Murder-Suicide Confirmed In Tandem Bike Crash

Daisy apparently didn't give him his answer, do. Howard
then drove the bicycle built for two into oncoming traffic
and was struck head-on by a semi-truck. This is all that
is left of the bicycle.

EUGENE, OR - Investigators have now closed the case in last week's mysterious tandem bicycle crash near I-5.

"Though it was initially ruled an accident, our investigators believed that there was simply too much damaged caused to the bike for it to simply be a hit-and-run or an accident caused be negligence," said police spokesperson Amelia Newhart. "After taking a careful look at all the evidence, we believe that the driver of the bicycle, Howard Taft, purposely steered the bike into oncoming traffic in order to kill both himself and his passenger, Daisy Bell."

Friends of Ms. Bell, though grieving their loss, are not completely surprised. "I always told Daisy that Howard was a half-crazy loon!" Nancy Burgess, who attended the same church as Ms. Bell, told us. "I always suspected he was bi-polar and maybe had a slight mental illness. I guess I should have tried to do more."

Dalek Disguised As Easter Egg Creates Terror




Is this armed and antagonistic egg a forerunner to invasion?

Photo by pugno_muliebriter

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Governor Mitch Daniels called out the Indiana National Guard to help restore order in this small town on the banks of the Ohio River after tragedy broke out at the annual Easter Egg Hunt in Beechwood Park.

Approximately 95 children were on hand when one of them found a rather overprinted egg near the swings. Reports say that a small projection came from the egg that fired a green beam that cut the swing-set in half, the child who discovered the egg avoided being killed.

Unfortunately 13 other children and three adults were not able to avoid the death ray and the ensuing panic caused by the psych distortion emitter created riots in town. Clarksville police surrounded the park and tried to take down the deadly, now flying egg.

After three vehicles were destroyed Police Chief Dwight Ingle called in the state police who cordoned off a radius of 20 blocks and evacuated the area. During this time the odd egg did not try and leave the park area. At approximately 2:30 p.m. CST the egg then began to sweep the border of the park with the ray again destroying vehicles. It was at this time that Governor Daniels requested the  grad to both defend the city and attempt to destroy the egg.

After evacuating the town and moving the defensible area out to one mile Guard Commander Colonel Jefferson Price ordered the launch of a thermal explosive device that did apparently deactivate the egg. It fell from its position into the gravel near the destroyed swing.

Guard troops collected the apparently inert egg and transported it to Fort Campbell in Kentucky, where it is being taken apart and studied under secure lockdown.

Kraft and Swiss Miss Mix Up Sends College Student To Hospital

Caitlyn Fowler on arrival at the Ohio State Medical Center

COLUMBUS, OH – Caitlyn Fowler committed herself to the psych ward of Ohio State Medical Center last night after another failed date.

“Miss Fowler has a short but intense history of failed romance,” said Dr. Eaton Revis. “The poor girl came in early this morning suffering from PTSD, depression, exhaustion and delusional behavior. She will be fine in a few days but the shock of last night will take some intense therapy in outpatient work.”

Fowler was cooking dinner for a home date with Dalton Majerus and while they were talking she mixed up the coco mix and the cheese mix and brought Majerus a cup of strong imitation cheese to drink. “I didn’t look at it before taking a sip,” said Majerus. “And I guess I did what anyone would do and spit it out harsh, right on Caitlyn’s dress, I was embarrassed and quickly left, I shouldn’t have but I had no idea what to do next.”

Majerus’s reaction to the heinous drink and his accidently spitting back out on Fowler apparently was the last straw for Fowler’s injured psyche. “When she came in she kept babbling about a cheese drink and coco macaroni which just sounds vile,” said Dr. Revis. “So we gave her some Xanax and started her on Risperdal. I am quite sure we can get this under control, and I am recommending she get enrolled in a cooking class as part as therapy.”

Fowler was still in a near catatonic state as The Pummelo went to press and could not comment, but Dr. Revis did offer this warning: “I remember what it was like to be a poor college student but the reality is that Olive Garden isn’t that expensive in comparison to the trauma of mixing up a generic cheese knock off and a coco mix.”

Who is Captain Mr. Heroicamazingman, Esq.?

Who is this man, can he save us all?

NEW YORK, NY – His arrival may change the perspective of the world and world leaders in unknown ways. His appearance is likely to challenge the ideals of heroism and selflessness. One thing is for certain he has caught the attention of this city’s citizens and leaders after dropping from the sky and breaking up the mugging of a taxi driver yesterday afternoon in Central Park West.

We do not know who this masked man is, we only know him by the business card he handed the taxi cab driver, it read “Here to protect and rescue, Captain Mr. Heroicamazingman, Esq.”

Taxi driver Yusuf Wilson said that two men waved him down and when they opened the door they stuck a gun in his face. “It happens, I mean I've been robbed before, but this was terrifying,” said Wilson. “These two guys had clown masks on and they were laughing I was pretty sure they were going to kill me then Bam, Pow it was over and the balloon man had them trussed up, it was awesome.”

Security photos from the cab’s camera reveal that the armor that this incredible hero wore does appear to be in the style of twisty balloons clowns use to make animals at parties. Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly released a statement saying that if this was the advent of a new hero he was no impressed. “We do not need vigilante justice in our city,” his release said. “Also I am concerned that if he continues and wears this armor he will be killed and left in a garbage pile or in the East River and we don’t need that.”

For now, the city awaits with anticipation for the next deed of our courageous Captain Mr. Heroicamazingman, Esq.

Ask Uncle Mike: Marry Your Smokin' Hot Cousin

Uncle Mike is our resident love expert. Leave a comment &
he'll answer your questions too!

Dear Uncle Mike:
I'm 24 years old and I've never really had a girlfriend. Now I ain't no queer - I went out with some girls in high school, I had sex with a couple girls during our senior party, and I've got a lifetime subscription to Playboy. The problem I have is that I'm in love with my smokin' hot cousin. She's my first cousin and she puts Cindy Crawford in her hey day to shame. Boy oh boy, if she ever posed for Playboy, I'd be in heaven. That centerfold would probably never come off the ceiling. I know that she likes me the way I like her, but I just don't know what to do. Part of me says this is very, very wrong and I need to just be celibate for the rest of my life, but the other part of me says I need to ask her out so we can have some hot cousin sex. What do you think I should do? - Sick and Confused in Kentucky

Medusa Turns Easter Bunny Into Stone

The Easter Bunny accidentally looked into Medusa's
eyes while prepping baskets this morning. 

SOMEWHERE UNDISCLOSED WHERE THE EASTER BUNNY LIVES - Not even the Easter Bunny is safe from terrorism as The Pummelo has received this exclusive photo in the mail from an unmarked, beige envelope clearly showing that the Easter Bunny has been turned into stone.

Upon investigating, we discovered that the ancient Greek Gorgon Medusa discovered the secret location of the Easter Bunny and paid him a visit in order to prevent happiness from occurring worldwide this coming holiday.

Some may notice that the statue looks more ceramic than stone. Stu Miller, of The Pummelo's forensic team, says this is because of the Easter Bunny's supernatural and animal characteristics combining into different molecules due to Medusa's gaze. "Humans turn into solid stone because of the chemical reaction," Miller explains. "Supernatural beings such as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or Christmas elves also have an animal quality to them and this causes more of a ceramics look." Miller looks grim. "Think about all those animal figurines sitting on shelves in your local Goodwill. How many of them do you think looked into Medusa's eyes as well?"

Easter Tragedy Shocks Wonka Factory Workers

Wonka factory owner Charlie Bucket being rushed to hospital

LICHFIELD, STAFFORDSHIRE, UK – Terrible tragedy struck last night at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory when current owner and manager Charlie Bucket tripped and fell in the Golden Egg Sorting Room and fell down a garbage chute and accidently swallowed rejected bites of Three-Course-Dinner Gum.

“Oompa Loompa doompadee doo it was tragically true,” said Oompa Chief Lmp. “Oompa Loompa doompadah dee Charlie's accident sad but you see, Easter candy will still be given for free. Oompa Loompa doompadee do.”

Emergency physicians at the Staffordshire Urgent Hospital say the Bucket will be brought back to full health in time but that the combination of blowing up as an adult size blueberry while sliding down the compaction chute did cause severe internal injuries and there is likely to be permanent scaring leaving a lavender appearance to Bucket’s skin.

While Bucket is recovering, legendary chocolatier Wonka will come out of retirement to run the factory and finish several new candy styles and flavors Bucket had begun. “Charlie is my heir, but he is my friend and basically family there is no question that for the next few weeks or months I will step in and finish all plans for summer releases,” said Wonka. “Have no doubt Charlie will recover and return... after all he was the most moral and luckiest child and those qualities are there as an adult, I’m sure he adult which will help him recover, I look forward to what this experience will lead him to create.”

Crooked People Must Live in Crooked Houses

Switzerland is now requiring crooked people to live in
crooked houses - no word on politicians. 

BERN, SWITZERLAND - Government officials today are praising the passing of a law today that required crooked people to live in crooked houses.

"It's a day of proclamation for everyone who follows the laws and does things that are socially acceptable in our society," said Federal Council member Doris Leuthard. "Now there truly will be a symbol for all to recognize the people with whom me must not associate."

Critics question the safety factor of living in a crooked house. "Let's not even question the safety factors of having to walk crookedly every day," Dr. Ricard Jacobson said. "Can you imagine the logistical problems of having to bolt stuff down to the floor so that it doesn't slide across the room on you? Or how about going to the bathroom? If you release a really thick log, how is it ever going to flush down the toilet?"

Sam I Am Was Nuts To Like Green Eggs and Ham

When I see green eggs and ham, it makes me think of crap and Spam. I would not eat them in a house. I would not eat them with a mouse.

I could not like them in a truck, I would not eat them for a buck. Green eggs and ham just do suck, but if you like them, I don't give a... duck.

I would rather eat the chicken, the chicken's bones I'd be pickin', then eat those green eggs and ham. I cannot eat them, Sam I Am.

I could not eat them on a boat. I could not eat them on a moat. I could not shove them down my throat. Of green eggs and ham I could not vote.

It looks just a little bit like vomit, so I'd rather just eat a wombat, if I truly had no choice, and could not use my voice.

The things that people want to tryish, even if they are not Irish. Heck, I'm Irish and I cannot eat it. I'd rather listen to Michael Jackson's Beat It. 

And so our little story ends and we will not be making any friends. For I will never like green eggs and ham, no matter what you tell me, Sam I Am.

How Come God Doesn't Call Good QB's to Div. III Schools?

Zeke Pike went to Auburn because "God called me there."
Officials at Cal Lutheran, a Division III school for football,
aren't buying it one bit.

FT. MITCHELL, KY - And other high school recruit has given a verbal commitment to a school to play college ball.

No big deal, right?

Except in this case, when Zeke Pike toured the campus of Auburn, he felt God's presence come over him, essentially telling him that he needed to attend that university. "I felt like God was calling me to Auburn," Pike says.

That has a lot of BCS schools steamed because they lost out, but that has lower tier schools like Division III's Cal Lutheran in Thousand Oaks, CA, boiling mad. "How come God calls all of these athletes to play at these top level schools?" Cal Lutheran's President Chris Kimball pondered angrily with us this morning. "We're an ELCA college, fully accredited, and our motto is 'Love of Christ, Truth, and Freedom.' You'd think that be enough to get us a little play with the Big Man upstairs."

Shield of Lancelot Really Just Stocked With Drugs

The Shield of Lancelot apparently was filled with the
mysterious drug known as "caffeine."

LONDON - Historians, trivia buffs, and those who are just in general interested in mythology were all in attendance to hear the announcement from the University of London that they had managed to unearth the Shield of Lancelot from an unmarked site near Wembley Stadium.

"We indeed can confirm that this is the shield given to Lancelot by the Lady of the Lake," said University Vice Chancellor Geoffrey Crossick. "It is a very important piece of our history, myth, and lore, and it will now forever rest as a beautiful display piece in a museum.

According to legend, the Lady of the Lake gave the shield to Lancelot and it not only cured him of his tiredness, but it also gave him the strength of three men. Crossick tells us there is a logical explanation for this. "When we studied the shield under the microscope, we discovered that the shield is coated in an easily absorptive caffeine. All one has to do is touch the shield and you get into your system about the same amount of caffeine that a cup of good coffee would give you."

Marijuana Plant Gets High on 4/21, Not 4/20

Willie the MJ Plant believes in the true counterculture.

LOS ANGELES - Since 1998, April 20th has come to symbolize an important day in the world of cannabis. At 4:20 pm on 4/20, if you are smoking a joint, then you have hit the epitome of what you can do in the cannabis culture.

"I think it's all just a crock of tobacco," said Willie - a Dutch marijuana plant residing on the streets of Los Angeles. "People used to smoke pot to go against culture. Now people smoke pot so that they can feel like they belong to a culture. It's stupid."

Hundreds of thousands of people will gather across the United States and Canada is essential celebration and almost worship of the marijuana plant and the ways of enjoying it. Willie shrugs that off. "If you truly wish to be counterculture, then you have to go against all culture. That's what weed is about, baby. And that's why I don't celebrate 420."

So what does Willie celebrate? "I like to smoke a joint on 4/21, just a little after midnight. It lets me relax, eat some Frosted Flakes, and get a nice buzz going as I drift off to sleep."

But isn't smoking weed while being a weed a little wrong? "Wrong is only in the eye of the beholder, my friend," says Willie. "If your buddy tastes good and you know he's going to give you a good buzz, I don't see anything wrong in partaking in that."

Trump Likes the Oreo Cookie, Not the Cream

David Shankbone captured the Donald
admitting to a black cookie preference
this morning after a NBC programming
meeting.

NEW YORK - Donald Trump is most definitely setting himself up for a Presidential nomination. He has recently been quoted in defending privacy laws, defending anti-abortionists who claim there is are privacy laws, and being strong with the blacks.

Today Trump announced to a small group of reporters after a programming meeting at NBC to finalize the next season of his hit show The Apprentice that he actually prefers black cookies. "I just don't get how people can twist the Oreo cookies apart and lick that white center," he told reporters this morning. "I twist the cookies apart and scrape that white crap off of them. That's because I'm strong with the black cookie sector."

If he was running against President Obama, recent polls indicate that 8 out of 10 African American voters would prefer Obama, despite his cookie preference. Trump shakes that off with a shrug. "It's hard for the black cookies to understand that the white creamy filling prefers them over his own kind." He flashes a smile. "Don't worry about me - when the time comes, my blacks will come through for me."

It is expected that Trump will make his bid for President official on the season finale of The Apprentice, currently scheduled for May 22. There is no word if Nabisco will officially be sponsoring Trump's potential campaign.

Philadelphia Prepares For Conflict As Philliesbot Debut Stirs Passion

Philadelphia police and Phillies security are hoping
Citizen's Bank Park remains this calm tomorrow

PHILADELPHIA, PA – City police and Citizen’s Bank Park security are prepping for potential riots occurring tomorrow as anti-robot and anti-science protesters are beginning to gather outside the ballpark in preparation for the debut of PhillieBot, a one-armed, three-wheeled android that is scheduled to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before Wednesday's game against the Milwaukee Brewers.

“This is an affront to human rights,” yelled Myles Dawson from his homemade podium outside the gates of the ball park. “At a time when we have seen thousands of jobs lost in all industries, to robots for the Phillies to show how little they care is shameful.”

Deputy Police Commissioner Richard Ross said Dawson is far from alone and that he is having the department on full alert from 4:00 a.m. Wednesday morning through 7:00 p.m.“We have seen a disturbing trend the last few years of some zealots coming out to protest Science Day and tomorrow’s event seemed to have brought them out of the woodwork,” said Ross. “I don’t know what they are concerned about; this isn’t the arrival of Skynet.”

Thirty Years Later Jessie Finally Forgives Rick Springfield About His His Girl

The Album that spawned the song which destroyed
Jessie Clairborne's life.

AUSTIN, TX – Jessie Clairborne was never famous, although many people in Sydney Australia knew instantly that the song was about him. The song drove a wedge between Clairborne and his life long friend Rick Springfield a wedge that has just recently been removed after thirty years.

The song was Jessie’s Girl, and it made Springfield an international superstar and Grammy award winning singer. It made Clairborne angry and distrustful and cost him both the girl he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with as well as his boyhood friend. “I was so angry after the song became a big hit,” explained Clairborne. “Especially when Rick included so many snapshots of our lives into the MTV video, suddenly everyone knew about our lives and at least locally and it made Rick look like he was more passionate then me.”

BREAKING NEWS - Alien Escapes Area 51; Seeks Asylum in Canada

Fred seen crossing the border of Canada from Washington
in the dead of night. His courageous escape from Area 51
shocked US officials this morning.

VANCOUVER, BC - A Canadian government official, under a condition of anonymity, has told The Pummelo that an alien has escaped from American military custody at the not-so-secret-but-we-still-pretend-it-is-a-secret-base Area 51 in Nevada and has requested political asylum in Canada. "Apparently Fred waited for the right time, dressed up as a housekeeper, and was able to escape out the front doors of Area 51," said the official.

Officially named "Fred," this alien is the only survivor of the famous Roswell, NM crash in July 1947. The Canadian official says that everyone initially survived, but that Fred's parents were killed during alien autopsies as the US government attempted to glean more knowledge from the extra-terrestrial visitors. "I don't know how he managed to survive all these years by himself," said the Canadian official. "I would have gone crazy trying to kill the people who killed my parents."

The Pummelo is currently coordinating with the Canadian government to set up an official interview with Fred. We hope to have more on this breaking story in the near future.

Ask Barnaby the British Cat

Barnaby is an expert in answering questions about love,
romance, and how to use the kitty litter properly. 

My love life has gone down the toilet. What can I do to make my ex-boyfriend like me again? - Lost in London


Dear Lost in London -
I lost my love down the toilet too. When Binky the Goldfish died last year, so did my hopes of a free meal that didn't involve dry, nasty cat food. I feel your pain. As for your ex-boyfriend, I recommend some heavy petting and purring in his ear.

Since 2008, I have lost everything: my retirement, my house, my car, and even my football team, AC St. Louis, went out of business. What do I do now? -Hopeless in the Midwest


Dear Hopeless in the Midwest: First of all, you don't have football in your country. You have soccer and it is just not the same. Secondly, when I'm down in the dumps and need a quick pick me up, I do a little hunting. Nothing says I love you like a dead rat on the front porch, and sometimes you need to tell yourself that you love yourself. After all, if you don't love you, your owner won't love you either.

I really like the girl that my best friend has a crush on. He doesn't have the courage to ask her out and I know she really digs me. How do I make this work so I don't break anyone's heart? 
- Bewildered


Dear Bewildered: I have no problem about getting love from different sources. The more people who love you, the more likely you are to get special treats. Just remember to budget your time wisely, stick your tail in the air occasionally, and do your darndest to be cute if that's where your heart is taking you.

Millions Dismayed As New .xxx Poster Is of Vin Diesel

Millions of fans of pornography have been awaiting this day for decades - they now have their own top level domain. That's right - as of April 15, 2011, the domain .xxx has become active on the internet with their first 3 websites: sex.xxx, xxx.xxx, and porn.xxx.

Jerry Gibbers was one of many who spent the morning constantly refreshing his web browser to see the first results. "There's nothing I like more with my coffee in the morning than a woman taking a DVDA right there on my computer screen," he told us.

Gibbers, along with the millions of other clickers who anxiously awaited the launch of the three new websites, had an unpleasant surprise waiting for them when the pictures were finally unveiled. "Imagine my surprise, sitting there with a handful of lotion and my coffee, when instead of a DVDA playing I get a huge stinking poster of Vin Diesel." Gibbers sighed. "It was enough to take me off of porn for a good three or four hours."

Cage Freed By Dog; Bunny Back In Box

NEW ORLEANS - Duane "Dog" Chapman is proud to call Nicolas Cage a friend. In fact, he calls him a friend so much so that he was willing to post $11,000 in bonds to free his friend this weekend after Cage reportedly made a scene when his wife refused to put the bunny back in the box.

"All I can say is that I'm doing this as a business deal - just like thousands of other business deals that I've done," Chapman said Sunday. "I've been getting hundreds of requests for interviews and no one is getting anything. He's my friend, my business helps people in trouble, end of story."

However, our sources close to this story in New Orleans say that part of the agreement made with Cage is that Chapman went over to his home and put the bunny back into the box that was causing so much controversy.

As you might remember, Cage claimed that the line was actually from a rehearsal he was performing with his wife for a purported Leaving Las Vegas 2.

Cage was processed in 8 hours by the Orleans Parish Sheriff's Office. Although people close to Chapman have used social media to criticize the time frame in length, witness Nancy LeToux still thinks this is a bunch of crock. "Me and Princess - we knew this was going to happen! If it were me, I wouldn't be out of there until maybe Tuesday! This ugly cracker gets out on a Saturday in just 8 hours? That's bigger crap than my Princess can create!"

Princess added a "Yip! Yip!" to drive the point home.

Charlie Sheen, who came to Cage's defense on Saturday, says he feels partially vindicated now that Cage has been processed and freed. "That's what winners do, baby. Winners win. We have tiger blood, man. Now that he's out, he needs to divorce that wench and go marry a tree like me."

"I'm grateful to be out and I'm grateful for the bunny to be back in the box," said Cage. "You can't hold me to what I said when I was drunk."

Fiftieth Anniversary Of Failed Invasion Reveals True Mission

Former secret agent and retired entertainer Pluto
spoke today of his long hidden role in the Bay of Pigs

ANAHEIM, CA – In a stunning development marking the fiftieth anniversary of the failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba former covert CIA operative and prominent 1950s cartoon character Pluto revealed his participation in planning of the operation that classified documents named after him.

“Fifty years is a long time,” said the single non-anthropomorphous Disney character. “I have a great many things I could reveal, but many of them are still classified and many other tales will be outlined in my autobiography released the September. Suffice it to say, I acted as an agent for the government of the United States from 1934 until 1979 and I regretfully had much to do with the failure of Operation Pluto and the Bay of Pigs failure.”

Pluto was long thought to just be a funny sidekick to the first major Toon star Mickey Mouse, but his remarks today revealed that his was just a cover and allowed him to freely travel the world as an operative. “I just have to say that there were many regrettable decisions made that April and that we should have had a better handle on the counter revolutionaries the fact of the matter is that we were not attempting to over throw the Castro government.”

EXCLUSIVE: Aliens Caught Probing Canadian Trees

Pummelo cameras caught aliens abducting this poor tree
last night, 4/16/11, just inside Regina, SK city limits.
What could these little beasties be up to?

REGINA, SK - Residents in this provincial capital have been wondering what has been happening to their trees over the last several months. Since October 2010, almost three-quarters of the trees within the city limits have simply either disappeared or been found with inexplicable malformations.

Regina Mayor Pat Fiacco contacted us via e-mail requesting The Pummelo to look into this strange phenomena. "We all like our trees up here, eh," he told us in the request. "Can you find out what is going on so that maybe we can save what trees are left?"

Upon our arrival, it was very clear that residents in this town are quite worried. Amelia Frond is one of the few homeowners that have trees left on her property. "I worry for them every night," Frond told us. "I've installed spot lights, proximity sensors, car alarms - heck, I even called ADT and had them set up an infrared monitoring system just to be safe."

Eating Building Material May Lead To Lower IQ and Terrible Cultural Tastes

Is it food or something else?

A recent study by Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, in conjunction with The Daily KOS suggests that a diet with even one half ounce of Velveeta at any point in life may lower IQ, and that a diet that allows for regular consumption of the petroleum based food and tire repair product may make one gullible and lower the IQ by two points with ever half ounce eaten, this in turn leads many to join alternative political party’s, enjoy CBS’s Monday comedy shows and follow Fox News and read World Net Daily.

The study tracked the long term health and well-being of around 214,000 individuals beginning in 2001 and 2002. Participants completed questionnaires, detailing the amount and frequency of Velveeta they consumed IQ was measured when they entered the study and at three month intervals after for an eight year period.

“This suggests that any cognitive/behavioral effects related to eating habits persist, despite any subsequent changes to dietary intake,” study author Dr. Philip Nueson said.

While it could be argued that other factors such as the socio-economic class and eduction level may be somewhat responsible for the differences in IQ. Nueson said that they accounted for other potential influential factors.

Nueson speculates that the findings could be explained by other research that shows Velveeta is not really a food product but much more of an alternative building material. “It is possible that Velveeta and good nutrition are mutually exclusive and do nothing to encourage optimal brain growth,” Nueson said.