Wales Warns Porn Stars To Stay Away Due To Angry Badgers

Badgers, hungry or making statement about human morality

CARDIFF, WALES - Cheryl Gillan, Secretary of State for Wales issued a warning to all adult film actors and dwarves in the United Kingdom to be wary of coming to Wales for the time being.

“The Ministry of Agriculture is not sure what has riled these badgers but for the time being we want to be careful and not feed them anymore humans,” said Gillan.

The warning came one week after the discovery of 35 year old dwarf film actor Percy Foster in a badger set in near Tregaron, west Wales.

Gillan said an investigation was continuing on how the diminutive actor was taken by the badgers, six of whom were gassed following the discovery. “At this time we cannot explain how the badgers captured tis little man, or why they choose him, I personally believe it was because they were disgusted with the morality of sodomy and seeing him roger someone in the arse,” she stated.

Territorial police have yet to disclose how the animals captured Foster and if they believe this assault were directed at him as a dwarf or adult film actor or even because of his resemblance to Star Television Chef Gordon Ramsey, but Constable Merton Higgs recommended the advisory by the Secretary of State.

“Badgers are a notoriously difficult animal regardless of what one reads in ‘Wind in the Willows’,” said Higgs. “I just feel it is better we do this until we fully understand the motives of these beasts.”

Man Accuses Alien Armada of Discrimination Over Lack of Anal Probing

Jacob Hurley of Kearney, NE, is suing an alien armada for
failing to probe him anally after a recent abduction. "I've
waiting all my life to be captured and probed," Hurley said.
"They told me I just wasn't pretty enough."

KEARNEY, NE - In the fields outside this central Nebraska town, Jacob Hurley sits comfortably, lonely, and visibly disappointed.

In the wee hours of July 29th of this year, Hurley was abducted with 199 others by an alien armada. After being subjected to a number of tests, Hurley and the others were returned safely to their beds.

For many, the experience was extremely horrific in the fact that they were exposed to painful testing. For Hurley, however, the experience was downright torture. "I saw all these people with their britches down around their ankles and these aliens stick things up their bum," Hurley told us. "Yet, when it came to be my turn to have something shoved up my rectum, the aliens just laughed at me and move on."

When Hurley asked the aliens why he wasn't being anally probed, he was told it was because he wasn't pretty enough. "I've been waiting all my life to be captured and probed," said Hurley. "Then, when I finally get that opportunity, it doesn't happen. That's discrimination, pure and simple."

Because of that discrimination, Hurley filed papers yesterday with the Buffalo County Courts, which is how we found out about his story. Hurley is suing the alien armada that abducted him for $45 million because of the pain and suffering he experienced due to not being probed anally due to his ugliness. "Instead of having my ass hurt, they hurt my heart," Hurley said sadly. "That's not ok in my book."

There was no response from the alien armada for our request for comment via the SETI Satellite System. Hurley says he's not surprised. "Bullies never take responsibility for their actions. I doubt I'll ever hear from them again."

The initial hearing in this case is set for December 9th.

Dear Barnaby: Are Microchips Good For Pets?

Dear Barnaby:
Have you heard about Willow, the kitty that was found in New York City after five years of separation from her family in Colorado. She was found with a microchip, do you have a microchip?  - Concerned Cat Lover

Dear CCL:
Oh for Bast’s sake are you kidding?! No, I live by my wits and by the fang, a microchip, Phee! I still have my harbbles thank you. Has anyone considered Willow had tickets to Wicked or Memphis and just couldn’t get a cab? Maybe she ran away on purpose, microchip implants are wrong, hissss!

Dear Barnaby: 
Did you see those wackos cheering for people to die at the Tea Party debate? – Intrigued By Animals.

Dear IBA:
Big deal I cheer for people to die all the time, I’d be thrilled if Rick Perry fell over and died. All humans, except those with Cruelty Prevention, are wackos you kill each other for fun You’re a disturbing species.

Dear Barnaby:
Living in England have you seen Pippa? Is she hot in person? – Royal Lover

Dear Royal:
I repeat humans are a disturbing species, kings and queens? I don’t know why you care there are better looking woman pouring beer on themselves in Eugene, Oregon this weekend, or Austin or Tuscaloosa, or any place they play that goofy American football..

Dear Barnaby is an occasional advice column for pet owners and animal lovers. He answers your letters on the occasion he feels like being more condescending then normal. Send questions to thepummelo@hotmail.com if you want Barnaby to give you a crap answer too.

Shatner Admits Being Upset About Not Hooking Up With Princess Leia

Shatner says that Kirk should have had the opportunity
to get his freak on with Princess Leia & George Lucas
prevented it. "The fans would have loved it," Shatner told
us. Photo By: Jerry Avenaim

HOLLYWOOD, CA - It's not a big surprise to many that William Shatner, the actor who portrayed the iconic character Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek, is not a big fan of the Star Wars franchise.

"Lucas copied everything that made Star Trek a worldwide franchise without giving anyone any credit," Shatner said in an interview that he posted to his Twitter account. "From hot alien babes to crazy villains to story lines that sometimes make little to no sense at all - that's what Star Trek is in a nutshell."

"He needs to give the proper credit where credit is due," Shatner continued. "There would be no Star Wars without Star Trek."

Lucas tells us that the story is a little different than Shatner is attempting to portray. "Shatner saw what we were able to do with the Star Wars stories and he wanted a piece of it," Lucas told exclusively. "I mean - don't get me wrong - I don't blame the guy because he was living out of a camper in the San Fernando Valley during this period of time because the only work he had was basically Star Trek: The Motion Picture."

"As sorry as I felt for him I would never cross the two franchises," Lucas continued. "It would break the integrity of both story lines in such a ridiculous way that no one except the truly nerdy would ever pay any attention to either show."

Control Refuses To Acknowledge If Agent Is Theirs Or Just An Idiot

Archibald Gurnsey, federal agent or idiot?

DENVER, CO – A gentleman burglar was caught Monday evening after he called 911 to rescue him from an air conditioning duct leading from the roof of the Denver Mint.

When officers arrived on the scene, Archibald Gurnsey, 67, told them “Mission Failed” and that he was “a special agent from the United States Security Agency Control, agent number 31” and had rappelled onto the mint from a helicopter.

Beyond being in the duct, there were no reports of a helicopter in the area and the 12 block section of the mint and Colorado Capital Building are restricted airspace.

Gurnsey said he was following orders to “confiscate” plates for the coming run of 2012 100 bills, according to the report.

However, Gurnsey told officers his “partner” called while he was in air-vent limbo to say they made a mistake and the plates to be destroyed were in the Philadelphia Mint instead.

Gurnsey is facing federal burglary charges and is held on $200,000 bond at the Denver City & County Jail.

The federal agency known as Control is responsible for both domestic and international intelligence and security and refuses to comment or acknowledge their own existence. 

Naked, Strolling Kansas Man Was Only Saving Souls

Wesley Johnson, clothed, for his
Arkansas City court apperance

ARKANSAS CITY, KA - We all express our faith in different ways—it's part of what makes us human. Wesley Johnson of Arkansas City, Kansas likes to give his testimony of faith by walking back and forth in front of the gates to the Creekstone Farms Premium Beef processing plant, while completely naked. It's what he calls "professing."

“The Great Haidiko gave me this body and told me to use it to show his glory, and to do it where people would take notice,” Johnson explained.

Unfortunately for Johnson, 17, some of the 700 employees of the plant and other folks don't classify such activities as "professing." During one of his recent missions, he was arrested by local police officers who found him standing in the security entrance in front of a small group of people, “his genitalia ‘plainly’ visible,” according to the police report.

Apparently the guard of the day had reported Johnson to the cops after feeling more alarmed than comforted by his nude spirituality. When asked for his ID, Johnson told police, "You can't take me to jail for this, I'm just out here helping people to God." Then police took him to jail.

This was Johnson's 33rd arrest for indecency and loitering.

George Lucas Sues AGT Winner Because Name Is Too Similar

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. was grateful to win AGT yesterday
but George Lucas is pretty pissy today.
Photo from Facebook

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Last night was the greatest night ever for Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. After singing a classic Vegas hit, 2% of America voted and named him the winner of the world's largest talent contest for 2011.

"I just thank all the fans for voting, watching, and caring about me," Murphy had said. "My hope is that I can inspire hope for all of your hopes and dreams."

Murphy woke up this morning, however, to a subpoena from none other than George Lucas. Why? Lucas is suing Murphy for $10 million because of name infringement.

Lucas wouldn't comment publicly on the lawsuit, but according the papers filed with Orange County Courts, Lucas states that Murphy's name is too similar to the fictional character Lando Calrissian to be coincidence and that the skinny black dude even kind of looks like the actor in the movie and that none of that is ok by him because he didn't give any permission to tinker with anything that is in anyway similar to Star Wars.

No really - that's exactly what the lawsuit claims.

Strange And Sinister Hot Dog Man Unnerves Iowans

Who is the Hot Dog Man?

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA - On the morning of September 12, Council Bluffs, Iowa residents became concerned they were facing an invasion from space or another dimension

The concern came about because of stranger who was lurking across from the school bus stop on Benton Street and appeared to be an anthropomorphized hot dog man.

Witness Bob Flowers said he saw the children hiding behind the bus and bush so he looked and saw the odd creature. “I didn’t know what it was, but in these times we have to be vigilant,” Flowers said. “Stopped and got my .30-30 from the rack and told the fella to freeze.”

A tense stand off ensued as the police were called. The police arrived and found that the alien creature had some how been frozen in position.

The sinister creature appears to be preparing itself for combat when it froze; it seems to be applying a special sauce to itself. Even though any potential danger seems to have been diverted, police took the Hot Dog Man into custody just to be on the safe side.

The question everyone in Council Bluffs is asking is why was it lurking around the bus stop, where any child could get an eyeful of its wiener?

This wasn’t the first appearance of the creature, creatures; they have been spotted on

S. 8th Street and Eighth Avenue in the past. "Nobody knows anything about it, other than that we have it in our custody,” said Council Bluffs Police Department Capt. Terry LeMaster.

Even before the question could be asked LeMaster, a 28-year veteran with the department, said, "No, I have not seen anything like this before."

Hot Dog Men have been appearing since at least 2003, when a short film titled, “Hot Dog Man: A Case Study,” about a appearances in Durham, N.C. Filmmaker Jim Haverkamp doesn’t particuarily feel safe about the creatures, “I can’t say I really trust it,” he says in the film.

An Internet search shows Hot Dog Man’s been sighted across the country, from Seattle to Earlysville, Va., a small town outside Charlottesville. He’s been spotted abroad as well, in Japan but no one knows what these creatures want.

“We’ve tried interrogation,” said LeMaster. “But he just isn’t talking... or moving for that matter.”

Yeti Attack Capital; Declare Independence

Nuuk looks calm now, but just hours ago Yeti stormed
this street. Photo By: Drake Miler

NUUK, GREENLAND - Locals in this former Dutch colony were shocked this morning to wake up and see over 1,000 Greenlandic Yeti storming through the streets of their capital city.

"It was the damnedest thing I've ever seen," Drake Miller, a reporter for NBC News, told us by phone this morning. "This huge beasts were just running through the streets, slaughtering people who stood in their way, and screaming loudly. It was like a bad version of Harry and the Hendersons."

According to the Yeti spokesbeast, the Greenlandic Yeti are sick and tired of being treated as second class citizens. "Do you know how hard it is to live on a glacier every day of your life?" the spokesbeast asked. "Do you know what it's like to see everyone received a $11,000 stipend for living here while we get frozen fish, seal blubber, and the occasional polar bear?"

"We want more," demanded the spokesbeast. "We want more because we deserve much more than this. You all may scoff at the Yeti, but you will be scoffing no more. We want our freedom."

According to official estimates, the current death toll from the Yeti stampede and occupation stands at 141.

Authorities in Denmark, who are responsible for the security forces on Greenland, had no comment for us, but Miller tells us that they are planning on sending a highly skilled military team in to retake the capital from it's Yeti occupiers. "My sources tell me that they intend to capture as many of the Yetis as possible and inter them into zoos worldwide to help bail out some of their failing banks."

The invasion is set for 9pm PST today. We'll update you on this story as more information becomes available.

Football Is Back, So Who Gives a Shit About Terrorism?

A rant about economics. By me.

Week 1 in the NFL is in the books.

In a special nod to all Americans, of course the opening weekend of NFL football falls on the 10th anniversary of September 11th. Amidst all of the patriotism displayed in red, white, and blue gloves, cleats, and ribbons all proudly displayed, only one thing came to my mind: who really gives a shit about terrorism now?

Big business is who gives a shit about terrorism. How much money do you think Reebok is going to clear having players wear patriotic equipment? How much do you think the NFL is going to clear between broadcast rights and the Sunday Ticket [now conveniently also available on your PS3] at $350 per household for the season because heaven forbid I be able to watch a Bears game living near Seattle?

Take that outside of football for a moment, though. Major League Soccer had players wearing "Never Forget" cleats that were being auctioned off for charity. Major League Baseball ran tributes. Some teams wore new alternative uniforms. Two words for you: marketing and money. Obviously I must purchase and wear these things to support my team and prove that terrorism doesn't work, right?

I know it sounds skeptical, but that's all terrorism has become - how much money can I take away from someone or how much money can I make off of someone. We live in a fear based society because we live in a consumerism driven society. The government makes money when I spend money. It takes money to fight terrorism. It takes money to rebuild after a terrorist attack. It's a dirty, dirty cycle.

The only way to change this is to change our culture, unfortunately. With knowledge doubling every 18 months and projected within the next 10 years to be doubling every 6 months, in addition to our perceived need to have the latest things immediately, things are only going to get worse and worse. More fear = more products = more spending. That's how our government and others around the world are going to stay in power, so that's exactly what will be constantly shoved down our throats.

So what can you do? Save your money. Eliminate your debts. Don't just purchase things because someone tells you that you should. Make your own stuff. Start an art project. Do anything that is different than the current political and economic norm. That is how you defeat terrorism, my friends. Not by spending the almighty dollar or euro or pound or whatever else, but by making yourself and your family better than you were each and every day.

However, if you must spend your money on something, a purchase of a Pummelo product or a click on an advertisement helps continue rants like these.