Anthony Weiner Enthusiastically Returns To Twitter

Huma Abedin and her husband,
former congressman Anthony Weiner

POSITANO, ITALY - Anthony Weiner restarted his Twitter account today primarily it seems to let everyone know that Karma isn’t doing it’s part to keep the scales of justice balanced in the universe.

“Ha, Ha Biotches, standing here looking at the Amalfi coast with my loving wife” – read the Tweet he direct messaged to hundreds of news outlets early this morning.

Weiner was disgraced and forced to resign his seat in House Of Representatives in June as the culmination of a saga, ironically involving Twitter and his tweeting images of his penis to women. Weiner served New York's 9th Congressional District for 12 years.

His impossibly patient wife Huma Abedin are currently on an "Italian Babymoon," which is when you take time off work, something he doesn’t need to be concerned about since he resigned, to hang in Italy eating rich and wonderful food and having fine wine and celebrating the fact that your wife is five months pregnant and still married to you. An apparent miracle considering he is a proven exhibitionist idiot who has showed his penis to half of the planet while she was carrying their first child in her womb.

The Weiners are apparently staying at Le Sirenuse hotel in Positano, overlooking the Amalfi Coast, or quite near as Weiner continued to tweet pictures of the hotel throughout the morning with the phrase, “Good Afternoon Byiotces Glad You’re Not Here, LULZ!"

Mrs Abedin, a personal aide and deputy chief of staff to U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, revealed she was pregnant in the middle of Weiner's Twitter photo fiasco in June. The disgraced congressman has been staying out the spotlight since his fall from grace. He enrolled in an 'intense' rehab program to help him treat his sexting addiction.

Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi suggests that Weiner will be happier now than ever.

“Spotlight’s off he can rebuild his life and image but eventually return and run the forgiveness gauntlet and win again to be governor or senator, I’m so happy for him,” said Pelosi.

Libya to Change Name to Dubya

Even though rebels are fighting in the streets of Tripoli,
residents are attempting to maintain a normal lifestyle.

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - Libyan rebels continue to encounter pockets of pro-Gaddafi support as they work on finalizing the capture of the capital city and begin the establishment of a new government.

According to Shallow Throat, our inside source for all things secret and all things government combined, the rebels plan on honoring Republican support for Democratic Libyan policy over the last 6 months. "It looks like once Libya is stabilized and the current rebels formalize their power grab in the region, they intend to change the name of Libya to Dubya," Shallow Throat tells us. "This way the world will always know that Republicans were able to help Democrats in at least one social program."

The Obama Administration cheered the name change. "It just goes to show you that inviting former President Bush into the future plans of our economy is a brilliant idea on my part," lauded President Barack Obama when we asked him about the purported name change.

"And if you don't mind," he quickly added, "would you kindly let me know who your source is so that I can have the CIA waterboard him appropriately?"

Senator Harry Reid Looks To Lock Up Zombie Vote For Democrats in 2012

Is this really just a hungry animated corpse?

HOMEWOOD, CA – Nevada Senator and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid continued to battle rumors that he was a zombie or vampire or some type of undead this week following an odd appearance at the Lake Tahoe Summit.

The senator joined many other dignities; including Senator Dianne Feinstein, California Governor Jerry Brown and Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval at the meeting where the topic was “Stewardship and Sustainability in Challenging Fiscal Times.”

The two governors’ spoke of how they were looking at redesignating some wilderness areas and reducing regulation. When Reid spoke, he agreed that these were good ideas and congratulated the two men for taking on a challenging topic, envying them for their large braaaiiins, after making this rather bizarre statement the senator seemed confused and stood looking at the governors for a long time and appearing to drool.

Aide Thomas Kincaid came to the podium and helped the senator get back on focus. It helped a little.

“We need to recognize that we are living in a consumable culture that shows very little value for sustainability, unless its sustaining their winning streak at the casino,” Reid said. “However sustainability means so much more, it means keeping the human population at a place where you don’t overrun the planet any further.”

Obama Puts Economic Hopes Onto Bush, KFC's Shoulders

Bush & Obama met as early as 2008 to discuss ways to
kickstart the economy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - It's the economy, stupid.

At least that's the message that President Barack Obama and his administration hope to portray to the American people as the 2012 election cycle comes around.

"Our aim is to fix the economy before the election," Obama told us exclusively this morning. "If everything goes off without a hitch, I can guarantee you that we will see at least 6% growth in the 2nd quarter of 2012. Guaranteed."

That's a pretty audacious goal - just how do you hope to accomplish it? "That's easy," replied Obama. "Christian evangelicals like Bush and everyone likes Kentucky Fried Chicken. I'm going to be having those two get together and kickstart consumer spending in the chicken sector. Every other industry will reap the benefits of increased fried chicken consumption, from health care to furniture to automobile. Everyone."

A Republican, known for flubbing up, in charge of what could be a make or break economic policy shift? Obama tapped his noggin with a smile. "That's where I'm thinking. If Bush succeeds, then I'm a genius. If Bush doesn't succeed - and who can't succeed when it comes to fried chicken, really - but if he doesn't, he'll be taking the blame and by proxy so will the Republican Party."

Obama's smile got wider. "It's win/win for me, baby."

Bus Loses Load Prematurely Driving Hard Into Nashville

Miz Bossey Brown reacts to semen spill news

NASHVILLE, TN. – Tennessee officials discovered this week that being excited can cause premature ejaculation regardless of species or even if one is organic.

Just after 5 a.m. Tuesday a Greyhound bus lost its load as it accelerated to enter Interstate 65 just south of downtown Nashville. Fire and emergency crews were called to the scene amid reports of a foul odor. When they arrived at the scene they discovered four unmarked canisters with steam and an unpleasant odor coming from them, they shut down the on-ramp and called HAZMAT crews.

Officials traced the containers to Greyhound after finding bus tickets on the ground. 

The bus did not know it lost its load and had continued on. Authorities called Greyhound, who, after speaking with the driver the bus, determined the canisters to be filled with straws of frozen sperm packed in liquid nitrogen.

Depending on the bull, each shot of semen is worth between $18 and $50 each, according to experts.  It's possible the load that came off the bus Tuesday morning was worth as much as $80,000. Once the leaking canisters were deemed not generally hazardous, they were moved to a grassy area next to the interstate. A local company was called to assist in the cleanup they used  large wipes provided by Kleenex and had scene cleared around 9 a.m.

A Greyhound spokesperson insisted this was the first time this had ever happened to the company and that loads usually get to their destination before discharge.

Pummelo Research Guru Josh Brown contributed to this story

Even Brutal Dictators Can Have School Boy Crushes

Muammar Qaddafi's secret crush
former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Rebels ransacking Libyan ruler Muammar Gaddafi's compound found a strange artifact yesterday: A big album of close-up photos of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

This discovery is being discussed by talk radio and television network pundits as something unusual but according to Miles Le’Miere Chief Archivist at the Smithsonian Institute bad boys have long held crushes on American women. “Oh this is nothing new,” said Le’Miere. “The fact he had them stored in a picture album in this digital age is a little odd but dictators have long held interest in our strong women.”

Le’Miere walked us past several displays and into a storage room where he was staging some material. “Take for instance Joesf Stalin,” said Le’Miere “He was basically evil incarnate, I believe he is responsible for the deaths of between 16 and 30 million people, but like many men of his time he had a powerful crush on both Veronica Lake and Jane Russell.”

Le’Miere showed us three picture albums that CIA agents had gotten out from behind the Iron Curtain.

“In fact he made 14 requests for Miss Russell to come visit him, although she never did.”

Le’Miere then handed us a manila folder with several hundred loose photos of Jacqueline Kennedy that were taken in South America and show her in many different times and places, some quite intimate. “Augusto Pinochet loved Jackie,” said Le’Miere. “I’m betting if the Chileans could have gotten her to ask him to leave power he would have.”

Le’Miere also has files once held by the  Mao Zedong, Pot Pol and oddly a series of private photos of President Esinhower and wife Mamie apparently taken at Camp David by Mohammad Rezā Pahlavi the Shāh of Iran in 1956. “We also have files, literally thousands of photographs of Nancy Regan and Hillary Clinton taken from Saddam’s palaces,” added Le’Miere “So Mr. Gaddafi's hobby is not a revelation.”

As a matter of fact the infatuation was well known in diplomatic circles according to U.S. Ambassador to Chad Mark Boulware. “Gaddafi was often heard to talk about Condi,” said Boulware. “He has gone on television proclaiming it.”

Boulware shared a clip of Gaddafi’s interview where he was almost beside himself in his ravings.  "I support my darling black African woman," he told al-Jazeera in 2007. "I admire and am very proud of the way she leans back and gives orders to the Arab leaders … Leezza, Leezza, Leezza. … I love her very much. I admire her and I'm proud of her because she's a black woman of African origin."

"Clearly the man was crushing on Condi like I did on Jaclyn Smith when I was a school boy,” said Boulware.

God Sends Hurricane Irene to Wipe Out East Coast BoA Offices

God is sending Hurricane Irene as a message to BoA.

CHARLOTEE, NC - Hurricane Irene is set to make it's way up the Eastern seaboard, causing fears that this might be a repeat of Hurricane Katrina for this region that also just experienced it's first earthquake of note since 1944. However, after speaking with God, we're pretty sure there's nothing you really need to worry about.

"Yeah, I'm sending this hurricane to send Bank of America a message," God told us this morning. "They need to shape up their practices, stop hurting my people, and conform to standard lending rules. Since they haven't been listening to me so far, I figured maybe I should destroy some of their offices."

So what brought this decision about? "I couldn't stand by and just allow Warren Buffett to invest $5 billion into the company. If I did that, they would just feel justified in keeping on in keeping on and that's not ok. The people at Bank of America need to know that what they are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong."

After Bank of America got wind of what God was planning on doing, they immediately entered emergency mode. "We just can't let some deity destroy all this hard work that we've done," said Kristen Mitchell, VP of Customer Relations. "After all, we've screwed millions of people to give us the ability to have billions of dollars in cash in our worldwide accounts. So now we're working on protecting our assets in the areas that have the greatest potential to harm our organization and we'll ride this one out."

Store Manager Declares Freedom For Cashiers And Customers

Store manager Martin Luther says no one will use 95
coupons at one time in his store aagin.

ARCADIA, MO - An Arcadia woman says a manager of the Kroger store near her home declared that his store was “Free of your kind!” and refused to take her 785 coupons, raising the question how many coupons are too many.

At least once a week Kaitlyn Loew says she clips coupons with her children. She says she was using some of those coupons last Monday morning at a Kroger near her home where she says the manager refused her coupons at checkout.

“I guess I didn’t see the cashier hit her lane signal light,” said Loew. “But when we walked up with our four carts, I could see the color drain from her face. Then the manager walks up to me and his only words are ‘I'm not taking those’, and he just started mocking her.

Loew says she asked him why and he suddenly went berserk. “He got this odd, weird look and started yelling,” she said. “Then he climbs up on the belt and started screaming ‘No more! No more will we be slaves to extreme couponers! As of now we limit you to ten per customer!' It was really embarrassing with everyone clapping and applauding him.”

Parental Suicides Up 96% Due To Increase In Annoying Kids Toys

Julia Garcia in happier times

FREEPORT, IL - Tragedy struck this community late last week when it was discovered that Julia Garcia, a loving wife and mother, was found dangling from the rafters of her suburban home.

Garcia's husband, Juan, says his wife was never suicidal. "She was a stay-at-home mom who loved our son very, very much," he tells us. "It's just unfathomable that this could have happened. I keep telling myself that it has to have been murder."

Authorities, though, think that something much more tragic occurred. "We know that the family had a toddler in the house and we know that they had several musical toys," said Freeport Police PIO Hannah Swenson. "Our working theory is that Ms. Garcia got fed up being stuck at home all day with the kids and the toys and didn't see any other way out."

"It's tragic... simply tragic," she added.

Former Bully Farcus Found Dead With Eye Shot Out

Scut Farcus was found dead in front of house this morning

HOHMAN, IN - A 70-year-old man who found dead over the weekend on a Hohman residential street, authorities and police sources said.

Scut Farcus was found dead on the sidewalk on

Cleveland Street about 5:30 p.m. Saturday by former childhood friend Ralph "Ralphie" Parker, police sources said.  Farcus was a retired street worker for the town.

Sources said Farcus was supposed to go to a party related to this weekend’s Air & Water Show, but didn’t arrive. Parker went looking for him and found him outside his own home, the source said.
Parker did not return messages for comment Monday.

An autopsy performed Sunday on Farcus was inconclusive, pending toxicological studies, according to the Medical Examiner’s office. But a police source said there are concerns of foul play because it appeared Farkus was beaten badly and had been shot in both eyes with a BB gun.

Teacher Exercises Free Speech; Finds People Disagree

Wheatland Middle School
center of speech controversy

NAPIERVILLE, PA. - A Lancaster County high school teacher says he will not apologize after posting anti-marriage messages on his Facebook page.

Soba Bucatini said his comments are protected by the First Amendment, but the school district believes he may have broken state Board of Education ethics rules. The district is now investigating Bucatini for this incident and to see if he let his religion affect how he taught.

"If people don't believe in the Bible, it's why we have problems," said Bucatini, in a follow up status update.

The social studies teacher at Wheatland Middle School does not mince words when it comes to his religion. When he saw that New York legalized gay marriage, he did what many people do: He expressed his opinion on Facebook, Twitter, Fark.com, Worldnetdaily.com and WWEUniverse.com.

"I said that it made me sick," said Bucatini, recalling the post.

But he didn't stop there. He called marriage, any marriage, a "cesspool," and one of his more than 700 Facebook friends saw it and complained to the district. "I'm exercising my rights, First Amendment rights, guaranteed in the Constitution, supported by the state of Pennsylvania -- on Facebook," said Bucatini. “It’s obvious God doesn’t want anyone getting married, 'An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.'" (1 Corinthians 7:32 NIV)

Bucatini argues the comments were made on his own time, on his own computer, at home during the summer. School district spokesman Louis Stockton said, "Obviously 700 friends are a lot of people, so it probably wasn't necessarily as private as he claims." Stockton also added that the issue is not just about freedom of speech but also about separation of church and state.

A small group of people supported Bucatini in front of the school board Monday evening, as the district continues to investigate whether he violated state Board of Education ethics rules and just how much he allowed his religion into the classroom. "Do I apologize? No," said Bucatini. “To quote the Apostle Paul ‘he who marries his virgin does well, and he who does not marry her does better.'" (1 Corinthians 7:38 NIV)

Patton said a decision may come by the end of the week, but until then Bucatini l remains on the payroll in an administrative position where he does not have contact with students.

Ask Uncle Mike: The Key to Great Zombie Sex Is Adequate Protection

Uncle Mike is our resident love machine. He'll work for
nobody but us for you. 

Dear Uncle Mike,
I'm really concerned about the zombie apocalypse that is supposed to be coming to end the world here in a couple years and I want to start preparing now. I've followed the CDC's advice regarding preparation and have stockpiled water, medications, first aid supplies, made extra copies of my important documents, and have lots and lots and lots of duct tape, but that's only going to take care of my physical needs during this time. What about my emotional needs? Uncle Mike, what do you suggest I do to make myself emotionally happy during a time of upheaval, torment, and fear as people run for their lives? - Mr. Ash In Ashland

Kids Lose Their Last Stand At The Lemonade Stand

The Magill's lemonade stand before having to tear it down

COSTA MESA, CA – It was a day of learning about the law, government, and health and Scroogish business owners for Bobby and Sarah Magill today.

Police in Costa Mesa shut down the Magill’s business, which they said was breaking the law.  The seven and four-year-olds were told to cease and desist in their effort to sell lemonade and strawberry Kool-Aid from their booth on their front lawn..

Apparently entrepreneurship in Orange County is only for already established adults as Sergeant Megan Forcier had to close the sibling's business after a complaint from local car dealer Frank Jerome.

Jerome has a carnival going on all week on his lot just two blocks from the children’s upstart location, and Jerome was upset that they had neither the appropriate permits and had the audacity to challenge his Coke and Hot Dog stand. “Well Bobby has been worried about money for school, so we thought this would be a good experience for them, a learning experience,” said Jennifer Magill, Bobby and Sarah’s mother.  

When Having Drinks In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Yard, Make Sure There Is Privacy

The Ornrey's not so private patio

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS, FL – Lindsey Ornrey and O’Rdell Ornrey say they were not fighting last night, and the fact that they were both comfortably nude should show that.

“Look - if I was angry at O’Rdell, I’d not been sitting there nude,” said Lindsey Ornrey. “Frankly if I was and he was naked I’d gone for his dick and not his head anyway.”

Ornrey is referring to a series of incidents that brought Walton County Sheriff’s Deputies to the couple’s home in the first place. The report states that neighbors called because they thought the couple were neglecting, perhaps abusing their 13 year old sons.

Their sons say they know their folks go naked on the porch, “and they just give them their space and they stay inside the house.”

When deputies arrived at the home they found the couple where reported, but O’Rdell lying unconscious on the ground. According to Lindsey, the man had asked his son to throw him a beer and that is exactly what happened, except that O’Rdell missed catching it and the bottle struck him in the head, knocking him unconscious.

“I just forget that Branford has a wicked arm,” says O’Rdell. “Its unfortunate tonight because it brought these deputies to the house and scared the boys, but maybe someday Brandford will be using that arm in the show and he’ll buy me a place I can be naked anytime I want.”

According to deputies, O’Rdell will have to wait until that time because DeFuniak Springs and Walton County have a public courtesy law that limits recreation activities, even on your own property to foosball or Gin rummy, unless one has a 10 foot fence.

Can Halloween Clearance Sales Boost Economy?

Remember 70 Days Until Halloween

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Presidential economic advisor Austan Goolsbee, in one of his last official acts as Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, today stated that he hoped the massive clearance sales begun by retailers Wal-Mart and Walgreens to clear their shelves of unsold Halloween costumes and decorations as they begin to prepare for the 125 days of Christmas sales; would boost the current economy."

“There are now 70 days until Halloween,” said Goolsbee. “Traditionally retailers begin with 35% markdowns, but Duncan MacNaughton, Executive Vice President and Chief Merchandising Officer, Walmart U.S., has said that in hopes of lifting sales they have already slashed prices 55 percent and this could give us a pre-holiday bump in retail spending.”

Even with such price cuts, Goolsbee warned that there would not be a full consumer driven recovery. “I’ve become frustrated. The reason I am going back to University of Chicago is that the opposition, particularly the idiots of the Tea Party, have no understanding that general business principals do not and have never applied to the overall economy - especially on a national and international scale. If I can teach another way, maybe by 2036 we’ll see the beginnings of a recovery. As it stands now, since the idiocracy doesn’t understand economics, they stick to a party line that only works for a construction company during boom times.”

Walmart shopper Shaya Milagrew in Cleveland, Ohio though felt that the Halloween markdowns had come to late. “Like I am going to spend money to give little beggars shit,” she said. “Nor am I going to let my two boys waste any money dressing up as Captain America and Thor when we need bologna and mustard for dinner.”

Milwaukee Brewers Winning Streak Attributed to Microbrews

Prince Fielder attributes the Brewers' recent success
to a switch from Miller Lite to several local microbrews.
Photo By: Barbara Moore

FLUSHING, NY - The Milwaukee Brewers rallied late last night to defeat the New York Mets 6-2 and sweep the 3 game series played in New York. Prince Fielder drove in two runs and Ryan Braun went 3-for-5, scored two runs, and knocked in another as the Brewers have now won 22 of their last 25 games.

What is bringing on all this late season success? "We got tired of Miller Lite," Fielder told us. "It's kind of watery, doesn't really give you a buzz until you drink like 24 of them when you're my size, and even when you get a buzz, it doesn't last very long."

"So we decided as a team to start sampling some of the local Wisconsin microbrews," Fielder continued. "There are some great, great beers out here in this state that are strong, full-bodied, and give you that extra late-inning kick when you need it."

The Brewers, at 76-52 for the season, are 24 games over .500 for the first time since 2008. Braun says it's all about better beer. "For years this Milwaukee team was satisfied with bitter beer," he said. "Now that we've got good, young guys on the field, they want something more than just cheap, nasty beer to get them through a game. It's been a great change - I hope we never, ever go back."

America Yawns As Media Whore Marries Bench Riding Basketball Player

Ridiculous invitation to ridiculous wedding

 photo snarkerati.com

MONTECITO, CA – Americans went on about their business of raising families, going to work (those who have jobs), buying groceries and trying to make sense of their lives, fears and concerns while the unfortunately famous Kim Kardashian and unknown and unskilled NBA player Kris Humphries were married Saturday evening at a private estate.

While millions die from starvation in Eastern Africa and thousands are killed in Syria The bride spent thousands on a completely unnecessary custom Vera Wang gown, while the groom reportedly looked spiffy in an Ermenegildo Zegna tuxedo with a white jacket and tie. Husband and wife exchanged Lorraine Schwartz wedding bands, the same designer behind Kim's egregious 20.5-carat engagement ring.

Self-proclaimed "momzilla" Kris Jenner, who has now watched two of her bafflingly famous daughters walk down the aisle, also donned Vera Wang for the occasion. Meanwhile it has been confirmed that one third of the coal burning electricity generation plants in the United States will be forced to close over the next seven years raising consumer prices across the board on an already reeling American economy. Also a regime change appears likely in the North African country of Libya but ruler Muammar Gaddafi insists he will not be driven from power and called up on citizens to defend the capital city of Tripoli.

No big deal...

The multipart festivities for these ridiculously absurd people had been filmed from the start by a camera crew for E! Entertainment Network’s exclusive behind-the-scenes wedding special from the day the self important $250 invitations arrived swearing guests to secrecy.

While the newlyweds are patting themselves on the back for the decency of forgoing a filmed exotic honeymoon for now, they will not be donating either gifts or money to the less fortunate, unlike the United Kingdom’s Royal Couple of Prince William and Kate Middleton did earlier this year.

Most American’s seem to agree with Al Jefferson of Boatright, KY about the farcical display, who said: “Attention whore is as attention whore does.”