Studies Show That Half of US Women Don't Give A Crap

The University of Portland found out that half of US
women just don't care any more. Are men next?

PORTLAND, OR - With studies published today showing that 1/4 of US women are college graduates and successfully pursuing career opportunities and 1/4 of US women having children fathered by different men, the University of Portland today released their own study that aligns with the previous two.

"We found in our research that 1 out of every 2 women in the United States are rather apathetic in regards to their existence," Father Mark Binion, Professor of Sociology, stated in today's press conference. "There were a number of reasons given for this apathy ranging from having a pleasant marriage with little stimulation to being unemployed and stuck at home to being the primary breadwinner of their family situation."

4 Year Old VeggieTales Fan Kills 24 At Pizza Hut Salad Bar

Larry is planning a tribute song to those lost in this
horrendous act.

BRANSON, MO – Authorities are still trying to cope with what caused four year old Trent Caulfield to rampage through a salad bar at Pizza Hut last night. Police responded to terrifying calls from the restaurant on State Highway 76 yesterday afternoon at 5. On arrival they found what appeared to be the remains of numerous cucumbers, tomatoes, and, peas spread across the salad bar and around the area between the salad bar and the serving area.

“At this time what we can confirm is that young Mr. Caulfield apparently became enraged when the peas refused to sing a song called ‘The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything’ and began smashing and slashing,” reported Branson Police Department Spokesman Tony Orlando Jr.

Westboro Baptist Church Hates Happiness, Not Homosexuals

TOPEKA, KS - For years now people have been upset with Westboro Baptist Church. From protesting military funerals to protesting at celebrity funerals to condemning people to hell based on what they say, a majority of people would say that being upset with Westboro would be putting it mildly.

Today in a shocking press conference, Rev. Fred Phelps has decided to come clean. "I do not hate homosexuality," he admitted solemnly. "When I said I hated gay people, I meant that I hated people who were living happy lives. It got taken out of context and I went with it because it gave me and my church and my family lots of attention and the opportunity to collect legal fees when our protests were disrupted."

"For continuing this trend for more than a decade, I am truly sorry."

Japanese Radiation Causes Worldwide Sushi Cravings

SEATTLE, WA - Scientists are puzzled by data linking the spread of low levels of radiation from the stricken Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan with a surge in the demand to eat sushi. "At first we thought it was because people were scared of the radiation and wanted to enjoy the fish before they couldn't have it any more," said Professor John P. Holdren, Chief Science Advisor to the Obama Administration. "Now that it's been almost 3 weeks since the disaster and consumption is still rising, we know something is going on."

The Discovery Institute in Seattle commissioned a week long study regarding this phenomena and came up with some incredible results. "We discovered that an increased desire to eat raw fish resulted from an increase in exposure to Japanese-based radiation," President Bruce Chapman announced late Thursday night with several tempura rolls in front of him. "Because of this finding, we believe the radiation may have some addictive properties and this is quite concerning to us."

Supreme Court Rules 5-4 in Favor of Public Paraphilia

WASHINGTON, DC - In a much anticipated ruling, the Supreme Court controversially ruled today 5-4 in favor of allowing public displays of paraphilia in all states, districts, and territories in response to Hyman vs. Maine where John Wayne Hyman was arrested for masturbating in a public park with a HO scale train engine.

Dan Geist, President of the PSA, or Paraphilia Supporters of America, sees this as a move in the right direction. "We've had women's rights, color rights, and gay rights discussions in our history," he told The Pummelo exclusively after the ruling. "It's about time that paraphilia rights enter the discussion ring as well."

"It's an exciting day for all of us!"

Nap Times Increase Across America as MLB Season Starts

NEW YORK, NY - Parents of infants and toddlers are ecstatic today as another season of Major League Baseball begins. "I love April through September," said Joe Miller, a single father with a 3 year old and a 13 month old, "because let me tell you - I don't get much time for myself during the day. I put a baseball game on, the kids go right out for a good three hours, and I can surf Ashley Madison or something in peace."

Mother of 4 Jamie Stein mirrored this thought. "Being a stay at home mom is tough, but when baseball comes along things get a bit easier." She flashes a tired smile. "I can even tune into a game on the radio and all the chaos in the house goes down a bit. It's like a magic pill for stress relief, only better and not something you have to take orally."

The effect isn't just felt with the kids though. Linda Blanks supervises the evening shift at an assisted living center in Brooklyn. "We take care of a lot of folks who have varying degrees of dementia and let me tell you, the best days of my week are when there's an afternoon game, followed by an evening game, followed by a game on the West Coast. People take their meds, people use the toilet, and people actually eat dinner without me having to force it on them. I love it."

Sensitive Photograph Turns CIA Mission Into One Of Retrieval

 Moammar Gadhafi and President Obama
shake hands prior to county bike ride

WASHINGTON D.C. — While the White House debates whether to arm rebels battling Moammar Gadhafi's troops, U.S. officials have acknowledged that the CIA has sent small teams of operatives into Libya to recover a sensitive photograph.

Battlefield setbacks are hardening the U.S. view that the poorly equipped opposition probably is incapable of prevailing without decisive Western intervention. A senior U.S. intelligence official told The Associated Press that there are some other pressing matters within the country demanding the agencies intervention. “Frankly we can’t discuss it at this time,” said the official.

White House press secretary Jay Carney said Wednesday that "No decision has been made about providing arms to the opposition or to any groups in Libya. We're not ruling it out or ruling it in." When asked if there were actual agents on the ground in country, either training rebels or doing other activities Carney would not elaborate.

Ask the CIA Agent Who Shut Down the Pummelo For 60 Days

- Why did you do it? I really loved what The Pummelo published and thought that they were on the road to greatness. What gives? -Buster52

Dear Buster52:
The Pummelo threatened upcoming operations in Libya to take American control over their oil reserves. We had to do something about it.

- Is the Obama Administration really threatened by a blog that in it's header states specifically that they invent the news? I used to read The Pummelo with the Lucky Charms and thanks to you I've had to read MSNBC and get all depressed. You really are a worthless piece of scum. -PissedCoffeeLover

Dear PissedCoffeeLover:
The Pummelo threatened upcoming operations in Libya to take American control over their oil reserves. We had to do something about it. And I pissed in your coffee this morning for asking me this question.

- What do you look for in a woman? I'm looking for a strong, capable man who's not afraid of taking control in the bedroom, with the checkbook, and with the remote. -Lonely In NE

Dear Lonely In NE:
I look for a woman who will not threaten the current operation in Libya because we need to take control over their oil reserves. I'll give you a buzz after we conduct a thorough background check and you pass a multi-stage drug test.

- My dog craps in the house all day when I'm at work no matter what I do. How can I get him quickly housebroken? This is driving me insane! -Drowning in Crap

Dear Drowning in Crap:
Ship your dog over to Libya and have him assist in taking American control over their oil reserves. That will cure the problem one way or another.

- Now that The Pummelo is back publishing against your will, what do you intend to do? - Graeme & James

Dear Graeme & James:
Stay out of Libya, use oil liberally, and you'll be fine. Remember, I'll be watching you via the cameras installed at your offices, homes, and vehicles vigilantly.