You Don't Know Talent When You See It!

http://mjranum-stock.deviantart.com/

I get that you're the boss. I get that you have revenues that you must consider. I want to tell you something though - you don't know what you're missing, baby. I was going to be the next Smallville. I was going to be the next CSI - not Miami, not New York, and not after Grissom left.

To borrow a line from someone enjoying his 15 minutes right now, you'd be winning.

There aren't many hot chicks left on television these days - much less hot checks wearing superhero costumes. You would dominate the 18-49 male demographic. You could have sold beer commercials, tequila commercials, action figures, role playing games, and fake pornos all day and made a killing. Now... now you're going to miss out on something special.

You thought crime increased dramatically when you got rid of Darkwing Duck? That's nothing in comparison to what is going to happen now. I ain't working for free and I sure ain't getting into that costume for free. Think about what you've done while I watch some douchebag rob a grandma from my fifth floor balcony in my robe and slippers.

Go ahead and cancel my pilot - see if I care. People will still love me despite what you say. I've been in the hearts and minds of men worldwide since 1941 - the only thing you've done is create a ton of Law & Order sequels. I defeated the Nazis - you're worried about Sunday Night Football coming on the air.

That's right, baby. I'm hot - you're not. Hope you enjoy being a loser.

Black Hole Reminiscent of Bad Simpsons Episode

The 1st authenticated photograph of a black hole's interior.
It looks curiously like the Simpson's 3-D episode vortex.
www.digital-delight.ch

LOS ANGELES, CA - The first true pictures of the interior of a black hole's event horizon are starting to come back thanks to the upgraded Hubble Telescope and these photographs have been greeted with high levels of energy and excitement that permeated the campus of UCLA.

That is, until the last photograph came in, which is the only photograph know to exist of the actual black hole portal. Lead scientist Maxwell P. Murphy, Professor of Quantum Mechanics, groaned loudly for almost a minute straight after seeing the photograph. "It's almost exactly like the 3-D episode of the Simpson's when Homer comes to our Earth," he said, the disappointment very evident in his voice. "So much for a great scientific discovery that will get my name mentioned for the next 200 years."

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, was absolutely thrilled to hear the news. "We've always tried to be on the forefront of everything that we do, from making fun of Christians to making fun of football players to making fun of our critics. To add "Scientific Prophet" list puts me into the same category as Gene Roddenberry, and that's going to make 2011 a great year!"

States Start Requiring Brassieres For Flagrant Tree Cleavage

Trees will no longer be allowed to brazenly
show their wares as this pine is

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Today Indiana became the ninth state in the U.S., joining Nevada, Texas, Pennsylvania, Maine, South Dakota, North Dakota, Iowa and Missouri as states requiring trees to have covering for their desirables. With this new law, all trees with exposed cleavage and/or nipples must be brassiered to protect the decency of the individual.

Indiana State Statute #10093-2011 was passed in the house 73-27 and in the senate 68-32. The contentious law caused the legislature to be held over by Governor Mitch Daniels for a period of two weeks from the normal session closure date of April 29.

Senator Ronald Grooms of Jeffersonville City introduced the bill that became law earlier this session after what he said were hundreds of complaints from his constituents.

“This is a triumph for moral decency,” said Grooms in a press release. “The parents and good people of the state of Indiana can be assured that they will not be met with indecent and frankly disgusting displays of natural tree augmentation and disfigurement when they traverse the parks or wilderness.”

As the law reads any tree that has cleavage, a split of limbs, or nippling, a protrusion from a missing branch or other disfigurement, will be covered by natural looking cloth. State Forestry Department Chairman William Bradford Callias though is resistant and frankly resentful of the new law. “This is a sad day for the state,” said Callias. “The fact that there are eight other states that participate in this nonsense, including Nevada makes me belligerent, I want to throw people from the top of trees now.”

Callias explained that as long as there are strip clubs in any state, as long as there are internet providers allowing sites such as http://www.ecups.com/ then anyone worried about showoff trees was blind. Pastor Leonard Chilton of the Jeffersonville Church of Prophecy disagrees however. “I feel this is a true service to the people of the state and soon I hope we will get this passed on a federal level,” said Chilton. “Those things mentioned are not decent but are monitored, trees though are out there baring their lurid and lascivious behavior for all to see, moral adults and impressionable children, and we have to insure their protection.”

Bin Laden: "I Really Like Halle Berry"

Photo by DigitalShay

ABOTTABAD, PAKISTAN - The Obama Administration today released more details about the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, including the fact that despite not having an internet connection, bin Laden's computer contained several pornographic movies.

The Pummelo's sources on the ground in Abottabad have confirmed this account - however, there is just one video in several different languages. Specifically, the movie is Monster's Ball, starring Halle Berry.

"Osama really loved Halle Berry," our source tells us. "It was not a secret to those who knew him. If you wanted to get on his good side for some reason, all you had to do was give him a new picture of Halle and he was good for like a week."

Billy Bob Thornton, who is involved in bin Laden's purportedly favorite scene, looked mortified when he was told the news. "The greatest terrorist in the world was looking at my naked body?" Thornton shivered. "I've done some creepy stuff in my day with [Angelina] Jolie, especially in Iowa, but this takes the cake for me."

We told Thornton that bin Laden was more interested in Berry. Thornton wiped his brown. "Wow - good. You all had me worried there for a second."

Berry could not be reached for comment.

Blogger's Black Hole Swallows The Pummelo's Black Hole Posts

The only known picture of the rare black hole known as
the Suckitallupitus.

PUMMELO HQ - As you may or may not know, Blogger went down yesterday for maintenance, encounter issues, and ended up having to be down for almost 24 hours in read only mode. Our sources have confirmed that the issue Blogger faced with its servers is a rare form of black hole called Suckitallupitus.


"The Suckitallupitus black hole is the most rare form of black hole one can ever encounter," Stephen Hawking told us by thought computer over the telephone this afternoon. "It is able to induce other black holes to cross it's event horizon without damage and absorb all of the information the other black holes possess."

"It is probably the most powerful naturally occurring phenomena in the universe," Hawking continued. "We should all feel privileged to be alive right now."

The Pummelo was not left out in experiencing the effects of the Suckitallupitus. In fact, all of The Pummelo's features involving black holes were targeted by the Suckitallupitus - forever disappearing into the maw of the great event horizon. Barnaby the British Cat, correspondent on all things British, was quite disappointed to hear that his advice regarding stuffing things into black holes was sucked up. "It makes me wonder why I answer questions at all," Barnaby said. "But then I get my cat food and my paycheck and I'm happy again."

In addition to Barnaby's advice column, the Suckitallupitus was able to obtain the post regarding event horizons looking like a bad Simpsons episode, as well as one of the greatest lines ever posted on this blog ["I bet Stephen Hawking is turning over in his wheelchair right now]. Charlie Samuels, who accused a black hole of taking things out of the Mets' clubhouse and depositing them into his friend's basement in Connecticut had this to say: "See, this shit is real!"

Hawking says that the information may not be completely lost. "Sometimes the Suckitallupitus digests too much information and it vomits it back out of the event horizon. But I wouldn't count on it - especially if you were making fun of me in one of those posts."

Bottom line: we at The Pummelo now believe very much in karma.

EXCLUSIVE: Harold Camping's Math Teacher Goes Into Hiding

Harold Camping's math teacher talked
with us exclusively before secluding
himself in the greater Detroit area.

DETROIT, MI - May 21, 2011 is right around the corner and as thousands of people who think they are Christians prepare for a rapture, one man is preparing for the long haul of criticism and is already hiding out. He granted one last interview with us here at The Pummelo before completing his intended disappearance off the planet.

Who is this man? Harold Camping's 10th grade math teacher, John Gates. Below is the text from our interview:

Pummelo [P]: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.


Gates: You're welcome. I strive to teach the truth and you and your blog speak the truth, so I knew you would publish my point of view without manipulating it any.


P: Of course! There's way too much censorship in the world these days and we're all about presenting the news as it is, how it is. Why are you planning on going into hiding?


Gates: Harold is basing his Biblical theology on mathematics and assumption - with more of the latter than the former.


P: That seems a little weak. That's like a student telling you that the dog ate their homework.

Oregon Man Apparently Refuses To Leave Nest

Oregon wildlife officers and biologists are curious about man's
refusal to leave nest.

MOSIER, OR – Oregon state biologists are having a very difficult time with a resident of Eighteenmile Island who refuses to leave the nest.

The apparently 22 to 26 year old man has been living with gulls on the island for approximately 20 years, according to wild life officer Mile Lewis.

“He has always been there, I honestly don’t know his name, actually its kind of funny now that I think about it but I don’t know if he has any family or why he is there, frankly he just always has been there so I never thought much about it,” explained Lewis.

For most of the local residents the unknown man has just been a standard part of their lives for over twenty years always being with the flocks of gulls that live on the nine acre island.

It wasn’t until recently when biologist Cathy Wilkesbarrie started doing her doctoral thesis on the birds of the Hood River that any thought had been put into why a human was living wild and feral on one of Oregon’s wilderness islands. “This whole situation is really bizarre,” said Wilksbarrie. “I was on the beach cataloguing birds and filming them when I saw this naked man, sort of cowering near a rock, I thought maybe I had happened on a sun bather but the truth was he had no communication skills except to mimic the birds. I tried to coerce him out but I couldn’t - it took weeks.”

Just a week ago after trying all spring Wilksbarrie was finally able to get the wild birdman to dress in warmer clothes, but he has no way to speak and he immediately ran back to be with the flocks. “I just don’t understand this,” said Wilksbarrie. “Why hasn’t someone reported this, or done something, or for that matter why haven’t the birds forced him from the nest? Seems like he is no different than most 20 something men and wants to stay at home.”

Former Mets Manager Claims Black Hole Stole Memorabilia

This black hole is accused of stealing $2.3 million worth of
New York Mets memorabilia.

NEW YORK - Former Mets longtime clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels was arraigned this morning on charges that he amassed over $2 million worth of New York Mets memorabilia over his 27 years with the team and then was released with a $75,000 bond.

Samuels denies the charges. "I tried to report that they were missing, but no one ever listens to me. I'm just the clubhouse manager. 27 years I tried to tell them that a mysterious force was stealing their stuff and not a word. Now it's all on me and that's not right."

Samuels told the court that a mysterious black hole from the past would show up at random times in the Mets clubhouse and would suck up equipment, supplies, uniforms, and random autographs, and then disappear just as mysteriously as it appeared in the first place. "How can you stop something that sucks up everything in its path?" Samuels questioned rhetorically. "That's not part of the job description - stopping black holes."

Health Brief: Breast Bonding As An Aid To Discipline

A strong supporter of new breast feeding philosphy.

RED BLUFF, CA – Inspired by a study in the Archives of Disease in Childhood journal, a mother in Red Bluff, California is taking matters into her own hands. A recent study by British researches states that, “Babies who are breast-fed are less likely to grow into children with behavior problems by the time they reach the age of five than those who receive formula milk.”

Inspired, Mary Wiltryut is making every attempt to help her eight year old son. “I’ve tried just about everything I can think of to get him to behave but nothing works. So I’m hoping this will help him.”

Wiltryut, a single mother of two, says that since she no longer produces breast milk, she will place a bottle with whole milk inside a nursing bra so that there can be some positive bonding between parent and child. “Ever since he was in preschool, my son has been a holy terror,” Wiltryut said. “He won’t listen to anyone and is always defiant. I can’t even get him to turn off the TV to eat dinner so I have to bring him his dinner to the couch.”

Wiltryut added she has even placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a nursing mother to help her, but no one responded. “That’s when I came up with the idea of the bottle and a nursing bra,” she said.

Local school officials had no comment when asked about Wiltryut’s new remedy for her son, a special education student with an emotional and behavior disability. “Those Special Education people at school aren’t fixing him so I stopped asking them for help,” Mary commented, “I’m just thankful those British people are giving us ideas to help our kids.”

Provided by Pummelo Health Correspondant Jay McClung

Care Bears Unveil New Weapon 10 Years in the Making

Grumpy's Caring Rainbows are ready for action.

CARE-A-LOT - The Care Bears have decided that they are sick to death of the world not caring and are going to do something about it.

"We've had something in development for awhile now," Cheer Bear tells us. "Grumpy has been working quite feverishly for a number of years in creating a new tool for us to help the world start caring once again."

This tool, called a Caring Rainbow, has the power to turn hatred into love. Funshine Bear is quite proud of Grumpy's work. "The triggering point for all of us was the terrorist attacks on 9/11," said Funshine. "There was so much uncaring in the world at that moment and we couldn't do anything about it. Now that Grumpy has had 10 years to perfect his Caring Rainbows, we know that nothing like that will ever happen again as long as we all do our jobs."

Ask Uncle Mike: Put On a Chastity Belt

Uncle Mike is our resident love expert. He likes getting
questions because he likes getting paychecks.

Dear Uncle Mike: 
I recently saw this Law & Order: SVU episode that was about reproductive abusers. Essentially what happens is that a guy takes a condom, puts a pin hole into it, and then OOPS it broke and the woman has a chance to get pregnant. Now Uncle Jessie from Full House apparently had 47 kids worldwide and that's a lot for even a FLDS member, but that's not my concern right now. I want to know how I can stop a man from abusing me reproductively because I like to have crazy public sex and don't need the hassle of getting pregnant from some random dude who would likely know more about changing the oil in his car than changing diapers in 9 months. What can I do to give myself an extra level of protection? - Feeling Unsafe

Plank In Your Eye: 5/10/11

Plank In Your Eye © 2011 - Graeme Sandlin & James Blatter
It will appear whenever we get around to making it... like today.
Feel free to republish with a link back to this blog.
Violators, if found, will be tarred and feathered.

Delusional Man Claims He Was Speaker Of The House, Wants To Be President

This delusional man will appear on "In Search Of....."
to announce Presidential ambitions.

NEW YORK, NY – An apparently delusional man with bad hair claiming to be the former Speaker of the House of Representatives will appear on the Fox News program “In Search Of….” Hosted by Sean Hannity.

The delusional man, who says his name is Newt Gingrich, has spent several years wandering around America and occasionally standing on corners and spouting nonsense to anyone who would listen, and on slow news days he would appear on local news stations.

Gingrich insists that he was a congressman and was at one time in the 1990’s was elected Speaker. While it is true that the Republicans controlled Congress for a time in the 1990’s and there is some video record that a badly coifed, raving man might have actually been Speaker, many of the official records of the time have been destroyed due to a Federal Government shutdown in 1995 and two consecutive Presidents who shredded records to hide their malfeasance.

Regardless of evidence, Gingrich insists that not only was he speaker, but he has a clear plan to return America to a solid economic standard - and it begins by removing the sitting President from office. “I think Obama gets up every morning with a world view that is fundamentally wrong about reality,” Gingrich said while asking for change. “If you look at the continuous denial of reality, there has got to be a point where someone stands up and says that this is just factually insane.”

Gingrich continued to pontificate while people run to avoid him. “Will Gingrich take it back in 2012? The American people may take it back, in which case I may or may not be the recipient of that, but I have zero doubt that the American people will take it back”

When asked about his guest, Hannity became very theatric, a modern Barnum, insisting his guest would be great, as both a guest and president. “I am excited to have Speaker Gingrich on the show, if for no other reason to hear more about the Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior of the Chupacabra.”

Flags Lowered For Lost Sock Memorial Day

Vice-President Joe Biden speaking on Lost Sock Memorial Day

WASHINGTON D.C. – At 12:00 p.m. Eastern Time today flags were dropped to half mast at laundromats around the country today in recognition of Lost Sock Memorial Day. This special day was originally set aside in 1956 by President Dwight Eisenhower as a special day to briefly look for missing socks from a matched pair and if not found spend a minute reflecting upon how warm and comforting the missing socks were. President Eisenhower also suggested that the missing socks either be thrown out or sent to a fabric shop so they could be unraveled and recycled.

Vice-President Joe Biden spoke for a short time from the White House Press Room at the time of the flag lowering and reemphasized Eisenhower’s beliefs. “I think it is important to both recognize how these socks once made us feel, safe and comforted but also to let them go and yes I feel strongly that if at all possible the single socks should be sent to Goodwill Industries Textile Mills for unraveling and recycling.” Biden added that this recycling allowed the beloved fabric to be remade into another comforting garment that would be enjoyed by other people. 

Gerald Cotton of P&B Textiles and Brian Wallace, President of the Coin Laundry Association also released a joint statement of support for the day and honored a moment of silence and added that P&B Textiles would be collecting socks at laundromats and cleaners around the country for memorial recreation.

Albuquerque Finally Fixes Left Turn

Now Bugs Bunny has no excuses as the
city of Albuquerque has finally fixed the
intersection that has driven people nuts for
almost 70 years.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM - It may have taken almost 50 years, several million pennies and nickels, and the ambitious efforts of three generations of the same Albuquerque family, but it has finally happened - much to the joy of locals and those worldwide. Albuquerque has finally fixed the left turn at Johnson and Arroyo that has caused literally millions of people to miss their turn and wind up in strange places never intended.

Nery Rodriguez started the campaign to fix the left turn almost 50 years ago to the day today. "It's just a pleasure to see it through," Rodriguez told us exclusively this morning. "I would see so many people blow through that intersection and get lost for days, months, or even years at a time." He pauses briefly to wipe a tear from his eye. "Now I can finally rest in peace because we have done right by the rest of the world."

Nery's daughter Lola Rodriguez Hunter took up the cause as soon as she graduated from college in 1989 with a degree in city planning. "My father had such a passion to make sure this wrong was righted. I had to help him see it to its conclusion, whether good or bad."

Rodriguez and Hunter spent several years lobbying the city planners, leaders of the city government, and even private property owners in the area of the intersection to put up some sort of sign with no avail. It was not until Hunter's daughter Destiny joined in that true progress began to get made.

Suicide Warnings Required At Gas Pumps in Chicago

CHICAGO, IL - With the average price for a gallon of gasoline reaching near $4.50 in the greater Chicagoland area, gas station owners are scrambling to become compliant to a new city ordinance requiring the sticker seen with this article after a Michigan couple was found dead in their car outside a Naperville, IL gas station thanks to ingesting gasoline.

"I never thought I'd have to put up a warning sticker like this," said gas station owner Louis Phillips of Bridgeview. "I know that high gas prices affect people's lives, but now we're getting to the point where they don't know what to do any more. It's sad."

The city of Chicago mandated the sticker be placed at every station located in Chicago proper or any of it's official suburbs. Greg Williams, 32, who lives on Michigan Avenue thinks this is just another waste of money. "If you're dumb enough to kill yourself over the price of gasoline, then you deserve to die. Stop using my tax money to fund ridiculous programs like these!"

Phillips thinks it's a good idea, especially since prices are falling nationwide on average, but not in Chicago. He thinks that is the main part of the problem. "People here in Chicago see that people's lives are improving across the country, but then they see that their prices have gone up and it's like they lose that last little bit of hope," said Phillips. "I feel sorry for the poor bastards."

If this initiative is successful in Chicago, several other cities with high gas prices, including Honolulu, Anchorage, and Pismo Beach are expected to follow Chicago's lead. "The goal is to save lives," Phillips tells us. "You might disagree with the process, but you can't disagree with the fact that every life is important."

Williams begs to differ. "Let all the idiots die!"