Detroit Forced To Adapt Robocop Division In Struggling Economy

New "Robocop" Officer Pioter Ramses

DETROIT, MI – It has long been known that Detroit is struggling worse then most major cities with the long recession and prolonged weak national economy. However few outside the city really knew how deep in red tape the city is, until today’s unveiling of the newest member of the legendary Robocop Division.

Mayor Dave Bing introduced OCP Crime Prevention Unit 012 at a morning press conference and addressed some of the correlating issues.

“As you know Omni Consumer Products has gone out of business now that Chapter 11 reorganization has failed,” said Bing. “With that so did a great deal of our funding and tech support for the program.”

Bing went on to explain that grants and support from the Department of Defense helped maintain the OCP Division, but at less then half the cost previously. However, he insisted that it would go forward and that technological improvements since 1987, as well as the introduction of the Murphy unit, meant that the newest OCP Officer was more than capable of dealing with Detroit’s growing gang problem.

“We will continue to rebuild this great city,” said Bing. “Now I would like to introduce Officer Pioter Ramses, who will be the leader of our renaissance as a city and champion against crime.”

“Um, good mornig,” Ramses said in a stilted computer assisted voice. “I would just like to thank Mayor Bing and the OCP doctors and team for this opportunity.”

Ramses then responded to a call in the Delta City region and began his new life. Dr. David Rush then stepped forward to explain that much of the new weaponry didn't actually do anything except produce sound and noise which is why the officer with the best physical condition on the force was chosen. "Let's face it," said Rush. "Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, and when faced with Pete's appearance and a working foam gun they'll give up... we hope."

Discrimination Against Toddlers Rampant at Pizza Hut

Tristan Walker had a bad Pizza Hut experience.

MADISON, WI - Tristan Walker walked into his local Pizza Hut with his parents Jeff & Mandy hopeful for a fun family lunch that involved pizza, no salad bar, and at least three caffeinated sodas. What he got shocked both him and his family.

"The waitress treated me liked I wasn't there," Tristan told us. "Just because I'm almost 3 doesn't mean that I don't have something to say."

Jeff was equally surprised by the behavior of the waitress. "She kept asking me what Tristan wanted to eat and drink like he wasn't even there. It made me so uncomfortable that I had to get up and get one of those red and white peppermints before the meal to calm myself down."

"The worst part is we asked her to bring Tristan a Coke or a Pepsi and she got him iced tea," said Mandy.

1 Fish, 2 Fish As Told By a Cat

One fish.
Two fish.
Three fish.
Four fish.

Fresh fish
Bagged fish
Cheap fish.
Canned fish.

I ate them all.

I even ate the week-old dead fish on the wall.

It is true: Some taste good, some taste bad.
Their death makes me happy though their fish friends are sad.
But I warn you - fish eating ain't no passing fad.

Why do they improve my mood and taste so good as food?
I don't know - go ask some dude.

I like ones that are thin,
I like ones that are fat,
I mean what do you expect?
I am a cat.

You can try to swim,
You can try to run,
But in the end I'll have my fun
And eat you in the sun.

So live your fish life
Spend time with your fish wife
Because numbered are your days
If I can have my way.

To Ease Budget Deficit U.S. Military Releases Stargate Technology To Everyone

Stargate technology for everyone

Washington D. C. – In a move that is considered by critics to be window dressing, the United States Department of Defense has sold Stargate technology to several cities around the country that hope to elevate traffic conditions and over population.

“We’re thrilled about this acquisition, said Houston Public Works Director Floyd Waterson. “I believe that having these portals on intersections in our higher traffic areas will allow for fewer traffic interruptions, plus we think it is a humane way to send folks on relaxing trips without cost to them or the city.

"It's win/win.”

United States Air Force General Jack O'Neill agreed. “So far all these gates have done is cost money,” explained O’Neill. "We’ve traveled across space and time, but I really can’t say more than that. Now people in Houston or Miami or Los Anglees can go exploring themselves.”

The first use of the gate portal by a civilian though was quite upsetting for Myles Groove of Houston. “While we were going to cross the street and go to Chipotle when my wife hit the button and she just was swallowed by this weird white zone that closed with a “Wisp”, said Groove. “Now no one can tell me where Melissa is. What the hell I’m supposed to tell my children, or even worse, my judgmental in-laws. This is nuts.”

O’Neill explained that all of those who use the portal are being hurled to a outer galaxy world and would have to work to survive, “She’s alive and well - she just may not be able to enjoy her life now without a Starbucks near.”

Heroin Addiction Explains Dylan Decision to Allow Mr. French to Cover Songs

Cover to controversial record

In a a newly released interview legendary singer and song writer Bob Dylan, he reveals that in the early 1960s he had a $25 a day heroin habit. After a concert late one Saturday night in March 1966, Bob Dylan, while on tour in the US, boarded his private plane in Lincoln, Nebraska bound for Denver with his friend Robert Shelton.

Over the next two hours Shelton taped an interview with Dylan which he later described as a revealing. At one point, the singer, who turns 70 this week, admits he had been addicted to heroin in the early 1960s; and that the addiction along with his own view of his work allowed hime to make curious choices.

"I kicked a heroin habit in New York City," he confesses. "I got very, very strung out for a while - I mean really, very strung out. And I made allowed somethings other people question still to this day, although I certianly don't. I kicked the habit. I had about a $25-a-day habit and I kicked it."

Lakers Hire Android Version of Phil Jackson to Replace Phil Jackson

LOS ANGELES, CA - The Los Angeles Lakers today have announced that instead of hiring a human coach to replace Phil Jackson,  who has coached 11 NBA Championship teams, they will hire an android who is programmed with a copy of Jackson's consciousness.

"We just decided that no human could step into Phil Jackson's shoes," commented Lakers owner Jerry Buss. "Now no human has to do so and we feel that this is going to benefit both the Lakers and humanity in general."

Feedback from players has initially been positive. "I think it's a positive step," guard and five time champion Kobe Bryant said. "This allows us to keep the triangle offense, the philosophy, and the charisma of Phil without having Phil."

Steve Blake agreed. "Though I'm sure there are very capable coaches out there who could do a decent job for this organization, it's a worldwide fact that there just isn't anyone out there who can truly replace Phil Jackson. Unless you replace Phil Jackson with Phil Jackson. It's brilliant."

Butt Dialing While Ordering Hashbrowns and Doritos Leads To Wafflehouse Arrest

Clayton Zumoff's delicate foot

MACON, GA – The order of 50 pancakes & 80 waffles with bacon and eggs and toast and “Doritos” is what made officer Dan Hurgerra suspicious in the first place, the rest of the conversation just proved his theory.

A little after 2:30 a.m. last night Hurgerra was informed of an open 911 call by dispatch and that no one was answering, however operators could clearly hear voices ordering the food and laughing hysterically.

"We decided that they pocket or butt-dialed and I needed to go check it out,” explained Hurgerra. When he arrived at the Waffle House, Hurgerra sat at the counter, ordered coffee, and listened to the three men - as well as the continuing feed from the 911 dispatcher. He over heard the men order the food saying they had the muchies and wondered if the restaurant could also get the “Cool Ranch Doritos” cause they is a boss.

Forget Planking. Start Mirroring.

By Harold Mooring, Mirror Industry Executive

You have heard of the new craze called "planking," right? If you haven't, crawl out from under your rock and read below. Planking involves you pretending your a plank somewhere, getting a picture of it, and then posting it to your social networking site i.e. Facebook, Twitter, or whatever. Got it? Go climb up 30 stories, lay out on the handrail of the deck, pray to God that you don't fall or if you do the rapture occurs, and get your picture taken.

We don't find that to be a very safe practice. There's a reason why pirates used to make people walk the plank. There's a reason why Jesus taught that before you remove the speck in someone else's eye you should remove the plank in your own eye. There's a reason why... well, I can't think of another plank metaphor, but you get the picture.

We don't like losing our customers, so we would like to suggest a new and improved version of planking - we like to call it mirroring. What you do is simple: you go out to your local big box store or hardware store, purchase a mirror, and take your picture in the mirror. You can go out to exotic places, you can go into car museums, you can blindly go into the girl's shower room - whatever you want to do. Then, just like with planking, you take your picture and post it somewhere for all the world to see.

I cannot stress to you the importance of purchasing a new mirror for mirroring. After all, you wouldn't want a smudge of something mar your picture and make people think you have a mole the size of Kansas on your face. You wouldn't want people to think you're a dirty, dirty boy - well, maybe you do, but taking your picture in the mirror and posting it to Twitter should solve that problem for you. In fact, I highly recommend a new mirror for every photograph that you take, just to be safe that you take a clean picture.

Yes, that means you may end up with a lot of mirrors, but that's ok. After all, it is important to look your best day in and day out and you need a good reflective surface in order to successfully accomplish that. So go forth, be fruitful with your mirroring, and help me make next month's rent.

UPW Declared Cause of Camping Insanity

LOS ANGELES, CA - A researcher with IBM has come forward this morning to announce that about two years ago, the microchip plant in which he works accidentally released a large quantity of Ultra Pure Water, or UPW, into the general public in plastic Aquafina bottles.

"We did it as an internal prank, but we covered it up when the water ended up going outside the plant and to the general public," said the researcher, who we have declined to name for his personal protection.

UPW is considered an industrial grade solvent and it is used to clean off microchips during each layer of the building process. Even though it is water, ingesting UPW is quite dangerous as it leeches minerals out of your body. The Pummelo traced the shipping of the tainted Aquafina straight to Family Radio and Harold Camping.

Lisa O'Murphy, an executive assistant to Mr. Camping for several years, remembers the shipment well. "We received several hundred bottles of water from IBM and Mr. Camping thought it was a sign from God that he wasn't drinking enough water. He stockpiled all of that water into his office."

Ask the Vicar: Harold Camping's Rapture Rap-Sucked

Dear Father Knowlen,
It's Monday, May 23 2011, and I'm still alive. Now I know there have been tornadoes and volcano eruptions and earthquakes since Saturday and people have died, but it's not because they didn't listen to Harold Camping - right? It's because the world is slowly decaying, stuff breaks, and in the middle of that people die - right? I mean, no one really got raptured - right? There weren't strange people flying in the sky avoiding airplanes, missiles, and UFOs - right? I guess I'm concerned because Camping said that the world was going to come to a complete end 6 months from now and lots of people were going to die between now and then. Do I need to go out to Kmart and buy some survivalist supplies like I did during the swine & avain flu? And if so, what should I buy? - Don't Want to Die

The Speaker of the Grouse: Rapture F$%&ing Dissapointment

The Speaker of the Grouse. He
speaks & he grouses.

So I’ve been holding it in and back since Friday, the bozos who run this place don’t always work weekends and so I couldn’t get the odd me chest, but now its Monday so they better damn give me some room!

• I feel for Mr. Harold Camping, there weren't horrible deadly earthquakes, massive amounts of dead people being sent to hell, and disasters that made the Japanese earthquake and aftermath look like "a Sunday picnic." His bloodthirsty fantasies didn't come true. I feel for him because this is what I was rooting for, a twelve pack on the patio table and an abundance of fried foods I was ready to spend Saturday laughing at people running and falling and boiling in lava. 56’ inch high def and I didn’t have any of that. Yeah if I was in his shoes I’d felt terrible all weekend to. We wanted to see suffering and dying dammit.

• I keep hearing about how sorry we should feel for those bunnies who got screwed by Camping and gave away all their stuff, I'd like to cite the case of Barnum v. Sucker Born Every Minute as my precedent.

• I’m taking my "It's OK to be Takei" button to wear around Tennessee. Not because I give flip about diversity or tolerance I just want to egg stupid people on and cock-punch them.

• I hope the Tennessee law spreads a cross the nation because I am looking forward to the first time a 6 year old gets expelled from school for calling another one "gay". In Dodgeball.

• Why so serious? According to an article in the paper pursuing happiness leads to disappointment and depression, muahahahaahahahhaahahahhahahaahahahaha, see kids this is why Mom, snooty bitch, is wrong about dreams, The lesson is, never dream, never try anything happiness is all bullshit.

• I’m not always a downer, here’s some great news. A University of Florida study found that the frequent use of hand sanitizers over a period of time can cause a person to test positive for alcohol consumption. So I’m no longer showering just complete baths in Purell three a day so the next time I’m raving drunk they can’t prove it cause I’ll have drums of Purell as evidence.

Harold Camping Admits His Mistake Was Not Reading Matthew and Luke

Harold Camping outside his Alameda home
Lance Iversen / The San Fransisco Chronicle / Corbis

ALAMEDA, CA – The man who has twice predicted that the world was going to end and was wrong, appeared at his own door this morning and provided a limited explanation as to why he was wrong.

"It has been a really tough weekend," said Harold Camping, the 89-year-old fundamentalist radio preacher who convinced hundreds of his followers that the rapture would occur on Saturday at 6 p.m. “I’m flabbergasted, but have been since I informed that my math was wrong because I apparently, and unfortunately, completely missed some major books of the Bible... not sure how that happened.”

A wearing tan slacks, a tucked-in polo shirt and a light jacket. Camping stood rigid as birds chirped. A gentle breeze blew. “In the past my math was off because I missed some small particularities,” explained Camping.  “However, I was speaking with Deacon Bradely Hansford and he started talking about the Book of Acts and I had to stop him, I hadn’t heard of this book. Brad pointed it out to me and then flipping through his Bible I found that I hadn’t included Matthew or Luke. In fact, frankly I think I somehow missed most of the New Testament.”