Thousands Irked by $5 Charge to See Just An Actual Green Lantern

DULUTH - Jerry Plyer is probably the most hated man in America today. Why? Because for the past two weeks he has been selling tickets at five dollars a pop to see the "authentic" Green Lantern. Whether it would be an appearance by Ryan Reynolds or maybe an appearance by Neal Adams in costume, most fans didn't care. What they got to see, however, was Plyer unveiling a lantern with a green light bulb inside it.

"I never told anyone that there would be a celebrity appearance outside my home," Plyer told The Pummelo defensively. "It's not my fault that everyone blew this out of proportion."

It is estimated that Plyer made almost $10,000 off of the ordeal. "People can hate me all they want," Plyer said. "At least now I've got a good eight months of my mortgage paid off this year."

Plyer was so immediately hated that riot police had to be summoned to settle the crowd, who all immediately wanted their five bucks back. "I could have gone to Burger King for breakfast to hear a great flute solo!" one man was heard repeatedly yelling from the crowd.

Officials do not plan to charge Plyer with a crime as his advertisement, though seeming misleading, was accurate. "The guy advertised for people to see an authentic green lantern and what I see is an authentic green lantern," said Chief of Police Gordon Ramsay. "There's no crime in that."

We did have to bail out our reporter on scene however as Chief Ramsay was asked several cooking questions and for a secret update on Hell's Kitchen as our reporter mistakenly thought Chief Ramsay was Chef Gordon Ramsay of Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares television fame. We officially apologize and regret the confusion.

Chester Chestnut Refuses to Be Roasted This Year

HOLLYWOOD - Officials with Comedy Central announced that they have had to cancel their planned celebrity roast of Chester Chestnut because he has pulled out of the planned show that was scheduled to tape tomorrow evening and air on Christmas Eve.

"Mr. Chestnut's agent has declined to give us a specific reason as to why he has pulled out of his planned appearance," said Chuck Stations, spokesperson for Comedy Central. "Therefore we expect Mr. Chestnut to repay the advance fees awarded to him in expectation of his appearance."

In an exclusive interview, Mr. Chestnut revealed his reasons only to The Pummelo. "There is a lot of money, prestige, and fame that would come with my appearance on Comedy Central, but I just couldn't do it." Chestnut wipes a tear away. "I've had so many of my brothers and sisters roasted and eaten over the holidays that to make fun of me with a roast while even more of my brethern are actually being roasted..." Chestnut pauses a moment to collect himself. "I just can't do it."

Stations states that they have no plans to bring Chestnut back in. "We figured it would be a good ratings bonanza to have Mr. Chestnut on the show this season. If he doesn't want to be on it, then it's his loss - his permanent loss."

Chestnut is all right with that. "Instead of focusing on my acting career and making millions, I should have been focused on saving my kind from the travesties and stigmas that come from being eaten by humans." Chestnut gets a steely resolve to his complexion. "I'm not going to let that happen again."

Fluffy Recovering Well From Addiction and Neglect

PASADENA - The average person seeing Fluffy, a 5 year old mixed breed, for the first time would be struck with the image of an every day normal cat doing normal cat things. Owner Ben Rayburn says that is exactly what Fluffy wants everyone to think. "He's a very proud cat. He wants people to think that he is just as normal as you or I."

The truth is far from it, however. Fluffy was born to a crack-addicted, HIV positive mother and veterinarians initially feared that Fluffy wouldn't even be able to open his eyes. Dr. Karen Rogers oversaw Fluffy's delivery. "He had so many factors going against him that I didn't see him making it a week. Being the runt of the litter and having such a deadbeat mother... well, we all thought he would be headed into a plastic bag rather rapidly."

Fluffy managed to get through the early days, but it was apparent that his mother had no desire to have him almost immediately. "Every time Fluffy would join the rest of his siblings to get attention, his mother would make an example out of Fluffy to insure that all the kittens would leave her be," Rogers says with a sad shake of her head. "I've never seen a worse case of neglect in my 15 years in the business."

Fluffy inherited the crack addiction from his mother and as soon as his paws could carry him, he started scurrying around town in a hunt for the next fix. Fluffy's friend Zack, a transient with no last name, remembers those days almost fondly. "Some cats hunt rats, some cats hunt mice. Fluffy - he was the best at finding discarded crack rocks, pipes, and lighters. Those two years with Fluffy are the best that I'll barely remember."

Rogers remembers the day when things began to change. "I got a phone call from the police department saying that they had a cat in custody from their local roundup of drug lords in the area. Said he had my number under his collar." Rogers smiles. "It makes me happy to know he thought well of me all those hard years."

Rogers instituted an intervention and checked Fluffy into the Betty Ford Clinic the next morning. That's where Fluffy and Rayburn first met. "The first thing I thought when I saw Fluffy that day as we both walked into rehab was 'Man, I thought I did some hard stuff,'" Rayburn recounts. "The instant I saw Fluffy I knew it was time for me to get sober."

Fluffy and Rayburn checked out together and Rayburn invited Fluffy into his first permanent home. Things weren't easy. "Fluffy wouldn't let me touch him for pretty much the first year," Rayburn remembers. "And he would misbehave all the time just to see if I would stick it out with him." With twice a week therapy sessions that allow Fluffy to vent his stored up anger and daily follow-up therapy with Rayburn, Fluffy is progressing nicely.

"I really hope he pulls this thing out," Rayburn says. "He's my inspiration to stay sober and I don't know what I'd do if he falls off the wagon." Fluffy looks at Rayburn and says "Meow," and Rayburn nods. "We're going to make sure that Fluffy isn't a statistic."

Star Trek Convention Marred By Wardrobe Malfunctions

CHICAGO - Die hard fans thinking that they were bringing their children to a family-friendly dress up event full of stars from the long-running, multi-franchise Star Trek universe were shocked when the first guest of the convention, Christopher Lloyd who played the character Kruge, a Klingon, had a wardrobe malfunction that exposed his right nipple.

All the guys hoped Chase Masterson would
be there for a malfunction, but unfortunately
all they got were pictures like this.
www.chasemasterson.com

Things did not stop there, however. "Once that guy on stage lost part of his costume, all the other Star Trek fans dresses as Klingons thought it would be funny to run around with their nipples out too," said Jean Miller, 31, of nearby Rockford, IL. "My two kids did not need to see an 85 year old woman dressed up as a Klingon running around the convention center with her saggy boob hanging out of 2nd hand Klingon battlearmor."

When all of that chaos settled, William Shatner took the stage and took things to another level with his own wardrobe malfunction that exposed most of his upper chest. "I could have gone my entire life without seeing Kirk's nipples covered in curly gray hair," said John Bradford, 19, of Milwaukee. "Now when I go to bed at night I'm going to have those two gnarly pointy things staring at me..." Bradford shudders. "I think I'm going to have to hire a therapist for awhile."

Howard Sandford, 51, of Chicago, was equally disappointed, but in a different way. "Girls these days don't dress up as Klingons, so there weren't any hot chicks running around with their boobs exposed. And would the convention book someone cute from the franchise like Chase Masterson and would she have a wardrobe malfunction?" Sandford snorts. "Of course not. I've already got 3 nipples. I don't need to see any more man boobs in my life."

Organizers for the event have offered full apologies for the wardrobe malfunctions and have indicated that day two of the convention will be free both in cost and from free-flying nipples.

45 Year Old Pop Tarts Taste Like They Were Made Yesterday

JACKSONVILLE, FL - Marcus Norman has waited for this day since 1965. "I was eight years old when my parents bought me my first Pop Tarts," he said recently in an exclusive interview. "It was the first thing I could remember them ever giving me, so I decided to keep that package to remember their love for me."

Born out of the pop art movement, Pop Tarts have been a breakfast staple of millions, including Norman. "With it being 45 years today, I decided to honor my folks by eating those Pop Tarts today, as nasty as they might be."

Seen above, Norman was pleasantly surprised to find that he wasn't going to have to eat a moldy hunk of crap. "I always knew that Pop Tarts provided seven essential vitamins and minerals to start your day, but I had no idea that TBHQ would keep those babies so nice and fresh." Norman did not hesitate in sticking them in a toaster to warm them up. "I ain't going to lie - I don't usually heat them," he admits with a sly smile. "For their anniversary I'll make an exception though."

One bite later, Norman gives us the thumbs-up. "Tasty - just like they were made yesterday," he tells us.

Executives with Kraft, the parent company of Post which initially came up with the Country Squares breakfast concept because they figured they could keep human food fresh like they did dog food, are none to happy. Joe Smith, spokesman for the group, simply handed us a folded up note when we asked for an interview. The note said, "We began the Pop Tart phenomenon in 1963 and the billions of dollars worth of sales should be ours, not Kellog's, because they stole it from us. You want a real story, let's talk about that."

Norman doesn't care who makes the tasty pastries - he just wants to make sure they never go away. "I plan on having my casket filled with Pop Tarts in case I ever come back as a zombie or something," he told us in closing. "That way if I never can get out of the ground, I'll be happy for quite some time munching away on some frosted blueberry goodness."

This Guy Discovers He Has No League

ASPEN - Eddie Stevens has always gone through life feeling like he was a loner. Sure, he had a couple friends growing up, but all they ever did was play Dungeons and Dragons and make Eddie be the Elf all the time.

He once got to Level 48 and was able to destroy a 10 tentacled sharktopus single-handedly, but his friends attribute that to loaded dice. "For a long time, this was the biggest highlight of my life," Stevens says with a wistful smile.

That loner feeling was magnified in high school when his family won the lottery and moved to Aspen, CO. Suddenly he did not know anyone nor did he truly have any money. Combined with his history of playing D & D, he was instantly cast away as a subcategory labeled "Worse than a Poor Nerd," as documented by his high school yearbook.

Being 25 and still not having had a legitimate girlfriend - "I don't talk about the bathroom incident Sophomore year" - Stevens started pondering if he was a homosexual. One trip to the local gay bar was enough to convince him otherwise. "I didn't even get a second glance from anyone."

This event caused Stevens to enroll in a new study in his adopted hometown that intended to determine exactly what type of woman or man depending on who you are and what your orientation is. Dr. Ian Fielding leads the study. "It is a multi-day, multi-question, multi-page assessment to determine exactly who is attracted to you based on your key attractiveness factors," Fielding told us. "For instance, not every woman is going to be attracted to a half-Italian, half-Irish man with a rather large nose."

Stevens took the exam and impatiently waited for two weeks for the results to return. He was quite shocked by the results. "It told me that literally no one on this planet will ever be attracted to me in a romantic way," he said, disappointment quite evident.

Fielding was also quite surprised. "We've had some butt-ugly people come through here and be able to find some compatibility. This guy - well, I just hope he doesn't kill himself. I wouldn't want that on my conscience."

Even though it is just an assessment and there could always be that one person out there, Stevens has accepted his fate of loneliness. "I've decided to just become a mountain man. I've got a cabin out by the Maroon Belles and I'm just going to live there year round on whatever I can catch, which may or may not include some imported snacks from the local City Market."

Will he ever get bored? "I think a beard will look good with these shades and it will help keep me warm. That'll take a good couple months. Then I can always play D & D with my invisible friends again like when I was young."

Bush Purchases All 775k Copies of His Book

ARLINGTON, TX - Republicans nationwide experienced the rollercoaster of emotion today as it was announced that 775,000 copies of President Bush's new book Decision Points sold in the first week of general distribution. Unfortunately Bush was forced to admit later on in the day that he himself purchased all 775,000 copies personally or via contract to others.

"I couldn't have my book lose to Bubba's," Bush told The Pummelo in an exclusive interview today. "This way I knew that at least Random House would be forced to increase the first run." Which Random House has done, increasing the first production run from 1.5 million to 1.85 million.

"Eventually people are going to pick this book up to read it," Bush said. "It may not have sex and candy, but it does have violence, gore, and Gore.You can't go wrong with that."

We asked him why he felt it was necessary to purchase or contract to purchase all the copies that have been reported. "I got off to a slow start in my Presidency and I just didn't want that to happen with my book."

John Grisham, noted author of several long and boring legal novels that all have the same formulaic stories, defended Bush's actions. "When I published my first book, it only sold 2,000 copies initially and I'm the one who bought all those copies. You have to do what you have to do to get your book into people's hands, onto shelves, and into stores."

Random House officials simply gave us an e-mail stating that they didn't care who bought the books - all that matters to them is that they don't get returned.

"This book really is going to be my legacy," Bush told us in closing. "People are going to forget about the actions of my Presidency and judge me based off of what I've written through a ghostwriter in this book. People are also going to forget about this interview. All that they will remember is that my book sold 775,000 copies, and that means I've succeeded."

Canada's Forests Under Duress

Canada's trees continue to feel the strain of only receiving snow to
feed themselves. "If only I could have a nice, long rain," said Fred,
a depressed Aspen in Ontario, "then I could be happy again."

Palin Pulled For 1-Way Mars Trip By Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama announced today that he has decided to advance the previously outlined plans to get to Mars by the 2030's by almost 20 years. "I'd like to have people exploring Mars by the end of the next year," Obama told the Press in a surprise appearance at the first conference of the week. "We need to preserve the human species and going to another planet seems like an even better idea right now."

When asked who he would tap to be the first human to step foot on a different planet, Obama did not hesitate. "It's got to be Sarah Palin. She's got the goods - heck, have you seen what she's been doing on TLC?"

Experts believe that Obama has been influenced by recent reports that a one way trip to Mars would cost 80% less in addition to early polls that show Palin would smoke Obama if given an election today. Obama denies these observations. "All we want is someone, an American, to look good on a different planet. I'd go, but I'm the President. What else am I supposed to do?"

The Palin camp released a statement saying that Sarah was still weighing her options, but did mention that the idea of "seeing Jupiter from my front porch is very enticing." Tea Party members in several states have reportedly started drinking coffee and smoking imported cigars over the stress of potentially losing their leader.

Main Street reaction is rather mixed. "Send her up!" exclaimed Joe Cannon, 46, of Boulder. "I'm tired of seeing her ugly mug everywhere!"

"Send her up!" exclaimed Karen Mallory, 38, of Las Vegas. "It'd be great to have the Tea Party be able to take over Mars and have a woman be the first human on a different planet. You go girl!"

If Palin does go or is forced to go, it is unclear as to who would be the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, though several sources have told us that they are likely to pull Joe the Plumber in to replace Palin. Obama just shrugged when this news was brought to him: "I'll just send him up with her. That way they can have space kids and live happily ever after."