Lawsuit To Determine Future Of Naughty Or Nice

NORTH POLE – A bad day at Santa Claus’s world wide headquarters became much worse this afternoon when the Claus organization, Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, The Elf Brigade, all nine tiny reindeer, and the Elfin Watch where served with a cease and desist order from one Jacob Lars Gregerson of Baton Rouge, LA.

Mr. Gregerson is suing the legendary toy maker for defamation, after discovering that Clause had placed him on the naughty list for the second year in a row. "We feel that this is a just and necessary action,” said Gregerson’s lawyer Jackie Chiles. “How can one define ‘naughty’, its outrageous, egregious, preposterous that one man believes he can decide what constitutes appropriate behavior for a seven year old.” The cease and desist order will remain in effect until a hearing on Mr. Gregerson’s suit is held on December 22 in the federal court house in Baton Rouge.

Elfin Watch leader Almyra will represent the Clause organization and is prepared to file a request for an immediate hearing on Monday. “This could not have come at a worse time,” said the elf. “We already behind, I heard rumors today that Santa has fallen off the wagon which exaggerates any problem, we haven’t even finished the ‘Nice and Naughty’ lists, this is all very frustrating.”

Chiles stated that none of these facts are his concern. “Frankly, my job is to see to the interests of my client, we are willing to settle if their schedule is that important, regardless, who are they to be attempting to decide who has been ‘naughty or nice’ is that really part of the season?” Chiles went on, “No it is not, this is the season of giving, we don’t hire private detectives to check on our family friends behavior neither should this supposedly jolly fat man be looking into children's private lives.”

Almyra said there will be no settlement or offer of one, “That would be against tradition, we have a 1,700 year business model that has been successful and I believe there are precedents such as the 1947 Macy’s V. Kringle case that will protect us, I know the spirit of the season will show us to be in the right and Rudolph, Blitzen, Vixen and all the reindeer are already chomping at the bit to set a speed record.”

Jessica Claus Discovered to Be Jessica Rabbit

I snapped this with a Snappy. Remember Snappy?
It's from Roger Rabbit. It's not my image. 

NORTH POLE - Images released today of Jessica Claus, wife of Santa Claus, confirm that Mrs. Claus is really the former Jessica Krupnick, though she is best known for her sultry singing, a dress held on by tacky glue and invisible twine, and of course for being the wife of Roger Rabbit.

"As much as I like rabbits, I like chubby rich old men even better," Jessica told us today in an exclusive interview. "I guess you could say that now I am just as bad as I am drawn."

According to Jessica, the Rabbits were divorced in 2006 due to the fact that Roger could not snap out of his lack-of-work-induced depression. "After living with a sad bunny for almost 6 years, I knew I had to make a change for myself just to keep my own sanity. Soon after I filed the papers I met Santa Baby, and because of that I knew I had made the correct decision to remove Roger from my life." She giggled. "The fact that Santa is the most famous and the wealthiest man in the world helped a little bit too."

Roger tells the account of the divorce a bit differently. "P-P-P-P-Please! I'm lucky I didn't catch a disease!" he said after we showed him Jessica's story. "I would have had a better life if I'd stuck my foot in Dip every morning!"

We asked Dr. Phil to weigh in on the situation. "People, rabbits, creatures of all kinds have needs that must be met. If one cannot have their needs met by the person to whom they are committed, then they are going to seek to meet those needs elsewhere. If Mr. Rabbit truly did not seek treatment for an extended bout of depression... well, I don't blame Jessica."

"Despite what people may think, I'm not a golddigger," says Jessica. A gleam comes to her eye. "I'm a toydigger."

War On Christmas Comes Home To Minnesota Neighborhood

This is what the neighbors want Dahlgren's house to look like.
He says Fuck You. 

WINONA, MN – David Dahlgren’s home, in the Yeoman’s Pond subdivision, is causing quite a stir among neighbors who wonder where his holiday display is. Dahlgren lights, if he actually has any, aren't up and adding to the bright tradition of the neighborhood.

“I’m bothered by it,” said Ed Coverdale who owns the house across the street. “What is it, December 10th and there is nothing on the roof or the lawn, what’s the deal?”

Coverdale’s own yard features everything from traditional snowmen to Winnie-the-Pooh and Transformers figurines.

“I didn’t think David and Joann were those kind of people,” said neighbor Wren Daigle. “I guess you just never know about your neighbors but I thought they were genuine and shared old fashioned values.” Daigle’s house is ringed in thousands of icicle lights and has a lighted train circling the yard which is synched to her computer’s iTunes library so that every time it crosses by the front door a new Johnny Mathis or Bing Crosby song starts.

Santa Relapses - Delivery Delays Expected

Mr. Claus was found outside a nightclub early Saturday
morning. It is unknown at this time how Christmas
will be affected.

NORTH POLE - Officials at the North Pole are in a tizzy this morning as news has come out of China that Santa Claus has relapsed to his addictions of cheap beer, medical marijuana, and Oxycontin.

"Unfortunately Mr. Claus has become indisposed thanks to his decisions last night," said Walter, Master Chief of the Elf Brigade. "We're going to keep on plugging when it comes to making toys, but with the naughty or nice list not yet completed and Santa likely headed to rehab..."

Walter shook his head. "I would expect at least a two week delay for present delivery this year. And that's if Santa sobers up on time. The last time this happened was in 1931 and we had a 14 week delay then."

Mr. Claus has been struggling with addiction since the time of the Dark Ages. "He really took it personally when people were dying of things like plague and the flu," Mrs. Claus told us. "In those days many people didn't believe in him and what he was trying to do, which just made things that much harder."

Wikileaks Reveals A Cat and Mouse Game Of World Domination

PARIS, FRANCE – In another extraordinary series of cables released by Wikileaks, it has been discovered that the governments of the world were nearly brought to their knees by the eco-terrorist Jen Duval MephistovonDoom in 1974. The cables show that both the United States and the U.S.S.R. were seriously contemplating capitulation to MephistovonDoom after he revealed his technological superiority over them with a gravity control device known as the “Gravitor.”

“The Gravitor makes all missile deployment systems unusable,” states a memo from then Chief of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General David Charles Jones. "At this time we have seen that MephistovonDoom use the device to lift our aircraft carriers from the oceans and control flight of our bombers, while we have discussed the use of nuclear weapons on the MephistovonDoom compound in Antarctica we can be certain that any launch would be reversed and used upon us, at this time we feel that our only defense is black-ops teams sent by old clipper type vessels onto the continent and attempt to deal with any civilian or other losses we may suffer  while refusing to meet his demands.”

President Gerald Ford and Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev agreed with this plan and that special groups were formed to make assaults on MephistovonDoom’s lair, however three attempts were unsuccessful.

The governments that now make up the G-20 all met at the U.N. and agreed to begin the process of turning the world over to the new master in Versailles.

Then something quite unexpected happened, two animals being used for scientific testing in the Reynauld Labs in Paris had apparently gained some form of unknown intelligence after an experiment known as the Flowers for Algernon. The two animals were a mouse code named Jerri and a kitten code named Scratchy. The two animals, apparently of their own accord became stowaways on the last NATO ship to approach Antarctica. After weeks of hiding and planning the two animals found that if they reverse engineered a lodestone boot used by NASA for space walks they could move and act with in the waves of the Gravitor.

A wounded Navy Seal named John Bastion was able to get the two small mammals into the MephistovonDoom compound where they used the lodestone’s they had created for themselves to get into the engineering center and disable the Gravitor. Bastion took care of both animals until their deaths, Jerri in 1977 and Scratchy in 1989. The cables do not reveal what happened with the Gravitor technology.

US Decrees Assange's Name To Be Shortened To Just "Ass"

Attribution: New Media Days / Peter Erichsen

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fox News is reporting that President Obama has signed into law a bill that forcibly changes Julian Assange's name to just Ass. It apparently is one of the fastest bills to ever make it through both the House and Senate and is also one of the few bills that was approved unanimously.

Apparently being infamous for his position as the leader of WikiLeaks and screwing the wrong girls in his organization is enough for the United States to take such drastic measures. "We feel that it is only appropriate for Mr. Ass to have a name assigned to him that fits how we think about him," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stated in announcing the new law.

Supporters are vowing revenge. "You thought it was bad when we shut down Visa," said an anonymous hacker. "I can tell you that after this, you ain't seen nothin'."

Assange, or Ass, could not be reached for a comment since he's rotting in a British prison at the moment. We expect he will not like this, however, once he learns of it.

Night Sky Condemned For Not Being "Christmasy"

Could Satan be responsible for this during the
Christmas season?

BOULDER - City officials and local religious leaders all came together in a rare statement of unification this morning to condemn the night sky last night for not reflecting the Christmas spirit.

"I am really quite disappointed in Mother Nature," said Boulder city manager Jane Brautigam. "We are all attempting to get into the Christmas spirit around here and last night was just a complete downer for all of us."

"Indeed - a state known for its big skies, memorable landscapes, and ability to dump a foot of snow somewhere on demand failed to follow through," commented Gene Binder, lead pastor of Cornerstone Church. "In fact, the only explanation that seems plausible is that this is the work of the devil - he's always attempting to undermine the message of Christianity."

Martin Mosko, Abbot of the Zen Buddhist center, is also in agreement. "Someone must have done something pretty funky for this to happen in this way," he said. "There is no possible way a night sky like this around here comes around naturally."

Whether it is the work of a strange weather pattern, the devil, or sheer past life funkiness, at least everyone is banding together. "We plan on stepping up Christmas activities in our city to compensate for the terrible downer we all experienced last night," said Brautigam. "More Christmas trees, more menorahs, and maybe even something from Kwanzaa this year. We've got to put a stop to the negativity."

Binder also plans on more Christmas events. "We're really going to push the congregation on getting out into the community and spreading the good news of Christmas," he said. "After all, Jesus is the reason for the season - whatever your faith happens to be. We're not going to be deterred from the night sky."

Mosko promised to get us an agenda when he stopped his meditation for the day. We're still waiting for it.

Terrorists Plant Subliminal Messages in Tickle Me Elmo

WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House officials are urgently asking parents across the country to dig out all of their old Tickle Me Elmo dolls and put them into some sort of incinerator. "We have discovered that there are subliminal messages encouraging youngsters to commit jihad in these toys," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced in this morning's press conference. "Now that you have seen the results of what this horrific toy can do with Mohamed Osman Mohamud in Portland and Antonio Martinez in Baltimore, we believe it is time to take action."

"Find every single Elmo and get rid of it. Burn it. Send it through your garbage disposal. Just make sure your kids stop listening to it."

Tickle Me Elmo, a children's toy from Tyco Preschool, is based on the famous Sesame Street character. It was introduced in the United States in 1996, and soon became the "must have" toy of the decade. Many parents literally fought each other and in some cases store employees in toy stores to purchase one of the toys for Christmas. Little did they know what they were fighting over would lead their children in the possible pursuit of killing Americans.

William Hung To Be Surprise Winner of "The Sing Off"

Hung always comes out smelling like roses...

HOLLYWOOD - Audience members of The Sing Off were dismayed this evening when a slip of the lip from Nick Lachey during an off-air moment indicated that none of the 10 groups on the current season of the hit show on NBC would win the $100,000 grand prize, and instead that it would be awarded to William Hung.

Hung was just as surprised as everyone. "I knew people like She Bangs, but had no idea of people like other songs."

Producers immediately apologized for the slip. "Mr. Lachey released information not intended for the general public and for that we greatly apologize," the show released in a written statement. "However, after evaluating the talent performing on this season of the show, we feel that there is no other viable option but to award the top prize to Mr. Hung."

Hung plans on spending the money wisely. "I like watching a lot of minor league baseball and $4 hot dogs get expensive over the course of a season. Add an $8 beer and you can be broke in no time."

Ben Folds was asked what he thought of Lachey's slip and simply commented, "Whatever."

Because NBC owns the rights to the show and therefore has the ability to award whatever they want to whomever they want, nothing looks to change over the course of the next 3 weeks. The groups plan on continuing to perform despite the lack of a prize. "It's not often we get to sing before a good 10,000 viewers at one time," said one performer who wished to remain anonymous. "When you sing acapella, you have to take what you're given."

Turns Out Bingo Was Not His Name-O

We figured out Jackson's secret - now will he have to
pay back the millions from his single?

OMAHA, NE - Kids have sung the song for years: There was a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o. Turns out that Bingo's name is really Jackson and what's even worse - he doesn't live on a farm at all and never has. "Yes, it's true. I live in a studio apartment in downtown Omaha," Jackson admitted to us this morning. "I've never even stepped a paw onto a farm. Why would you? They smell terrible."

According to financial records, Jackson has earned just a little more than $10 million thanks to that little ditty that purportedly describes his life. So why did Jackson create an alternate persona for his first and only mainstream release? "I had to compose the song that way," Jackson said quite defensively. "No one wants to sing a song like There was a dog named Jackson who lives by himself in Omaha. No one would buy that. It's got zero hook. It's got zero rhyme."

Make Justin Bieber a Power Ranger

History is bound by a special law of people not learning from the mistakes their predecessors have made and repeating said mistakes, often to a greater, more expensive level. That's why I think it is time for a change for Justin Bieber.

Justin - don't make the mistakes of your predecessors.

Let's take a moment to look back through time and what has happened in similar circumstances for young men such as Justin:

Case #1: Hanson.
They Mmm-Bopped their way onto the music scene in the pop boom of the mid-90's, dude's voice changed, got transferred over to Def Jam after 10 million records, and their Wiki page basically calls them losers in a very politically correct way.

Case #2: Britney Spears
Umm... yeah. Kevin Federline.

Case #3: Michael Jackson
Although he had tremendous fame and tremendous fortune, let's all be honest - MJ never really grew up. Then he tried to be white. Then he got addicted to plastic surgery. Then he stopped making decent music.

The point is, Justin, you need to find a way where you don't have to lose your charm with the ladies once your voice changes and people don't care who you are any more. That's why you should become the next Red Power Ranger. This way you can act some, still sing a little maybe, but a majority of the show kids are going to think you're in a red helmeted jumpsuit when it's really just a 5'2" Japanese dude pretending to be you while you still get paid. Plus, there would be many episodes that entail lots of fighting and all I would have to hear is your dubbed voice over the Japanese dude pretending to know martial arts. I can live with that.

Justin, I'm just looking out for your best interests, buddy. We don't need another psycho-crazy kid former pop star out there creating mayhem in the world and you don't need your image tarnished because all the girls think you're smoking hot even if you have Remington Steele-style helmet hair.