McRib Return Causes 92% Sick Out At Business With Crappy Cafeteria

The McRib is out today... did you call off sick too?

LEXINGTON, KY - Keith Miller has always liked working for Sharetech Industries. He's got flexible hours, a corner office with a decent view, and just enough work to keep him busy but not enough work to feel like he's overwhelmed.

You'd think it was the perfect job, but Miller tells us that one thing has always been missing. "It's no secret that I'm likely the worst cook in the United States," Miller admits to us. "I burn instant popcorn. I've blown up three microwaves. I once tried to boil a brat and ended up burning down my apartment building."

Needless to say, Miller doesn't bring lunch in with him. "I always buy my lunch, but since Sharetech is in the middle of nowhere, I can't go out to eat. I have to eat here at the cafeteria."

Sounds like a reasonable proposition, but Miller tells us the cafeteria food at Sharetech is basically terrible. "Imagine if you combined an airline meal entree with a hospital food appetizer and made that into an Army MRE [meal ready to eat]," said Miller. "Then you come close to imagining what I am forced to eat at my desk every day."

With the McRib returning to McDonald's today, Miller tells us he's just called off for the day. "I wanted a decent lunch for a change," Miller admits. "It's not like I don't have 16 sick days built up."

Miller wasn't the only one at Sharetech to call off sick this Monday, however. CEO Harold Livingston IV tells us that 92% of his workforce called off today. "We're pretty much running a skeleton crew today and I suspect will be tomorrow as well thanks to the sticky sweet goodness of that damn McDonald's sandwich," he told us, a hint of anger in his voice. "The worst part is I've got this business deal with Japan that I have to close today and I can't go get one."

We attempted to speak with the cafeteria workers, but they only spoke Portuguese.

Miller says he won't call off two days in a row. "I just needed a respite from that crappy cafeteria," said Miller. "I'll be more productive tomorrow. As for today, my goal is to eat at least 10 sandwiches."