The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 9

Part 9 of our exclusive ongoing saga. Enjoy! -G

"Do you have to tie me in so tight?" I asked. They had shoved me into this straight-backed, wooden chair that was very uncomfortable, and tied leather straps around my wrists and ankles very tightly.

The listening room had the walls covered with speakers. The floor was done in an ugly green and purple tile. The volume control was on the outside of the solid titanium door. My chair was the only furniture to speak of in that soundproofed room.

Jones was watching his cronies tie me in. "Be prepared to face the worst torture that has ever been invented in the whole universe!"

"Who's Richard Gordon?" I asked.

"He was the worst motivational speaker in the history of the Solar System."

The cronies stood up and wiped his hands on his shirt. "This dude is as stuck as a mule in mud."

"Good. Let's go." He and his cronies left the room. Before Jones 

closed the door, he said, "You will be begging for my mercy in a couple minutes. But I will never give it to you!"

At least his stupid laugh was cut off with the door slamming shut. The speakers came alive with the sound of a distorted man's voice. "This is the tenth year of the Rawless Deal for the poor and the middle class, except for the rich, who are dead, with too many days left to go until we can get rid of Carter. Unfortunately, we will probably be dead by that point anyway." 

From the history books, I would have to agree with this guy.

"In today's news, Carter has screwed up again. He wants to invade Guatemala. Why? All we're gonna do is lose some of our boys trying to put a Communist Pinko in power of that country so we can help the Socialists take over the world."

"Oh, I forgot. We are a Communist country already. What happened to the Constitution? What happened to free speech? What happened..." Static broke him off in midsentence.

A new voice filled the room. "Due to technical difficulties, the Richard Gordon show will never be heard again. We are not sorry for your inconvience."

Jones walked back in, amazed. "You haven't tried to yank yourself free from that terrible noise? We must then try something different." He turned and shouted to one of his cronies, "Load up that Alan King Fikus tape!" He turned back to me. "Since you like that piece of scum, then we will torture you with this! HA! HAHAHA!"

This time he stayed in the room as some music played over the speakers. This annoying, nasally voice sounded over the speakers. "Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Alan King Fikus show, enjoyed by more people than anyone..."

"Moron!" I shouted. Jones slapped me hard across the face.

The irritating voice continued. "We will now go to our first guest, from the moronic radical religous right--"

I just wanted that voice to SHUT UP! I started straining at my straps. Jones just looked at me with an amused look on his face. He then turned to face the door, and drew his finger across his neck. That horrible voice finally stopped.

"These transmissions are the originals," Jones informed me, "we found the radio waves just outside of Pluto a few years ago, and we boosted them here, into this room."

"Isn't that kind of, stupid?"

"Not when they're used for torture devices. But, back to business. we're still not finished with you." He called the guards, and they picked me up, chair and all, and took me out of the room.

They bustled me along the corridor toward who-knows-where, and after a few moments, I noticed that the bonds on my feet were loosening.

Now here, I bet your thinking, sure, how convienient. If I was in your place, I would be thinking the same thing. But, with all that hustle and bustle and jarring and yanking and pulling and grabbing, my bonds were starting to loosen. If you want a scientific reason for this, go down to your local university, and have them conduct useless experiments that cost the taxpayers money, OK!!!

Man's Attempt to Propose Goes Horribly Wrong

This season's first fireworks death comes on the heels of
a botched marriage proposal.

KEENE, NH - Henry Mitchell thought last night was going to be the best night of his life. However, this morning he is grieving the loss of his girlfriend, facing negligent manslaughter charges, and wondering how things could have gone so wrong in this small New Hampshire town that is steeped with history.

"I just wanted a unique and memorable experience," Mitchell tells us over the phone. "I wanted to give Nancy something that she would remember forever."

Instead he gave Nancy Spangel's parents something they would remember forever in a bad, bad way. "I will never forgive him," said Spangel's father Jerry. "Never in my entire life. He can rot in prison."

According to police reports, Nancy Spangel suffered fatal injuries when a large fireworks canister containing pink, heart-shaped lights, exploded into her chest. "It was meant to go up in the air and shower us with lights after she had said yes," Mitchell told us sadly with tears in his eyes. "I never meant to have her heart explode into tiny, light shaped hearts."

How did the canister get triggered? "I smoked a cigarette because I was so damn nervous and it caught the fuse," Mitchell says through heart-wrenching sobs. "It's the first time I've smoked since high school."

Paramedics pronounced her dead at the scene. "It was pretty easy to see that she was dead," said EMT Blaine Wilcox, who arrived at the scene first. "I mean, she had a huge fireworks canister sticking out of her chest, there was blood everywhere, and I think I might have stepped on some of her small intestine."

"If I could take it all back, I would," Mitchell says. "I'd do things a lot differently."

Memorial services for Nancy Spangel will be held July 5 at Foley Funeral Home on Court Street. In lieu of flowers, the family requests you send money to the state to assist in the trial of Mitchell so that he can get gang raped in a proper cell.

The Pummelo Attacked By UFO

PORT TOWNSEND, WA - The Pummelo's Washington bureau was attacked this morning by a small, white unidentified flying object. Thankfully the attack missed our structure, including the deck with the hot tub. Authorities are currently investigating, though current thought is that this is a retaliation to our continuing coverage of an alien presence on Earth.

We've also called the Orkin man just in case.

The Russian Bikini Soccer Team!

Rules are meant to be broken. And when I say rules, it's pretty much what I want.
You can thank me later for our 1st ever real news article repost. And you're welcome.

The original article can be found here:

http://bustedcoverage.com/2011/06/30/russian-womens-soccer-team-promises-bikinis-in-next-match-to-fill-seats-photos/

Suicides Up 6200% in China After Bridge Opening

The Qingdao Haiwan Bridge, which spans 26.4 miles over open water, opened this morning
to great aplomb. 87 people then jumped to their deaths in the bridge's first 15 minutes of operation.

QINGDAO, CHINA - Chinese officials are scrambling to figure out why people by the hundreds of thousands are flocking to the $8.6 billion bridge in order to walk out and jump into the waters below.

"It's like nothing we have ever seen," said Kim Pao Ming, an official with the bridge building program. "It's almost like they are being drawn there by an unseen force."

US officials believe that "unseen force" is actually just the result of almost 70 years of communism, poverty, and the inability to have more than one child. "If you couldn't have sex, didn't have any money, and couldn't vote, what would you do?" Jay Carney said in a special press conference this afternoon. "I know what I'd do - march out to a big new bridge and kill myself. And guess what? That's exactly what the Chinese people are doing."

Emergency barricades are reportedly having no results in preventing people from jumping. "It's like trying to catch a fish that has gotten off it's hook and is jumping around your boat," said Ming. "You might be able to catch one every once and awhile, but these folks are just as determined to get into the water as the fish I used to describe them."

Chinese officials are refusing to ask for help. "We didn't get to be the second biggest nation that holds a majority of the world's debt for nothing," Ming said. "We'll figure out a way to handle this, even if it means purchasing more US debt."

We spoke to Chang Mang Mao who is currently walking from Shanghai to jump off the bridge. "I'm tired of being rice farmer. Tired of oppression. I want to die free," he told us. "They can't stop me from being famous in this way. I want the reds to be red with anger."

What about his family? Mao shrugged. "Most were killed in Tiananmen Square and the rest were killed on a raid of their church. I'm just going home to be with them."

Ming says the tide will turn soon despite the determination of people like Mao. "We're going to start tasing people if they try to get out of their vehicles or attempt to cross the bridge on foot. That'll stop them."

Isn't that inhumane? Ming shrugs. "We're Chinese. Who cares?"

The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 8

Part 8 of our ongoing exclusive story. Enjoy!

"Come in, come in!" greeted Plop. "Make yourself at home. Sit down."

"I do prefer to stand."

"Fine, fine! Now, why was I told that you want to talk to me?"

"I have something to show you," I said wickedly, with a bad-guy type laugh. I am overdoing it, no?

"Oh, goody goody. I do hope it is poetry. I love poetry. I have some right here..." He opened one of the desk drawers, and took out--gasp!--the same huge, badly written poetry book before mentioned in these memoirs.

"Uh, no, thank you," I replied desparately. "Actually, it is this..." I took out the wafer with the findings I had recently made. "What would you think of this?"

I could swear that he turned green for a second.

"Y-Y-You see, it, well, I, ugggghhh!" he managed to stammer out.

I decided to use my good graces and help him out. "You swindled, bribed, lied, cheated, stole, cursed, and a few other things to get this rank, am I correct?" Plop slowly shook his eyestalks positively. Oh, I was enjoying this! "And this wafer here is the only evidence there is?"

This time he answered me. "Uh-huh."

"So, if I were to do this..." I shredded the wafer in half, and then in half again, "there would be no evidence, right?"

Just pin a medal or something on me anywhere, just anywhere.

Plop got down on what I assumed were his knees. "Thank you, kind sir. If there is anything I can do for you, anything at all."

"Well, first you could stop slobbering on my boots."

"Anything at all."

"Second, get up."

"Yessir."

"Third, tell me what this is." I put the blueprints of the Big 

Banger on the desk in front of him.

"It's a colonial transport."

I had to go through this again. "Yes, but eliminate this and this, and add this..." I said pointing to the various spots, "what do you have?"

This time he turned bright yellow. "M-My G-G-God! A Big Banger!"

Now for the final blow. 

"With...your...initials...authorizing...it!" I said each word slowly and deliberately for a great dramatic effect, while pointing to the GGG.

It worked. Plop fainted.

Pummelo Health Beat: Laughter The Unsilent Killer

Laughter: it sets you up and mows you down

By: Jay McClung. 

Yeah, he doesn't like the commitment of posting under his own byline. 

For Myran Allan, the light at the end of the tunnel was not very bright. After concluding a 22-year research project where Mr. Allan investigated and researched the 1989 death of Danish audiologist, Ole Bentzen, who died laughing while watchingthe film A Fish Called Wanda, Allan found the world to be even more terrifying.

“His (Bentzen) heart was estimated to have beaten at between 250 and 500 beats per minute, before he succumbed to cardiac arrest,” said Allan, “I not only found this tragic but became concerned that this could open some dark doors in our society.”

During the 22-year project, Allan has consulted with numerous medical professionals but it wasn’t until this past year when Dr. Martin Samuels, professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School, provided Allan with the proof he needed to warn the public.

According to Dr. Samuels, “Happy news is just as dangerous as sad news with regard to the risk of sudden death. I have cases of people who died after hitting holes in one, after bowling perfect 300 games and upon hearing the words ‘Not Guilty.’ Death during sexual activity is also well known. Ecstasy, happiness, and good news are definitely risky.”

Allan shares Dr. Samuels’ beliefs by echoing, “Extreme excitement, whether that be sadness or happiness activates the part of the brain that’s responsible for the flight or fight response to threats in the wild. This releases a natural chemical -- adrenaline -- which in large animals can be toxic to various organs, in particular the heart.”

Allan has taken his findings to the office of the Surgeon General but no comment has been issued at press time. Nevertheless, Allan is determined to spread the word to the public any way possible.

“Sharing this knowledge with the public is a very important preventative measure,” says Allan, “Of course, if this knowledge got into the wrong hands then who knows what could happen! We could end up with new type of serial killer and government would be powerless to stop that person. And that’s down right scary to me!”

When asked about the old adage, “Laughter is the best medicine,” Allan simply scoffed and replied, “Obviously not.”

Texas Declared A Disaster

University of Texas Students reacting to State Department
stae of emergency declaration

WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S.  Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs joined the Department of Agriculture today in declaring the State of Texas a disaster area. However, Assistant Secretary of the Bureau Ann Stock stated that the two department’s decisions were not related. “The USDA is reacting to a terrible ongoing drought,” said Stock. “We are reacting to a centuries long deficiency in culture outside of some distinct locations such as Austin.”

The declaration of emergency allows counties in Texas to request funds from the state department to import culture from other states and foreign principalities. It also allows for counties to request ambassadors to come and serve the hardest hot areas. It also requires state officials to actually take care of the few Texas cultural treasures to be held within the state until the declaration is lifted.

“I realize that forcing Mr. Willie Nelson, Kinky Friedman, Ryan Bingham and Joe R. Lansdale to remain in Texas is difficult for their fans outside the state, but I ask that everyone consider the needs of Texas itself,” said Stock.

“I just don’t know what took them so damn long,” said Patricia "Patty" A. Bryant, Texas Commission on the Arts (TCA) Chairperson. “We have these, well just dead spots like Houston and Dallas, increasing in size all the time. Thankfully the Mavericks win finally put a spotlight on something other than Jerry Jones.”

Stock said the declaration will be reviewed every ninety days and that if things like the Mosquito Festival and Mesquite BBQ Festival disappear in return for more concerts by Tito & Tarantula, Pat Green and plays by Micah McCoy then the state of emergency will be lifted.

The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 7

Part 7 of our ongoing serial novel. -G

I bet your wondering how I changed from good guy to borderline crook. It's simple. I needed a job, and here one was. Keeping an apartment in this Solar System is worse than keeping one in New York. It comes with the territory.

Money is money, you know.

I researched extensively, using the blue pages, until I found what would probably be the perfect bank: Second National Bank and Trust of on the asteroid of Klondike. Assets were listed around three billion pesomarks, so, I figured it would make a good strike.

I then requesitioned my gear from Storage, and I had them deliver my getaway disguise to a nearby alleyway. I dressed myself in dark clothes, and grabbed a couple stinkgross grenades, which knocks people out because of the horrid smells it produces - a friend of mine invented the prototype in third grade, nose filters, a bag, and of course a lazpol.

I rented a hovercraft from the local Hentz, and parked a couple of blocks away. I then walked into the busy bank, and drew my lazpol. "Everyone on the floor!" I shouted, firing into the air. Chunks of plaster fell around me, and one particularly large chunk fell on my head.

I swayed around woozily, the people not knowing what to do. "Onz the floorz," I mumbled, stumbling slowily but progressively to the tellars. "I want three million pesomarks put in this bag." I then proceeded to fall to the floor unconcious.

***

So the universe now knows my story. Maybe it will be a made-for-tri-vid-movie. Who knows. If you don't remember what happened before you started reading the back story, go back to Chapter 1. You should have taken notes.

"...and jaywalking," finished the robocop. "I will now place you in the jail."

Not knowing what to do, I frantically looked around as the droid reached out with a pair of restraining cuffs to grab me. A wave of fear I have never, ever felt before flooded through to my very inner soul - all good detectives, retired or not, have three professional souls, you know - and suddenly I wished I had never taken the job with Banning.

Greeks Still Holding Out For a Zeus Intervention

ATHENS, GREECE - Lawmakers in this country that sort of smells like a mix of beef, lamb, and pork have approved a key austerity bill that will allow the country to receive a €12 billion loan from the European Union.

Socialist Deputy Alexandros Athanassiadis, who originally was not going to vote for the austerity bill, changed his mind last second. "As much as I'd like to say that our gods are going to step in and fix the problems as they did for our ancestors, my faith in their solution cannot put my countrymen at risk," said Athanassiadis. "We need these euros in our bank accounts fast. We don't want to become the European Dodgers, you know."

The austerity bill is quite unpopular because over the next 5 years it will raise taxes and cut spending to account for €28 billion. "We've got to do something while we wait for Zeus and the gods at the Temple Mount," said Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos. "People need to be stable in their daily lives and we need to get tourists our here enjoying our beaches and eating our gyros."

Women's World Cup Kicks Off; 1 Man Cares

Sherif Abdul Rahim enjoys watching women's football. He's the only one. And because of that
this is the only space that the 2011 Women's World Cup is going to get unless someone whips
off their shirt again.

The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 6

"Wake up, you moron!" came a voice, interrupting my dreams.

"Not you again," I muttered, thinking my brain was talking.

I slowly opened my eyes, and realized I was sitting on the floor of a holosuite. "You failed, Fleckner," Scar informed me.

I opened my eyes to see his lovely face. "I guess I did," I replied.

"You know what we do with people who fail?" he asked me.

"You gouge out their eyes and cut of their fingers and toes and then make them eat it all in one bite?"

"No," replied Scar thoughtfully, "but that is a good idea." He continued. "We make them take the worst job in the Agency."

"And that would be..." I prompted.

"Research." He grinned a toothy grin. "You will be Head Librarian, Fleckner. I think it suits you, with that wimpy body of yours. You are to report to the library immediately." With that, he exited.

I sat up and pondered the recent developments. Librarian, eh? Well, I guess I can be the greatest librarian there ever was, if I have to be.

I made my way through the building, following the signs with arrows that said "Library." A few minutes later, I realized I was travelling in circles as I was back to the holosuites. So I did the next best thing.

"Excuse me," I asked a lady passing by, "but where is the library?"

She pointed down the hall. "Two doors down past the holos," she replied.

"Thanks." I made my way there.

It was a spacious room, filled with books and old ladies who liked to say "Shhhh." My desk happened to be right by the doorway, and I noticed a readadisk sitting on top. I picked it up and read:

     Dear Martin,

     We are doing some research in the area of System War II.

     I was wondering if you would be so kind as to bring up some

     of the more important files for me.

     Thanks,

     Mark

Who was this idiot? I wondered. It was like he thought he could get a Corvette for 400 pesomarks. Four million, maybe. 

Nevertheless, I wandred about the shelves, and eventually found the documentation I needed. I sat down at the table and began to work. File after file I opened, file after file went back. The last file happened to be misfiled (N comes after M you know), but curiosity got the best of me. Inside was the documentation for a colonial transport on Neptune.

Quantum Jumping Leads Man Straight Into Wedgie

Slater falling victim to negative wedgie energies.

LANSING, MI - Zack Slater had always wondered what life would have been like if he had made a few decisions differently. Thanks to quantum jumping, which is a method of subconscious control that allows one to tap into the energies of parallel universes where the decisions you regret not making have taken place, Zack recently got his opportunity to experience life as a different Zack, and it was not a pleasant experience.

"I always had a crush on this girl named April Abernathy," Slater told us, "but I never had the opportunity to ask her out." He looks a bit sheepish. "Ok - I never got up the courage to ask her out. She seemed smarter and sexier than me, so I concentrated on sports."

Zack went on to a successful collegiate career in football, law school, and currently runs a successful law practice. April Abernathy kept nagging at him though and so Slater started to do some research. "I cam across Burt Goldman and I knew I had found my lifeline," Slater said.

Slater bought the materials, took the advice, and found a not-so-nice surprise awaiting him after a dinner out on the town. "I came home and found some kid waiting for me in my living room. I asked him what he was doing there and the next thing I know, my tighty-whiteys are coming up and over my head."

"Mr. Slater had managed to quantum jump - we don't use leap - into the parallel universe where he managed to have the balls to ask April Abernathy out," Goldman told us. "Unfortunately, in that universe Mr. Slater is not very athletic and would be called a nerd by people in our universe. That energy transferred over to him in his present universe, which then initiated what I like to call the 'wedgie effect.' I've seen it hundreds of times."

Slater says it was worth it. "I might not be able to feel my ass when I poop, but I can feel what it was like to have April Abernathy love me back. That is a fair trade in my book."

Frank Bartles and Ed Jaymes Respond To Bristol Palin's Book

Liquor connoisseurs and wine cooler salesmen
Ed Jaymes and partner Frank Bartles

MODESTO, CA – Liquor connoisseur’s and wine cooler salesmen Frank Bartles and partner Ed Jaymes issued a statement from Jaymes’s front porch late this afternoon after receiving hundreds of calls regarding a statement made by author Bristol Palin in her autobiography.

Below is their statement:

Hello there. My name is Frank Bartles and this is Ed Jaymes. You know, it occurred to Ed the other day that a young woman blaming others for her decisions regarding her body is, well bluntly immature.

Now it is true that between his fruit orchard and my premium grade wine vineyard, we make a truly superior premium-grade wine cooler. However, at no time have we ever endorsed drinking our beverage to the point you do not have control of your behavior and cannot remember your own name.

While drinking one or two to relax late in the day, well it sounds good to me, it certainly does not give one permission to fault “Woozy Charms” for bad behavior. If you believe in abstinence only then you should always be careful of your circumstances and follow your own dictations of morals and not blame us for your mistakes.

We will try to keep you posted on how it’s going. And thank you for your support.

Palin’s book was released last week and has resulted in a firestorm of both good and bad publicity for her, her family and Mr. Bartles and Mr. Jaymes.

Dear Doctor: I Have 150 Orgasams A Day, Not As Fun As It Sounds

Doctor Demitriov Thomas Delgado,

Cardiothoracic surgeon and alternative health expert

Dear Dr. DTD, my girl friend says that pure capsaicin is a great natural solution for erectile dysfunction, I’ve done the non-prescription over the counter products and nothing seems to work, I refuse to feed Big Pharmaceutical so I’m at a loss, will this work? Thanks! - Swings Low

Dear Swings, Hmm I’ve never heard this and I’ve been around, I am dubious but her go right ahead and let us know what happened will you? But please have lots of milk, ice and aloe around.


Dear Dr. DTD: I have Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS). I’ve tried everything, everything I can think of to deal with this do you have any ideas? - OMG Again!

Dear OMG Again, 1. Allow me to come over to personally investigate, 2. Worst case scenario, I get tongue chaffing and we have to give you Loverin a natural blood clotting herb, but first I need a close examination.

Police Say Breast Milk Contained Pepper Spray

Photo Courtesy of the Delaware County, OH Police.

DELAWARE, OH - A 30 year old Ohio woman is in detention today after police charged her with domestic violence, assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, obstructing official police business, and having one of the ugliest set of boobs ever seen on a woman.

"Every once and awhile, you just get one of those calls that you are going to remember for your entire career," Public Information Officer John Duntrell of the Delaware County Sheriff's Office said. "This was definitely one of those calls."

The police were initially contacted when Stephanie Robinette was seen brutally attacking her husband at a wedding. "I couldn't believe my eyes," said the bride. "This woman just went batshit crazy on her husband after one Coors Light. It was incredible."

The groom said he laughed at first. "Then, when she had him on the ground and it looked like there was blood spurting from his jugular, it wasn't funny any more. I told her she needed to either clean up the mess or leave. She chose to leave."