Wife Blamed For Bunny Removal; Cage Arrested

This booking photo, taken & released by the Orleans Parish Sheriff's
Office, shows actor Nicolas Cage on 4/16 in New Orleans.
"She should have left the bunny in the box," Cage is reported
to have told the booking clerk.

NEW ORLEANS - Authorities are baffled today attempting to explain the behavior of actor Nicolas Cage. The star of great movies to fall asleep to at night such as Con Air, The Rock, and Raising Arizona was seen by witnesses arguing with his wife outside a residence in the French Quarter late Friday night.

Police Spokesperson Garry Flot told reporters today in a written statement that Cage had been booked on suspicion of domestic abuse battery, disturbing the peace, and public intoxication.

Witness Nancy LeToux says there is no suspicion in this case. "I saw him do it!" she exclaimed to reporters this morning. "They can say all that want to about his allegedly doing somethin', but I saw it with my good eye AND my bad eye!"

"Heck, even my dog Princess saw the whole thing! You can ask her too!"

Bowel Movements More Regular With More Cellulose in Foods

CHICAGO, IL - Have you ever noticed that your fish sandwich at McDonald's is tasting less like fish and more like a pine tree? Have you also noticed that if you eat out fairly often, your bowel movements lately have become more regular and consistent?

"That's because the cellulose content is going up in many of our products," spokesperson Manny Hubert told us. "Our customers do not want to pay more for their meals, which means we have to do something about lowering our costs."

For those not in the know, cellulose = wood pulp.

In the instance of McDonald's, not only is their cellulose in the fish sandwich patty, if you eat the sandwich they way I do with Swiss cheese and barbecue sauce, you're getting cellulose in those items too - potentially up to 3.5% worth in each product.

"On the scenario you described, you are getting some excellent additions of dietary fiber," says Hubert. "There's nothing more important than having regular bowel movements if you ask me."

US Seizes Poker Sites In Retribution For a Terrible Bad Beat

These very cards may very well spell the end of
online gaming in the United States. 

MANHATTAN, NY - Prosecutors today seized the assets, accounts, and websites of 3 major online poker companies in what many people are calling a shocking action. Poker Stars, Full Tilt Poker, and Absolute Poker  were all charged with violating Federal anti-Internet gambling laws and are now facing a civil lawsuit to recover approximately $3 billion.

Joel Stevens of Full Tilt Poker says this is all just a big crock. "What they aren't telling you is that we all had our weekly poker game on Monday and this week the Feds lost their shirt."

Montgomery Mason of Poker Stars just laughed at the news. "I figured something was going to happen when Stevens called a million dollar raise with a 7-2 offsuit and the flop came 7-7-2."

Sarah McLachlan finally Has A Forever Home After Adoption

Sarah McLachlan
happy to be going to her new home

VANCOUVER, BC – The long ordeal for singer Sarah McLachlan ended to day when she was adopted from the Surrey Branch of the British Columbia Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

“We are so relieved and excited,” said volunteer Dennis Calmeter. “We will miss her beautiful voice, but this is such great news.”

McLachlan has been at the shelter for over two years and while often considered by people looking to adopt a companion she always seemed to be missing some essential quality until today.

“Sarah is shy even if she is an international performer,” explained Calmeter. “She was not easily affectionate unless she knew you and that seemed to be off putting to people, and she had to be coaxed to sing ‘Angel’ or ‘Ice Cream’ and many people seemed to want a lower maintenance companion.”

McLachlan was adopted by an older couple from Vancouver, Norman and Gwen Snyder, who have promised to take very good care of her. “We’re thrilled,” exclaimed Gwen Snyder. “Sure it may take her time to settle in to our town home, but we have a grand piano and great acoustics I think she’ll over come her shyness quickly.”

“We can provide her with her own closet,” explained Norman. “We have a big dining room and back yard and if she wants we can have her Lilith Fair friends come visit, I’m just happy to see the smiles on both Gwen and Sarah’s faces.

The Snyders gave a large donation to the BC SPCA on top of the veterinarian and adoption fees because Norman said they had finally found the perfect companion.

Streetlight Tired of Being Mistaken for UFO

Herbie is looking for a better portrait.
Think you can do it?

DALLAS, TX - Herbie has stood his station for 13 years. He has never missed a night. He shines brightly so that people can see their way to their cars, find lost keys, and run away from potential muggers. He generally takes pride in his work and finds a decent amount of satisfaction in it.

However, there is one thing he is just plain sick and tired of any more. "I'm tired of people taking pictures of me at night and making numbnuts think that I'm a UFO about to invade Dallas. It's terrible!"

Herbie says that it is particularly bad on foggy nights. "If someone doesn't get my pole in the photograph and lets the fog diffuse with the light in a night picture, it definitely makes you take a second look." Herbie sighs heavily. "I want people to know me for me, not because I'm some fake UFO freak."

Baa, Baa Black Sheep Being Sued By Boy Down The Lane

Baa, Baa Black Sheep

CAMPBELLTOWN, SA – A black sheep living in this coastal town is being sued for 100,000 A$ with the allegations that he did not provide a bag of wool for the little boy down the lane.

“The sheep promised to provide a bag for his master, one for the dame and one for my client” said Barrister Harlow Adams. “We are suing for the amount because this Merino wool is of the finest quality and a 14 kilogram bag would bring 350 A$, we are also alleging that the sheep did knowingly plan not to provide the bag and that the recurrent suffering from my client wondering when it would show, how he would replace the missing funds he needed for a present for his mum, thus our total sum.”

For his part the sheep is insisting that he still intends to get the bag to the boy but that weather and other factors on the farm have stopped him from being able to travel down the lane.

“Human’s don’t understand how difficult it is to walk on wet cobblestones,” explained the sheep. “Nor do they realize the pure agony of trying to warm wet wool naturally, we can’t get in a dryer or sometimes even lay on the hearth because it tightens up and shrinks to the body, terrible just terrible.”

Adams says that these are just interminable excuses and that while it is late fall and the weather is at times wet and cold, it has not been raining for 60 days straight. “My client has suffered emotionally and he is owed something for those damages and regardless of what he claims the sheep is an unrepentant slacker trying to garner sympathy and I will not allow it.”

The first magistrate of South Wales will hear the primary arguments in the suit May, 11.

Pummelo Exposé: Controversial Evangelists Chick, Phelps Are Same Man

Fred Phelps 2008

TOPEKA, KS – Following an exhaustive investigation, The Pummelo has found the reclusive author and artist Jack Chick. Following leads from many sources including friends, associates and former artist for his studio in Rancho Cucamonga, California, it has been determined that infamous Kansas pastor and demagogue Fred Phelps and Chick are the same individual, albeit one suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Jack Chick circa 1947

According to Dr. Walter Gneiss, who served with Chick in the Pacific Theater during World War Two, Chick developed the louder, more boisterous, more hateful and obnoxious personality then known only as Fred to help him deal with the intensity of the combat seen in island hopping.

“I was a young doctor who had just ended my internship when I began seeing Jack frequently when he would make sure to come and pray for the wounded,” explained Gneiss. “But I started to notice that when he heard aircraft or shelling Jack went away and this “Fred” showed up and he was just a nasty man. I’m not saying I agree with what Jack eventually produced but he wasn’t the same fundamentalist nut he became.”

Sunday School Chair Racism on the Rise

This J.N. Photo captured Barry Redchair being surrounded.
Red and Blue Sunday School chair racism has been on the rise
in the last year thanks to color associations to political parties.

CRYSTAL CATHEDRAL - Racism is hardly something new on the planet Earth. From ancient times, slavery has been a part of society in one way or another. Whether you are building temples, working a cotton field, or forced to work a Shanghai street, being forced to be a slave because of your race is racism.

Today we bring you the untold story of Barry Redchair, a poor Sunday School chair facing brutal conditions at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA. "I was always the odd chair out, whether I was with my crowd or the blue crowd," Barry tells us, "but it was usually something I could handle. Lately, however, things have been changing for the worse."

The Crystal Cathedral has been known as one of the sparkling signs of Christianity in the United States since its completion in 1980. Little do people know that inside this beauty lies a darkness that almost none can describe. "I go home and I cry every night," Barry says sorrowfully. "You have no idea what it's like to be hated by all of your coworkers. I love it when kids sit on me and learn about Jesus, but I can feel the stares of everyone in the room on my back all the time. It scares me."

Subliminal Messages Via Netflix a Hot Seller

OMAHA, NE - The successes of Berkshire Hathaway have been well documented. From GEICO Auto Insurance to See's Candies to Helzburg Diamonds, Berkshire Hathaway has built corporate success with diversified brands, catchy advertising, and a willingness to avoid fear and keep putting the next foot forward.

Those successes are coming under question this morning as a source within Netflix who wishes to remain anonymous has contacted The Pummelo and notified us that Netflix has been selling subliminal advertising on their streaming movie and television feeds. "You didn't think they dropped their all you can watch online streaming subscription to $8 because they're nice guys, did you?" our source said. "They can do this because they have been selling influential advertising and Berkshire Hathaway is by far their biggest customer."

Affliction T-Shirts Affect Band's Credibility

DALLAS, TX - With the NFL currently in lock down and many players who live paycheck to paycheck hurting to pay for their million dollar homes and extravagant sports cars, one group of players has come together as the band Free Reign in an attempt to stave off their lockout-related financial woes.

Free Reign is composed of Leonard Davis and Marc Colombo of the Dallas Cowboys, with Cory Proctor of the Miami Dolphins and Justin Chapman, the guy no one really knows. "It has always been a dream of mine to be in a metal band," said Davis in a recent interview. "I love hitting people on the field and I love hitting a nice set of power chords. This is definitely a win-win for me."

Colombo is the band's front man. "When I'm singing, it's like all the concerns about not playing football ever again just go away and I can focus on the lyrics. I think the people really dig that."

Ladder of Babel To Open Friday

BARROW, AK - In this tiny, cold village above the Arctic Circle in Alaska sits potentially the biggest tourist attraction in history. Many call it the next modern wonder of the world. Some people call it stupid and a waste of time. What are we talking about? The Ladder of Babel, of course. It opens Friday and you can traverse the climb yourself for a $5 donation or $20 gets you a full day of unlimited access.

City Mayor Robert Harcharek sees this as an economic boom for the North Slope Borough. "Not only are we going to get a flood of new people to experience a little bit of life above the Arctic Circle, we also have the opportunity to potentially communicate a little bit better with our Creator."

"If this works out the way we expect it to, we might even get ourselves a road that connects our town with the rest of Alaska. I can't tell you how fabulous that would be."

Obama About To "Man Up"

Obama manning up in his favorite past time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With deficits out of control, 30% of our $14,000,000,000,000 debt in the hands of China, radiation coming ashore on the West Coast, rebellions in several Middle Eastern countries, oil above $105 per barrel, gas prices hovering around $4.00 per gallon - heck, a Snickers bar these days will cost you around $0.89 most places... well, President Barack Obama has said that he has finally had enough.

"I intend to tell the American people in today's speech that I fully intend to get off the couch, man up, and put in a hard day's worth of work to attempt to resolve some of these pressing issues," Obama said this morning when asked privately about why he was doing this. "I was elected for an office and I should do something with it for a change that doesn't involve spending money."

Word is that President Obama intends to direct Congress to raise taxes on the wealthy, cut spending, and print approximately $5 trillion in new money in order to pay off a little bit of the debt. "If we can print new money and circulate it, then why not?" Obama said. "This way we can get back to the days when President Clinton gloated that we had a balanced budget and there might be time left in the day to do something somewhere else in the world as well before I go back on the couch."

Man Distressed To Find Out His Brass Means No Children

An example of Thomas Henry's rare deformity

PLANO, TX – Thomas Henry and his wife Veronica have been trying for a year to become pregnant. Veronica has had fertility tests and they have tried all methods of following her ovulation and heat reduction to no avail. Then today Thomas went in for a test and found out the tragic news, he can’t produce sperm, he has in fact brass balls.

“Who knew this would be an issue,” said a shocked Henry. "When I went into the army I was told that I was the perfect soldier, no fear because I had brass balls no one was concerned about my future!”

Henry is an emotional man who was awarded two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star for his duty in Iraq, and he is bitterly disappointed that something he has always taken great pride in is now threatening his hopes and dreams.

“In high school I was an all Texas running back, I would run into people twice, three times my size and get yards, I played with abandon, coach praised me for having brass balls,” explained Henry. “Now, well I can’t believe I won’t sit in those stands and see my own son do it”

WNBA Reveals New Bikini Uniforms

The WNBA revealed what their new
uniforms will look like for the 2011 season
this morning.

PHOENIX, AZ - Experts knew that the WNBA had to do something drastic in its 15th season in order to draw in new fans to insure its survivability. So when the WNBA announced that they would have new, lighter uniforms for all teams in this season, people figured that some sexiness would be added to the game.

No one was expecting what they got this morning when the stock uniform was revealed to the press. Players are now going to be competing in what barely qualifies as a bikini. "When they said they had new, lighter uniforms coming into the league, I had no idea they meant these," said recent draft pick Brittney Spears. "I don't know how possible it is going to be to play basketball in this.

Reaction has been positive from the male fan base. "I hope they drop the temperature in the arenas a good 15 degrees," Martin Miller, 19, of Los Angeles told us. "If they do that, they've got a new season ticket holder this year."

John Braydon has a similar view. "I can't wait to see what a flagrant foul is going to look like this season!"

As you can imagine, the reaction from the female base is not as positive. "I used to take my girls to the games during the summer to show them that it is ok to be a strong female athlete," said mother of 3 girls Latoya Baker. "Shoving women in skimpy swimsuits and making them play basketball simply exploits the female body. This is tantamount to prostitution."

Spears doesn't think it goes that far. "I think people are just desperate to have a women's league succeed at something here in the United States. After all, look what happened to the WUSA, what is going on with the WPS league, and the status of the USL-W league." She shakes her head. "I get that we have to do something to earn a paycheck. I just don't think this is it."

Washington Mystics owner Sheila Johnson fired her head coach and general manager to save money and needed something else besides advertising revenue. "I think this is our last ditch effort at survival," said Johnson. "If women playing basketball in bikinis doesn't draw in new revenue, then nothing will and I might as well go back to flipping burgers at McDonalds."

Only time will tell if this new ploy succeeds. If it doesn't, our take is that they could always just remove the uniform and play league games on the Playboy network. That might make advertising on the uniform a tad more difficult, however.

Pummelo Achieves: Chicken Larceny in Florida 1903

Cock before having excess feathers removed

While Crawford residents were placidly enjoying a quiet respite and the warm gulf coast breezes in the early evening yesternoon Two boys, 9 and 11 years old, were arrested for posting falsehoods and dealing in larceny and harm to livestock; just 4 miles away in our neighboring township of Eufflea. The two boys, Tom Heal and Ethelbert Hump had been attempting to sell tickets to a oddity show of their creation. The boys had on display a halfpenny from Haiti, a mouse’s skull, a walking stick they suggested belonged to the “Wandering Jew” and two items that brought them to the attention of the Constable. The first item was an elderly Negro, the Constable says is known as Jerome, whom the boys were attempting to pass as Ahasver the Wandering Jew himself, and a hooded, headless cock. The Old Negro could not speak, apparently mute and as such could provide no defense or rebuttal and has been exiled from the town. The two boys have claimed that they were just trying to earn money to go west. They have been forced to refund monies and are sitting in the Ashford County Jail waiting punishment. Judge Francis Dubois is to determine if caning is sufficient or if the youths should be tarred and feathered. The poor cock has been freed from its pen and the glued on feathers removed by Doctor Julius Devine, it was returned to its owner Judge Dubois.