2011 Masters Sets Commentator Record For "That's a Fast Putt"

AUGUSTA, GA - Ratings for the 2011 Masters steadily decreased through the first two rounds of golf at this year's major tournament as fans are getting fed up with the commentating. "It's like they just have run out of material," said Frank Barnes, who watches every major in his living room in a Florida retirement home. "I tell you what - if I hear 'That's a fast putt' one more time, I'll pull out my nose hairs by hand."

Observers have noticed an increased trend in the phrase during the first two rounds of this tournament. Dr. Phil McGowan heads the Golf Digest Statistics Center. "Use of the phrase 'That's a fast putt' or common variations like 'That's a lightning quick putt' or 'That putt will move fast' are up almost 500% more than normal for some reason," he said. "It's almost like the commentators have an inside joke or bet going on about how many times they can say 'fast putt.'"

Diet Of Little Piggy Causing Farm Issues

Does this little piggy like roast beef to much?

ALTON, IA - Atholl McGregor is very concerned about the animals on his farm, there seems to be a sudden and increasing amount of tension in his animals and for some reason one of his little pigs seems to been ostracized by the cows and a baby bull he used to play with.

“Ah don’t know what little Truffle did and it makes me sad to see him everyday try to go out in the pasture and play and be rebuffed.”

This schism in the barnyard seemed to have started approximately two months ago after McGregor returned from a trip. When he left everything seemed fin, even the rooster and dog had stopped fighting and getting into shenanigans.

McGregor has tried to lure the animals together at feed time and at night when he brings the animals in from outside but to no response, even having cows refuse to respond and move to the other side of the pasture until he removed Truffle from the barn.

Fukushima 50 Start Calling Dibs on Superhero Names

Ben Smith, image creator, called dibs on
School Bus Boy. This did not please the Fukushima 50. 

FUKUSHIMA DAIICHI - Everybody knows that prolonged exposure to nuclear radiation in it's purest form or exposure to toxic waste causes genetic mutations in humans that form crime fighting superpowers or superpowers of evil beyond conception. As the work continues on for the Fukushima 50, experts believe that they have reached the mutation level.

"There's no doubt about it," Stan Lee told The Pummelo recently. "Those workers who are trying to save the Daiichi power plant have been exposed to mutative levels of radiation. I expect to see some new superheroes emerging in the very near future."

And the Fukushima 50 are well aware of this fact too. "I am anime expert, so I know what lot of radiation do to human body," said Taryn Shima via a translator via the telephone. "I hope I get x-ray vision so I can finally find rat stuck in wall and be able to get good night sleep."

Ask The Vicar: How Do I Lose My Virginity Before The Rapture

Father Kneally Knowlen

Dear Vicar Knowlen, It seems as if the world is coming to the end, while our Lord has not appeared the disaster in Japan, the wars in Africa and so forth make me wonder. Is now a good time to lose my virginity, I need to be touched, and if so will the Lord forgive me? – Callused Palms

Dear Palms, This is a common question and I thank you for the opportunity to share some wisdom.

I doubt the world is coming to an end, I would be much more concerned if there had been an heralding of trumpets, and to the point while I feel concern over events in Japan remember they are generally heathens who while having been informed of the Lord for more than 400 years have not converted or embraced salvation there is only so much compassion one can give. As to your needs I have some suggestions

1. Find a Drug Slut

Please forgive my rather abrasive language, but I think most drug addicts are beyond salvation. Thus if you are having sex with one you are risking only your soul and if you do ask for forgiveness you will receive it..

2. Become intimate with an Asian, African, Indian or Portuguese refugee and offer them a home for favors.

This can be a great opportunity in two ways, showing compassion by giving someone a home and hearth, and these heathens will help advance your skills and maturity. The virtue of giving will wash away the sin of fornication.

3. Go to the convent.

As we have seen those who say they serve the Lord but remain Catholic are stuck and likely damned. However they deny this and their skills and desires publicly. I will assume you are looking for a woman’s touch thus the convent. Believe me the nuns will be more than happy to help you, and under the shared delusion you can surrender your sins to God later because you were deceived.

4. Join a chorus or band

My experience has always been that all young men are musically inclined. Again I am making the assumption that by asking me for advice you are a heterosexual. This means that you’re quite likely a skilled guitar player or drummer. While I do not know this personally many of my older parishioners were once in a band and they had hundreds of experiences. If you then use your musical talents here at the church on Sunday leading praise, you will have covered yourself.  

5. Pay for it

You didn’t tell me very much about yourself but if your hands are indeed callused then you already have many sins to atone for and you have little self respect. So finally giving in and buying the favors of an experienced woman will suffice and again since you are already a sinner you can just extend your request to cover your deeds with a whore.

Vicar Knowlen occasionally responds to questions from Pummelo readers regarding Love, Relationships, and Sex if you have questions please leave it in the comments section and we will make sure the Vicar receives it.

Ask the Pissed Off Guy From Porter Stansberry Investment

Alessandro Paiva caught Pissed Off Guy From
Porter Stansberry Investment on a good day.
Imagine what his Mondays are like!

Dear Pissed Off Guy From Porter Stansberry Investment:
My mortgage is 90 days behind, the bank is threatening to foreclose on me, and I have no money to move anywhere else. What do you think I should do? -BrokeAndCrying


Dear BrokeAndCrying:
I think you should invest in some corrugated cardboard. I hear they make great homes under bridges. And thank you so much for stopping your investment portfolio at Porter Stansberry and costing me my job. You suck.

Dear Pissed Off Guy From Porter Stansberry Investment:
My girlfriend saw an advertisement for the End of America and now she's really freaking out about losing our country. What the heck is going on? - Worried in Fremont


Dear Worried in Fremont:
Why should I care what your girlfriend thinks? Did she invest in any of our programs? No. Did she make one phone call to save my job? No. Did she put out when I tracked her down after you sent me this pathetic question? No. You're worthless.

Teacher Enters Recovery, Admits She Needs Help With Celebrity Nonaddiction

Do you know who these men are? Alanna Niece didn't

DAYTONA, FL – Alanna Niece has an ugly secret that she can no longer hide.” I really don't think I have a favorite Jonas brother,” the fifth grade teacher recently admitted over dinner to her friend Lynn Lampry.

“I know I should, but honestly I don’t even know how to tell them apart or which one is the really famous one,” she struggled to admit to her friend.

So with Lampry’s help Niece attended her first Celebrity Denial Anonymous meeting last night.

Niece went to the meeting at the West Volusia Campus of Daytona State College. Meetings are for those who have little interest in celebrity gossip and recognition but realize that this has damaged their lives and to become fully functional individuals they must immerse themselves at least weekly in the 12 Step Program of Celebrity Deification.

Match.com Brings Together Couple Torn Apart 20 Years Ago

Carly drying out the morning before the
big reunion.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Carl could hardly believe it himself. Twenty years of searching had finally come down to this one moment. If he had any fingers, he would have pinched himself to make sure he wasn't in some sort of morbid nightmare. It was really going to happen.

Carly felt the same way. Twenty years is a long time to be apart from the one you were meant to spend all your days with. She had almost given up on the dream of growing old and losing her stitching together with Carl.

However, thanks to modern technology, Match.com unwittingly matched Carl and Carly together under their free Spring promotion and The Pummelo was there exclusively for their reunion. "When I saw her picture, I just became all numb at first," Carl tells us. "I never thought I would find my soul mate because I thought Carly was gone forever. Low and behold, look what happened."

Carly's hoops got a bit bigger - a smile imagined. "I've been mismatched so many times on people's feet over the last twenty years that I had given up all hope. A girlfriend encouraged me to get out again and helped me with my profile. I owe her my everything."

Arkansas Church Denies Power Of Prayer

The remains of Geoff Harrlow's dance club after March tornadoes 

HOT SPRINGS, AR – Court observer Frank Gneiss says that he thinks, “Lucifer is on his throne smoking a bowl and cackling over this.” This is the law suit dance club and adult entertainment provider Geoff Harrlow has filed against the Fourth Street Baptist Church after tornadoes swept through town and destroyed the new club Harrlow was building and his store where he sold adult videos, marital aids and other products.

“So they say this was an act of God,” said Harrlow. “That fact along with the fact that members of the Fourth Street church prayed for my businesses to close and passed a pray petition around town proves they are responsible for my losses.”

Harrlow has had a four year long public fight with the church that stands on the corner of Fourth and Causewell Street. The battle seems to be both one of location, Harrlow’s primary dance club stands one block north at Hennesy and Fourth, and the type of business Harrlow is involved with. “He is a decadent and depraved man only focused on making money off of the baser instincts of the fallen man,” said Councilman and Church Deacon Neil Gulin. “I have fought every way I can against his vile and sinful business, but we cannot be held responsible for the will of God.”

Harrlow insists otherwise. “So they pray and pray for an end to my evil empire and when it happens they had nothing to do with it,” he said. “I don’t play that way, it says through out the Bible ‘Ask and you will receive’ we’ll they asked so they’re responsible.”

Opening hearings for the case began in District Court on Monday morning and early indications are that Judge Philip Henry may agree with Harrlow. At the hearing Henry commented, “I don't know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a business owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.”

Carmen Sandiego No Longer On Earth

PLANET NEBULON DENARII IV - To the dismay of millions of computer geeks still in love with the game Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, it was discovered today by Harold Mullis, a private detective hired by a 20 year anonymous gamer, that Carmen Sandiego actually left the planet Earth in 1991.

"It appears Sandiego created the game to make millions and then took that money and became a demigod on the planet Nebulon Denarii IV, or ND4," said Mullis. "And the most disappointing thing about knowing this is that there is just no way in hell that I can get a warrant issued for her arrest now."

Carmen Sandiego rose to infamy as the head of a major international crime syndicate in the 1980's. After amassing all the planet's treasures and finding that there wasn't much left to do in life, she created a biographical video game where the user attempted to track down Ms. Sandiego. The success of the video game led to the short run of a game show that is most famous for launching the group Rockapella.

Palin Earns $262,000 For Teen Pregnancy Work; Millions of Teenage Boys To Get Laid Tonight

Bristol Palin has earned over a quarter of a million dollars
teaching about the dangers of teenage pregnancy.

LOS ANGELES, CA - With the news today that Bristol Palin, daughter of Republican and Tea Party political candidate Sarah Palin and a single mom, has earned over a quarter of a million dollars to help teach girls about not getting pregnant... well, boys are excited and for good reason.

"She got how much for telling me to have uncomfortable sex?" said Sheila Gonzalez, a senior in Pomona, CA. "Fuck that shit! If I can make a quarter mil having a kid, then I'm having sex all the time!"

Monica Miller, a sophomore in Anaheim, wholeheartedly agreed with that sentiment. "The sooner I get to fucking, the sooner I get paid!" she exclaimed. "Now I just need to get a boy to like me and think I'm pretty..."

Representative Discovers Constituents Are Deviant and Nasty

State Representative Bill Dan Medford after resignation

PARIS, TX – Fourth District State Representative Bill Dan Medford resigned from office today stating he has found that the people he represents are “frighteningly debauched”.

Medford’s spokesman Bell Jenkins said that Representative Medford had been reaching out to his constituents in various ways through Social Media and had been faithfully asking questions about legislation on both his Facebook page, Twitter and through Chatroulette and Yahoo Answers and that while he felt he was getting decent and reasonable answers from the Facebook and Twitter accounts, the others had shown him that he was representing individuals whose values are apparently directly opposite his own.

“Facebook responders might not always be polite, occasionally someone would go so far to call me a name but they were seldom profane, the other two are nothing but profane and it makes me very sad,” said Medford in the statement.

Decline in US Test Scores Attributed to ChaCha

Kids blame incorrect answers from ChaCha for their
crappy grades.

CARMEL, IN - The reason why the United States is legging behind other developed nations in the education of our children has become clear, say experts. "After examining the pattern of teaching, test scores, and general academic performance, it is clear that the culprit to this education gap are nitwits acting as guides for ChaCha," said Hubert Norris, President on the Council for Education Reform [CER], in a press conference announcing their findings. "We've got to do something about this.

The search engine ChaCha, created by Scott Jones and Brad Bostic, launched in 2006 and is known as a human search engine as questions are answered by human guides. Questions are answered via SMS text. "I don't see how pinning the blame on us is going to have any effect on the course of national education," Bostic said in response to the CER report. "It's not our fault that kids are stupid."

Climate Controversy Grows As Robins Refuse To Commit To Spring Arrival

Traditional Spring Scene May Not Occur

GEORGETOWN, CO – Audubon Society President Jacob Norton announced today that he has been notified that robins are refusing to arrive in North America until July.

“While many people don’t realize it robins can communicate,” said Norton. “They are not as verbal as Parrots or Macaws they can make their point.”According to Norton their point at this time is that humans are not taking climate change seriously enough because it continues to snow, with below average temperatures across the United States.

“The message that several different birds have given our species watchers across the country is that they will refuse to go north and be the traditional sign of spring and spring planting as long as these storms continue to roll across the country,” explained Norton. “And as long as Americans refuse to acknowledge that perhaps something is actually wrong or at least changed with the weather they will not be coming.”

Southwest Plane Admits to Long Term Drug Usage

Lou, seen in this 2007 File Photo, recently had a 5 ft
hole ripped in his skull thanks to his abuse of crack.

YUMA, AZ - Lou, the Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 that recently had to make an emergency landing due to losing a panel in his skull, creating a 5 foot hole mid-flight, has decided to come clean about his drug addiction exclusively with The Pummelo.

The Pummelo: Lou, when did you first start struggling with crack?

Lou: Well, it wasn't crack at first. I used alcohol as a gateway drug and that worked fine for awhile, but I was burning through my fuel like mad crazy. I had to go to other things.

US Officials Raise Terror Level To "Grab Your Ankles"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary, announced in this morning's press conference that the Federal government has taken the unprecedented step in raising the terror alert for the country to the "Grab Your Ankles" level.

"We felt this was necessary based on some credible intelligence received in combination to the current Libya conflict and nuclear crisis in Japan," Carney stated. "Any terrorist level event could potentially right now end the world as we know it, so we have raised the terror alert to the highest point that we can under the current system."