After 45 Years, Man Can Finally Eat Wife's Cooking

SEASIDE, OR - Jim Morris was infatuated with the woman who would become his wife the instant he saw her for the first time. "She was out there on the beach chasing waves, frolicking around like a little girl, and I told myself 'Jim, you better get your sorry bod down there and meet her,'" he recalls fondly. "It was definitely love at first sight."

This causes Mabel, Jim's wife, to laugh. "This creepy guy came running down the beach at me and I didn't know whether to run away and scream or stand my ground and kick him in the groin." This causes Jim to smile. Mabel nudges him with an elbow. "It's a good thing you stopped short and asked me my name, you old fart."

Love is truly in the air when one speaks with the Morris family. However, it has not always been an easy road. "I love my wife dearly, but I don't love her cooking," Jim says. "Imagine the worst food you've ever had at a Chinese restaurant, add some Taco Bell to it, and then mix in about a quart of salt and bake it at 450 for 90 minutes and you can begin to imagine what I've had to live with for the last 45 years."

Mabel gives him a sharp look, but then flashes a sheepish smile. "Yeah, I don't cook well. I've tried different cookbooks and I've tried watching different television shows..."

"And I even shelled out $2,000 for cooking classes in Astoria," interjects Jim.

"...and I still just tend to ruin food," continues Mabel. "It's a good thing Jim here knows a thing or two about steaming crab and grilling beef."

Things changed last month. "I had a really bad accident out on the beach," Jim recounts. "I was out enjoying the morning, collecting driftwood for my art projects, when I stepped down on my foot funny and managed to face-plant right there into the sand." Jim shakes his head. "The next thing I know, my mouth is on fire."

Jim had managed to plant his face directly into a large man-o-war that had just washed up on shore. Thanks to the quick thinking of a passerby who was able to urinate into Jim's mouth and neutralize the poison, Jim is still able to have a normal life - and a closer relationship. "Now that I can't taste anything, I think my wife's cooking is pretty darn good," Jim says. "It's got some crunch to it and the textures are something else. It's just too bad that the last thing I'll ever taste is a stranger's piss."

Mabel pats his hand lovingly. "It's better than the last taste being my cooking, dear."

End of Year Lists Cause Maryland Man's Death

ELLICOTT CITY - Residents in this affluent area are grieving the loss of one of their own this morning as a passerby discovered the body of Kurt Gibson floating in an unusual position in a neighbor's pond. Foul play is not suspected.

"We believe that he drowned himself because of an overdose of Best of 2010 lists," a local officer told us on the condition of anonymity. "The poor bastard had a bad case of insomnia, stayed up all night, and was exposed to more lists than any man should ever have to see or hear."

A casual look at the programming available last night indicates that Gibson could have only been watching VH1, MTV, and the local news programming. Producers at VH1 were quick to defend their programming. "We have been doing list-orientated shows for a number of years and we do them throughout the year every year," we were told in a written statement. "The idea that watching a number of list-orientated shows on our station for one night can cause a man to kill himself is simply preposterous."

Ask the Vicar: Dating Tips For The New Year

Pastor Kneally Knowlen

Dear Vicar Knowlen, I'm a very lonely man and I'd like to get married but I don't know where to meet a nice young lady, could you give me some advice? Thanks, Be Needin A Woman Bad --

Dear Needin, This is a common question and I thank you for the opportunity to share some wisdom.

Earlier this week, a juror in a Louisiana murder trial was chastised by the judge for passing a note to the baliff asking him for a date. After being alerted to the note, the judge told the juror he was a "'romantic at heart," but not in the courtroom, and said sending the note was a "g------ dumb thing to do."

Obviously, I disagree with the judge's language and taking the Lord's name in vain, however I also feel he was wrong about this there are appropriate places for flirting and while it might seem odd I believe a murder trial is one of them. Frankly when you see a chance, I advise you take it.

Here are 5 more great places to play a game of "pick-up."

1. A funeral

Now some people might say this is tacky, those people are wrong. A funeral is a very good place because you have a very good idea instantly how a potential mate handles grief and feels about humor, if you make a decent joke and they laugh at it, well then you have an instant connection.

2. A job interview

This can be a great opportunity for both a profesional and personal change. Yes anxiety is part of the process, but look at it this way you have a chance to get both the interview and first date jitters out of the way.

3. In the underwear section of a department store

Honesty and authenticity are very important in a relationship, you don't want the first time you're intimate with someone to be akward because of a push-up bra, a girdle or curve enhancers or, well I'll just say it a "package" booster. If you are fortunate enough to make a love connection in this department that will never happen

4. In line for the bathroom

Look, I realize no one feels sexy with a full bladder. However if you catch her on the way out when she's had a chance to relieve herself and apply a little lip gloss she'll be feeling more attractive and powerful and do you really want that, so strike when the time is right before she gets a chance to feel better.

5. On a date with someone else

Look, your date is a bust and you both know it, then it's time to move forward, you're not a jerk or insensitive if you make a move on someone else. You're just someone who has confidence and is forward looking which is always attractive.

Psychic Insists There Is Still Time For 2010 Predictions To Come True

The Oracle Guinevere Serendipity

SEDONA, AZ – The Oracle Guinevere Serendipity is repudiating claims that none of her 2010 predictions have come true and warns that an alien attack is coming very soon!

Serendipity, a home health personal care provider in her alternate employment, insists the year isn’t over and there is still time for all to be revealed.

“I did not put a defined calendar time on every prediction,” said Serendipity. “I admit that my visions were cloudy regarding the prediction that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would reveal his true cyborg nature while placing California under martial law.”

Her current message is that while President Barrack Obama is vacationing in Hawaii, he and all of his staff will be killed by a tsunami.

“We are in great danger because he, the President, is actually a Rigelian and if the good aliens, from Betelgeuse, do not intervene it will be catastrophic; fortunately they will, and they will be ones doing the killing with the tsunami.”

Serendipity doesn’t like Obama, and would prefer it if he surrendered himself to one of his FEMA death camps.

“Some details are unclear,” said Serendipity. “Very certain, but unclear.”

Serendipity added that there’s plenty of time for the state governments of Wisconsin and Maine to declare war on each other, for the dollar to be replaced by fossilized Stromatolites, for the gold bubble to burst and a volcano to erupt under the Dallas Cowboy’s stadium.

“It is unfair to base my ability on a few missed predictions,” she explained. “Sometimes I may have had too many jalapeño poppers for dinner and it can cause interference in what Madame Blavatsky is sending me.”

Serendipity says she has a whole host of wonderful, doom-foretelling prophecies that are maybe worth buying on DVD if you care about the future of this planet regardless of what the Amazing Randi, Penn & Teller or any other skeptic might hint at. She’s also doing the home health thing in the Sedona area (most daughters of all-powerful witches and gods live in or around Sedona); in case you need anything like that.

Griswold Lighting Believed To Be Cause of Clause Crash

Scene of sleigh crash in Hickory Hills Christmas Morning.

CHICAGO, IL – Santa Clause, AKA Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas and Father Christmas, was released from Mercy Hospital this morning after spending 48 hours in guarded condition following a near catastrophic crash early Christmas morning in the Hickory Hills area.

According to NTSB reports Clause was coming in for a landing when he and his nine tiny reindeer were apparently blinded by the intense seasonal lighting on the home owned by Clark and Ellen Griswold.

“Clause says that he was struck blind by the intense light radiating from the Griswold’s house,” said investigator Padame Piyra. “The black box recording and the radar tracking at O’Hare show that Clause had cut out of a cloud bank coming in off the lake,so it appears that to some extent the Griswolds are at fault for disrupting normal flight patterns.”

Clause’s injuries from the crash include a broken leg and hip and damaged ear drum as well as numerous abrasions and bruising. Reindeer Vixen, Prancer and Blitzen are also recovering from injuries at the Lincoln Park Zoo medical center

Clause refused to speak to the press and directed all questions to Elfin Watch Leader Almyra.

“First thing Monday morning a civil suit will be filed in superior court against the Griswolds,” said Almyra following Clause’s release. “Approximately one third of our clients went unserved this Christmas following this terrible incident. Mr. and Mrs. Clause feel it is important to hold to their beliefs regarding personal responsibility and naughty and nice guidelines, the Griswold have to be held accountable.”

“We're all in this together,” said Clark Griswold when asked about the suit. “This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna continue to have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”

“I don't know what to say, except its Christmas and we're all in misery,” added Ellen Griswold.