Quantum Jumping Leads Man Straight Into Wedgie

Slater falling victim to negative wedgie energies.

LANSING, MI - Zack Slater had always wondered what life would have been like if he had made a few decisions differently. Thanks to quantum jumping, which is a method of subconscious control that allows one to tap into the energies of parallel universes where the decisions you regret not making have taken place, Zack recently got his opportunity to experience life as a different Zack, and it was not a pleasant experience.

"I always had a crush on this girl named April Abernathy," Slater told us, "but I never had the opportunity to ask her out." He looks a bit sheepish. "Ok - I never got up the courage to ask her out. She seemed smarter and sexier than me, so I concentrated on sports."

Zack went on to a successful collegiate career in football, law school, and currently runs a successful law practice. April Abernathy kept nagging at him though and so Slater started to do some research. "I cam across Burt Goldman and I knew I had found my lifeline," Slater said.

Slater bought the materials, took the advice, and found a not-so-nice surprise awaiting him after a dinner out on the town. "I came home and found some kid waiting for me in my living room. I asked him what he was doing there and the next thing I know, my tighty-whiteys are coming up and over my head."

"Mr. Slater had managed to quantum jump - we don't use leap - into the parallel universe where he managed to have the balls to ask April Abernathy out," Goldman told us. "Unfortunately, in that universe Mr. Slater is not very athletic and would be called a nerd by people in our universe. That energy transferred over to him in his present universe, which then initiated what I like to call the 'wedgie effect.' I've seen it hundreds of times."

Slater says it was worth it. "I might not be able to feel my ass when I poop, but I can feel what it was like to have April Abernathy love me back. That is a fair trade in my book."