombies... American or otherwise."

We'll keep you updated as this story progresses.

Whiplash Mars Shampoo Commercial Finals

Daniels seen here in yesterday's
semi-finals

HONOLULU, HI - Officials for Suave shampoo were forced to cancel the final round of competition Sunday as the three final competitors were all diagnosed with severe cases of whiplash. "It's the worst thing I've seen in 40 years of medicine," Dr. Malekalono said in this afternoon's press conference. "All three beautiful women were walking around on the beach, their heads slightly cocked to the side, and there was just a smidge of drool coming out every so often. Kind of like the slow drip of a swamp cooler leaking."

Tanya Daniels, Josie Miller, and Bobette Brady are all devastated that they are unable to compete. "I might not be able to fling my hair today," Daniels said in a prepared statement read by some short little odd man who could barely reach the microphone, "but I can still strut my stuff."

Miller had a similar prepared comment read by a similarly odd little man. "Swagger is swagger whether you are walking straight with your head held high or slightly to the left with your head tilted back and slightly to the right."

Brady was brave and addressed the media on her own. "I might... be fine... and win... water guns," she told everyone.

Experts believe that Suave will just end up hiring all three women for future campaigns once they can at least hold their heads straight and stop drooling involuntarily. "Otherwise they are going to be looking at extensive lawsuits," said advertising guru Lon Murphy. "And I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want three women upset with me. There's a reason why they compare hell's fury to the scorn of women."

Suave officials did not respond to our efforts at getting a comment.

Man Gets Gold Watch, Loses It In Divorce

DETROIT, MI - Joel Smith does not consider himself a workaholic - he just thinks he puts in 100% all the time. "I do what any man should do for his employer," Smith told the Pummelo this morning. "I make myself valuable. You have to be valuable these days in this economy because there are 100 other people waiting to take your job from you if you make just one mistake."

Smith's employer, BRG Manufacturing, was so impressed with Smith's work ethic that he was recently awarded a rare item - a gold watch. "Normally they hand these out to guys after 10 years," said Smith. He smiled proudly. "I got mine for working 113 consecutive days."

Because Smith defines himself with his work, other things went lacking. "Yeah - lacking would be one way to describe our relationship," commented Smith's wife Paula. "He was rarely home. When he was home he was watching football and eating Doritos in his underwear." Paula shook her head in disgust. "For two weeks, the only phrase he spoke to me was 'Paula dear, could you get me another beer' and then laugh like it was some stupid country song."

Then Paula smiles a very toothy smile. "But I got even."

Got even she did. A judge on Friday finalized the Smith's divorce and Paula got the one thing she was after. "I got that watch of his. His pride and joy is now mine."

Henry Baker, CFO of BRG, was adamant about not giving Smith another watch. "I voted against him getting the first one. He ain't going to get a second."

Smith has high hopes, however. "Now that I don't have any family tie-downs, I can work every day for three years. That should let me be the first in BRG to get two gold watches." Smith smiles wistfully at the thought. "I know I can do it."