Suicide Warnings Required At Gas Pumps in Chicago

CHICAGO, IL - With the average price for a gallon of gasoline reaching near $4.50 in the greater Chicagoland area, gas station owners are scrambling to become compliant to a new city ordinance requiring the sticker seen with this article after a Michigan couple was found dead in their car outside a Naperville, IL gas station thanks to ingesting gasoline.

"I never thought I'd have to put up a warning sticker like this," said gas station owner Louis Phillips of Bridgeview. "I know that high gas prices affect people's lives, but now we're getting to the point where they don't know what to do any more. It's sad."

The city of Chicago mandated the sticker be placed at every station located in Chicago proper or any of it's official suburbs. Greg Williams, 32, who lives on Michigan Avenue thinks this is just another waste of money. "If you're dumb enough to kill yourself over the price of gasoline, then you deserve to die. Stop using my tax money to fund ridiculous programs like these!"

Phillips thinks it's a good idea, especially since prices are falling nationwide on average, but not in Chicago. He thinks that is the main part of the problem. "People here in Chicago see that people's lives are improving across the country, but then they see that their prices have gone up and it's like they lose that last little bit of hope," said Phillips. "I feel sorry for the poor bastards."

If this initiative is successful in Chicago, several other cities with high gas prices, including Honolulu, Anchorage, and Pismo Beach are expected to follow Chicago's lead. "The goal is to save lives," Phillips tells us. "You might disagree with the process, but you can't disagree with the fact that every life is important."

Williams begs to differ. "Let all the idiots die!"