US Seizes Poker Sites In Retribution For a Terrible Bad Beat

These very cards may very well spell the end of
online gaming in the United States. 

MANHATTAN, NY - Prosecutors today seized the assets, accounts, and websites of 3 major online poker companies in what many people are calling a shocking action. Poker Stars, Full Tilt Poker, and Absolute Poker  were all charged with violating Federal anti-Internet gambling laws and are now facing a civil lawsuit to recover approximately $3 billion.

Joel Stevens of Full Tilt Poker says this is all just a big crock. "What they aren't telling you is that we all had our weekly poker game on Monday and this week the Feds lost their shirt."

Montgomery Mason of Poker Stars just laughed at the news. "I figured something was going to happen when Stevens called a million dollar raise with a 7-2 offsuit and the flop came 7-7-2."

"If you ask me, I'm royally pissed!" exclaimed Greg Sandy of Absolute Poker. "How many times did I get sucked out on in this game and not do anything? I've lost tens of millions playing this high stakes game with the sites and the government and now not only have I lost my money, the government says I can't run my business any more AND they want to take the rest of my money?" He snorts. "They can all-in themselves to hell."

Duane Brians, the Undersecretary to the Undersecretary of the Department of the Interior, says you couldn't find a more black and white case. "I don't know anything about any so-called weekly poker game. What I do know is that these three organizations have been skirting legality for several years now and it is finally time for them to pay the house. $3 billion should do quite nicely."

So what is the government planning on doing with the $3 billion should they win this civil case? "Last I saw, the funds were earmarked to fund the upcoming invasion of Iran so that we can start competing with OPEC over oil resources," said Brians, "but you didn't hear that from me."

Stevens says he plans on grinding this out just like he grinds out hands sitting on a short stack. "The government is going to find out what it means to leave a guy with a chip and a chair," he said. "They might think they've got the stone cold nuts here, but it ain't over until it's over."

Mason agrees. "We all know that this is simply a case of vengeance. The Feds are on tilt right now and that's ok - we just have to come together as a group and take advantage of that. Just you wait - give us maybe a year and we'll all be bigger, stronger, and sticking it to the man yet again."