|There is no truth to the rumor that Apple would prefer|
the younger Steve Jobs over the older one.
"This is the application to beat all applications," said Cook to the assembled crowd. "It is safe to say that nothing ever has or ever will compare to what I'm about to show you."
Cook is referring to the new application called iGhost that will be going live to beta testers on Monday. "Without going into the specific details, iGhost taps into the spiritual realm and puts specified paranormal energy into coherent, audible speech. Basically you will be able to talk with any person who has ever lived on this planet and they will be able to talk with you."
Cook says that it may sound too good to be true, but it's not. "You will be able to speak with loved ones, with great historical figures, with the greatest villains of all time, or just some hobo named Joe if you really want to. There will be no more regrets, no more pain, and no more tears. iGhost may not be able to defeat physical death, but we can make an end run around it."
What spurred the development of iGhost? "We here at Apple recognized that Steve Jobs was not going to be around forever. The man had cancer, had organ transplants, and was basically the sickest person I've ever met. For Apple to survive, we needed Steve Jobs to survive." Cook smiled. "Hence the development of iGhost."
"That's why I'm also pleased to announce that I'll be stepping down as CEO of Apple," continued Cook, "in order for Steve Jobs to take his rightful place via iGhost to run his company once more."
Public reaction was immediate. Though Apple's stocks fell 1% on the news of Jobs' death, it is currently trading 5% higher in early trading this morning. Assuming a successful beta test of iGhost goes well, investor confidence in Apple is expected to increase exponentially with the thought that Steve Jobs could run Apple for basically forever.
Religious leaders worldwide all called the iGhost application a very elaborate scam. Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, called the application the most dangerous thing ever invented. "This is just man's latest attempt to replace God with himself. It's not going to work. I guarantee it."
Cook begs to differ. "It's a new dawn in the era of humanity," concluded Cook, "because you no longer need to fear death as long as your family owns Apple products.