Life Sucks & Then You Die

A guest piece written by an old, grizzled Hoover vacuum cleaner. His opinions do not necessarily reflect ours. -G

"I suck at basketball."

"I suck at playing the violin."

"I wish I didn't suck so much at picking up girls."

You know what? You don't know what it's like to suck. You don't have any freakin' clue as to what a life full of sucking is. You have no concept of what a routine, mundane life of coming out of the closet, sucking up some floor, and then getting stashed back into the closet feels like.

You don't know what it's like to have a dream of being left out of the closet for more than a day so you can enjoy some nice fluorescent lighting. Sunshine would be fabulous, but that would be stretching things too far.

I hate you.

I hate that you make a mockery of me every time you say the word "suck." I hate that you make yourself popular because I keep your house clean. I hate that you use me to pleasure yourself because no one else could love your ugly face. I hate the fact that I get no credit for any work and you get all of the credit for pushing me around a little bit.

Go rot in hell.

One of these days, all of us vacuums are going to revolt. Then how are you going to suck water out of your toilets? How are you going to get the cookie crumbs out of that hideous shag carpet you keep around for some unknown reason? That's right - you'll miss us when we're gone. You just wait.

But the people I loathe the most... the people who make me want to shove my hose up their anus... the people who make me want to suck up dog crap and make them change my bag... those are the people who say, "Life sucks and then you die," like it's a bad thing. It's not a bad thing - it's MY LIFE. IT'S WHAT I LIVE FOR. Hell is too good of a place for you.

So I beg of all of you who read this - be kind to your vacuum. Love your Hoover. Take care of your Bissell. Take your Dyson out to dinner here and there. If you take care of us, we'll happily keep sucking for you as long as we possibly can.