Hanes To Make Massive Donation For GOP Bacon Collar Representation On Head

That's the best bacon collar head we've seen.
Photo By: Gage Skidmore

SIMI VALLEY, CA - Pundits may have declared Rick "Jim Dick" Perry the winner of last night's GOP debate, but the real winner came out today as Ron Paul happily accepted the promise of a large donation to his political campaign from Hanes.

Spokesperson Myra Banks tells us that they had to get Ron Paul onto the Hanes bandwagon because they had never seen such a great representation of their advertising campaign on anyone before. "Mr. Paul sported a fabulous bacon collar on his forehead last night on national television," said Banks. "We felt that it was only right to compensate him for his efforts in sporting such a historic look."

Ron Paul was grateful to accept the promise of compensation. "We all know that it takes a lot of money to fight big government, big bureaucracy, and everything else that Democrats and liberal Republicans bring to the table," he said. "I'm thankful that Hanes has gotten on board the train of common sense and hopefully together we can make some much needed changes for the people of this great country."

Rick "Jim Dick" Perry was the first to jump on the idea of criticizing the donation. "We all know that this is a political stunt meant to win over Hanes voters and is just another classic example of special interest funding that is ruining today's politics," Perry told us. "If I'm elected President, the first thing I'll do is sign an executive order banning things like this from happening."

Paul doesn't take Perry too seriously. "He's just jealous that I got my Hanes deal and he didn't get the Just For Men deal he was hoping for," Paul said. "That's probably because Perry doesn't smoke enough weed."

The donation from Hanes is expected some time within the next 2 weeks. Terms of the donation were not disclosed.

45 Years Later, Star Trek Proves Nichelle Nichols Is Still Hot

On this date in 1966, the series Star Trek debuted with probably one of the most terrible episodes ever, "The Man Trap." People who watched that episode on it's premier I am sure would have never thought that the world would celebrate the 45th anniversary of one of the best known, most loved, and arguably most controversial science fiction shows ever created.

My family has always been secretly or not so secretly into science fiction. The first vivid movie I can remember attending in the theater is Star Trek IV. I can remember my mom remarking that it was about time that Kirk got what he actually wanted and that it had been "ridiculously stupid" that they had made him an admiral in the first place.

In continuing with the family tradition, I took my wife [who grew up on Westerns] to Star Trek: Generations - not one of the best dates ever... but she loved me enough to see First Contact, Insurrection, & Nemesis in the theaters. She's the one who dragged me to the 2009 reboot, which was not good, not bad, just decent... kind of like Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

It's true that every Trekkie has their own favorites. Whether it's Spock, Geordie, Dr. Bashir, or you're weird and like someone off of Voyager, most picks are because they like the character. For me, I'm a big Uhura fan, but it's because I'm a big Nichelle Nichols fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can mock me for not liking Picard or Data more. Go ahead.

In an era where it made a difference if you were white or black, Nichols courageously pranced around the bridge of the Starship Enterprise in one of the worst uniform concepts ever made for a supposed real-life space opera. I mean, if you had one small accident and then had to fight a bad guy karate-style, the whole universe is going to see the railroad tracks on your drawers... not to mention all the young Ensigns who would be accidentally slipping on the floors to get a quick upskirt peek. Yet she pulled it off and did it with her own unique flair.

You can say what you want about Shatner, Nimoy, or Kelley, but Star Trek would never have made it without Nichols, Doohan, or even Mr. OhhhMyyyy George Takei. They might not have made the big bucks, but they're the ones who gave the series life. It's unfortunate that it took Roddenberry two full seasons and then some to really recognize it.

So on this 45th anniversary, I just want to say one thing: Nichelle Nichols, you're still hot. Thanks for making Star Trek into what it has become in today's society - a place of hope, where one day mankind might stop all this senseless bickering and cooperate to the betterment of each soul on this planet.