PETA Horrified As Scientists Discover Vegetables Have Feelings Too

DENVER, CO - The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA] was horrified by a press conference held today by Dr. Louis Stevenson, Departmental Head of Science and Research at the University of Denver. In that press conference, Stevenson presented his findings, which will be published in the upcoming journal Science, that seem to indicate that vegetables are also a form of sentient, intelligent life.

"In my own humble opinion, these findings are rather conclusive," Stevenson said. "By measuring the various vital levels of the vegetables as we picked them, cut into them, and even ate them, we were able to determine specific and categorical responses to each event."

Stevenson shook his head sadly. "I'm even pretty sure I heard an asparagus faintly scream once as I bit into it. I'll never be able to forget that - never."

PETA officials are waiting for Stevenson's results to be independently confirmed, but are forced to admit that this will likely cause a policy shift within their organization. "If vegetables are also a form of sentient and intelligent life, then we obviously cannot advocate their consumption any more," said spokesperson James Mason. "It'll basically mean that the only things we'll be able to eat are byproduct materials, such as honey. We might even have to start eating things like cheese to survive." Mason shuddered.

Emergency Toilet Smells Funny

TOKYO, JAPAN - Emergency preparedness inventors have taken their game to a whole new level as they recently introduced a portable, emergency toilet at the recent annual Technology Expo.

Taking on the premise that people while hiking in the woods generally don't like to dig a hole in the dirt, taking a long shit, and then have to either cover it up or pack it out, have developed a better technology: you put on a plastic bag and squat.

"What this does is change human waste into human Jell-O," inventor Takimari Yamamoto tells us. "It is 100% safe - you could probably even eat it if you wanted to do so, assuming you don't have some sort of disease at the moment you take a poop."

A video demo of the product is available after the jump.

Burger King Fires The King; Goes Back To Suntanning Hot, Naked Babes

SAN DIEGO, CA - Burger King announced this morning that the man, only identified as "The King," has been fired due to a lack of success in marketing their brand.

"We would like to thank The King for all of his help over the years, including special appearances, multiple commercials, and even a few long nights working on a couple network sitcoms," Burger King announced in their press release. "However, we simply cannot overlook the fact that our sales have been consistently dropping as our spokesking and we must go in a different direction."

When we caught up with The King, he simply shrugged. "Baby, I've always been a professional suntan lotion rubber," he told us. "I'm planning on restarting my small business and enjoying my days rubbing grease on hot, naked babes instead of rubbing grease into the mouths of 350 million Americans. Life is good."

Following our article on Burger King recycling their coffee and our history with the organization, we believed that there was something deeper to this story. And guess what? There was. We discovered that Burger King simply wants to change their target customer and wants to attract moms.

We spoke to a high ranking executive who wished to remain anonymous regarding the marketing change. "We work long hours, never see our wives, and have lots of money to spend," the executive told us. "By switching our marketing campaign to target moms instead of teens, we're expecting to get a lot of MILF's into our stores, and we all know that at least a few of those are going to put out."

We have requested a response from several moms groups, but none have responded as of publishing time 9:25am PT.

The King says he still doesn't care. "The people at Burger King paid me good, baby. But now, I get to be in the sun, at the beach, rubbing hotties. That's really the life for me."

Sandwich Making Progress Stopped Dead Ninety One Years Ago Today

Jared Fogle and Command Sgt. Maj. Max Butler at the National Mall

WASHINGTON D.C. – Protesters marched on the National Mall today with sandwich boards, signs and burning effigies of Elizabeth Caddy Stanton and Susan B. Anthony to mark the anniversary of the end of proper womanhood in the United States 91 years ago.

“Ratification of the 19^th Amendment set back society and started the fall of American Values, said Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann speaking to the crowd of hundreds. “Have I benefited from it? Yes I suppose in some way, but I am far more concerned about the future of our society.”

Subway Restaurant Spokesman Jared Fogle also addressed the crowd and soon had the throng in hysteria.

“I lost huge amounts of weight by eating only Subway sandwiches, but imagine, imagine if woman had held their place in the kitchen what kind of amazing sandwiches we would have now!”

“Repeal, Repeal the 19^th Now,” Fogle led the chanting crowd.

Observing the scene from her motorcade Secretary of State Hilary Clinton remarked that she sympathized with the marchers but that she’s not sure the world is really that different. “I’m not sure how it is in the Fogle or Bachmann households but things haven’t changed that much,” Clinton said. “To keep the peace - if you see your man without an erection, make him a sandwich then go vote.”

Brain Eating Amoeba Linked to High Stupidity Levels in US

RICHMOND, VA - After receiving reports that a third citizen of the United States has reportedly died of Naegleria fowleri, otherwise known as the "Brain Eating Amoeba," the Centers for Disease Control [CDC] decided to randomly sample the remaining population to see how far the infections may have spread.

The results were quite surprising, according to Dr. Nigel Morgan, the Southeast Regional Director of the CDC. "We found out that what we thought was a very rare infection is actually a very common infection in the United States," said Morgan. "In fact, we discovered in our random sampling that 1 in 4 people have some form of this amoebic infection in their systems."

Symptoms? "We had always assumed that once the amoeba entered the brain cavity, it was lights out for the victim," said Morgan. "However, through our research, we have discovered that the amoeba actually consumes small amounts of brain matter, rendering their victims with a lower IQ, both short-term and long-term memory issues, and poor decision making skills."

Naegleria fowleri infections are usually caused by swimming in warm waters that contain the amoeba. Morgan says that a case in Louisiana began causing them concerns, however. "A victim got it from standard tap water, which meant it could be in water supplies nationwide," Morgan tells us. "The results of our sampling seem to indicate a periodic infection."

Morgan advises that all water, whether from the tap or from a well, be boiled or purified in some manner to prevent continued infections. "The last thing we need are a bunch of zombie-fied people voting in the next election. Do all of us a favor and protect yourselves from the amoeba."

Critics Claim Not Enough Junk In Katy Perry's Trunk

Experts claim that this is all the evidence one needs
to prove that Perry needs more junk in her trunk.
Image Source

LOS ANGELES, CA - With Katy Perry officially tying Michael Jackson's record of having five #1 singles from one album thanks to the song Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) reaching the top spot on the charts, critics are coming out of the woodwork to state what they feel is obvious.

"Katy Perry doesn't have enough junk in her trunk to be able to support five #1 hits from one album," music writer Tab Telford of the Los Angeles Times tells us. "In fact, she's skinny as a rail. Too skinny. I bet all she does is eat carrots and beef broth every day."

"Michael Jackson at least had his nose to give him credibility," Herman Meyer, staff writer for SPIN magazine, told us. "What does Katy Perry have? An eccentric husband who can't act and an upskirt shot that shows she's wearing granny panties. Doesn't work for me in the least."

Not every music critic sees it that way, however. "It's a different era than Michael's," Washington Post critic Mary Maxwell told us. "People don't really care about having pop star essentials and baggage like they used to. Michael had to dangle babies over a balcony to get noticed. All Katy Perry has to do is throw on a Smurf skirt, put on some blue eyeshadow, and give fans the hopes of a nip slip.

"Times are changing," concluded Maxwell. "You don't have to like it, but you do have to accept it."

Some Christian groups believe that there is more going on with these 5 singles than Perry's skinny butt. "It's pretty evident that she sold her soul to the devil to become popular," commented theologian Billy Myers. "Can she sing? No. Can she dance? No. She's not even single any more. Therefore there should be no appeal - but there is. The only explanation for this is Satan."

Perry just laughs at everyone's opinions. "I just take things one day at a time," she told us. "From The Simpsons to The Smurfs to making musical history, it's all because of the fans."

9 Out of 10 Men Prefer Pics of Terri Runnels Clothed

Terri Runnels filed suit last week to stop sexually
explicit pics from being distributed.
Photo By: Luigi Novi

MIAMI, FL - A judge here in Florida has ordered Jerome "New Jack" Young, a former ECW wrestler, to cease and desist in the distribution of what are being described as "nasty" XXX-rated photographs of Terri Runnels, a former WWE Hardcore Champion and one of the first true divas on the show.

"I took those photos," said New Jack. "They are mine. I should be able to give them to whomever I want, sell them to whomever I want, and pass them on to whomever I please."

Runnels, now 44, recently filed a lawsuit against New Jack because alleged libelous comments being made about her and a desire to stop these sexually explicit photographs from being distributed. "It's my body. It's my life," Runnels said. "New Jack is just all pissy because he can't have me any more and it's tearing him up inside.

"I mean really," continued Runnels. "Who wouldn't want to get with this?"

Baseball Pundits Disgusted With Thome's Clean Behavior

The fact that no dirt can be dug up on Thome has analysts fuming.
Photo By: Keith Allison

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Jim Thome joined an elite group of Major League Baseball players last night as he hit back-to-back home runs last night to become the 8th player in history to hit 600 home runs.

"A nicer guy on the face of the Earth could not have hit 600 home runs," said Bill Plaschke, sportswriter for Los Angeles Times. "I even got to see him play for the Dodgers for a cup of coffee. But what really, really sucks is that this guy has never done anything bad. That makes it hard to write anything entertaining about this event."

Chuck Garfien of Comcast SportsNet Chicago agreed. "The dude never took any drugs. The dude never cheated on a girl. The dude never solicited a gay prostitute in a New York bathroom. I mean it's almost like some religious figure died to give Jim Thome the perfect baseball career - he's that clean. Bastard."

Inflation Causes 50 Cent To Change Name To 75 Cent

50 Cent recently announced that he was forced to change
his name to 75 cent thanks to worldwide inflation.
Photo By: Top Streetwear

LOS ANGELES, CA - Curtis James Jackson III is not a very happy guy today. After years of marketing the name and the brand "50 Cent" to millions of adoring fans, Jackson announced today that he has been forced into a change.

"50 Cent just doesn't do me right no more," Jackson told fans this morning. "It sounds cheap. Hell - you can't even by a fucking Snickers bar for two quarters any more without a coupon. The name has got to go."

Jackson stated that he had thought up a number of alternatives. "Big Bastard Boy, Funky Black Man, Beast of the Least - these were all names that Jackson suggested to me," said Sarah Stephens, representative of Jackson and employee of The Agency Group. "I told him those were all terrible. He needed to stick with his roots. That's when he suggested something that I knew was going to be solid gold."

"Yeah, 75 Cent sounds like it's more with the times," Jackson tells us. "It's hip. It's hot. It's got value."

The name change does not affect the fact that Jackson is not planning to release a new album this year, citing creative differences with his label. "I want to make music, but I want it my way," Jackson said with a shrug. "Maybe now with 75 Cent on the cover we can gets to business."

Interscope Records had no comment by press time, 9:45 AM Pacific, regarding this story.

Jim Dick Perry Guarantees GOP Victory

Jim Dick Perry guaranteed that the GOP, with him at the helm,
would win the White House in 2012.
Photo By: William S. Saturn

AUSTIN, TX - James Richard Perry, aka "Rick," aka "Jim Dick," announced this weekend that the Republicans were going to take back the White House in 2012. This announcement was in coordination with the announcement that Perry is officially running for the top political spot in the United States.

"This is an exciting day for myself, my family, and all the red states out there," Jim Dick Perry told an assembled crowd of almost 30,000. "Let's pray that all the Democrats get wiped up by the devil in this next election so that we Republicans can bring this country back to its Christian foundations."

Perry, who has never shied away from statements that prove he earned his D in college-level economics, says that he'll bring the same swagger to the White House that he's brought to Texas. "In 2009 I put Washington on notice when I strongly implied that I could make Texas secede from the Union, or at the very least I could split it into 5 different states. In 2010 I advocated a change in our consumption of oil to a consumption of natural gas with no external influences from BP. And this year, 2011 - right? I've advocated that we pray for rain to cure this drought, increase gun ownership, and kill Mexican nationals who violate Texas law."

Bendy Straws Crush Opposition In Iowa

The articulated straw won the polling in Iowa

AMES, IA - The articulated or bendy, straw scored a victory in the first major test of the 2012 favored beverage accommodation contest, a win likely to provide it considerable momentum as the contest races into this autumn.

The wide straw came in a very close second while the crazy straw finished a distant third, a showing that will raise major questions about it’s ability to remain a viable candidate as the contest moves forward, and about the voting interests of the 7 to 14 year old boys demographic.

For Bendy, the victory at Ames solidifies it as the clear frontrunner in the Iowa beverage caucuses which are set to kick off the accommodation contest process in early February 2012.