Baby Shampoo Boycott Demanded; Chemicals May Cause Sensitive Chaffing

Don't masturbate with this today. You might get cancer.

TRENTON, NJ - The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics, which has been campaigning the previous 30 months to remove cancer-causing and potentially irritable and chaffing-causing chemicals from products which people routinely masturbate with, has confirmed that they have found these chemicals within Johnson & Johnson's baby shampoo.

"We are calling for a boycott starting November 15th of all baby shampoo products that remain on the shelves and for consumers to throw out any remaining products in their homes that contain these chemicals," said Lisa Archer, the director of the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics. "Johnson & Johnson can clearly make a safer baby shampoo product for every market around the world and they just aren't doing it."

"There is just no need to expose people to potential cancer-causing agents or undue irritation on their most sensitive of areas," Archer added in an online press release. "Everyone deserves a safer product, less irritation, and more pleasure."

Avery Cramer, 19, of Boston, MA, tells us that he has no intention of stopping his daily shower masturbation. "Now that I know my shampoo might give me cancer, there's a bit of danger having sex with myself now," Cramer told us with a smile. "It makes the whole experience that much more exciting! Plus now I know why the skin on my cock is so red and irritated, so I'm good."

Johnson & Johnson released a statement this morning which tells us that the chemicals within their products meet U.S. safety standards, but they intend to phase out the chemicals in question within the next few months and would be reformulating their shampoos to enhance the feeling of glide to increase customer satisfaction. It was unknown if Johnson & Johnson was going to completely attempt to meet the criteria set out from the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics to avoid a boycott, however.

Archer says it's a start. "Every little bit of safety helps," she told us. "It is important to protect our babies from these harsh chemicals and our men from penile cancer."