Friday, October 7, 2011
Though cameras were not rolling and no one was there to witness the event, Executive Producer Helen Myers tells us that the plan was to film a show about making a sour cherry pie. "Martha loves a good sour cherry pie and she wanted to share her recipe with her millions of fans," said Myers. "Obviously something must have happened to the pie to garner such a reaction out of Martha."
Todd Banks was the first on the scene and he tells The Pummelo exclusively that he saw a horrible sight in the oven. "Martha's sour cherry pie had exploded inside her oven," Banks tells us. "It's as if someone deliberately popped it on her to ruin her reputation."
Banks also tells us that it was impossible for the sour cherry pie to pop itself. "As you know, Martha utilizes a very open lattice crust that allows for the cherry goodness to bubble and flavor the butter crust," said Banks. "Martha has never had a tight crust that resisted being penetrated by heat like some other cooks do. That's what sets her apart from all the other chefs in my humble opinion."
Pie expert Michael Mason agrees with Banks' assessment. "I've always found Martha's pies to be easy to access, excellent in flavor, and very warm and moist. There's no way she would have made a mistake as grave as would make her pie self-pop."
Myers tells us that the sour cherry pie episode being filmed will be put off indefinitely. As for Stewart, she was taken to a local hospital and is reported to be in stable condition. Doctors are keeping there overnight for observation.
|Lyle Martino won't even eat chocolate cake.|
"Yeah, I love Mommy and some days I love Eric and Kyle," Martino tells us. "Some days I don't like my brothers though. Sometimes they can be really, really mean."
With Eric and Kyle in school all day, Lyle tells us that his preference for spending the day involves Mommy time, movies, games, going to the playground, and presents. "I like presents," he tells us with a toothy smile. "It should be somebody's birthday every day."
There is one catch to all this happiness, however. "Lyle is a very picky eater," Rosario, his mother, tells us. "In fact, there's really only one thing I can get him to eat any more."
And what is that food? "Mac and cheese," says Lyle with a smile. "That is the only food that humans should eat."
And it's not just mac and cheese. "Lyle will only eat Kraft brand mac and cheese," Rosario said with a sigh. "I've tried using the generic Kroger brand, the generic Walmart brand... I've even tried making homemade mac and cheese. He can tell the difference and won't touch it."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
|Perry Anthony allegedly agreed to kill Rick "Jim Dick"|
Perry for just 30 large Godfather's pizzas.
Perry came under fire yesterday as he allegedly hired a hitman for Cain yesterday because of Cain's double digit jump in the polls and leap to first place, displacing Perry to third. The details of that can be viewed here.
"We have detained a young man by the name of Perry Anthony. He is slightly obese, slightly schizophrenic, and was babbling on in the park about how he had just gotten hired to take out a psycho Christian crackpot," said Border Patrol spokesperson Brian Embree. "When we moved in to question him, he threw a whole stack of gift certificates, 30 of them in all, at the agents."
And what were these gift certificates for? "Each gift certificate entitled the bearer to one large, one-topping Godfather's pizza," Embree answered.
Cain tells us that this is not part of his 9-9-9 plan. "I know it looks bad having a bald white dude talking about killing another white dude that has great hair and is a God brownnoser, but I'm telling you straight up - I did not hire anyone to kill Perry even though he hired someone to kill me yesterday."
Can Cain prove that assertion? "I'd be a fool to try to kill a white guy. I'm black - they'd kill me for even thinking about it," said Cain.
Perry says that he's not very surprised. "It only goes to show you how people view Christians in this country today," said Perry. "You try to kill one person and by proxy you're trying to kill everyone. I hope he burns in Hell."
Cain just smiled when we told him Perry's comment. "I wouldn't wish Hell on any man," said Cain, "but he's more than welcome to eat all the Domino's Pizza he wants. They put some strange stuff in there, man."
|The iGhost app will be given free to families |
and counter demonstators
CUPERTINO, CA – Following the stunning announcement regarding the creation of the iGhost application, current Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the first public use of the application will be on iPads given away to the families of soldiers who died in Iraq and Afghanistan whose lives and families were offensively disrespected by picketers from the Westboro Baptist Church.
“We will be donating 1,000 iPads loaded with iGhost for beta testing to the families of the 400 soldiers that these protestors have disrespected, as well as the students of Oak Hills High School in Cincinnati,” explained Cook. “There will be tutors present to help everyone connect to the spirit world. Our intention is for the voices of these soldiers and other powerful spirits such as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi to join in the refuting of these individuals.”
The rollout demonstration of iGhost will be October 25th at the high school where the cult has chosen to picket. “I personally want to thank Margie Phelps for her work on our behalf as well,” said Cook. “There is the lovely and ironic fact she used her iPhone, our product, to deliver her twisted message the night Steve crossed over, but that simple little fact also led us to be a trending subject on Twitter now millions are aware of her damaged thinking, its quite a bargain.”
There is no apparent reason for the individuals to picket the
high school, but the release of iGhost will allow for the right side to dwarf the small group and prevent their message to be spread. “Steve once said, ‘I want to put a ding in the universe’ and just by pushing these people off the map we’ve done that,” said Cook. Ohio
“As always we are looking to the future,” said Cook. “We believe Phelps has definite opinions that are based on the slim knowledge we don’t want to guarantee publicity for her church and their offensive actions and message but we do want to let people know that we are on the edge of a staggering achievement and it begins with the voices of peace and love.”
|There is no truth to the rumor that Apple would prefer|
the younger Steve Jobs over the older one.
"This is the application to beat all applications," said Cook to the assembled crowd. "It is safe to say that nothing ever has or ever will compare to what I'm about to show you."
Cook is referring to the new application called iGhost that will be going live to beta testers on Monday. "Without going into the specific details, iGhost taps into the spiritual realm and puts specified paranormal energy into coherent, audible speech. Basically you will be able to talk with any person who has ever lived on this planet and they will be able to talk with you."
Cook says that it may sound too good to be true, but it's not. "You will be able to speak with loved ones, with great historical figures, with the greatest villains of all time, or just some hobo named Joe if you really want to. There will be no more regrets, no more pain, and no more tears. iGhost may not be able to defeat physical death, but we can make an end run around it."
What spurred the development of iGhost? "We here at Apple recognized that Steve Jobs was not going to be around forever. The man had cancer, had organ transplants, and was basically the sickest person I've ever met. For Apple to survive, we needed Steve Jobs to survive." Cook smiled. "Hence the development of iGhost."
"That's why I'm also pleased to announce that I'll be stepping down as CEO of Apple," continued Cook, "in order for Steve Jobs to take his rightful place via iGhost to run his company once more."
Public reaction was immediate. Though Apple's stocks fell 1% on the news of Jobs' death, it is currently trading 5% higher in early trading this morning. Assuming a successful beta test of iGhost goes well, investor confidence in Apple is expected to increase exponentially with the thought that Steve Jobs could run Apple for basically forever.
Religious leaders worldwide all called the iGhost application a very elaborate scam. Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, called the application the most dangerous thing ever invented. "This is just man's latest attempt to replace God with himself. It's not going to work. I guarantee it."
Cook begs to differ. "It's a new dawn in the era of humanity," concluded Cook, "because you no longer need to fear death as long as your family owns Apple products.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
|Suspected killer for hire Luc Flaubert|
HOUSTON, TX - Luc Flaubert, who became famous for offering to take care of Mike "Big Sausage" Roillie for a two dozen doughnuts in Portland, Oregon a few months ago is insisting that he was paid by Texas Governor Rick "Jim Dick" Perry to take out rising Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain at Cain’s campaign stop addressing the WorkFaith Connection Friend's Breakfast in Houston on Thursday.
Authorities had received reports that the internationally known killer was in the
area apparently tracking the candidate, and they were able to narrow it down to the Post Oaks/Briar Oaks area by tracking increased sales at the local donut shops. Houston
“We knew he was in town,” said Houston Police investigator Tim Dorsey. “His reputation precedes itself. If a store has sales of creme brulee filled donuts go up then you can be sure Flaubert is in the area.”
Police arrested Flaubert for suspicious activities because last night he was allegedly filming and casing the he Junior League of Houston’s building. When contacted by officers, Flaubert had an unregistered pistol and in his car were three different high powered rifles with scopes, although each gun was covered in glaze of powdered sugar.
After his arrest Flaubert told investigators that he had been contacted by “a man with a real heavy accent calling himself Lethal Injection, I couldn’t understand him finally he just said ‘GAWDDAMMIT this is Rick Perry!’ so then I knew he was serious.”
According to unconfirmed reports, Flaubert agreed to kill Cain for Perry for the hefty fee of 150 dozen of his favorite creme brûlées.
Security has been tightened around Cain since the Flaubert arrest this morning evening. Investigators have also flown to
*As this story went to press The Pummelo has learned that Luc Flaubert escaped custody by reportedly covering himself with sugar glaze and rushing past officers while being arraigned on the weapons possession charges.
|Mark Reynolds has always been right when it comes to the|
conspiracies he publishes on his website. Unfortunately no one
takes him seriously because he doesn't have any flashing
GIFs on his site.
Unfortunately people don't read his stuff. That means the government doesn't really care about him, and that drives Reynolds nuts. "People need to hear the messages I get," Reynolds told us. "What the US Government does in secret is a crime against humanity. People need to know so that they can rise up and stick it to the man."
The primary reason behind his lack of traffic is that he has a rather normal website design. "Apparently to have a good conspiracy theory website, you're required to have animated and/or flashing GIFs incorporated throughout your site," commented Reynolds. "I don't use those because I think they look tacky and I figured I wouldn't be taken seriously." Reynolds sighed. "I've given up trying to figure people out."
Dr. Marion Mays, the Executive Director of the American Society for Secret Conspiracies & Original Thought Training [ASSCOT], says this is a common problem. "Many of our members take themselves way too seriously and in doing so, have a way too serious website, newsletter, and general correspondence with their potential readers," said Mays. "The reason why the flashing GIF works so well is that it engages the reader to want to look at the information, whether they want to or not, absorb that information, and then believe that it is real."
Reynolds tells us that he's going to give it a try maybe next week in order to save his self-esteem. "I don't really want to add them at all, but if it was I need to do to get traffic than so be it."
Why not do it right away? Reynolds sighed. "I can't do it this week because I need to research why Obama is pushing a jobs bill for Americans. Distractions of this level mean that a serious event is going to happen worldwide - maybe the assassination of Putin over in Russia or something. I'd be on your toes if your rich, famous, or a politician."
|Siri isn't really a bitch... but she is an ass.|
With yesterday's press conference announcing the Apple iPhone 4S and it's new application Siri, which allows the user to have conversations with your phone, they made a bit of a blunder. You see, Siri in Japanese translates to the word shiri, which is the Japanese word for ass.
Tobiyaki Morimoto thinks it's great. "Hahahaha! Now I finally be able to talk to my ass and it talk back to me! Hahaha!"
Initial users of the Siri application report that she is a bit of an asshole. Todd Matthews, 28, of Chicago, IL, is one of the beta testers. "I asked Siri for the best alternative route around a traffic jam the other day and she told me to go to hell," Matthews said. "I told her that wasn't very nice and she responded that if I was going to be this gay I could always shove my phone up my ass."
Morimoto says he doesn't care. "I find her to be rather cheeky. It's kinda hot. Hahahaha!"
Google reports that web searches for things ass-related are up almost 1000%. Sir Mix-A-Lot hopes this helps his business. "Bro, I need some money and if people are looking up ass, then you've got to hear Baby Got Back. Everyone knows the line I like big butts and I cannot lie. If that doesn't get me into the iTunes top 10 downloads today, I'm going to be extremely disappointed."
Neither Apple nor Siri wished to make a comment for this article. Their loss.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Everyone can go back through their lives and pick out particular crossroads moments where one decision could send their life in one direction or the other, with very different results. My first major crossroad was to turn down a full athletic scholarship for a college that promised me playing time and a half academic scholarship.
This was closely followed by my decision not to rehab my right knee, injured during the first week of training, for a third straight year. I was tired of doctors, poking, prodding, and large doses of daily pain without a guaranteed reward. In making this decision, I met my wife, we've had 4 great kiddos, and I sit here writing this instead of playing in Major League Soccer.
This really bothered me for several years until 2007 when I got a chance to train with Toronto FC for a week. Even though I was less than successful and managed an injury on field turf that took me 6 months from which to recover, it was still an extremely rewarding experience. In 2008 I got an opportunity to train with the San Jose Earthquakes and in the final scrimmage as a starting forward at the age of 27 I was able to chest and volley a 60 yard pass directly onto the foot of my other forward for the game winning goal. At halftime I sat there and realized that even though I may not have gone in that direction, that I could have, 10 years later, was good enough because I was satisfied with the life I had made.
That's the problem we have today. We're not satisfied with the lives we have made for ourselves. We blame others for our pain, our circumstances, or our perceived inabilities to meet our definition of success instead of taking responsibility for it and attempting to make a change ourselves. Don't get me wrong - I'm very guilty of doing the same thing - blaming others for my bad decisions or the ones that I regret.
I might make fun of the Occupy Together movement and pretty much everything else on this blog at some point, but Occupy Together has one thing going for them: they're finally standing up for what they believe in. A little backbone, a little stamina, a little luck, and a lot of determination is how all of the prior generations were able to make their own American dream.
It's true that I may not have the greatest slice of paradise, but not delving into theology or faith, I can say that what I have is what I've been fortunate enough to carve out for my family and it's mine. No government, no entity, no corporation, no one period is going to take that away from me without my permission. The problem is that so many of us give that permission willingly without even thinking about it.
If we as a country, as a people, can stand up for our beliefs, accept a differing opinion not as a personal threat but as a possible overlooked insight, and work together to rebuild what we have allowed to become so broken, we can make our country great once more. If we cannot do that, we will simply be a 200+ year footnote in history. We all will have to make that choice in the coming days and this will be the next great crossroads moment for many of us - which path are you going to choose?
|I've moved onto a different toilet seat today because, well, |
this one's bigger.
That's why we've started Occupy My Toilet. With today's modern technology, the ability to protest socially over networks has never been easier. You can literally converse, video chat, follow the news, eat some chips, drink some Dr. Pepper, and start a revolution from your toilet seat.
Even though Occupy Together may not take our movement very seriously, I think they should. Have you seen what satire has done to progress this country in the last 5 years? From The Onion making inroads into traditional news outlets to television shows giving a means for everyone to experience the effects of satire in their own homes, it is a proven fact that satirical commentary motivates people 87.4% more than traditional commentary.
You might consider yourself a better figurehead, a better protestor, or just a better human if you are out there in person, in the heat, in the cold, sleeping in a tent, shitting in a port-a-potty, and eating crap takeout, but you'd be wrong. Yes, what you are doing is important, but it's only half the picture. Me, on my toilet seat, is the other half of the picture. People can't smell me through the computer screen, you know.
Ultimately you need to ask yourself this: are you going to sit back and be crapped on by the rest of the world? Or are you going to stand up for your rights by sitting down on your toilet and telling the 1% that what is going on is no longer ok with you? The choice is yours. We're standing up by sitting down - won't you join us?
|Photo from Mediaite.com|
"It is just a travesty that they would replace the great Colonel Sanders with our first black President," said KFC spokesperson Bernie Smithers. "We will not stand for anything that violates our brand, our image, or our country."
However, Ming Yu Na, spokesperson for Obama Fried Chicken, or OFC, tells us that any lawsuit would be based on jealousy. "Chinese man loves fried chicken even more than the black man," said Ming. "Our chicken better. Our logo better. Just admit that you suck, hahaha."
Not wanting to take their word for it, we conducted a blind taste test out of our Washington bureau to determine which chicken was better. Out of the 28 people who were brave enough to try Chinese fried chicken, 21 people determined that OFC chicken was indeed better than KFC chicken. Marty Longfellow, 48, of Sequim, WA, was one of those 21 people. "That chicken was so good - it had a nice crunch, not much grease, and the spices were just right," Longfellow said. "It also had a faint taste of pineapple, which was nice and refreshing."
Bertha Miller, 89, of Quilcene, WA, told us that she chose OFC because she could eat it without her dentures. "It was just melt in your mouth good," she said. "I didn't have to grind it or anything. It was like eating a chicken-flavored M & M."
Smithers said that of course OFC chicken is going to taste better initially. "They're going to go all out in an attempt to destroy the KFC brand," he said angrily. "However, even if this lawsuit doesn't work, they will eventually falter because they don't have the Colonel's secret recipe, they don't have mass chicken farms where we just pump the chickens full of nutrients before butchering them, and they don't have the American work ethic.
Neither President Obama nor any of his close advisors returned a request for comment on this story.
Monday, October 3, 2011
|Does Cthulhu appear in this smoke, or is it the Seven Dwarves?|
Ophelia Jacobs said she was preparing her family’s breakfast about a quarter-mile from the plant when felt the ground shake and heard sirens. She walked outside to see the dark lord streaming into the sky.
“I tell you I was frightened then, I’m frightened now,” she said from a Red Cross refugee center in
. “What if he is free, what if whatever man has done set the Old One loose, we’re all going to die!” Dallas
Jacobs said she could hear what sounded like gun shots for about 15 minutes, and there was a strong smell of ammonia. Authorities insisted on evacuating schoolchildren and residents to avoid what they said was possible exposure to dangerous gases but a few question that.
Flames engulfed a large complex at a Magnablend, Inc., facility in Waxahachie, about 30 miles south of
, the fast-moving blaze consumed a fire truck and flames neared railroad tracks alongside the industrial property. No injuries were immediately reported from the fire or resulting smoke. Dallas
Police officer Craig Fedderson left the scene to go and get his family. “I don’t care what they say, I saw Cthulhu rising, and reaching for me, I’m done were getting out of here in a few minutes and heading to
Magnablend spokesman Donald Golden said that the fire broke out before 11 a.m. but he didn’t know what this Cthulhu was, and why it was mentioned given the strain he is under. Golden said the company manufactures about 200 products, including some that are hazardous when ignited, but there was no immediate word from firemen on what caused the blaze.
"I can only speculate on what's going on inside that building right now," Golden said of the 100,000-square-foot warehouse.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on inside there,” said Jacobs overhearing Golden. “It's a building that's burning, and its burning because you all some how unleashed the Ancient One, and he’s in there consuming souls. I hope he gets you first!”
Waxahachie FireChief David Hudgins is the one who ordered residents closest to the plant to evacuate, but he says he has no concern over idiots and their imagination. “Doubt its Cthulhu,” said Hudgins. “This is
Ellis County Sheriff's officials have urged residents not to drive toward the area of the fire. “It is exciting,” said spokesman Jennette Edwards, “but whether you want pictures of smoke, want to inhale fumes or pray to Cthulhu we just need you to stay away until we’ve gotten the fire out.”
|Occupy Big Horn organizer |
and single protester Clyde Gillespie
BIG HORN, WY – As the Occupy Big Horn/Basin Street protest moves into its fifth day, the 208 people living in this town south of
are still not aware their town is having a sit-in. Sheridan, Wyoming
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” said Big Horn County Sheriff Kenneth Blackburn. “Wait that guy, Clyde Gillespie sitting in the Lilac Motel parking lot? Is he protesting something? Who knew?"
Apparently Gillespie himself is the only person in
who knows he is taking part in the national “Occupy” protests and is lending his sympathy to the movement. Wyoming
“Well... it takes time,” said Gillespie. “I mean its generally quiet here and people believe they are self sufficient like in the old west, its not true, Tom Felzien owns this hotel, the café and the two Stop & Shops, one man controls the economy of our town, that’s wrong.”
Felzien has been out of town dealing with family issues in
|My 2 year old daughter is seen here beating the bejeezus|
out of Glass Joe. How can he be competitive in Mortal Kombat?
Glass Joe, who made his debut on Punch-Out!!, is excited to represent Earthrealm. "I know it's a really, really big deal to everyone here, so I will be stepping up my game big time," Glass Joe told us. "I'm reducing my baguette intake, I've switched from flavored coffee to Folgers, and I've hired a Brit for a coach."
Glass Joe smiled. "I'm almost confident that I won't lose."
The rest of the world is not so confident not only because of Glass Joe's horrendous record when it comes to boxing, but because of the coach that Glass Joe hired: Peter Buckley. Even though Buckley was a professional boxer with 300 professional fights, his record was 32-256-12.
Buckley tells us his record means nothing. "Yeah I lost a lot. Yeah Glass Joe has lost a lot. Big deal. This is a new day, a new tournament, a new start. We're not going to screw this up."
Glass Joe's first fight in the MK tournament is on Friday. He's expected to lose within 10 seconds. If you know of someone who can help defend Earthrealm, please contact Raiden immediately.
|Did J.P. Morgan Chase bribe NYPD for $4.6 million?|
NEW YORK, NY - “This has no relation to the current protests, none at all. Especially the most recent events leading the protestors to be arrested,” said New York Police Department spokesman Paul Browne this morning.
Browne was responding to inquires as to the nature of the unprecedented $4.6 million gift given to the NYPD by JPMorgan Chase.
JPMorgan Chase spokesman David John-Smithereen said that people are reading far too much into the gift. “The board members see a loosening grip on society. In order to perpetuate the police state that will be necessary, they feel the elite bank cartels must own the police. Make no mistake,” said John-Smithereen, “there is nothing untoward here we just want the NYPD to know who they owe allegience to; and to be full equipped to protect us in these dangerous times.”
Browne said John-Smithereen is mistaken, that the company did not buy the police they just happen to be “aggressively incentivized” to do their work at making sure Wall Street can do thier's. “Lets face it,” said Browne. "Many of those officers have their own investments, union investments, a third of our officers are married to either teachers or nurses who will have union and private investments, so really the officers don’t see this as any different than protecting their homes.”
New York City Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly added that the money was being directed to help city security. “The money will pay for 1,000 new patrol car laptops, as well as security monitoring software in the NYPD's main data center,” said Kelly. “This has no relation to the current protests, none at all. I don’t know why people are looking for reasons for the arrests; these people are committing social disorder.”
Kelly also added that he applauded JPMorgan Chase for having keen foresight, and for thinking out of the box to be prepared for dealing with demonstrators.
Protester Cailly Martin said she was sure the police were just doing what they believed right, “I seriously doubt the bribery would be so blatant, and many of these folks are just following orders.” However, she did have one question for the commissioner “I did work at BestBuy and it seems 4600 bucks apiece for laptops and software is a little high isn't it?”
|Rick "Jim Dick" Perry apologizes this morning for being too |
white to say "nigga" appropriately.
Photo By: iowapolitics.com
"I just want to say that I'm truly, truly sorry if I offended anyone by calling them 'nigga,'" Perry told the assembled Iowans. "It was probably a bad decision on my part - even though I'm 1/64th black, it really doesn't show."
Perry says his use of the sensitive words were a means to attempt to show his black heritage and gain a portion of the black vote from Obama. "My body my only be 1/64th black, but my heart is 100% black," Perry said. "I know how that can be confusing. My main wish was to just express the fact that I felt like the black people are all my brothers and sisters, both in my human family and in my Jesus family."
Perry says that the inflammatory rock has been painted over and that any inflammatory language said by him will likely be stopped by next Thursday.
Carl Montgomery, head of the Iowa chapter of the NAACP, just laughed at Perry's apology. "The dude is a docuhebag, plain and simple. It is very apparent that the man hates black people, gay people, Jews, Griffons, Manticores, some Mexicans, the developmentally disabled, and probably his mother. His apology isn't worth the words that came out of his mouth."
Political experts say that by the end of the week we should know if Perry can weather this storm. In the meantime, Perry will continue on the campaign trail with several stops throughout the Midwest.
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