Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Greeks Still Holding Out For a Zeus Intervention
Socialist Deputy Alexandros Athanassiadis, who originally was not going to vote for the austerity bill, changed his mind last second. "As much as I'd like to say that our gods are going to step in and fix the problems as they did for our ancestors, my faith in their solution cannot put my countrymen at risk," said Athanassiadis. "We need these euros in our bank accounts fast. We don't want to become the European Dodgers, you know."
The austerity bill is quite unpopular because over the next 5 years it will raise taxes and cut spending to account for €28 billion. "We've got to do something while we wait for Zeus and the gods at the Temple Mount," said Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos. "People need to be stable in their daily lives and we need to get tourists our here enjoying our beaches and eating our gyros."
"I think we all know that it is an unreasonable expectation to have euros just fall from the sky," said Pari Pantatopolous, who is a guy we found on the street looking at pigeons and the only guy who could reasonably understand English. "That doesn't mean it won't happen, but we shouldn't expect it to happen. However the Father wants to help us out of this situation, I have full confidence that it will be the best solution."
George Provopoulos, Greece's central bank manager, has a different take. "It is true that not putting the austerity bill through would potentially bring about the collapse of our great nation. On the other hand, it would also force that elite bunch of pompous idiots watching us from Mount Olympus to actually do something instead of standing idly by."
Riots broke out in the city after the vote, but were quickly quelled as the rioters could only find pita bread to throw at officers. One man attempted to tip over a horse and was hospitalized in serious condition with a hoof print in the middle of his forehead. Police decided to throw tear gas anyway because they don't get much else to do in this normally quiet nation.
"Not passing this bill would be a crime of irresponsibility," said Venizelos. "Zeus will come through - of this I have no doubt. We just need to shore up our end of things until that day happens."
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