New Resident Dissappointed In Snowmageddon's Nonarrival

What Tom Hughes expected and what he got

GRANBY, CO – Standing in the warm 43 degree air by his large wood pile Tom Hughes admits he is disgusted with the national weather service, his neighbors and admittedly himself.

“I get weather alerts from Google you know,” said Hughes, 37 and a new arrival in Colorado. “So when this blizzard alert pops up on Wednesday I’m thinking, OMG its snowmageddon, I’ve heard about these crazy storms here in the Rockies, so I send my wife Mary and our kids to stock up on food, water and essentials for like ten days and I rush out to get a generator and order an extra two cords of wood, jeez what a waste.”

Hughes waited through the day Wednesday and Thursday but the only flakes that came down were small floating balls of cotton that didn’t even leave a measurable trace. “We moved here from Boulder City, Nevada,” explained Hughes. “And I grew up in San Diego so I don’t know from snow, I thought maybe it took time to arrive but I went and looked at the weather service site and the watch had been cancelled I was annoyed.”

Hughes immediately sent off an email to the National Weather Service explaining how their watch had upset him and his family and demanding better quality control. Hughes added that he became irritated with his new neighbor Geoff Coleridge when he asked why the rush of activity. “He actually asked if we were having a party,” said Hughes. “I was incredulous, I just stared at him, I guessed that being a native he was already prepared for a blizzard, now I owe him an apology because I was being a rude cowardly dawg, hopefully he'll accept and we can get in some golf this afternoon”

Hughes admits that what most bothers him is the way he overreacted. “Look, I’m a full grown man who has been working as an engineer for 15 years near the gambling Mecca, nothing should scare me, I mean what would the kids think if they caught me cowering in my boots over some snow, hell I’m disappointed for them now they thought they would get a snow day and get to go sledding.”

Still Hughes feels relaxed now that they have provisions and have been through a snowmageddon drill. “As much as an embarrassment as this was I can say we’re prepared when it does come.

Wikileaks Says North Korea’s Kim Jong il Likes Boobies

Yeah we're lame. We took this from Wiki who
took it from Russia's PPI office. It would have
been funnier if it was the IPP office.

NORTH KOREA - Among the seemingly endless stream of small revelations from Wikileaks this week, we have tantalizing bits of evidence that Kim Jong il posed as a physician and duped hundreds of women into having their breasts examined by him at Seoul-area nightclubs during secret tours of his southern adversary.

Several cables reveal that South Korean, American and Chinese officials and agents had indications that the “Dear Leader” often disguised himself and crossed the militarized border as a refugee to visit the more open and entertaining night time culture of Seoul.

Documents reveal that Kim Jong il had been apparently doing this for decades, but until he had become leader after his father’s death he had been generally unnoticed, once his identity became known officials gave orders that he be only watched and not approached.  The cables say Kim introduced himself to victims as a plastic surgeon named Ron Vincennes or Lee Kuan Kee, and that Kim discussed the happiness of enlargement with victims after he touched their breasts under the guise of a medical evaluation including breast augmentation and liposuction.

The overall impression given by these leaked documents is that of a aging hipster who even with his immense power at home cannot get female companionship and often resorts to role playing and lies to attain it.

It is a known fact that Kim has had several failed relationships and reportedly has never gotten over the break up with international film and music star Charo in 1981, whom he still refers to as his “Dearest Love Girdle”.

If these intercepted cables are accurate, they provide a certain amount of vindication to the continued South Korean and American policy of keeping up pressure on Pyongyang by, for instance, refusing them a return to the six-party talks. If Kim Jong il regards himself as an elusive sexual demigod then he seems likely to be uninterested in engaging matters that don’t promote that image, or allow him to touch breasts.

Not all of the WikiLeaks releases are so useful, however. It would not require great investigative skill to out the North Korean leader as “a flabby old cabana boy”, to use the words attributed to American dancer Lee Yamashito of the Seoul club Blue Shooter. That counts as gossip, perhaps, but it says something too, about images in of the “Dear Leader” in East Asia.

Man Insists Rewatching 'Vacation' is Cruel And Unusual Punishment

MIDLAND, TX — Pete Stansy, jailed almost four years awaiting trial for his 54th driving-under-the-influence arrest, complains of "torture" at the Midland County Detention Center: He says inmates are being forced to watch the same movie over and over and it is taking a toll.

Stansy, 24, blames Midland County Sheriff Gary Painter.

"Painter just has this one old flick he had laying around and plays it over and over and over," Stansy wrote to the Pummello. "I have seen ‘Vacation,’ hundreds of times now, sometimes five or six times a day. . . . Its like Waterboarding, I feel like I’m drowning, it works on nerves and psyche."

The jail's administrator, Lt. Vinton Curry, said no inmates are forced to watch the movies. "The jail provides a voluntary, video-programmed educational opportunity and entertainment for the inmates, he said. “We show movies in the dayroom area. . . . They can go to their cells and read a book if they so choose."

Demon’s Neighbors Worse Than Those He Had In Hell

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – A retired prince of hell is having a devilish time trying to adjust to his Earthly existence and neighbors Brad and Pullet Harvey are not making it any easier.

“They are two inconsiderate douchebags who get into screaming matches with each other or their girlfriends at 3 a.m. and these are not the melodious screams of the damned,” said Asmodeous the former Prince of the Second Circle of Hell.

Asmodeus moved into what he thought was a quiet residential neighborhood in Woodland Park last April after his retirement as the demon of lust, he says he was looking for some quiet time after eons of designing carnal knowledge and creating succubi.

“I could have chosen anywhere,” he said. “But something about the extremes in temperature and weather called to me, plus watching Kevin Durant for the next ten years was appealing, but  they have taken away all the joy even he creates."

It all began in early May when Asmodeus knocked on the Harvey's door and personally asked them to turn down the George Thorogood after 2 a.m. but they refused and ended up pouring beer on his satin robe and slippers.

Sun's Owner on Hot Seat

Angeles Duran holding her one way ticket to bankruptcy

SPAIN - Angeles Duran, a 49-year-old Spanish woman from Galicia, thought she had a brilliant idea - to own the sun. You see, by international agreement, no country is allowed to lay ownership claim to any celestial body... but that does not apply to individuals. On the surface, it seemed like a great money-making idea: charge the planet a usage fee for the only star that provides us warmth. "I'm not trying to be greedy," Duran told us this morning via Skype. "In fact, I want my country to succeed much more than to see personal success from this venture."

Indeed, Duran has made it abundantly clear that half the money she will get will go to the Spanish government. She said that she felt obligated to send 10 percent of the money toward aiding world hunger and she would only keep 10 percent of the Sun charge fee for herself. What about the other 30 percent? "I was thinking about funding a record label with it because I've always like indy-electro pop, but after talking with my lawyer, I think I'd better use it to establish a legal fund."

Heath Ledger Fan Takes It To Another Level

Simpkins loves Heath Ledger, loves The Joker, and wishes
he had real shark teeth instead of the tattooed variety.
Photo by: Saschaette via deviantArt

LAS CRUCES, NM - Brandon Simpkins has always been a fan of the Batman series. Brandon Simpkins has always been a fan of Heath Ledger. It seemed natural to Brandon Simpkins then that when Heath Ledger became The Joker in The Dark Night that he would start dressing up like him, albeit in his own style. "I knew I couldn't stalk him with that restraining order and all," Simpkins tells us exclusively. "I had to find another way to funnel my devotion."

When the news broke that Ledger had passed on to the other side, Simpkins was absolutely devastated. "I thought I was going to die. The pain and loss I felt was worse then when I spilled a Coke on my PS3." Simpkins knew what he had to do ease his pain, but it wasn't easy. "It took two and a half years and a heck of a lot of Tylenol, but I'm very pleased with the tattoo and plastic surgery. I couldn't have done it any better myself."

One would think that permanently looking like a half demon / half elf would give him problems in his every day life, but Simpkins says it is the opposite. "I couldn't even land a job at Wendy's before I started this process," he recalls. "Now I make paid appearances almost every day, I get laid twice a week, and kids under the age of 8 leave me alone."

"The only way I could love my life more is if Heath was here to see me and love me."

Frank "Lunchbox" Myers of Las Vegas is responsible for the artwork. "When this dude first walked into my parlor, I thought he had smoked some Spice or Oxys or something," he said. "I couldn't believe he wanted his entire face tattooed. But he kept coming back and I like having money, so I think it worked out for both of us. My business is up 40% with just word of mouth about the work on this guy."

Having a face like this hasn't been without consequence, however. Simpkins is banned from all local schools, is only allowed to play Keno or slots on reservation casinos throughout the state, and must get his groceries at Walmart before 6 am or after 9 pm. "It's a small cost to be what I want to be," Simpkins tells us in closing. "Now leave me alone so I can watch Brokeback Mountain and have pleasant dreams this evening."

Santo's Death Screws Up Guy's Celebrity Death Pool

BALTIMORE - Ron Dunham was having a good year until this morning when he woke up to find that the next celebrity to pass away was Ron Santo. Normally Dunham would not even give Ron Santo a secondary thought throughout the course of the day, but effective this morning, Dunham is going to be cursing the name of Ron Santo for the rest of his life.

"I was well on my way to a million bucks," Dunham said. "I had every celebrity death predicted perfectly all year. Now, with 28 days left, I'm SOL thanks to some guy who never made the Hall of Fame... story of my life."

Santo apparently passed away from complications of bladder cancer and had been fighting health issues since the age of 18 when he was diagnosed with diabetes and eventually became a double amputee. "That's why I would never have chosen Santo in a million years to kick the bucket," said Dunham. "The guy was a fighter. He always came back to do something." Dunham shakes his head. "Well, at least he did until I had something on the line. Could he pull it out for good ol' Ronnie? Of course not."

With the million dollar prize now gone, Dunham is not sure what he is going to do. "My unemployment benefits run out at the end of the month, I've got no health insurance, and my dog hates me. I was banking on this million to help sustain me for a good two or three years and buy me a better dog. Now I'll probably be out on the streets playing scratch cards or something with a spiteful mutt... story of my life."

Taking the Subway Takes Years Off Your Life

NEW YORK - Scientists today announced what many have suspected all along - taking the subway literally takes years off your life. "It has something to do with the delayed movement that happens once you enter the subway tunnel," said Dr. Magnus Freiburg, lead researcher for the thinktank People for People based out of Buffalo, NY.

"The vibrations of the train actually affect the space-time continuum, which in turn slows down time around you. However, your body still continues to age at it's normal rate, so one could say that taking the subway literally drains the life straight out of you."

John Grainger, 67, who lives in the Bronx, was not surprised when he heard this announcement. "I feel like I've lost maybe twenty years of my life travelling uptown to work everyday. It's a shame no one figured this out sooner - I could have actually done something with my life."

Freiburg recommends that everyone immediately stop taking the subway. "Above ground trains seem to be all right - we believe that subway trains obtain what we like to call the 'echo effect,' or the fact that the tunnels in which they travel magnify the vibrations that are caused by the train's operation."

City officials think Freiburg is an idiot. "This guy once went on television and told the world that his big toe spoke Swahili and it was telling him that the African people all wanted to defect to Canada," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "The subway, though it seems slow to many, is one of the many forms of mass transit that must be used in our great city for people to get from point A to point B. Without it, we just couldn't function."

Grainger just shakes his head. "I've been sitting next to a smelly bum for nearly a third of my life in a place that drains life away from me while I can achieve nothing. What a terrible life."

A terrible life indeed.

Alien Spermoids Headed To Earth

An artist's rendition of how the Spermoids eat planets.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Officials today are scrambling as WikiLeaks has once again distributed closely held governmental secrets. Today's revelations reveal that on 12/21/12, the planet Earth will be eaten by a large, omnivorous space-faring race called the Spermoids, just as the Mayans predicted hundreds of years ago.

"I feel that it is my duty to warn the human race of our impending doom in the best way I know how," said WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. "Sometimes that is through a blog post, sometimes that is through an anonymous interview, and sometimes that is through having sex with my volunteers whether they like it or not."

The Obama Administration has called on leading scientists to either dispute the story or validate it's validity. Dr. Barry Reynolds is one of those scientists and he doesn't think he'll be able to refute anything. "All of their data looks pretty darn good," Reynolds commented upon reviewing the WikiLeaks post. "If you ask me, you might as well just grab your ankles and prepare to get digested." Reynolds also wishes to add that he is keeping an open mind and anything is possible.

The New KFC Spokesperson Is A Tad Creepy

Courtesy of DeviantArt

LOUISVILLE - After months of ardent searching, officials with Kentucky Fried Chicken today released the first official photograph of their new spokesperson. "We're definitely attempting to go after a different demographic," said Director of PR Jacob Gray. "Since Chick-Fil-A has cows and we've already dominated the fat people demographic, we have high hopes that our new spokesperson will bring in the unique demographic that we are currently missing from the entire chicken market in general."

Named "Blue Jay," KFC is set to officially release the first commercial at this year's Super Bowl. "Why not have our biggest change in years come on the biggest stage in the world?" Gray said. "We think it's going to be win/win."

We of course don't know what they were thinking. It was hard enough to spend five bucks at KFC on greasy chicken. Now...

Local Gang Gets Beat Up By Preschool Class

Jacob Baker kicked some gangbanger
butt today to protect his school.

RANGELY, CO - The toddlers that attend Giant Step Preschool Center in this small northwestern town finally grew tired of daily having to scrub graffiti off their beloved walls today and decided to do something about it.

Mrs. Amy Dearborn is the lead teacher at the preschool. "They all just banded together last night, developed a plan of attack, and implemented it this morning," she tells us with wonderment in her voice. "I never knew they had it in them. Heck - I can't even get most of them to count to 10 or wipe their own butts."

What was implemented is something that war experts are calling a genius strategy. The toddlers waited in the dark with dark clothes on, waited for the would be gangsters to come tag their walls, and then sprayed the gangsters in the face with pepper spray obtained from the local police department. The toddlers then went into a standard attack formation, flanked their enemy, and commenced with a beat down that would have any member of the Mexican Mafia be proud of the results.

The local police chief, who wishes to remain anonymous for some reason even though he is the only police officer for the town, was proud of what the little ones did. "Sometimes you just have to stand up to evil. These preschoolers showed exactly what kind of stuff we're made of here in Rangely."

Jacob Baker led the preschoolers in the planning and attack. "Got tired of chores. Wanted chocolate milk. Laced up and kicked butt," he told The Pummelo exclusively. With the preschool class now having an official gang ranking and designated territory of their own, Baker has even bigger plans now. "Meth and crack have lots of money," he tells us with a toothy smile. "Want a Dance Star Mickey for Christmas. Need lots of money."

Parents are not planning on allowing their toddlers to start their own illegal drug trade, but they are planning on rewarding them for their courage. "I think we might just have to go out to dinner at Applebee's," said Mary Baker, Jacob's mother. "Jacob sure likes their egg rolls and he deserves some positive attention after today."

Jacob just smiles. "Hide meth in diaper all day," he says. "Lots of money."

Wikileaks Reveal Secret Of Bay City Rollers One Time Popularity, Fall From Grace

WASHINGTON D.C. – On Monday Wikileaks released a selection of more than 250,000 U.S. diplomatic cables dating from the mid-sixties to the present day. Among the details about the United States Foreign Service, CIA, and State Department released in the volumes of Wikileaks information are some stunning facts about both America’s allies and enemies.

Information contained in the diplomatic cables show that Syrian leaders since the mid-Sixties had been trying very hard to obtain Kentucky Fried Chicken’s legendary eleven herbs and spices.

According to Le Monde (in translation), a cable relayed to Washington detailed a conversation between deceased Syrian President Hafez al-Assad and the late Tennessee Senator Albert Gore Sr. in 1973. The conversation showed how important al-Assad believed the recipe could be for the economic future of his country if repackaged rather than carrying the Kentucky Fried Chicken trademark. Negotiations were ongoing in an attempt to open trade markets between the two nations and balance peace talks in which Syria played a crucial role.

Another shocking secret revealed, which twice led to breaking of diplomatic ties between the U.S. and Ireland, was the Bay City Rollers two year spy mission in both the United States and in Great Britain. The Irish Cultural Ministry spent over five years creating the band and their cover. Lead singer Les McKeown received training in counter-intelligence and as a Special Air Service in the United Kingdom he had been an undercover agent infiltrating the Irish Republican Army before changing sides and becoming an agent for the Ministry. The Ministry spent hours and millions of pounds developing the band and their unorthodox appearance as well as defending them against charges ranging from drug possession and public indecency to treason against the British Crown. As part of the resolution of the near debacle McKeown once again became an agent for the U.K. and spent much of his later career in Germany. Wikileaks releases also show how bassist Alan Longmuir had been a long standing agent who worked outside of the group and later helped Bishop Desmond Tutu with undercover work in South Africa.

Other cables showed the details of an exchange between the Reagan administration and King Hussein bin Talal of Jordan regarding Avon orders placed by Queen Nor and threats that if her order of September 29, 1983 was not seriously discounted King Hussein would withdraw from peace talks regarding Lebanon.

The final revelation was how President Gerald Ford’s State Department was able to hold off the introduction of Japanese Manga into the United States in exchange for a ten year plan of increased importation of Nissan and Toyota automobiles between 1974 and 1984, the Reagan Administration refused to redo the off the record deal due to pressure from the American auto industry.


One thing is for certain - we are grateful they were not involved in roller derby. 

Suicide Apparently Caused By a Lack of Diggs

The first photo from the Shells suicide scene.
Authorities believe her lack of a writing
career contributed to her suicide.

TACOMA - Susie Shells had one of the hardest lives one could ever imagine. She was severely abused physically and emotionally by her often drunk father. She was the stinky kid in kindergarten. She wrote a book once that only one non-family member ever picked up and that was only so he could piss on it. And now, Susie Shells has taken her own life via tequila overdose.

The immediate question that comes to mind is how could a tragic life be tragically ended in such a tragic way? According to the letter that Shells left the public, she was distraught over the fact that she was posting news stories on Digg.com and no one ever, not even once, clicked a digg on one of her postings.

Dr. Bethany Schmidt, professor of developmental psychology at Baylor University, was not surprised by Shells' suicide. "People like this never really grow up. They stay at the age the abuse first happened, and this poor girl ended up being three years old from a mental development standpoint for the remainder of her life, which meant she was stuck always seeking out positive attention and rarely taking care of herself."

Shells' lone friend Jane Beavers agrees with Dr. Schmidt's assessment. "Susie was always asking if she looked good, if she could catch a ride, if someone would read her Mickey Mouse and the Big Bear Scare," said Beavers. "The writing really was on the wall... I guess we and the general public were all just too blind, too bored, or too stupid to care."

Kevin Rose, co-founder of Digg.com, was surprised that his website was being blamed for Shells' suicide. "Her account was not the first and it won't be the last one to never receive any diggs," Rose said. "It's just a simple fact of life - some people are socially relevant, some people pretend to be socially relevant, and some people should never leave their homes or interact with people. Ever. It's no one's fault and especially not ours that this girl falls into the last category."

Beavers is planning a small memorial service for Friday and when we say small, Beavers plans to be the only one in attendance since no one else ever noticed Shells. "I'm going to cremate her and then put her ashes into some bottled leftover tequila and then throw the bottle into Puget Sound." Beavers sniffles a little bit. "I think she would like that.

Thousands Denied Free Porn on Cyber Monday

SAN FRANCISCO - A small riot brewed outside a small porn shop on Grant Street this afternoon to protest the fact that the porno shop, named Porno Shop, denied free images to applicants at their website today. Police were initially called in to disperse the crowd, but many believed them to actually be participants and were very complimentary of their Village People attire. A local model, Monica Pierce, was then called in to distract the crowd and lead them into oncoming traffic, which then quickly eliminated the problem.

Carl Lomas, 19, of Oakland, was amongst the protesters. "The only thing cyber that I do is cybersex, so when they announced a nationwide cyber event today, I figured free webcam, free movies, free pictures... but no. They wanted to SELL me stuff. That's not cool."

Joe Magnon was of the same opinion. "I'm so tired of people in this country promising one thing and delivering something else. Every American knows that the only two things you use the Internet for is to look at porn and shop on eBay. What else were we supposed to think Cyber Monday was about?"

Herman "Bootyville" Checkers owns the Porno Shop. "Normally I love the fact that my store is filled with stupid people," he told us outside his shop once the crowd cleared. "I can clear out a lot of wallets selling smut - I've put all 8 of my kids through college. Today, however, was a different beast. Today was enough to make me want to get out of the business and deal with smart people for a change."

College Student Loses Over 1000 Friends and Followers In One Night

Loren Walsh contemplating his failure

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – Loren Walsh is having a very bad month. The local college student began the month with 530 followers on Twitter and 879 “Friends” on Facebook; today, when he logged into both accounts, he discovered that he had lost all of his Twitter followers and all but 17 friends.

“I don’t have any idea what I could have sent that would cause this,” said Walsh. “I’ve tried really hard to be a nice guy. I don’t curse, I seldom talk about politics, and most people I know follow the Sooners (University of Oklahoma sports) or the Texas or Colorado teams so it wasn’t that.”

Walsh didn’t go to classes today and worked on what he is calling a Social Autopsy. "This has been really hard! I mean ok, I have to be honest and say that I really only interact with six or eight of my followers and maybe 35 friends, except for those I play Mafia Wars or Castle Age with, but I still just can’t fathom what it was that made people leave me in droves and to be honest it hurts.”

Former “friend” Alicia Janeson though said it shouldn’t be that hard for Walsh to understand. “He posted that he was happy that Justin Bieber won several Kids Awards,” explained Janeson. “Seriously he is 22 years old, he is going to graduate with his undergrad degree in anthropology and he watches the Kids Awards, W hat. The. Fuck.”

When told of Janeson’s opinion Walsh appeared shocked. “Seriously, Ally seriously said that my happiness about the Biebe’s awards did all this,” responded Walsh. “I - I don’t know what to say he is a good singer, I mean not as good as My Chemical Romance, but he deserves what accolades he gets.”

Walsh put his head in his hands and sighed, “I guess I should like post, well I don’t know what to post I’m not going to lie I’ll just try to make the best of this I have a lot of work in my classes, and my job, I will survive.”

Janeson suggests that is the best thing for Walsh. “It’s too bad I guess,” she said. “It’s kind of like breaking up with someone and there is a little bit of regret but we all have to move on and there will be other followers and friends for Loren, this is for the best.”

Serial Killer Stalks "Airplane!" Cast Members

FT. LAUDERDALE - The surviving cast members of the cult comedy movie Airplane! are turning on their security systems and beefing up on the bodyguards as word came this evening that Leslie Neilsen passed away from "pneumonia."

"We all know that all the comic troops putting out movies these days are jealous of the work that we did in Airplane!" Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said this evening. "I wouldn't put it past Steve Carell to be putting something into the water since he doesn't have a tenth of what anyone on that cast had in comedic talent."

Nielsen is the third cast member this year to have died of "natural causes." Barbara Billingsley and Peter Graves passed away earlier this year much to the grief of fans everywhere and what now seem to be suspicious circumstances. This has caused authorities to start looking into the matter. Special Agent Fred Fleckner is heading up the task force. "I plan on getting to the bottom of this just as soon as humanly possible,' Fleckner said in a hastily called press conference. "I don't know about you, but I sure don't want someone coming in to off Julie Hagerty. She's still hot, even after all these years."

Fans plan a full week of mourning to include several marathons of the Naked Gun movies, Airplane! of course, and many are even planning secret screenings of Forbidden Planet. Abdul-Jabbar is planning on attending one of these events in person to pay his tributes. "Not everyone can be as brilliant as me when it comes to acting, but Leslie came close. I'm sure going to miss him."

And so are many, many others.

NASCAR Should Let Midgets Drive

Some things in life are very, very boring. For instance, watching a whole lot of cars turn left a whole lot of times.

Sure - people watch racing for the crashes, but for many people, crashes are simply not enough to stay engaged for three hours on a weekend afternoon. And when you incorporate NASCAR rules which regulate everything being equal and fair to allow for competition, the yawn factor gets driven even further skyward.

That's why today we should all stand up and declare that NASCAR should allow midgets to drive. If you are unable to change weights, spoilers, or even engine performance ratios, the only real weight advantage you can get is decreasing the weight of the driver. Five time winner Jimmie Johnson agrees with the idea in principle: "If you can lose a hundred pounds of driver, you could definitely give yourself a few seconds advantage over the course of a race and that could be the difference in winning or becoming the first loser."

Jack Roush of Roush Fenway Racing is also on board, but with some hesitation. "It's a good thought, but you just can't throw a midget into a high powered machine like this. It would be like seeing your grandma driving the car down the road - all you would see his the top of his head and the top of his knuckles - and I just don't know how stable a booster seat would be."

NASCAR officials are a bit mum on the ordeal. "Obviously we want to have a competitive sport that allows for some individual differences, personality, and ability to perform," Mike Helton stated in response to what our piece is about. "Yet we don't want to have someone completely dominate the sport because they have better equipment. There is a fine balance that we must maintain for the fans."

Union representatives for jockeys in the United States are definitely in favor of the idea. "Heck, we're already used to being able to turn left effectively," said Paul Short, current president of the union. "If NASCAR lets us in, we can take our profession to the next level. That's exciting."

One thing is for certain: the average NASCAR fan would dig a midget in the car, just like they dug Danica Patrick in a car before they figured out she couldn't win a race. The difference here, however, is that where most male fans still enjoy Patrick prancing around in a bikini on top of her car, they will not enjoy a bunch of little guys doing the same if midgets are not successful drivers in NASCAR.

But that's a gamble we think NASCAR should take.