US Government Recommends Almost Everyone Be Named Daniel

Biblical Daniel survived the lion's den. Other
Daniel's have also survived great tragedies.
Could they all be connected somehow?

ORIGINALLY IN SOME CRUDDY PLACE IN NEW JERSEY, N.J. - Daniel the Beagle is one lucky, lucky fellow.

You see, Daniel the Beagle was a stray in Alabama, and being a stray dog in that state leads to the death penalty. So he and several other dogs, found guilty of being stray, were sentenced to death and put into the gas chamber. However, 17 minutes later, attendants opened up the gas chamber to find Daniel the Beagle standing there, wagging his tail.

Under Alabama law, once the actions of the death penalty have been performed and one survives, then they are set free. Daniel the Beagle moved to live with a family in New Jersey.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney tells us that they've looked into this case further and discovered something that will change the world forever. "After taking a look at the circumstances of Daniel the Beagle, we decided to spend a couple million dollars and study what has happened to other people named Daniel throughout history, beginning with the Biblical Daniel, who survived being cast into the lion's den."

"You can look at American history and see Daniel Boone, who survived hardships to explore the American frontier," continued Carney. "You can see Daniel Best, who pioneered many new mechanical components to the agricultural industry, almost losing his limbs several times during the experimentation phase of his inventions."

"And then outside of America," finished Carney, "you've got great men like Dr. Daniel Hale Williams who pioneered many new techniques in the field of medicine or Daniel Swarovski who pioneered many of the ways we look at jewelry."


What does this result mean? "We discovered the God seems to favor people who are named Daniel. Not Daniella, Dan, or other variations - just Daniel," said Carney. "Therefore, to get ourselves out of this terrible economy, to protect Americans in case of a nuclear war, and to make America great once again, we are officially recommending that every American without a felony conviction have their named changed to Daniel."

But there are several serial killers named Daniel - Daniel Blank, Daniel Camargo Barbossa, Daniel Ray Hawkins - doesn't that supersede the theory? Carney says no. "We also discovered that if someone in a family is named Wayne, then anybody who is named Daniel from that point on will actually not be profoundly good, but will, in fact, be profoundly evil. So if someone is named Wayne in your family, don't change your name or name your kid Daniel - you'll be inviting in the devil."

Margaret Miller, 67, of New York, NY, tells us that it's just another waste of time, effort, and money from the government. "Have you ever heard of anything so asinine?" she asked. "Everyone knows that the best women are named Margaret, not Daniel. Guess I won't be voting for Obama now."

Other public reaction was quite similar, so we did some searching on our own and dug up the story of Daniel Ekechukwu. Ekechukwu is a Nigerian pastor who was in a terrible accident which killed him. He was taken to the morgue, catalogued, and then the body was given to his family. As the family went to bury him, Ekechukwu suddenly sat up, healed of all his injuries. "I am a man of God," said Ekechukwu. "God loved me, a simple man named Daniel, to bring me back from the dead after 42 long hours. He doesn't do that for everyone, you know."

Nothing will happen if you choose not to follow the recommendation to change your name to Daniel and name your children Daniel. "Absolutely nothing will happen," reiterated Carney. "That's because those of us who are going to be changing our names will be passing you by on the road to success. You can choose to be a loser if you wish - we're choosing to be winners named Daniel."