School Board Decison Is Al Dente Regarding Teacher's Beliefs

Creator we see and all that we feel according to 6th grade teacher Darwin Scopes

DAYTON, TN - On Friday Rhea County Board of Education voted 7-0 to terminate the employment of Darwin Scopes. A middle school science teacher Dayton City School, Scopes was accused of inappropriate religious activity in the classroom — including displaying posters with the WWFSMD demandments and pirate verses, branding FSM insignia on the arms of his students with a high-voltage electrical device, and teaching Pastafarianism. After a local family sued Scopes and the district in 2010, the board voted to begin proceedings to terminate his employment in the district. Finally, after administrative hearings, the mediator presiding over the hearings issued his recommendation that the board terminate Scopes’ employment with the district.

Charlize Jennings Bryan, the president of the board, told the Pummelo “The decision has been made to accept the referee’s recommendation to terminate the employment of Mr. Scopes ... It was not an easy decision. We don’t believe there are any winners or losers in this situation. It is a very difficult situation for everyone. We are glad it has been resolved. Hopefully we can put this behind us, the community can begin to come together again and relationships can heal and we can move forward.” Mediator Darrow Raulston added, “Mr. Scopes, by law, may file an appeal with the Rhea County Court.” Scopes expressed his disappointment in the board's decision but not indicating whether he would appeal.

“I am no different than our pirate forefathers, I have been persecuted so I will go to a strip bar and honor our Lord by drinking heavily, there is no point in fighting further FSM will provide all the manicotti I need.”

The mediators report on the board's decision emphasized the remarkable length and cost of the hearings — “among the most costly and lengthy that state auditors can recall,” said Raulston. “Allowing teachers on the verge of termination to have a hearing ‘protects teachers,’ and also discourages districts from keeping rogue teachers in their positions,” explained Raulston. “It's sad that Scopes couldn’t have just made some lasagna for the class and left it all well enough alone.”

Unlocked Car Door Foils Robbery

LOS ANGELES - Police are laughing heartily this evening in the City of Angels as an unlocked car door prevented a theft. "After receiving a 911 call about a robbery in progress, upon arrival it was discovered that the robber was baffled by the fact that he could not unlock the door, when in fact the car door was already unlocked," LAPD Public Information Officer Jane Reedy announced.

Larry Bevens is accused of attempted robbery, trespassing, and general stupidity - all Class D felonies. "I was just desperate for some Cheetos," Bevens told the press as he was being shoved into the back seat of a police car. "You can't blame a hungry white guy, can you?"

Apparently you can. Bond was set at $100,000 in his first appearance, and since Bevens has no job, no family, and smokes heavily, he has no money. Bevens isn't disappointed by his outlook, however. "Yeah, I'm thinking about selling my body in prison for cigarettes," he says casually. "I know smoking is bad for you and all, but cigarettes and Cheetos make me feel a little bit better about my life and to feel good about myself, I can put up with feeling bad here and there."

How can you argue with that logic?

Bully in Therapy For Making Fun of Own Self-Esteem

HELENA, MT - Masses of nerds cheered as local bully Scott Turner, in a fit induced by the fact that he forgot to take his medication for two consecutive days, checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic for the Bully-Minded Individual, mostly in part due to the fact that he started bullying himself on a constant basis.

Micah Manning, a nerd from the age of 5, lost his pocket protector from applauding so hard. "To see Scott finally get his due is like watching a proton beam successfully fire into space while watching some light porn. I hope he stays there for a long, long time - at least 7 days."

Greg Barry, who just recently discovered he was a nerd with a perfect SAT score, accidentally broke his glasses when he fell to the ground from crippling fits of laughter. "That dude never picked on me until he found out that I was smart, and then he was relentless. Shoving me into my locker in my birthday suit was probably the lowest part of my life to date." He smiles. "A broken pair of glasses is worth seeing Scott get taken away to the Funny Farm. I just wish I could have seen the look on his face when he started picking on himself."