Superman Loses Support of Huckabee and Palin After Announcment

Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin
denounce Superman at a rally in Iowa

DES MOINES, IA – In what could be an indication of their 2012 presidentail plans former governors Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee denounced Earths greatest hero, the Man of Steel, Superman for his renouncing his American citizenship.

“This is an embarrassment,” said Huckabee. “He should just leave the and go stay in his fortress if he doesn’t feel he represents our nation anymore, I’ve long felt he was a dangerous man and that his heart isn’t truly welded to ours.”

Palin took it a step further. “Do I think he is a loser now, you betcha. Do I think he should be banned from U.S. air space, you betcha, I think its time we begin looking at his past acts and how he represents egalitarianism which isn’t one of our values any way.”

Thousands of Ugly Naked People to Gather for Nude Olympics

Jake Sorgi intends to participate in the tug-of-war.

NOOSA NATIONAL PARK, QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA - In one of the greatest excuses to get naked with a bunch of other people, this weekend more than 500 competitors and maybe 2,000 spectators with binoculars will be going for personal glories when the Nude Olympics are held in Australia.

A full range of physical activities in scheduled to be held, including a tug-of-war, several lengths of beach sprints, an egg toss, and an undisclosed marathon. Also included is the very popular butt contest. There is no confirmation that a MILF contest will also be held, but sources say it is likely - most especially if several hot women decided to show up.

Jake Sorgi, 47, of San Francisco, is participating in the Olympics for the third time. "Yeah, I like to go down and set the boys free Down Under," he told us after his meditation time this morning. "There's just something liberating about getting Little Jake out to see a bunch of naked women on a beach, even if most of them aren't very hot."

There are few medals handed out, but Sorgi says it's not about fame or recognition. "It's about going out and being social," he said. "You can't do everything on Facebook these days, you know."

Sorgi intends to at least participate in the tug-of-war this year now that he has had repeat success in the conga line. "Yeah, running isn't so much for me. I like veggie burgers with vegan cheese just a little too much. However, since I'm kind of fat I'm also kind of strong, so the tug-of-war seems like a natural fit. I also want to take part in the MILF contest if they have it."

Rev. Joe Montgomery, leader of the 2,500 member congregation Christ the King church in Queensland, says he really isn't opposed to the concept. "Would I do something like this? No. But who am I to judge what other people who do not practice my faith do in their free time? If they want to let the fat get jiggy with it, then that is their prerogative. I'd rather watch a CSI rerun."

Donald Trump Reveals Himself As a Vogon

The Donald = Vogon? We can kind of
see the resemblance. Obviously the
plastic surgery couldn't help the hair
as much as the nose. 

LAS VEGAS - Last night during a profanity laced stump speech regarding everything from apples to heffalumps to woozles, Donald Trump accidentally revealed that he had to have plastic surgery done in order to make his appearance seem more human. When asked by a reporter in the crowd what that meant, Trump reportedly said, "Oh, nothing. Forget I said anything about it."

Trump also had a message for a China: "Resistance is useless!"

After his speech, Trump requested a few extra minutes in order to be allowed a poetry reading to the assembled audience. All agreed and it went like this:

Oh prefulffuled hobernockey
Whilst thou tangle me in malfunctions
I ask that granshnitzels eat their young
And dry my crankled mishvenitziens.

Doom implored to drangle and rend thou
Up to yonder clankganglians. Let it be!

Trump then reportedly took three young showgirls up to a private room for a private poetry reading that also reportedly involved having those women stick their fingers down his throat because they were so parched and needed a drink.

Ask Uncle Mike: Fat Fingered Lesbians Are the Best

Uncle Mike is our resident love expert. Leave a comment &
he'll answer your questions too!

Dear Uncle Mike:
I'm 23 years old and have been an out-of-the-closet lesbian since I was 18 when my parents caught me masturbating with a Playboy magazine in my bedroom while listening to the Foo Fighters. I love women, but I don't really understand them, and this has caused me to not have a relationship get to the point of actually becoming physically intimate - EVER. Don't get me wrong, a vibrator or the shower head is an ok substitute for the actual physical pleasure, but I'd like to be able to share it with someone once and awhile, you know? What should I look for in a woman that will not only satisfy my physical needs, but also my emotional needs? - GIJody

Health Report: The Healing Power of Chicken Nuggets

This lunch menu is overwhelming Powell, Wyoming schools.

POWELL, WY – Here in his home town a Wyoming man, Rob Tenothree, has caused quite a stir and now has the local schools scrambling to change their lunch menus. Mr. Tenothree has had a diagnosed symptom of Tinnitus for a year. Tinnitus is the perception of sound within the human ear in the absence of corresponding external sound. “It’s like livin’ in a sea shell,” said Tenothree.

But then he found a cure: Birdseye Chicken Nuggets! Eating six chicken nuggets each day has eliminated Rob’s symptoms and he’s not shy about sharing his success story to everyone in the town. “The whole town has gone chicken nugget crazy!” said Powell School District Food Services Manager Debra Bigrash. “We have kids who want nuggets for breakfast, for lunch, and then eat them for an afternoon snack. That’s too many nuggets for anyone.”

Tenothree’s family doctor, Dorothy J. Spinaz, was amazed with the progress and discounts concerns about Tenothree’s new Chicken Nugget Diet, “As long as he isn’t eating too much other animal fat, it should be okay. It’s high in sodium, but if you don’t have sodium sensitive hypertension or the tendency to retain water, that shouldn’t be a big problem.”

The local school district, however, wants Mr. Tenothree to keep his mouth shut. The high demand for chicken nuggets in schools has caused tension between parents and school officials to the point where local law enforcement needs to be on school grounds during lunch times in case the schools run out of chicken nuggets.

One upset parent went on record to say, “The schools need to make sure they have enough chicken nuggets for everyone. I don’t want my son to start hearing things like Rob (Tenothree).” Tenothree said he’s not trying to cause problems for the school district or local grocers, “I just want people to know how chicken nuggets healed me. I’m going to eat them for the rest of my life!”

From Health Correspondent Jay McClung

The Doctor Who 11 Form MLS Squad

The 3rd, 6th, & 10th Doctors are seen here at a recent
practice. Their MLS team joins the league in 2012.

NEW YORK - Despite heavy rumors that the 20th team to join Major League Soccer will be the rebooted New York Cosmos, MLS Commissioner Don Garber announced this morning that the newest expansion team, which will be joining the league in 2012 with the Montreal Impact, will play their home games in a 5th dimension of time and be made up of the 11 regenerations of Doctor Who.

"I am pleased to announce that one of the strongest soccer, futbol, and football teams ever created will be joining MLS in 2012 with the blessings of the BBC and other broadcasters," Garber told the media this morning. "After Real Salt Lake failed to make a statement for American soccer in losing the final of the CONCACAF Champions League last night, we knew it was time to step up the competition factor in our league. At the same time, the Doctors presented a very viable opportunity to promote this sport's growth and we simply cannot ignore their proposal."

Trump Thrilled With Intergalactic BDIU Award, "I Am Truly The One"

Donald Trump at the "Biggest Douche In The Universe"
awards on Dareath Four

NEW YORK, NY – Donald Trump today took pride in an award few others would, leaving many to question whether the billionaire real estate/entertainment provocateur has a firm handle on his knowledge of American English or American slang.

“I have done a great service to the American people.” Said Trump for the fiftieth time in 48 hours. “While I do not know what ‘Biggest Douche In The Universe’ actually implies, I have no doubt that I am the true one and this will significantly aid in my further ambitions for this great nation.”

Quagmar, spokesman for the Intergalactic BDIU Committee awarded Mr. Trump the award in a universal wide award presentation on Dareth Four circling the Star Dareth in the Large Magellanic Cloud galaxy, a neighbor of the Milky Way. A tall green arthropod then sang “Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the Universe!” to Mr. Trump after another extraterrestrial who appeared to be a large sponge crowned him.

Quagmar spoke to The Pummelo after and gave Earth both credit for the award and perhaps a warning. “Until Earther stardate 2006, we had in our 10,000 years of existence never given this award to any being in the Milky Way,” it explained. “This will be the third time since then your planet received the award, and this year all nominees were from your planet. In fact, all appear to be candidates in something called the ‘Tea Party Republicans’. I congratulate you for this increased obnoxiousness and we guarantee there will be little if any contact from members of the Intergalactic Union, we do not desire this toxin.”

Trump appeared on CNN last night to further congratulate himself and share the large gleaming douche he had won.

Terminator 5 Green-lighted - Arnold & Ronny To Be Age Regressed

A potential T5 movie poster in the works already?

LOS ANGELES - Justin Lin has confirmed that he is in talks with studios, along with Arnold Schwarzenegger, to bring another Terminator movie to the big screen - hopefully by 2014. It is expected that Universal is likely to partner on the film as soon as a script is finalized and ready for shooting.

Even though no details have officially been released regarding the pending movie script, The Pummelo has learned that a key component of a T5 movie must include age regression used in Terminator: Salvation for the Terminator character, as well as the introduction of a younger Ronald Reagan as a primary Skynet creation. "I have always respected President Reagan and have wanted to give him a tribute," Lin told us. "What better tribute would there be then putting him into one of the most successful movie franchises ever as an evil villain working on behalf of Skynet to eradicate the human race?"

LifeLock: "Obama is Screwed" [UPDATED AFTER THE JUMP]

The White House released Obama's
birth certificate to the public this morning...
and this evening, LifeLock has refused to
continue honoring their services

THE WHITE HOUSE - Whether you care about where President Obama was born or whether you care if Donald Trump is the one who pushed the issue and possibly gets credit for it or whether you care if the released certificate, seen here, is truly authentic, one this is for certain...

Identity thieves tonight are licking their chops at the released information to the general public.

LifeLock, an organization that assists in protecting identities, was shocked to see the long form birth certificate flash up on the news wire this morning. "We made a name for ourselves by publishing a social security number, but this is ridiculous," said a company source, who wished to remain anonymous considering they were speaking with us. "How can you protect someone's identity and credit when they keep making all their private information public?"

In fact, LifeLock has taken the unusual step of cancelling the Obama's membership. "We feel that there is simply way too much information out there that is public. Because Mr. Obama chose to do this on his own accord, we've decided that it is not feasible to insure his identity any longer," the company source told us.

President Obama had no official comment, but unofficially was quite irate. "I pay $10 a month to have my identity protected from thieves and now that money has been stolen from me!" he declared behind closed doors this evening. "Now what am I supposed to tell my wife and children?"

Donald Trump continued his public relations attack toward the Obama's when he sniffed the story in the breeze. "If you ask me, Obama was just trying to collect on the maximum $1 million policy should his identity be stolen," he told reporters during dinner at Nobu. "If he wanted to make a quick million, all he needed to do was sell some of the gold in Fort Knox. I mean, have you seen how much that shiny stuff has gone up in the last few days? It's worth a few pennies here and there, you know?"

Republican officials state that they have more important things to focus on - like cutting the budget. "We want to go back to the spending levels of the 1990's," said Speaker John Boehner, "back when times were prosperous."

Wasn't that during the Clinton Administration? "We don't talk about things like who was in charge or who decided what," Boehner informed us sternly.

Identity thief Willard Anonymous summed up the whole situation this way: "I can't wait until I get my new 71" LCD flat screen bought and paid for by the President of the United States. I'm even going to have the Presidential Seal engraved on the front of the TV so that everyone will always know where I got the money."

Japanese Man Arrested For Bad Bon Jovi Impression

Kiri was arrested for singing karaoke
last night at Lou's Lanes.

MILWAUKEE, WI - It was a normal night at Lou's Lanes, a bowling alley on 2nd Street in Milwaukee, last night. The leagues were doing their thing, the pool sharks were doing their thing, and in was karaoke night in the lounge. In other words, it was Kenson Kiri's favorite night of the week.

Kiri performs his version of Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," first on every karaoke night. "I sing it to remember where I used to be to where I am today," Kiri told us exclusively. "It helps me keep in touch with my past self and push my future self forward."

Last night was different, however, for Kiri. He was in the middle of performing "It's My Life" when a fat white man with a bowling brace on his left hand apparently took offense to Kiri's performance.

"I saw him from the stage," said Kiri. "First he flipped me off, then he started swearing, and then he took a picture. I saw him stalk off after that and didn't think anything more of it."

"I guess he must have called the police after taking my picture, though."

Big Nostrils Lead to Unemployment, Loss of Coverage, and Depression



Anita Richman is slowly recovering
from her incident with superglue

Women with big nostrils have struggled greatly under the U.S. health care system, according to a Rodeo Drive

study referenced by lookingdownmynose.com. A disturbing case in point is Anita Richman, a Santa Monica woman who had to quit her job after being diagnosed with Big Nostrils Syndrome and consequently lost her health insurance coverage due to excessive medical costs.

Richman promptly enrolled in Medicaid, and then “lost her coverage because of budget reductions to the program,” according to the official denial letter from Medicaid. Richman resisted going to the hospital when symptoms of depression set in, citing a lack of insurance, but was rushed there anyway when a neighbor found her trying to close the gaping holes in her nose with superglue.

Richman was admitted to a mental health facility just a few months later; however, primarily it was from not tending to her symptoms with the help of a psychiatrist until it was too late. A close family member of Richman's, who asked to remain anonymous, stated, “Sure Anita sleeps well and has her own built in Breathe-Right strip, but nobody wants to stare down a wind tunnel while talking to her.”

From Health Correspondent Jay McClung

Buddha Has Had Enough

Statues of Buddha have begun transforming worldwide

COTIA, BRAZIL - Statues across the world that reflect Siddhārtha Gautama are taking on different forms today to reflect the Supreme Buddha's displeasure that no one has been able to achieve the 4th tenet of his teachings.

Experts are puzzled by the fact that the statues, many which have sat in the hot sun, searing cold, monsoon rains, and the occasional golf ball sized hail for years without any complaint, have now started showing signs of displeasure. "I've never seen anything like it," statue expert Jay Sears told the press this morning. "Normally you don't see man-made materials that have been formed into specific shapes shift their posture independently."

The faithful have their own ideas as to these recent events. "Apparently there is disgust with the Supreme Buddha's life energy as no one has been able to discover the true nature of reality," a nameless monk told us from the Sera Monastery in Tibet, "and that many have split off from practicing the authentic teachings and cannot find the middle path."

"Truth be told, all this chaos has me a little flustered too. I must go meditate some more to center myself."

Entrepreneur Concerned About The Epidemic of Eating Disorders Creates Superfood

Woolprick's Healthy Does It Bagel Brick^®

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Coming on the heels of a recent study that revealed African Mangos burn an average of 12.3 pounds of fat every 28 days, a local delicatessen is marketing its new product to promote an alternative for people with eating disorders.

Similar to a bread stick, the Healthy Does It Bagel Brick^® has been designed and streamlined for adults or teenagers who are always on the go. “It doesn’t need to be heated up like a Hot Pocket. You just rip the wrapper off and start eating,” said product inventor Josh Woolprick. “Our vision is to help people with eating disorders who are always on the go. The boney and dehydrated swimsuit model look is out. People need to start looking normal like they did when I was kid.”

The Healthy Does It Bagel Brick^® is rectangular shaped bagel with cream cheese sandwiched in the middle; for all you health nuts, that’s 40 grams of fat and tons of carbohydrates crammed into convenient on-the-go package. Healthy Does It Bagel Brick^® only offers white and wheat bagels with plain cream cheese at the moment but more choices will be made available in the near future.

“We’re looking to add Blueberry, Chocolate Chip, and Cinnamon Raison bagels along with Strawberry, Honey Nut, Apple Cinnamon, and Salmon cream cheese,” announced Woolprick. When asked about his marketing war with the African Mango, Mr. Woolprick stated, “Who wants to eat some weird African fruit when you can have a great American Bagel? People need to start putting some meat on their bones!”

From Pummelo Health Correspondent Jay McCLung

Woman Saddened That Tiger Beat Still Published



Tiger Beat 1980



BATON ROUGE, LA – While perusing the magazine rack at the local Barnes & Noble today Debbie Crawford was shocked to discover that Tiger Beat was still being published.



“You could have knocked her over with a feather,” said her sister and shopping partner Angie DeLuise. “Of course she has spent the last 30 years traveling around the world with the Navy and then her ex-husband Maurice so she hasn’t really kept up.”

The cover of the April edition of the magazine though is what seemed to really upset Crawford. “Really I’d like to know who these people are,” she asked. “Really Taylor Lautner, the Jonas Brothers and worse a girl Victoria Justice!” Crawford found a chair to set down in and flipped through the magazine and seemed to become more exasperated with every page.

Tiger Beat 2011



“They have this, I’m not sure but odd looking guy Robert Patinson and his girlfriend Kristen from a bunch of movies called ‘Twilight’ what kind of silliness when I was a girl we didn’t want to know if they dated!”

DeLuise watched her sister closely concerned regarding her reaction might be to cover boy and center fold Justin Bieber. “She really hasn’t been to invested in pop culture,” whispered DeLuise. “My girls are off at college and we don’t watch a lot of T.V. at home, she honestly may not know who the Biebs is.”

The moment DeLuise was waiting for came with a sigh rather than an outburst

“Hmm they sure seem to be all about this little kid Justin,” remarked Crawford. “Why I can’t imagine he looks like a brunette Adam Rich.”

Finally putting the magazine down Crawford looked at her sister and sighed, “I don’t know why they try, heartthrobs hit their apex in 1980, we had Rick Springfield, John Schneider and of course Scott Baio. This is just another sign that we’ve fallen apart as a country.”

Coalition Of Dirty Little Freaks Sue Pink For Slander

Dirty Little Freak spokesman Jake MOFO with friend

LAS VEGAS, NV – A coalition of Dirty Little Freaks filed a slander suit against the singer/entertainer Pink in Nevada Superior court today.

“Her song ‘Raise Your Glass’ has become this anthem,” said group spokesman Jake MOFO. “I’ve heard it was even featured on that show Glee and that’s irresponsible, identifying Dirty Little Freaks with drinking is just wrong and damages our reputation.”

The song, released in October of 2010, reached number one on Billboard’s United States pop and adult rock charts and has been legally downloaded three million times. MOFO, who changed his name legally in 2008 from Horowitz, says that the first time they heard the song they were pleased because it was a rocking anthem, and it seemed to endorse “Being wrong in all the right ways.”

“But then we really listened to it, yeah we should have noticed the songs title but whatever, the point is that we may be Dirty Little Freaks but we aren’t drunks we don’t need to indulge to get our freak on and enjoy life,” explained MOFO. “This song declares we all act like this and that’s wrong in all the wrong ways.”

Representatives for Pink and her songwriter/producer partners Max Martin and Shellback declined comment this morning, only saying, “these folks are party crashers and penny snatchers.”

Ask Barnaby: Give the Gift of Headless Mice

Barnaby the British Cat is our expert on all things
British. Like bad teeth.

Dear Barnaby the British Cat: I'm just an average American living the average American life. I like to eat McDonald's for breakfast, Burger King for lunch, and get some Chinese at a nice hole in the wall place in my hometown. I understand that there is a wedding that is supposed to be coming up in Great Britain and from what I understand, the general public is invited to view the wedding either in person, on television, on YouTube, or if you can't manage any of that, Fox News. I don't want to attend a wedding without bringing an appropriate gift. What would you suggest I get a royal couple that makes 30 times more than I do, has a house bigger than my town, and has 28 whiter teeth than me? -Wondering and Waiting.

Charlie Sheen's Sims 3 Character Contracts Syphilis

Donnafelipe1 caught Sheen in an almost sober mood
moments before going out to party for Easter.

SMISBURY, SIMS NATION - Charlie Sheen is winning on The Sims. In fact, Winning made it to Broadway, he was a big rock star, and had all the girls he ever wanted.

That kind of lifestyle pays a price, unfortunately, and it has caught up with Sheen on The Sims. His doctor, Mable Reedly, has disclosed that Sheen has managed to contract syphilis, possibly in a flashback tribute to the movie 1984 or maybe because his Sims character has reportedly slept with over 2,000 Sims women.

"Sheen came to see me because he was concerned that there may be a Sim chancre on his Sim genitals. After examining the material of the Sim chancre and giving him a Sim blood test, I can confirm that Sheen has a syphilis infection. He is currently receiving treatment and should be able to live what he considers to be a normal life."

Rare Book in Utah Just a 2nd Edition Nancy Drew

SANDY, UT - Rumors of a rare book turning up at a small museum fair have turned out to be greatly exaggerated as The Pummelo gained an exclusive photograph of the book from the rare book shop where it is being house. Instead of a copy of the Nuremberg Chronicle, what turned up was a revised, 2nd Edition of The Secret of the Old Clock, #1 in the Nancy Drew series.

Museum curator John Paul John admits that the press release and photographs were fakes and pulled from the internet. "I just wanted to get some additional publicity for our little museum," said John. "I've seen blogs publish articles of fake news before and have those articles go viral... that's all I wanted here."

People started getting suspicious about having a 500 year old book show up in the Salt Lake City region. "I can see maybe a 200 year old copy of The Book of Mormon or something, but there ain't no way a Nuremberg Chronicle is going to show up in the interior West," said rare book dealer Robert Bandley. "You're going to find old books in London, New York, Paris... not Sandy, Utah. It's just not going to happen and it didn't.

The good news for John is that the revised 2nd edition Nancy Drew #1 is not a fake and routinely sells for $11.66 on Amazon.com. John flashes a sheepish smile. "At least that would be $11.66 for our little town museum that we didn't have before. And we've got lots of publicity now. I'd say we've all done a good job."

Morgue Attendants Arrested For Using Eyes As Marbles

Hector Lewis [left] & Zack Markon caught in their
favorite pastime for the last couple of years. "You have
to do something to pass the time at night as a morgue
attendant," said Markon. "It gets boring here."

LITTLE ROCK, AR - A community is in shock this weekend as a Pummelo hidden camera exclusive has capture two overnight morgue attendants, Hector Lewis and Zack Markon, desecrating bodies in their facility by removing the eyes and then playing a morbid game of marbles with the eyes.

Public rage has been swift. Georgia Washington was in horrid shock when she saw the photographs. "My boy George was shot and killed just two weeks ago - if that wasn't bad enough, these two crackers probably took out my boys eyes to play their stupid game. I hope they rot in prison for a long time!"

According to our exclusive photographs, Lewis and Markon would bet Yu-Gi-Oh! and Magic: The Gathering cards on the outcome of their little game. "We never thought about there being anything wrong with it," Markon was quoted as saying as he was lead out of the morgue in handcuffs. "They're already dead, you idiots!"

Easter Bunny Captured In Arizona

Clayton Hayes with the captured rabbit,
reputed to be the legendary Easter Bunny

TUCSON, AZ – Justin Hayes' parents were shocked this morning to discover they had wasted several hours over the last three years dying and hiding eggs. The revelation came about because Justin and his uncle Clayton successfully trapped the legendary bunny who hides eggs each Easter.

“I thought it was a myth, a fanciful story,” said Eric Hayes, Justin’s father. “We’ve been told stories for generations, and my grandfather even explained how Br'er Rabbit, Uncle Wiggly, Peter Cottontail and Bugs helped and aided the Easter Bunny, so this comes as a complete shock”

The discovery was made when Justin, 8, came leaping and bounding into his parents room full of enthusiasm and joy.

“He was screaming about how they had caged the Easter Bunny,” said Anna Hayes. “We tried to get him to calm down and refocus but he just kept pulling on us and finally convinced us to come outside and there Clayton stood with this massive rabbit.”

Anna is unconvinced the giant rabbit is truly the Easter Bunny but currently has only one alternate theory.

“I’m sure that we captured something from a lab escape, I’m sure this fine animal was freed by the Animal Liberation Front,” explained Anna.

Regardless no other eggs have been found in a four mile radius from the Hayes home and only scattered reports of egg discovery to the south. However attempts to communicate with the rabbit have thus far been a failure for the Hayes as the rabbit seems to only want carrots and cabbage and is otherwise silent.