UN to Require Palestinians to Do Truffle Shuffle For Membership

Jeff Cohen did the Truffle Shuffle in the movie The Goonies.
Now for Palestine to become a recognized state, they will
have to do the dance as well. 

NEW YORK, NY - In a surprise move this morning, the United Nations has granted the resolution to make Palestine an independent state and with it Palestine will also be given a conditional seat within the worldwide body of governments.

The condition, however, has all of Palestine in an uproar because to obtain the seat, several Palestinians will be required to perform the Truffle Shuffle, made famous by Jeff Cohen in the movie The Goonies, before the full General Assembly.

Susan Rice, Ambassador to the UN for the United States, said the entire process has been counterproductive. "Palestine doesn't even have their own land, first of all," she said. "Secondly, most of those people are awfully skinny and frankly, who can blame them? Have you eaten Middle Eastern food? I did once and had diarrhea for three weeks."

"Because of their skinniness," Rice continued, "it is a well known fact that they will be unable to properly perform a Truffle Shuffle. Only fat people can do it accurately, which means they will never be able to meet the condition of statehood or be able to obtain a seat in the General Assembly. It's just all a colossal waste of time."

Kids 12 & Under Call Ghostbusters Return "Lame"

Kids today call the return of the original Ghostbusters to
theaters this Halloween lame. This has caused their parents
to call their kids lame in return. Photo By: Geoff Stearns

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Sony Pictures Entertainment announced this week that the 1984 smash hit Ghostbusters will be making a limited 3 Thursday return to theaters in time for Halloween. The movie will show on approximately 500 screens nationwide on October 13, 20, & 27.

Jamal Turner, 11, of Laguna Beach, CA, tells us that this is pretty lame. "I don't want to see some stupid lame movie from when my dad was 4," he told us. "I want to see something awesome that involves blood, gore, and multiple body parts being amputated. Now that's a movie."

Frank Turner, 31, and Jamal's father, snorted loudly. "That statement right there is just proof that you're lame, son."

Sony Pictures Executive Rory Bruer says that he and his company ain't afraid of no ghosts this Halloween. "Our favorite ghost catchers are primed and ready to capture the imaginations of the next generation," said Bruer. "Just because the movie was released in 1984 doesn't mean that it's still not good. It does mean that you can see what Harold Ramis looked like when he was skinny though."

The three day showing over three weeks is expected to generate about 2 million DVD sales off of the $5 rack at Walmart. "Yeah, we wanted to move those units where we combined the first Ghostbusters with the second," admitted Bruer. "That was kind of a bad marketing decision on our part."

Man Depressed To Find Out Facebook Timeline Shows Heavy Prozac Usage

Maurer was shocked to see that the only thing he does
is take Prozac.

KOKOMO, IN - Carl Maurer will be the first one to tell you that he's never had many friends. He'd also be the first one to tell you that he struggles with loneliness, depression, and alcoholism daily.

"The little bit of interaction I got on Facebook playing games like Farmville and Mafia Wars was like a lifeline to me," Maurer tells us. "It was like I was finally getting out into the world."

Maurer, who was home-schooled for every grade and has made a career working from home as an envelope stuffer, manages to leave his home only twice per month when his checks come in as his employer doesn't offer direct deposit. "The tellers are pretty much the only real people I know on Facebook, but I never talk to them because they seem to have normal lives."

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, during the f8 Conference today, excitedly told the assembled crowd about Timeline, a new feature which allows real time sharing of content, that would soon be incorporated into Facebook. "We want Facebook to look like your home," Zuckerberg said. "Timeline will be the definition of you."

Timeline became available to a limited number of Facebook users as a beta test, or "soft opening," almost immediately after Zuckerberg's announcement. Maurer was one of the lucky few. "I felt special," Maurer said. "I don't get that feeling often."

Millions of Moms Heard; Morally Offensive Ice Cream To Be Removed

The antifamily morally offensive ice cream
is set to melt in hell.

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT – Ben & Jerry’s Spokesman Sean Greenwood announced today that the One Million Mom’s planned boycott against the company has been so successful that the company will cease creation of their “Schweddy Balls” flavor immediately and will also stop all current social activism.

“We have seen the error of our ways,” said Greenwood. “This campaign was so significant, after all One Million Mom’s and thus One Million Husbands and in all Probability 4 to 14 million children is a demographic that we can’t challenge.”

Rather than continue to create the offending flavor, or any flavor Greenwood said the company has started an immediate recall of all their flavors and will within a week ship only “Wildmon’s Flavorless Ice.”

“We’ve heard Reverend Wildmon’s message,” said Greenwood. “All of our progressive activities and flavors have been anti-family and encouraged anti-American values and from this day forward we will do nothing that might entice or encourage any activity that could be in any way deemed ‘progressive’ or divisive all of our efforts will be to show that capitalism and a homogeneous society of White Anglo-Saxon Protestant beliefs and values is best.”

In response Donald Wildmon said he is encouraged. “I want to thank Mr. Greenwood so much for becoming a voice for decency in America. These efforts against the immorality that bombards us and our children everyday are a long time coming but must be applauded.”

Actor Alec Baldwin who created the character of Pete Schweddy for whom the offending product was named could not be reached for comment.

Mom Sues Children for $2,250/Month Parental Support

A new addition to The Pummelo is that we will occasionally be reporting on real news stories that no matter how hard you tried, you could never make up yourself in a million years. Like this one. -G

BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA - A man and his siblings are being sued by their 73-year-old mother for parental support in this western Canadian province. The mother, who just happened to have abandoned her three children over 30 years ago now while the oldest was just 15, wants $750 a month in financial support in British Columbia, Canada from each of her three kids. In other words, if the resulting investigation finds that she is eligible for this support, her three children will be forced to pay her a combined total $2,250 a month.

Shirley Anderson, 73, believes that her son Ken Anderson, 47, and her two other children whose names were left undisclosed are responsible for supporting her now that she is in the later part of her life. She can apply for this support because in British Columbia there is a law called the "Family Relations Act" that holds adult children responsible for legally supporting parents.

Shirley abandoned her son Ken, the oldest of the three, when he was just 15-years-old. According to ABC News, "Ken Anderson, a married truck driver with two children, told CBC News his mother left when his parents and younger brother moved from the town of Osoyoos, bordering Washington state, to the region around the Kootenay River, nine hours away. The CBC reported he stayed with other families and quit school to work."

Though this case has just recently hit the news, Ken has been fighting this lawsuit for 11 years. Shirley has constantly refused to submit financial documentation as ordered by the court, and according to Ken, this is because the case will be immediately dismissed once the papers are filed.



You can read the source article, by Ann Warren for The Post-Chronicle here.

Troy Davis Deserved Better... As Does Each Condemned Individual

Though this is a satire site dedicated to humor, sarcasm, and a general philosophy of spreading the truth to the masses in a different manner, every so often you've got to say what needs to be said, humor or not.

This post is one of those times.

Troy Davis may or may not have been innocent. If he was an innocent man, he died bravely yesterday at 11:08 pm in Georgia. If he was not an innocent man, then the law followed its natural course and I guess you could say that the injustice that many feel today is not so great.

A man who got very little attention yesterday, Lawrence Russell Brewer, was also executed by the State of Texas. A white supremacist who committed a very vile crime with at least two other men by torturing and dragging James Byrd, Jr. behind his truck for miles, many believe he had what was coming to him and that there was no doubt about his guilt.

What happened to Troy Davis was wrong. What happened to Lawrence Russell Brewer was just as wrong.

As R.E.M. Breaks Up, College Students Ask "Who?"

R.E.M. back when they were popular - like 1985 or something.
Photo By: Yves Lorson

ATHENS, GA – High school and college students around the nation today began asking their parents who the Alt-Rock/Progressive Folk band R.E.M. is after hearing news that the group largely unknown to them was breaking up.

 “I have no Idea who these guys are,” said University of Georgia student Laurie Wilks. “I was watching the news and they said coming up they had sad news about R.E.M., and I was thinking well I barely get sleep now what’s the deal, turns out they were talking about some religious band, I don’t know why that made the news?”

Wilks isn’t alone. Fellow UGA student Tyler Prentiss said he was planning to join a protest over Troy Davis’s execution when his mother called and asked if I had heard about R.E.M. "I asked what she was talking about and she started talking about some college band, well I cut her off to leave for Atlanta," Prentiss said.

The little known band formed 31 years ago and apparently had a number of hits a generation ago including “What's the Frequency, Kenneth?” and “Losing My Religion”. However the band has not had a top 50 charting song in the U.S since 2001 or a charting album since 2003.

Cultural professor Zane Beadles stated that for the parents of today’s college students R.E.M. was something of a cultural force, not as powerful as U2 but meaningful. “I think with ‘Monster’ and many other albums they had a significant impact on a generation,” said Beadles. “In fact ‘Happy Shiny People’ went beyond just a charting song into slang for a short time. So they will be remembered but is this news significant? I’d say no since Modern Cultural Ethnography and Anthropology are my topics and I thought they had broken up and stopped recording years ago.”

While the news apparently does effect some parents high school student Robert Flair was far more concerned about how his Facebook page was again changed. “Yeah I read something about it on Twitter but really I’m trying to get people to go over to Google+ and deal with this stupid layout change in Facebook, frankly I could care less.”

Santorum Asks Google To Stop Spreading Santorum Everywhere

It's no secret that Rick Santorum has a Google problem of Uranus proportions.

Because of the search results one gets from putting in Santorum's name into Google's search engine, Santorum today requested that Google wipe his slate clean and stop providing search results that make good old fashioned people cringe.

"They wouldn't be allowing this if someone came up with a new definition for Joe Biden," Santorum said tartly. "It's time to be fair across the board for everyone."

Just in case this does happen, we believe it is important to put down Santorum's Top 10 comments to blog form so that we can put it back into the search engines immediately. So after the jump, please find our Top 10 comments that Rick Santorum has made publicly and you can judge for yourself if voting for Santorum and spreading his philosophies is worth it.

Full Tilt Poker Ponzi Scheme "Amateurish"

A Special to The Pummelo. By Bernie Madoff.


Oh you stupid, stupid people. Thinking that you could cheat millions of poker players out of hundreds of millions of dollars by running an internet gambling site. You guys are the definition of amateurish.

You're pathetic.

It only took you 5 years to get busted. It took the Feds decades to get me. You know why? I wasn't as greedy as you fools. Sure - I got billions upon billions of dollars, but I accumulated that slowly over the years and if the economy wouldn't have tanked I would have been able to pay off the debts owed and no one would have been the wiser.

You? You ran your scheme based on a game of chance. You're idiots. In fact, you give idiots a bad name. Even the guys who play three card monty in Brooklyn are smarter than you. Sure, they don't make as much money, but they also rarely get caught.

Hope all that time you spent in front of the computer screen clicking away people's money has you flexible enough to be able to grab your ankles. If not, you'd better expect some cramping the first couple weeks you're in prison. And you'd better hope you didn't rip off money from people on your block. That's another reason why you're so amateurish - at least I didn't steal $50 from your average blue collar joe who has four shotguns in his truck.

Losers.

You're going to get what you deserve. If your customers don't get you, someone behind the bars will. If you still have some money left over, I highly recommend that you invest in those $68 Louis Vuitton condoms. It's not going to help you any, but at least you'll still feel like you've got some class left when it's all over. That and make sure you know how to make toilet water wine.

The funny thing about all this: you're going to make me look like a saint when this is all said and done. I might even get out of prison because of you. So in that, I should thank you.

But you're still pathetic.

Struggling Musician Takes Solace In Watch "Airheads" Daily

Rodriguez on his usual corner, after watching Airheads.

BARCELONA, SPAIN - Francisco Rodriguez moved to Spain 4 years ago in order to make a better, more productive life for himself as an artist.

"I just wasn't getting any opportunities in the United States, so I decided to go overseas where they truly understand the plight of the musician," Rodriguez told us this morning. "Going to Spain was, at the time, the best decision of my life."

After initially getting noticed on a street corner, Rodriguez was in the final stages of finishing his first album, called Rodrigo, when the label filed for bankruptcy, terminated his contract, and left him sputtering in the cool coastal breezes. Initially this didn't phase Rodriguez. "I could make a decent living on the streets and now I had copies of an album pressed that I could sell as well. Figured I'd be rolling in the dough."

But that wasn't to be. The economy went bad, people started hating street corner musicians, and Rodriguez felt broke, lonely, and worthless. That's when he found the 1994 movie Airheads starring Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, and Adam Sandler. "It was like I had found my personal Bible," recounts Rodriguez. "After seeing it for the first time, I knew I had finally found something that had touched my soul and I needed more of it."

From that day almost 2 years ago, Rodriguez has viewed Airheads over 750 times - at least once per day. "It has really gotten me through these tough times," said Rodriguez. "Without this movie, I know for I fact that I would be completely destitute."

Stupid People Ignite Controversy Over Sign At Football Game

Sign held up at football game that old man didn't understand

PLAINESVILLE, OH — Pleasentville crushed Plainesville Harvey during Friday night's high school football game, but it was what happened after the game that has people talking.

"At the conclusion of the game, some of their students and parents put up a sign that we believe was racial intimidation, ethnic intimidation," said Geoffrey Sutter, president of the Plainesville County chapter of the NAACP, and complete idiot, who was also at the game.
"For them to put it up there was as bad as a noose," said Sutter
The big sign read: 'You Mad Bro.' "I think the reference to 'bro' in the sign definitely has a racial connection to it," said Jefferson T. Pierce, superintendent for Plainesville City Schools.

However student Byron Sutter, no relation, said there was no racism involved. “Huh? That’s just dumb,” said Sutter the student body president at Pleasentville. “No one should be that dumb, unless they are RL (Real Life) trolls, It's a meme used when someone is already angry and you say it just to make them more angry.”

Geoffrey Sutter said he now knows the phrase is an internet term, but he's not convinced that's the whole story.“I am still of the opinion that there was racial undertones, overtones, to the comment based upon the culture of our community we live in,” He said. “This is a hateful, abominable place and they did something they knew was racist but like all modern David Dukes thought they could get away with.”

Byron Sutter, though, thinks the NAACP should focus. “Why can’t they save their rage for actual, God-honest racism?”

Musician Banned From France For Lack of Creativity

Marie Givonet, shown here performing in Paris,
has been banned from France because she sucks as
a musician.

PARIS, FRANCE - French officials took the unusual step today of banning a musician, Marie Givonet, from their country because her work was not considered creative enough.

"We juzt felt that it waz necezzary in order to keep zee common good happy," said French Foreign Minister Jacques Nomet. "If you had liztened to Mz. Givonet on zee street, you would feel zee zame way."

Apparently Givonet would sit on street corners or in plazas and randomly strike notes on her instrument with her bow without any coherence. "It waz like hearing a cat whine while having zee nails zcratch down a chalkboard," said Nomet. "Zimply terrible."

Givonet tells us that she is not planning on giving up without a fight. "I will be back panhandling in the plazas and street corners very soon," she told us defiantly. "They banned me because I don't have a very good French accent, nor could I tell you what the migrating patterns of the African Swallow were."

"Ridiculous, I saw. Absolutely ridiculous."

A hearing is set in Paris for Givonet on December 9th. Until then, Givonet says she'll practice her art in Germany. "At least there they like a little plucking," she said.

Worship Pastor Criticized For Going Secular With Hip Hop Moves

Smith shows off the move exclusively for The Pummelo
that got him fired Monday from First Baptist Church.

PORTLAND, OR - Nathan Smith knew from the instant that he was born that his mission in life was to praise the Lord. He also knew that he had been called to help get others to praise the Lord with him.

Therefore, Smith graduated from seminary with a bachelor's degree in music theory and accepted his first part time job as a worship leader in a very traditional church.

"That was probably my mistake right there," admits Smith. "I knew they weren't into funky fresh music, but I saw the dollar signs, I knew I had student loans coming due, so I compromised my black self to satisfy my white self."

At first the congregation of First Baptist Church in Portland, whose average age is 78, accepted him with open, loving arms. "He was exactly what we were looking for," Verna Wells, 89, tells us. "He could sing a hymn so beautifully that you could hear the angels themselves stop and listen. You could feel the Lord moving amongst us."

Then what happened? "The devil got a hold of him," Wells said bitterly. "I'm pretty sure he was demon possessed. At first he started closing his eyes while leading us in worship. Then it just went all downhill from there."