Formerly Skinny Man Sues Christmas For Severe Weight Gain

Marvin Pachenko gained 125 pounds this
holiday season and is determined to make
someone... anyone... maybe even the dog
pay for the unexpected weight gain.

ELY, NV - In a small town out in the middle of nowhere in the state where pretty much everything is legal or cheap enough that the average Joe can grease a few palms with a couple bucks comes news today that local resident Marvin Pachenko has filed a motion with the White Pine County district court to sue the Christmas holiday for $10 million. "I had no plans to gain so much weight over this holiday season," Pachenko says in the filing. "If the Christmas holiday did not exist, then there would be no need for me to go see all of my relatives or eat a Christmas dinner at each siblings home. That's why it is the holiday's fault that I am now fat."

Just after Thanksgiving, Pachenko weight a nice, average 175. Today he tops 300. "It's a shame that the holiday has treated me so terribly," Pachenko told us exclusively. "I know I shouldn't say much with an open case and all, but everyone needs to know that the reputation of helping people during the holiday is just a sham. I'm living proof of that."

Local attorney Barry "The Smasher" Tompkins is representing Pachenko and is just as unhappy as his client regarding the circumstances of the unfortunate weight gain. "Too many people have suffered in silence for far too long," Tompkins told us via e-mail. "Gaining a few pounds here and there might be considered normal, but not 125 pounds. Obesity is a terrible thing to inflict on a person and I guarantee that I will make Christmas pay for what it has done to my client in one way or another."

Judicial officials are unsure of how to handle the lawsuit. "It's not like I can subpoena Santa Claus to come represent the Christmas holiday in this lawsuit," said White Pine County Clerk Jane Preston. "And it's not like Christmas as a bank account at the local Wells Fargo or anything." She sighed. "If you ask me, this is just another classic example of a frivolous lawsuit by a desperate and lonely fat white guy."

Pachenko begs to differ. "Have you seen how much money Christmas gets every year?" he asks incredulously. "It's 11 figures! 11 FIGURES! I deserve a piece of that for my pain and suffering."

The initial hearing for the case is set for January 14th.