New Spray On Condom Promises 8 Second Delivery

These babies will be going away if The Horse Group has
anything to say about it.

BERLIN - The spray on condom was invented in 2006 to the great hopes of many men worldwide. However, the dynamics of the condom just didn't work: it took 2-3 minutes for it to dry, made loud noises during the application process, and essentially just killed any hopes for sex unless you had it pre-applied before you started.

The Horse Group, German leaders in safe sex technology since 1994, believe they have come up with a much quicker alternative that will have men lining up to purchase their product. "Essentially, we have developed a latex that has a practical eight second drying time on the penis," said spokesperson Michael Guttenberg. "We've also eliminated the loud noises that the first draft of this product provided with a sound effect similar to a woman having an orgasm. We have found that by doing this, it makes the man stiffer at the application point, thereby allowing for a better overall fit of the condom."

Why the eight second application? "In our in-house testing, we discovered that a woman with her mouth had the ability to effectively place a condom on a man's penis in that amount of time," said Guttenberg. "We had to be able to match that kind of time frame or else we didn't have a prayer of making it in this market."

Harry Potter Sequel Announced

LONDON - Fans of Harry Potter were gleefully surprised today to hear that J.K. Rowling, author of the billion dollar Harry Potter franchise, has begun a sequel to the much beloved series. This has caused fans to ask the question: "Who? Who?"

And that is the appropriate question, for the story is primarily going to be centered around Hedwig, Potter's Snowy Owl friend and magical familiar. "This is the perfect opportunity to find out about how Hedwig was able to assist Harry until the final battles," Rowling told us exclusively. "Plus, there might be a nice little surprise in there - like Hedwig not actually dying."

Like what? "Think about how the Star Trek franchise killed off Spock but brought him back," Rowling said with an evil smile. "I've got something similar in mind for our beloved Hedwig. Something along the lines of having his soul transferred into Hagrid and then Potter, who may make a brief appearance, is able to cast a summoning spell and have Hedwig restored to even better owl health than before."

Gillian Gilbert, 14, is already in line to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and literally peed her pants when we told her the news. "There's going to be more? More? MORE?!? Awesome."

There is no timetable set to the actual printing of the story, but Rowling is hoping to have something ready for print by 2013. "It's still in the conception phase of things," Rowling said. "I don't want this to turn into something lame like Legend of the Guardians. Hedwig deserves more than that. He deserves to fly amongst the greatest of literary birds of all time."

Not bad for a critter who spits up bones.

White House Blames Twitter For Unemployment Surge to 9.2%

WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to the US Labor Departement, employers in the month of June added on 18,000 jobs to the economy, which caused the unemployment rate to surge to 9.2% overall. This is the fewest amount of jobs added in nine months.

President Barack Obama was quick to call a press conference and brief reporters. "It is our essential conclusion that hiring and overall productivity is down for only one reason - people are just spending way too much time on Twitter," said Obama. "It's not that there aren't jobs - there just aren't qualified people to fill those open positions."

"And have you seen some of those people who tweet?" continued Obama. "They are on there 16, 18, 20 hours of the day, tweeting bad puns, terrible jokes - some of them racist, I might add - and stupid crap like 'I hate the dentist. Dentists should go to hell.'" He paused for a moment to collect himself. "I can't stop this country from going to hell in a handbasket if people are only willing to get up, go to their laptop on their kitchen table, and tweet all day."

"For God's sakes - most of them don't even wear pants!" finished a clearly exasperated Obama.

Fat Ass Cannon-Balling Cause Of Disastrous Flood

Hugh Goyfoil's famous cannonball went horribly wrong this
time.

MINOT, ND – As flood waters finally begin to recede in this beloved northern city, three federal government agencies have issued a joint statement revealing that one man, Hugh Guyfoil, is responsible for the flooding and the great inland tidal wave.

The United States Geological Survey (USGS), Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) and the FBI produced the joint statement after agents arrested Guyfoil, who had been assisting in clean-up in the city.

“He came quietly, he seemed to be genuinely remorseful,” said FBI agent Danielle Cook. “We have to take some action of course since he was a fugitive when we have more details I’ll release them.”

According to Peter Folkkes of the USGS, an earth tremor was measured at 6.3 and centered at the tidal pool in the Splash Down Water Park. Shortly thereafter a ten foot wave swept the park and broke levees in town, entered into the already high Souris River, and an after tremor made the river roll back through the levee and course thorough the city.

Folkkes added that the strong tremor was very unusual in North Dakota and they began investigations with FBI and FEMA after seeing how much damage was caused. After finding the epicenter was a damaged pool at the park witness interviews were conducted. “Well obviously we were dealing with a large number of traumatized people,” said FEMA manager Paul Harris. “However, what we quickly pieced together was that a incredibly large man cannon-balled into the pool from the slide tower and all this disaster came after his tidal wave was released.”

Cook and federal prosecutor Jillian Ridge wouldn’t release what charges Guyfoil is facing. “There could be several hundred charges of various type and degree,” said Cook.

Minot City Manager David Waind expressed frustration at the arrest. “Well I guess we can stop saying this is ‘God’s Will’ - what a dumbass this guy is.”

Megan Fox Has Stocks in Botox

Photo by Pinguino K

LOS ANGELES, CA - Apparently people are confused. Again. And Megan Fox is apparently offended. Again.

"I did not say that I have had botox injections," said Fox, star of such historically significant films as Transformers & Jennifer's Body. "What I said is that I have acquired a significant amount of stock in botox."

Fox snorted. "How stupid can America be?"

Fox posted four photographs to her Facebook page to prove that she has not been taking the botox that she has been investing in. "Do you see these wrinkles? Do you see these crow's feet?" question Fox almost incredulously. "I make old look sexy awesome."

Fox has been in the news as of late after purportedly being fired from the latest installment of Transformers after comparing Michael Bay to Adolf Hitler. Fox just shrugs. "I called the man a douchebag who only likes to blow stuff up. I also may have said that Hitler liked to blow stuff up. Dude got all offended and stuff."

Fox is next set to appear in a cameo appearance in Cohen's The Dictator, due out in 2012. "And I should be filthy rich from my botox investments by then," finished Fox. "Now shove off - I've got some injections to do."

The Pummelo Hits the Big Time

Didn't think we could compete with The Onion? Watch and learn, chump stains. Watch and learn. 

One Cat, Two Cats, Red Cats, Blue Cats

As told by this cute little puppy. -G

One cat, two cats, red cats, blue cats.

Black cats, brown cats, old cats, new cats.

They all act like little pricks. It's enough to make me sick.

Say - what a lot of cats there are! I wish you'd run them over with your car.

Yes. Some are red, some are blue, some are old, and some are new. I'd rather have one in my mouth to chew.

Some cats are fast, some cats are slow, but all I know is that being a cat must really blow. Come here, little cat, for you I've got some teeth to show.

Look! This was is sitting on a shelf. I hope he does something to scratch himself. And this one is sitting on the stairs! I'd like to catch him and pull his hair.

Ask Uncle Mike: Polygamy Has It's Perks

Uncle Mike is our resident love expert. Of course, love to
him comes in the form of a man from St. Ives. 

Dear Uncle Mike,
You know that tale "There once was a man from St. Ives?" Well, this dude had seven wives. Tons of men in the Bible had multiple wives. Peter said himself that in order to be an elder of the church, you could only have one wife. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines plus princesses. Tons of Mormons today have multiple wives. Islam dictates you can have multiple wives if you can take care of them. So if history has shown us zillions of examples of men having sex with multiple women and it being ok, then why am I feeling guilty for cheating on my ugly ass wife? Would it be better if I just bring in my girlfriend to the marriage and we start a bigger family this way? What do you think? - PP in DC

Grizzlies Preparing For Alien Invasion

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK - After a shocking attack on humans yesterday in this famed park that will one day explode and kill a majority of humanity,  new secret documents released from Grizzly society have confirmed that this attack, and others like it, in the area over the last 4 years were actually combat drills designed to prepare the bears for an upcoming alien attack.

Park Ranger Scott Burbank says he is not that surprised. "We've seen the population of bears in the park increased from about 400 in 2006 to about 1,000 bears at the start of this season," he said. "It's like they are building up their troop strength for something. We just didn't know what."

The park released a statement stating that they would be clearing out all backcountry users and would be closing trails and sights around the site of the attack that claimed the life of a 57 year old hiker. "It's just for the best right now," Burbank told us. "We feel that they would be conducting combat exercises close to or where they assumed an alien craft would be arriving, and since we are not yet equipped to fend off an alien attack, we felt the best method was to ignore the problem and hope it goes away shortly."

Dr. Daniel Jackson Joins "The Office"

CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN COMPLEX - Fans of the movie Stargate and the corresponding series Stargate SG:1, Stargate: Atlantis, and even to a certain extent Stargate: Universe were pleased to hear that James Spader will be joining NBC's The Office for this upcoming season.

Even though the character's name on The Office is Robert California, many believe that this name is simply an alias to disguise the fact that Spader will be reprising his role as Daniel Jackson, an archaeologist who proved that the Egyptian pyramids were actually landing pads for alien spaceships.

Spader denies that this is going to happen. "I certainly loved my time on Stargate, but that was almost two decades ago. This is a different time, a different place, and a different series. Fans need to let my character go."

That Sneaky Facebook is Up to No Good Again

PALO ALTO, CA - Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg summoned media outlets to its headquarters for what was self-described as an "awesome" product launch.

Upon arriving, we discovered it was only group and video chat being added to social media site's features. Normally this wouldn't be so astounding, but with the weak personal security that surrounds Facebook in general, we knew we had to dig a little bit deeper into this.

Turns out Facebook's facial recognition software that allows individual's to automatically tag uploaded pictures will also be utilized for video chat. Our source in the FBI that we call Shallow Throat let us in on the dirty little secret. "The US Government will be utilizing the video features of Facebook in order to track the every day movements of almost 90% of the citizens of this country," we were told. "With facial recognition software in place, we will be able to tap into everyone's lives to make sure they're not cheating on their taxes, defrauding insurance claims, getting unwarranted benefits, and complying with the upcoming health care regulations."

The Luckiest Man In The Universe - Chapter 10

Be sure to check out Chapters 1-9 of this serial. Cheers! -G

The place appeared to be deserted. The grass was turning a light brown, making a closer match with the surrounding desert sand then the dark green would. The wood was rotted, thanks to the help of termites. Scattered trees gave the area a small amount of shade and homes for the red squirrel family that was bouncing along at our feet, begging for goodies.

A stone path led up to the door. Good Jones knelt down and touched it. "Hmmm. Quadrotrikloarty. This wasn't discovered until 2157," he said.

"Great," I replied. I led the way up to the house, crouching down with an althoblaster at the ready. I pounded on the door and shouted: "Jones, I'll give you until the count of three to come out. Ready? One......Two......Three!" I shot the door off its hinges.

A quick look around the place showed that it had been hastily deserted. Round objects filled with food were left sitting on the rickety-looking table. The floor was dirt, and it crunched beneath our feet when we walked around. A ladder led up to a loft off to our left, while to our right stood a bookshelf.

Good Jones was checking out the food. "Still warm," he said. "Must've left, oh, [another taste], "four minutes ago."

How he knew this, I'll never know.

Something in my case beeped insistently. I set the case down on the table and opened it. An interesting contraption was flashing: "TO USE COMMUNICATOR, PRESS HERE" I pressed where it told me to, and a picture of my favorite person in the whole galaxy filled the screen, Mark Banning. In little red letters, the words "Prievously Recorded" flashed in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

Casey Anthony to Start Quest for Real Killers

Anthony's 2009 mugshot.

ORLANDO, FL - After successfully beating a murder, a manslaughter, and an aggravated child abuse charge with yesterday's triple Not Guilty verdict, Casey Anthony declared defiantly that she would begin her quest to capture the real killers of her young daughter.

"I have to do this," said Anthony tearfully. "I have to find who killed my daughter so I can go party at the clubs without being harassed. I will prove my innocence."

This caused Nancy Grace to snort. "All you have to do to find the real killer is to look in the mirror, Casey Anthony. The day you die is the day I will cynically laugh and toast the fact that you are burning in the deepest levels of hell."

Jurors in the Anthony cased believed that the prosecution couldn't prove that a murder actually took place. "You need to know all the cards in the Clue envelope to be able to prove a murder has occurred," an alternate juror told us exclusively. "The prosecution, in this case, really struggled with getting their game piece out of the conservatory and into the ball room. That was ultimately their downfall."

Ethnographers Discover Missing American "Pleasantville" Tribe

Recently discovered tribal lands in Kansas. Center appears
to be prepared for religious ceremonies.

WASHINGTON D.C. - The National Science Foundation (NSF) released satellite images today of an apparently lost tribe of American Midwesterners in central Kansas. "We rarely find a tribe like this by chance," said expedition leader Frank Fulbright, who coordinates the Ethno-Environmental Protection Department of the NSF.

"You never expect in the modern world to find such a sealed off society. It's like finding a deposit of living fossils, a real life Pleasantville."

Although no tribe members were photographed, there's plenty of evidence they're in residence and active. "The condition of the shelters and the degree of fading of the wood shingled and tiled roofs indicate the structures were built between 1964 and 1985," Fulbright said.

"Also, the presence of corn fields in the area suggests the site may have been in steady crop rotation. Corn tends to be one of the standard crops planted after clearing."

But why were no people spotted? "They could have been scared by the airplane and hid themselves in the corn, or maybe were out hunting," Fulbright added.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer Credited With Saving 35

PBR saved 35. The hope is that it can save 7 more.

SEA OF CORTEZ - With 1 dead and 7 missing due to The Erik capsizing 60 miles south of San Felipe, Mexico, officials are praising the 35 survivors of this ill-fated expedition for their ability to put away Pabst Blue Ribbon [PBR] beer.

"It is a well known fact that Mexican sharks have an inability to tolerate PBR," Dr. Keven Whitfied, director of the Oceanography Center of San Diego, told us this morning. "The wisdom of those men in forty foot waters to disregard the Corona and drink coolers full of PBR is just amazing."

The Erik, a 115 foot catamaran, was doomed from the start, departing from a closed port and braving 40 foot waves. "I don't think even Jesus could have walked on this water," crew member Jesus Sillas told us. "It was super crazy bad and we probably shouldn't have gone out to fish. You know how Americans are about being able to drink their cheap beer on the water though. They paid us extra and we just couldn't turn it down."

Our Petition to Comedy Central to Join Charlie Sheen Roast

Dear Comedy Central,

The Pummelo team has learned that on 9/10/11, you will be taping a roast of Charlie Sheen. I don't know about you, but we're all tired of seeing the same tired and washed up comedians make the same kind of jokes about tired, worthless, washed-up former celebrities who are getting one last hurrah on your network.

Watching crap like that sucks pink monkey balls. Don't do that again. I might have to go kill a goat and dance the mamba with it on I-5.

And let's face it, we both know that a standard comedic lineup is just going to give you 100 winning jokes, 85 donkey punch jokes, 45 tiger blood jokes, with the remainder on your broadcast being stolen from independent websites. We don't want that - you don't want that.

What you need is something fresh, something new, and something that is actually funny. You need something from a team that really doesn't give a damn whether people are going to follow them on Facebook. You need a team that has more integrity for the joke instead of attempting to garner stars, followers, and retweets on Twitter. You need a presentation from people who do comedy for comedy's sake, not for self-promotion, money, fame, or some idealistic non-sense.

It's blatantly obvious that what you need is the spectacular satire of The Pummelo. Don't ask why, don't think about it - just look at our stuff and then just say yes. What you will get it return is the most spectacular routine that comedy has ever seen. No - you're not going to get samples or examples. Reading a joke on paper has nothing to do with doing a joke on camera.

I beg you. Think of the goat's life that you will save. Think of the high ratings you will get when word gets out about what we did to Charlie Sheen. Think of the YouTube hits. I promise we won't purposely hurt anyone physically if that matters any.

You're going to love us, Comedy Central. Thank you for saying yes. I'll expect the travel reservations in the next month or so.

Sincerely,
Graeme, JB, Josh, & Jay

Obama Announces Intent To Invade America Next

From the Obama-Biden Transition Project

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a shocking press conference held this holiday morning from the East Room, President Barack Obama announced that with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan winding down, he intends to invade the United States next.

"Things have just gotten out of control in our country," Obama told reporters. "It's time we take our country back, exploit the oil resources, and train new security forces that can eventually take back control of our streets."

Obama says this is not martial law. "I'm declaring war," declared Obama defiantly. "I want there to peace and democracy in the streets of the United States. It's what God would have wanted."

Reporters brought up immediate concerns for citizen safety. Obama dismissed those concerns with a brush of the hand. "People can either join up and bring back hope or they can sit on their butts, watch Survivor, eat jelly donuts, and let the real men and women handle making this country great once again."

What about the Constitution? "Do you see anything in the Constitution that says I can't invade any of the states?" Obama retorted back. "I don't think so. I've read it twice via teleprompter just to be certain."

Governors are contemplating an emergency call up of their national guards to protect state sovereignty. "This announcement from the Federal Government is about as ridiculous as what I managed to do to our state's employees," Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said. "I'll reinstate all CBA rights, however, to all state employees who take up arms and fight this unconstitutional invasion of our beautiful state." Walker also recommended a potential milk, cheese, and Green Bay Packers embargo.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was seen laughing so hard that he was unable to make a comment regarding Obama's statement. Other reactions from worldwide leaders was very similar. Obama says he doesn't care. "Now that the rest of the world is becoming safer, it is time we do this the American way on American soil."

Would Americans actually fight on American soil? "They will if they want to have their benefits extended and receive a paycheck," Obama stated firmly. "We will make this be an America for Americans one way or another if I can help it."

4 Out of 5 Dorks Prefer Computerized Fireworks At Home

80% of nerds aren't venturing out this July 4th.

LOS ANGELES, CA - In this increasingly computerized and networked age of passing information, money, and massive amounts of porn, it appears that more and more of the nation's smartest people are choosing to become more anti-social and avoid traditional holiday outings.

"I just don't see the point of going out to see fireworks in the sky," Poindexter Montgomery told us this morning. "I can make something much more realistic looking on my 71" LCD TV with LogicPro, Adobe, & an 18 MP camera and not have to deal with all the mosquitoes and condescending looks from stupid people."

Jessica Myers-Simpson says that staying home to watch synthetic explosions is not about avoiding people - it's about avoiding lots of stupid people. "I don't mind being around my peers," she said. "What I mind is being around those families with fat husbands who drink PBR, throw peanut shells, and their kids look like they came out of a ground beef grinder. I feel like my IQ lowers by 50 points around those freaks."

Joe Kellers, a self-employed plumber, thinks that is just fine. "Those ugly ass smart people with their granny glasses give me the creeps - it's like they'd murder me in my sleep if they could. I'll take the outdoors and they can have the indoors."

Dr. Carol Mathers says this is probably for the best. "In the terms of a productive society, we don't really want smart people breeding with stupid people and mucking up the gene pool. Dorks should breed with dorks and idiots should breed with idiots - that's just the way of the world."

That's fine with Montgomery. "If a girl took her top off in front of me while we were watching fireworks outside, I'd probably end up just spraying some Off on her boobies."