Yao: "This Is the Worst Fortune Ever."

Chun Yung Yao holds up the fortune that he received from the Grand International Buffet
last night with his dinner. "I found it to be incredibly rude," Yao stated. "There is no fortune
in something like this. There are no words of advice. Useless." Yao is considering a lawsuit
against the restaurant and the cookie manufacturer. "It is clearly intended to be found after
you die to make someone else laugh," said Yao. "This is the worst fortune ever."
http://seoblackhat.com

The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 2

That somewhere seemed to be a very dark area. No - was a very dark area I confirmed as I opened my eyes. I fumbled around a bit, looking for my flashlight, but then memory finally served me like it should and I was able to realize I was wearing only my hospital gown and not anything else. I brief sense of disappointment flooded through me as I realized there would be no sponge bath, but I soon recovered for it and decided to make the best of my situation.

"Lights," I called. Nothing happened. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness for a minute, and with limited vision, stumbled around a bit. I reached a wall, and followed it. And followed it. Followed it some more. Until I met with victory. I flipped the light switch.

A very, very large room appeared before my eyes. Stacks of wooden crates and other containers went far above my head. It was only then that I became aware of the thrum thrum thrum of hyperdrive engines.

I was on a ship! Of course, that would make sense considering the transporter beam and all, but I still enjoyed a sense of warmth from my epiphany.

A pile of clothes lay on the floor, and, assuming they were for me, put them on. They were very stylish, with lines and zig-zags -- the jacket had great lapels. All in all, a perfect fit.

A door opened, seemingly from right out of the wall, and two orange blob-like creatures whom I recognized as Venusians entered the room. The two gray stripes on their right upper side next to their eyestalks identified them both as privates. "Zee boss vill see you now," announced the one on the left.

"Thanks so much," I replied. Venusians were the mystery of the solar system. It had long been believed that nothing could survive on Venus due to the heat, atmosphere, and pressure on the surface of the planet. What we discovered when we began to establish colonies all over the system was that an entire labyrinth of cities, highways, and industries had been established underground with artificial gravity and stabilizers. They didn’t really like us and we didn’t really like them, so this situation wasn’t exactly a pleasant one. 

Satanic Billboard Causes Controversy

This billboard, seen in New Jersey, has many people upset - not with the message,
but with the idea that their teenage girls or gay teenage sons are actually listening to
the devil. "This makes me feel more like a bad parent than the time I drank a fifth of scotch
and dumped my kid in a dumpster overnight," said Jerry Wheetly, 34, of Trenton. "I knew
Bieber was evil, but I didn't realize he was this evil."

Canadians Apologetic After Rioting

Jessie Sanders sits next to the VW van she destroyed
last night.

VANCOUVER, BC - Jessie Sanders loves hockey. She loves Canada. She loves Jesus and her boyfriend too - and in that order. So when an expected Game 7 win from her beloved Canucks in the Stanley Cup Playoffs did not occur, she felt the anger start building up.

"I remember thinking that this is what The Incredible Hulk must feel like as he is getting ready to transform into his alter ego, eh," Sanders said this morning. "It was scary, exhilarating, and embarrasing all at the same time. And no - I didn't rip my clothes off. This is Canada - it's cold, eh."

Sanders did join the few thousand fans who began to show their dissatisfaction after the conclusion of the game by rioting in the streets. "I think everyone was feeling the same way I was feeling at the time," said Sanders. "After we managed to squeak by Chicago in OT in that Game 7 we felt that we were destined to win Lord Stanley's Cup. Now that we don't have it, we don't know what to do. And this is Canada - it's cold, eh."

A poor Volkswagen van, owned by Byron Mitchell, became the target of the flash mob. "I might have lost a van in this ordeal, but I made some great friends and great memories," Mitchell told us. "Besides - my insurance specifically covers hockey-related rioting. This is Canada, after all. It's what we're all aboot, eh."

Mitchell recalls what happened in 1994 under certain circumstances. "Yeah, I had a VW van then as well that we lit on fire, eh. I lost that van in the ordeal, but I made some great friends and great memories, eh."

Sanders is just sorry it came to this. "We probably overreacted. We'll clean this up in the morning and it will be all good, eh."

Mitchell says this is nothing compared to what will happen if the Vancouver Whitecaps ever managed to do something in Major League Soccer. "We Canadians love our hockey, eh, but we love our footy too. It's too bad our team is sucky this year, eh?"

The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 1

 A Douglas Adams tribute piece. After running in 12 parts, it will be available via Kindle on Amazon for just $2.99 right here: -G


CHAPTER 1


It was hot. Stuffiness abounded.

"Martin Fleckner, you are charged with the following," droned the police officer, who happened to be a robot. "Petty larceny, impersonating a police officer, armed robbery, three misdemeanors, possessing stolen property, possession of an illegal weapon, skinning a cat on a Venusian hot tin roof..."

An interesting set of circumstances to say the least, wouldn’t you say? In fact, I’d bet your more than a little curious about the circumstances of these charges. If you weren’t, then maybe you shouldn’t have picked up my memoirs to read.

I bet you’re thinking that you just wasted your money. “Man, this book is going to drag on and on and ultimately be about nothing,” is what you just thought to yourself. Come on, admit it – don’t be shy. It’s ok.

I understand.

If you do want to read the story, then just try not to skip to the ending and miss the exciting twist in the story that happens to be in the middle. You wouldn’t want to do that. You wouldn’t understand anything, and then you would have joined the first group who already have put down this book because they feel like they wasted their money.

You don’t want that, do you?

Christian Prislam Is One Confused Dude

Christian Prislam seen the day before his arrest.

PORTLAND, OR - Christian Prislam is in the midst of an identity crisis. "I just don't know who I am, what I am, and what I should be any more!" he said in not-so-quiet desperation through the telephone as he looked at me through the wired glass in the prison's visiting area. "I don't know what color my soul is!"

Things didn't used to be that way for Christian. In fact, he grew up in a two parent home, went to a private school and earned a 4.0 GPA to graduate as a co-Valedictorian. He had 42 full academic scholarship offers to Division 1 schools, which is also where he got our attention. Initially I went out to interview Christian about his achievements - that was 3 days before I was talking to him in prison.

"I just feel so lucky to be alive, healthy, and have a family that loves me," Christian told me back then. "I am blessed beyond measure and have no regrets so far in life. I feel like God is taking me to a place of leadership in this world."

The next day we headed out to grab some pizza while listening to his favorite local Christian radio station in the car. After a couple quick songs, a program came on talking about Islam in America. "How do you feel about Islam?" I asked Christian.

He shrugged. "They have the same opportunity to know Jesus that I do," he replied. "For me, faith is about choices and options. I've made my choice and I live by that choice. Others must do the same."

Hippopotamus Adoption Prevented By U.S. For Gay Couple

Armin [Left] & Domai seen getting the news of their
adoption denial. The cried in their coffee & chai.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Hemli Armin and Jared Domai have had a lifelong dream of adoption ever since the day they decided they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. After three years of ups and downs in the process, Armin and Domai were disappointed to learn this morning that Federal authorities have blocked their pending adoption of Hermoine the Hippopotamus.

Armin was in tears when we caught up with the couple in a small coffee bar south of Market Street. "It's such a damn tragedy," he told us with tears dripping into his double shot, no whip, 1/3 soy mocha latte. "Hermoine was looking forward to getting out of Africa and making a new life for herself and Jared and I were looking forward to having the family we've never been able to have before."

Domai didn't appear as distraught, but he only stared at his chai latte with extra cinnamon and a dash of tumeric. He spoke quietly when Armin had finished. "I know it's because we're gay. There's no other explanation. We don't practice bestiality. We don't practice necrophilia. We both make good incomes down at the fish market slapping the fish. I just don't get it... I just don't get it."

Pummelo Poll Shows That Optimist's Optimism Is Dying

Former Optimists Club President Jimmy Hunt
is attempting to deal with reality

UTICA, NY – A Pummelo nationwide poll has found that reality is beginning to break down even an optimist's normally optimistic attitude. Two-thirds of our respondents think the future is so black they have permanently put away their shades. A majority say the anxiety wrought by this recession has caused relationship problems and sleep deficiency. Two-thirds even report being so pessimistic they are even unable to have sex.

“I used to believe that things would always get better,” said Virginia Scott of Tampa Bay, Florida. “But then things just kept getting worse, they keep making X-men movies, the price of gas continues to rise, and Sean Hannity is still on T.V., when that happens it just kind of begin to lose hope.”

Scott’s opinions were mirrored in the poll, normally optimistic people find that their attitude is being tested at every turn from Cameron Diaz and Ben Stiller continuing to make movies to major sports leagues either having labor difficulties or headed for them. The current economic recession has plagued the developed world for more that three years and its lingering effect on employment seems to have drained many optimists elastic winning attitude.

“Fact is when you have to work two jobs to pay for Taco Bell dinners then it really makes you wonder about the illusions you’ve held for a long time,” explained Mark Silviestra of Denver, Colorado. “Plus, well here we had to live through the abomination of the Josh McDaniels era and when that ends the NFL locks out the players, who the hell knows if Von Miller can play if you never see him?”

Optimist International reports that they have even seen several club closures and a drop of more than 40 percent of their previous membership. “The creed seems a little empty,” said former Iowa club president Jimmy Hunt. “Be so strong nothing can disturb your peace of mind is totally useless when you have to go to a pay day loan place to pay a house payment and the vig is 39 points, and if you don’t pay they break your knees.”

Anger In America Not Directed At Mad Scientests And Monsters

Doctor Victor Frankenstein VI mixing chemicals
in his Fort Carroll hideaway

BALTIMORE, MD - Doctor Victor Frankenstein VI is quite relieved to see the mobs of angry individuals with pitchforks, guns, torches and burning effigies pass his secret complex on Fort Carroll Island.

“Well, when you come from my family you get used to seeing mobs advance on you,” said the anxiety ridden scientist. “I’m not sure where they are going but as long as it's not here to disrupt my finishing great-great-great grandfather’s work then I wish them well.”

Vagrant wanderer and self reported lycanthrope Larry Talbot also saw the advancing crowd and hid in an abandoned house. ”I’ve been on the road for a long time just trying to survive and find a cure,” said Talbot. "As a matter of self protection you get used to hiding from mobs whether the moon has been full or not, a lot of accusations can spread like wildfire, especially in this age of the digital picture and message, thankfully they ignored me.”

Talbot says he thinks the angry mob is apparently marching on Washington D.C. “I heard them say they were sick of the president, sick of congress, sick of not having a job, gas and food prices.” He looked at the three quarters moon. “Seems like there is a lot of anger out there and for once it’s not focused on us.”

Talbot didn’t say who “us” encompassed but Mad Monk Grigori Yefimovich whose lonely monastery stands on a hillside over looking Cape Saint Claire explained that in Talbot’s mind “us” probably meant isolated men who are engaged in hidden, evil and unnatural pursuits.

Lolcats Are Next Terrorist Threat

New information released from the stores of paperwork obtained during the raid that killed Osama bin Laden
shows that there is a plan in place and set to go active today that involves placing weapons of mass
destruction with both the transmitted pictures of I Can Has Cheez Burger photographs and the subjects
of those photographs. Federal authorities recommend that you avoid anything that might be cute & cuddly
the next few days as they attempt to root out this worldwide evil.

"I Will Not Allow a Mulligan For Harold Camping" - God

ALAMEDA, CA - It was reported Thursday night by Family Radio, but since only false zealots of the misled actually follow most of what Family Radio preaches, it was not found out until this morning that Harold Camping had suffered a stroke. Camping, who failed miserably in his prediction of the Rapture [you can read why here], is reportedly resting comfortably and preparing for some rehabilitation.

We asked Father Knowlen, who periodically gives advice for us in the Ask the Vicar segments, what his take on this situation is. "This is God telling the world that he is not allowing for mulligans any more," said Knowlen. "You're going to be held responsible for your actions whether you take good shots or bad shots."

This is why Family Radio is going back toward a more traditional approach in preaching from the Bible: namely, actually preaching from the Bible instead of making things up as they go along. "We've decided after Thursday's tragic event that it is time for us to bring Christianity back to its foundational teachings," said Charles Menut, a regional manager for Family Stations, Inc. - the parent company of Family Radio. "I don't know about you, but I don't want any strokes coming my way. Or lightning. Or famine. Or leprosy. Or slavery. And especially not locusts. I hate bugs."

"Oh, and we're going to add some accountability into things as well from now on," Menut added.

Franklin Graham of Samaritan's Purse has been an early and vocal critic of Camping. However, he's pleased as punch to hear that the organization is turning the corner and coming back into the fold. "Only the ignorant ignore God's message," Graham said. "We need to take all of these lessons learned over the past month or so and remember that our God loves us, sent His son to die for us to take away our sins, and all we need to do is believe in this righteous to be saved."

We attempted to get a statement from Camping at the hospital, but all he did was try to fling Jell-O at us with his good hand.