Kringle Arrest No Miracle On 34th Street Say Police

Kris Kringle moments before his apprehension by the NYPD

New York, NY – Police took Kris Kringle into custody outside Vixen’s bar on 34^th Street this morning. The arrest came after a significant 24 hour search for the infamous “Santa Clause” impersonator for Macy’s Department Store. Kringle had previously escaped the Manhattan Civil Courthouse during the chaos following Judge Henry X. Harper’s order of commitment to Bellevue Mental Hospital for Kringle.

The commitment order came after a highly publicized three day hearing on the mental health and stability of Kringle; who had taken the lead Santa role at the main Macy’s store in

Lenox Square

a few days after the annual Thanksgiving’s Day Parade. Kringle had attracted a great deal of attention because his giving and gentle nature created an aura among shoppers and led to much speculation he could be the “Real Santa”

Then came a very public brawl with the head of Macy’s security, psychiatrist Granville Sawyer. While Kringle had previously passed a pre-employment status exam the attention he received as Santa from shoppers and media also created an alleged backlash and rumors among other employees. Kringle accused Sawyer of generating these rumors of a breakdown. The two had an altercation and Kringle hit Sawyer over the head with his cane. Due to his insistence that he is the true “Santa Clause” Kringle was taken to Bellevue, rather than jail, at that time to be examined and to wait for a hearing on his competency.

At the hearing Macy’s event director Doris Walker testified that she had hired Kringle quickly after the actor portraying Santa during the parade was found drunk and Kringle looked and behaved so much like the legendary figure he seemed to be a perfect match for the job in her time of need.

“But he seemed to be too much into the role,” Walker said in testimony. “It began to make me uncomfortable, and then he became focused and enthralled with my daughter Susan and I had to do something, a man his age should not be stalking a six year old.”

Kringle’s lawyer, Fred Gailey, used a very unusual defense when attempting to persuade Judge Harper that Kringle was in fact Santa Clause. In a very theatric moment Gailey had 50,000 pieces of mail, from the post office’s dead letter office, addressed to Santa Clause delivered to the courtroom. Judge Harper was not amused by this tactic and charged Gailey with contempt and has in fact begun proceedings’ to get Gailey disbarred.

In another strange move Gailey called District Attorney Thomas Mara’s own son to the stand. This outraged Mara, who was arguing for the commitment order, due to both the boy’s age, their relationship and because he was not on the witness list.

“I have no idea where Gailey got the idea for these ridiculous maneuvers,” Mara said in a post hearing press conference.  “He has seen far too many movies and television shows because any lawyer knows this behavior isn’t sanctioned in a real courtroom.”

Following Kringle's capture this morning Macy COO R.H. Macy released a statement saying that he hoped that Kringle could now get the treatment he needed and that the Macy’s company would pay for him to placed in a private hospital if necessary, Macy’s also contributed $500,000 worth of toys to the national Toys For Tots drive hours after the conclusion of the hearing.

“We don’t want this sad episode to darken anyone’s Christmas or change the message of the holiday,” said Macy.

Creepy Woman Stalks Children With Christmas Gifts

SAN ANTONIO - Mary Miller has always had a kind heart. She has always sacrificed her own needs for the needs of others. From volunteering at the local homeless shelter to rescuing stray cats from the city's gutters, many have called Mary a hero over the years.

This year, however, city residents believe she has gone a little too far. "This woman sat outside my son's school all day and when she finally saw him, she enticed him to come over to her car because she had a present for him," says LaTisha Smith, one of Mary's targets. "Thank God I happened to be there to pick him up. Lord knows what she would have done to him had she gotten him in the car."

Laura Berry tells a similar story. "One morning a car pulled up outside our house. We didn't think anything of it at first, but it stayed there all morning and the woman inside the car never got out. When we went to the grocery store with our daughter, this woman began following us. At a red light she stopped, ran out of her car, and tried to force her way into our car with what looked like a wrapped gift." Laura pauses a moment to catch her breath. "I thought she was some kind of terrorist trying to kill us or something. I've never been that scared in my life."

Man Gives Up on Christmas This Year

Grand Junction, IA - Joel Smithers has lived in this small country Iowa town at the corner of Highways 30 and 144 for his entire life. The town has always gotten into the Christmas spirit every year, decorating a majority of the homes in dazzling displays of light and grandeur.

This year was different. "My heart just wasn't in it this time around," said Smithers. "My heart is heavy because the Vikings are in third place, out of the playoffs, and I just want the year to be over."

According to his neighbors, Smithers really did give a legitimate effort in attempting to get into the spirit. "I saw him spend a good 3 hours attempting to put up his Christmas lights this year and you could see it just wasn't clicking for him," said Mary Thompson, his neighbor to the left. "I felt sorry for him and wanted to help, but figured I needed to get my own display up and going first."

Kurt Mason, his neighbor to the right, agrees with Thompson's assessment. "I think his mistake was putting up the lights when the Vikings were playing on Monday. You could see his progress get slower and slower as the game got further and further along." Mason shakes his head sadly. "You have to feel for the guy."

The Grand Junction City Council has passed an ordinance requiring Smithers to finish his Christmas display. Smithers just shrugs half-heartedly. "If they want it to look nice, then they can come down here and finish it. I think it looks just fine the way it is this year."

Jared: "I Sell Subway, Not Jewels, You Fools!"

MIAMI - Jared Fogle has had enough.

"You know those commercials where some douchebag gives in and goes to Jared to get his girl some jewelry because he can't remember to spend $5 and get her flowers at Walmart... THAT'S NOT ME!"

Apparently millions of men over the last two years have stalked Jared in an attempt to get the advertised jewelry. "I sell sandwiches, you fools!" Jared yells at a small group of men that have gathered close to him and started whispering. "You know, I used to find all this attention flattering. In fact, there were so many men following me at one point that I thought I might be gay... briefly. That is, until I saw that horrible commercial."

So what does Jared plan to do about this? This question causes Jared to sigh heavily. "I'm thinking about carrying around a sandwich board that tells people to leave me alone. But if you or any of your readers have any good ideas, I'm open to try just about anything."

Santa Rejects NRA's Christmas List

The NRA requested 1 million MX25's for hunting purposes.
"We just want the best tech available to provide for
our families," said Wayne LaPierre.

NORTH POLE - The National Rifle Association [NRA] was stunned today to find out that Santa has rejected their Christmas list for the 2010 season - even though they did not make the naughty list.

"I felt like I had no choice," Santa Claus said today. "I just could not justify sending out 1 million MX25 units."

The MX25 is said to be a gamechanger when it comes to modern warfare. It is a shoulder-fired weapon that uses microchipped ammunition to target and kill the enemy, even when the enemy is hidden behind walls or other cover. "They told me that they were planning on using this weapon to go on hunting trips," said Claus. "I usually don't give much thought as to why people request the things they do - after all, I've got 7 billion letters to read in a 6 week span - but in this instance, it just seemed like too much."

Wayne LaPierre, Executive VP of the NRA, is quite upset by the news. "Just because it fires 25mm air-bursting shells up to 2,300 feet and programs them to explode at a precise distance doesn't mean that we are going to do anything nefarious with the weapon. Ducks hide behind walls and we like to shoot ducks. Plain and simple."

Santa believes there is more to it than that, however. After all, the MX25 includes an array of sights, sensors, and lasers that read the distance to the target, is able to gauge elements such as air pressure, temperature, and ballistics, and then sends all of this data to the microchip embedded in the XM25 shell before it is even launched. "Have you ever seen what happens when you should a duck with a grenade?" said Santa incredulously. "You certainly don't have much duck left. I don't buy it for one second."

LaPierre plans to appeal the decision. "I know it's not a court system, but there's got to be someone who monitors Santa's decisions. I want to speak to that guy."

Local Man Pins Relationship Hopes On Diamonds This Christmas

CHICAGO, IL – Like a great many people in the world Kevin Vanderpolk is praying for a miracle this Christmas. “I’ve been a pretty naughty boy this year,” said Vanderpolk. “I’ve been sneaking around on my woman and pretty much living off her since I lost my job as a census taker, but I think I’ve got it figured out.”

Vanderpolk has been watching the TV quite a bit during his layoff and has taken inspiration from both the Jared and DaBeers commercials.

“I love Tanya (Myers), I just have some issues with other ladies looking so good, and Tanya works a lot, but I’m pretty sure the diamond earrings and bracelet I bought will make everything right, at least that’s what I’m led to believe, ladies love the stones more than anything.”

Myers best friend Kayla Sutton hopes that Vanderpolk actually is hit by a bus, and feels his suicide would be a much better gift. “Oh, ‘He went to Jared’, what a bastard,” she exclaimed. “I wish I could show Tanya what a jerk he is, that would be a perfect Christmas gift.”

Sutton explained that she has always felt a little uncomfortable around Vanderpolk but it was when he came on to her hot and heavy at the couple's Fourth of July party she decided she hated him. “I had to slap him twice before he stopped grabbing my ass,” she explained.

Vanderpolk doesn’t care for Sutton either, “Stuck up bitch thinks her ass is to good for my touch, don’t need her, I wish Tanya would tell her to walk off the pier.”

Vanderpolk explained that he had some trouble coming up with the funds for the jewelry so he had to look at alternatives to subsidize his gift giving and finally decided he could get away with selling his mother’s vinyl record collection. “Mom really didn’t own them, they were my dad’s and he died in ’98, plus my mom never listens to them, kept them in storage, so I don’t think she’ll miss them.” 

Included in the collection were unwrapped copies of the Beatles' “White Album” and the Rolling Stones' “Exile on Mainstreet” which Vanderpolk says raised him all he needed and a little more.”

“I was able to get the jewels for Tanya and some bud for our New Year’s party so it’s all good,” said Vanderpolk. “Gonna be a great holiday, and a tribute to the unfailing strength of love.”

Arizona Governor Denies Permit For Nine Tiny Reindeer

PHOENIX, AZ – With an official announcement this morning Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has once again become a flashpoint of national controversy.

Governor Brewer has officially blocked Santa Claus from flying in Arizona’s airspace and bringing a non native mammal species into the state.

 “As I have previously stated, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ and the involvement of a jolly fat man does not reflect that, moreover I have concerns with allowing a man who does not have any known documentation to visit thousands of households bringing unspecific gifts or what these “reindeer’ may also be carrying,” said Brewer as she read from a prepared statement.

Asked what type of documentation would suffice, Brewer responded that as an apparent head of state or at least world wide business mogul Mr. Claus should have some form of diplomatic papers; however he has never seen fit to provide any authenticated I.D.

Admitting that this decision could lead to more media speculation and even outrage from long time supporters Brewer said she could deal with it.

“To be honest, when have I not been the target of everything from wiseacre remarks to having the President challenge me in both the media and in court,” she said. “While this is probably a very unpopular decision in the short term I have to think about the long term health of Arizona.”

The governor added that routine veterinary requirements and inspections of exotic animals is extremely important, as it protect the health of animals in the state and help prevent the introduction of exotic diseases.

“I acknowledge that the reindeer will be moving very quickly and there is no intention for them to intermingle with any livestock in our state,” said Brewer. “In fact, they will not even touch the ground, but will only prance and paw on rooftops. But this is my concern all flying objects have the potential to crash and we have to consider what might occur if the flying reindeer crash and them intermix”

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a long time advocate for stricter boarder security, voiced strong support of the decision. “I believe this is wise,” said Arpaio. “This Claus character seems to hang around with little children a lot. A little too much for an old man, if you ask me. I'd bet he doesn't even have a driver's license, let alone a commercial pilot's license.”

However, many others in Arizona were immediately upset and looking for a way to intercede and reverse the governor’s order. “I now have to tell my three year old daughter that Santa didn't come this year because Santa couldn't get a landing permit, what nonsense,” exclaimed state senator Brian Miggs. “I admit we have to work to secure the borders and protect people but this, this is over the top.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs suggested that the governor may have overstepped her duties again, “NASA, NORAD, and the FAA track Santa every year. If there were serious concerns about the public safety whether from into our air space, interaction with children to the livestock issue there would be steps taken,” Gibbs said. “Admittedly the United States hasn’t recognized Santa has a head of state but in 234 years that has never been necessary. Frankly, I don't think Santa gives a rat's ass about landing clearances, Arizona needs to lighten up.”

Edward Reveals He Is HIV Positive From Unprotected Sucking

FORKS, WA - This small town that sits just 20 minutes from the Pacific Ocean, a place where everyone knows everything about everybody, was stunned by Edward Cullen's revelation last night in a conversation with a gas station clerk that doctor's have confirmed he is HIV positive.

"I was feeling lonely and paranoid because Bella was out with Jacob one night, so I ran out to Port Angeles and met some broads so I could feel a little bit better," Cullen said. "It was a tragic, tragic mistake to not get something on the fangs and for that I am truly sorry."

Bella plans to get herself tested even though Edward converted her before this revelation. "Once a cheater, always a cheater," Bella tells us. "When he left Forks with his family, he could have easily been sucking on some tramp's neck or who knows what else and picked up the disease there. For the sake of my daughter and my family I need to know."

Jasper Hale, however, has come to Cullen's defense. "Bella is a newborn vampire, so she doesn't quite understand the powerful lusting and hunger that comes from the smell of forbidden blood. Edward spent so much time resisting Bella that he had to have an outlet somewhere and let's all be honest here - sucking on a cow is just not the same as sucking on a human."