Texas OK's 85 MPH Speed Limit So You Get Away From Perry Faster

Texas raised their speed limit to 85 mph in certain areas today.
Though certain to cause deaths, proponents say it is necessary
in order to get people away from Perry's idiocracy.
Photo By: Ed Schipul

AUSTIN, TX - A new slate of laws went into effect in the state of Texas today, though only one is getting much attention... and that would be the fact that it will soon be legal to drive 85 mph in certain areas in the state.

"I know it seems risky and I'm certain there will be injuries, maimings, and some horribly gruesome deaths," said State Senator William Dakota, a Democrat from Fort Worth. "However, I and my colleagues felt that it was necessary to get this bill passed so that should our constituents wish to flee the idiocracy of Rick Perry, they can do so as quickly as possible."

Even though the Texas Department of Transportation still has to evaluate which stretches of highway to increase the limit and change the signs before it becomes official, Officer Gerald Brevens of the Texas Highway Patrol tells us that as far as he's concerned, the new limit is effective immediately. "If I could find the same job in a different state, I would," Brevens admitted to us. "People are sick to death of Perry and need to get away. So as long as they don't go 90 or so, I'm good."

I'm a Ghetto Superstar [A Poetic Essay]

Today I'm feeling ghetto fabulous.

Today I'm feeling ghetto righteous.

Today I'm feeling like I'm at the top of the ghetto world. Kind of like a ghetto superstar.

With the sun shining, the breezes blowing, the juices flowing, I will be able to conquer anything.

Maybe I'll find a job. Maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll go help my Mom. Maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll just stay here, sit on my ass, and smoke this amazing grass my Uncle Carl got in the parking lot of Big Lots yesterday.

Since it's such a beautiful day, that might just be the way to go. Maybe a quick hit before I get things started and go into uncharted waters.

They say that I will never succeed by smoking weed, but I don't believe them. "Them" don't understand "me." "Them" only understand the things that they see right in front of them.

"Them" don't believe in anything different than "them."

That's the problem with people these days. No acceptance. No love. No reason to stay the course and fight because there is only their version of right and everyone else is wrong.

Thoughts like this are going to change the world. That's why I'm feeling ghetto fabulous today. And then I'll change the world in my own unique way.

If you don't agree that's fine, but then get behind me because this ghetto train ain't stopping.

Republican National Chairman Calls For Total Nudity

Senator Roberto Arango of Puerto Rico the latest fool to
fall from grace because of a camera

WASHINGTON D.C. – Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested that all party members, both incumbent and those running for office at any level in the nation, post naked pictures of themselves on their own websites, Facebook walls and Twitter feeds as well as the GOP national website and social media links.

“Following Senator Roberto Arango’s revelations on the Grindr website I believe it is time to nip all controversy in the bud,” said Priebus in a press release. “It’s obvious that we’re all exhibitionists and have a proclivity to display ourselves, I know that there are probably pictures of me floating around from both my time at UWW and Miami.”

This past Friday, pictures of the former Bush campaign aide and homophobic Senator Arango surfaced online; the pictures that Arango took were too disturbing to post on a family news site like the Pummelo. Arango was caught not just naked, but in “compromising” positions. The Puerto Rican Senator tried to account for the photos, but did also resign from his post.

Dog Sues Michael Vick For $10 Million

PHILADELPHIA, PA - On the heels of Michael Vick signing a 6 year / $100 million contract with the Philadelphia Eagles with about $40 million of it guaranteed, attorneys for one of the dogs rescue from Vick's dog fighting ring have filed suit in district court.

"The entire nation knows just how much stress these dogs had to go through," said Bob McKenzie, who is representing the dog named Daisy. "Now that we know Mr. Vick has some guaranteed money coming into his accounts, we feel that it is only fair that my client be compensated for the pain and suffering that they had to endure."

As for the amount? "We do not feel that $10 million is excessive as it is only 25% of the guaranteed funds coming to Mr. Vick with the signing of this new contract," said McKenzie. "My client and I have waited for Mr. Vick to do the right thing. He has not. So now we're asking a judge and jury to make sure that Mr. Vick does the right thing."

Vick and his representatives had no comment for this story.

Anti-American Beavers Stealing Flags In Wisconsin

Could this fellow really be Anti-American?

MADISON, WI — Police in Madison have discovered an anti-American terrorist right in their own backyard.

Two Madison officers watched on Monday as two beavers snatched a flag off its wooden dowel and ran off with it, according to Lt. Eric Wright. The two officers where apparently shocked to see the two flat-tailed terrorists waddle off with the flag to stop them. This is the fourth flag stealing event in Madison this month.

Later, the two officers followed the trail to Goodman Park and found the flags hanging out on a damn.

Wright was careful to point out he can't prove all were the work of the same beavers.

Storm Of The Century Disappoints New Yorkers

Some of the minor flooding following Hurricane Irene

Photo by Jessie Rae Blatter

New York, NY – Bob Probst sits in his Queens home surrounded by $250 worth of candles, $1,000 worth of canned goods, Three generators and 100 gallons of gas, four dozen batteries, enough bottled water to flood Manhatten, windows plastered with duct tape, and he is discouraged that the “monster storm of the century,” a storm President Obama himself proclaimed a “historic hurricane,” has been downgraded into a run-of-the-mill tropical storm, the rain has stopped, and the sun is out.

“I just want to know what happened,” says Probst. “Storm of the Century, my fanny the wind barely broke 40 miles per hour.”

Probst isn’t alone; all across the five boroughs and the New England people are wondering where the historic storm went. “I could have gone out and ridden in this silly storm,” said Niles Ustes of Long Island. “Or flown a kite, this was not worse than normal storm, since when do New Yorkers jump to hysterics just because some fool in Florida says too?”

Mayor Michael Bloomberg though had a different take. “Look, you all slammed me last winter over a normal blizzard," Bloomberg said. "The stock market dips a couple of hundred points in a routine fluctuation, and everyone heads for the streets declaring that a second Great Depression is right around the corner. What do you people want?”

“Maybe the mayor has a point,” said Probst. “After all that whack job in California had a lot people convinced judgment day was coming, and there are people who think the world ends next December I guess we’re kind of hoping for an apocalypse.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dramatically announced, in one of three press conferences in just over 24 hours, that there was no need to worry because he had been consulting with governors Haley Barbour and Bobby Jindal and former governor Jeb Bush on how to respond to hurricanes. Today Christie plans 4 news conferences to discuss relief efforts in his barely damaged state, but he insists that it is far better to plan, worry and overreact than not react.

“Look in the past we’ve always been caught with our pants down, whether it truly having our pants down like Representative Wiener or over snow and flooding from a Nor’easter,” said Christie

Probst says it's all ok though, because he is now prepared for either a zombie apocalypse or a revolution on the part of the unemployed poor that Jim Cramer is warning about on MSNBC’s “Mad Money.”