Snoopy Skips Great Pumpkin Vigil For Occupy Chicago This Year

Snoopy, seen here sleeping peacefully in Grant Park, would
rather support Occupy than sit in a pumpkin patch this year.

CHICAGO, IL - A 45 year tradition is coming to an end this year - well, unless something changes in this country between now and October 31st.

That's because Snoopy, the lovable little pup owned by Charlie Brown, the Charlie Browniest of all Charlie Browns ever, has decided to avoid the meaningless but fun event of sitting in the pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin, for a more lucrative cause. "I've decided to join Occupy Chicago and bring some national attention to the cause after the arrests they have experienced there," Snoopy told us by barking in Morse code. "Lord knows those protestors need as much help as they can get these days."

Snoopy tells us his mind was made up about the change of Halloween plans because he was especially disturbed by what he saw in Oakland. "It's just a shame that people are not allowed to protest peacefully," he woofed. "To fire upon a crowd that contained children... it was enough to make me want to bite one of their hands off."

Snoopy says that the practice of your First Amendment rights is a high priority for him, no matter who you might be. "Charlie Brown might be a blockhead," Snoopy barked, "but even blockheads deserve the right to be heard."

Micah Philbrook, an Occupy Chicago protestor, says the boost from Snoopy might help get the protestors a permanent site to protest where they won't have to worry about arrests. "The city of Chicago is attempting to shut us down at every turn," said Philbrook. "Having someone with the star power of Snoopy to join us is... well... it's special. I hope it will do great things for us and the movement worldwide."

Linus van Pelt tells us that he is quite disappointed, but understands. "Snoopy loves people and hates seeing people get hurt," he said. "I'm sure it'll be a great thing and maybe he'll join us next year, even if he laughs at me every year for writing the Great Pumpkin."

We attempted to speak with the Chicago Police Public Information Officer, but were denied access. Philbrook tells us that he's not surprised by that. "Chicago PD is just looking for an excuse to end us," he said. "They're not going to give us any credibility whatsoever. Snoopy will change that, though. Snoopy is awesome."

Pumpkin Proving Great At Disturbing Children and Adults

The alleged Great Pumpkin showing his haunting moon.

NORTHFIELD, MN – A decade’s long Halloween tradition has suddenly become a horrifying experience for children across the Midwest and reportedly other parts of America. In the last month children who have been picking their own pumpkins have been frightened and traumatized but what witnesses say is the legendary Great Pumpkin.

“We had the two rugrats running through the field when Kimberly, my youngest started screaming,” said Matt Gibson. “We looked and there is the weirdo exposing himself, mooning her, I rushed over but by the time I got there he was gone.”

Authorities report over fifty similar cases in ten states every day in October. “I have no idea what is going on,” said Minnesota Bureau of Investigation officer Cleve Woolridge. “We’ve received reports from here to Pennsylvania of this thing showing up two, three times a day exposing itself and disappearing, and it seems to be leaving no evidence except for traumatized kids.”

Pennsylvania farmer Jefferson Carl says the creature is clearly the legendary Great Pumpkin who is acting out because it has been nothing but the brunt of jokes for 60 years. “It’s like Loki," he said. "A powerful entity that has been almost forgotten, and when remembered is nothing but a joke, when it does return it’s going to be causing mischief.”

Carl says there were sightings before this year but something apparently just pushed the mythic gourd beyond any level of patience it previously had. “I’m afraid we’ve released a relentless creature of mischief and pain,” said Carl. “I’m not sure what the future holds but I for one will be staying in and watching wholesome programming like Lethal Weapon this Halloween.”

US Government Recommends Almost Everyone Be Named Daniel

Biblical Daniel survived the lion's den. Other
Daniel's have also survived great tragedies.
Could they all be connected somehow?

ORIGINALLY IN SOME CRUDDY PLACE IN NEW JERSEY, N.J. - Daniel the Beagle is one lucky, lucky fellow.

You see, Daniel the Beagle was a stray in Alabama, and being a stray dog in that state leads to the death penalty. So he and several other dogs, found guilty of being stray, were sentenced to death and put into the gas chamber. However, 17 minutes later, attendants opened up the gas chamber to find Daniel the Beagle standing there, wagging his tail.

Under Alabama law, once the actions of the death penalty have been performed and one survives, then they are set free. Daniel the Beagle moved to live with a family in New Jersey.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney tells us that they've looked into this case further and discovered something that will change the world forever. "After taking a look at the circumstances of Daniel the Beagle, we decided to spend a couple million dollars and study what has happened to other people named Daniel throughout history, beginning with the Biblical Daniel, who survived being cast into the lion's den."

"You can look at American history and see Daniel Boone, who survived hardships to explore the American frontier," continued Carney. "You can see Daniel Best, who pioneered many new mechanical components to the agricultural industry, almost losing his limbs several times during the experimentation phase of his inventions."

"And then outside of America," finished Carney, "you've got great men like Dr. Daniel Hale Williams who pioneered many new techniques in the field of medicine or Daniel Swarovski who pioneered many of the ways we look at jewelry."

Pummelo Arts: Hate, A Blunt Insturment

Broken glass, peeling paint, warped door frame. Memories as broken as this house.

Ancient marks on wall.

Terrible stains of hateful love.

I heard the shadow’s voice,

beneath the rickety wooden floor.

Deep and brutal,

The essence of Camel’s and cheap bourbon.

Tears stream down.

He was a blunt instrument, spiteful and callous.

His hands like bricks.

Dead now decades yet my hate and fear still burn,

I light a match.

I stood outside and watched the blue and orange swallow the wicked pine.

The smoke swelled and filled the sky freeing me.

Regret fled

*** On November 1st, The Pummelo will release its second e-book titled "Lost Frontiers & Forgotten Trains," a book of poetic verse by James, available on Amazon for your Kindle, Cloud Kindle, and Kindle app for iPhone & Android. ***

Europe Claims Victory Against Debt By Spending More At Shopko

BRUSSELS - European leaders are applauding their new plan that looks to be a turning point at getting the region out of their 2 year debt crisis without too much more hassle.

"We've decided that after much tense negotiation, we are going to purchase a majority of our supplies from an American national discount chain instead of some place local," French President Nicolas Sarkozy said today. "That is because the American dollar is still a strong currency, but trades below the euro and the pound. We get more bang for our buck."

Though many expected that chain to be Walmart, in a surprise move, negotiators decided to go with Shopko. "We went with Shopko because they offer a better overall quality of product for a similar price to their competitors," European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso said. "We'll be able to successfully import anything we need, save trillions of euros, and get ourselves back on the right track."

Stocks worldwide surged at the news of the debt relief proposition, with many markets being up more than 2%. Sun Capital Partners Inc., which owns Shopko, tells us that they are extremely excited about becoming a national discount leader once again. "Anything you can do, Shopko can do better," said co-CEO Mark Leder. "This deal just proves that the year 2011 belongs to the state of Wisconsin." Shopko's headquarters are located in Green Bay, WI.

Only time will tell if the shift in spending will end up saving enough money, but Sarkozy is confident. "We're getting better products for less money, we're helping the American economy some, and we'll soon all be debt free and able to spend freely wherever and whenever we want," he said. "Life is good."

Walmart, K-Mart, and Big Lots refused our requests for comment.

Obama To Introduce Counter Flat Tax Plan

Obama says it's only fair that the 100% only get 1%

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a surprise move this morning, President Obama announced from the South Lawn that he too was going to enter the 2012 political taxation fray by introducing his own flat tax initiative.

"Let's face it, people," Obama said. "Our country is running out of money. We're charging Canadians to enter our country, we're charging Mexicans leaving our country, but it is still not enough. We need to do something different, and I believe that I have the solution."

Obama says he is going to introduce the 33-33-33 plan. "Essentially what it means is that you will pay 33% of your income directly to the Federal Government," explained Obama. "Then you will pay another 33% of your income to your local municipalities - state, city, and so forth. Then we'll be introducing a 33% national sales tax on all purchases, including food, services, and charitable giving."

According to our math, that means Americans will only be left with 1% of their total income. "That's correct," said Obama. "This plan is fair because now 100% of the people will only get 1%. This plan will get us out of debt in 10 years and make the United States a strong nation once again."

That means a family earning $30,000 is going to have $300 to live off of. "People in Haiti live off of less and they're still alive," said Obama. "It may not be pretty for many of us, but tt's just what we need to do in order to provide all of the social programs, healthcare, research studies, and Federal subsidies. I don't believe in cutting a budget - I believe in spending it dry and then looking for new money."

The plan, if introduced to Congress, is not expected to pass.

Lohan Poses Nekkid Five Years After World Was Interested

This is what will happen to Playboy's pages with
Lohan's coochie exposed. Reader beware.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Beleaguered actress and celebrity Lindsay Lohan is attempting a Hail Mary pass to keep her in the tabloids, Playboy magazine intends to be the receiver in hopes they can also score a million sales for the first time in three decades.

Lohan is currently doing a nude shoot for the famed magazine that reportedly will include full frontal nudity. The question is, does anyone care now four years after she was named the hottest woman in the world by a competing magazine, and has seemingly gone past her career peak.

A Pummelo poll says no. “Picture Lilo drunk, up all night, smelling like an opened can of Chicken of the Sea,” said Tim McCarthy of Denver, Colorado. “Now picture the number of hours it will take to Photoshop that into a published lay out, uhg no thanks, now Emma Watson yes please.”

Gillian Forbes of Phoenix says that she can’t understand this is a career move. “Jaime Pressley, Shannon Dohertry, Carmen Electra, they all have done this and does anyone know where they are?” Asked Forbes. “She needs to take rehab seriously, go back to red and take small roes if she is, oh never mind she’s not serious.”

Of the respondents only Pete Snyder of Oklahoma City seemed interested. “She is not top of my list,” Snyder said, “but yeah... I’ll take a look at them once they are leaked online. Hell - I’m sure I’ve seen worse on youporn.”

Professional publicist Shannon Griffin also doesn’t see an upside. “Usually this is a last gasp,” said Griffin. “I can’t think of anyone who has ever gotten a solid bounce after, even those wrestling divas aren’t working the WWE ring right now, and because of the known Photoshop use it certainly won’t help people judge whether she is healthy or not.”

Playboy hasn’t announced when the spread will appear nor has Lohan’s agent.

No One Terribly Surprised By Winehouse Autopsy

LONDON, UK – An underwhelmed public reacted today with a basic “Meh” to the announcement that alcohol killed Amy Winehouse. British coroner Suzanne Greenway determined that Winehouse consumed a “potentially fatal” amount of alcohol the night she died and ruled it a “death by misadventure.”

Tony Hauser of Weybridge seemed to express what most people felt. “Now they're saying she drank herself to death? How damned hard was it to figure that out? The empty vodka bottles in her rooms would have been a pretty big tipoff.”

A pathologist says Winehouse drank a “very large quantity of alcohol” and was five times over the drunk-driving limit. “Most alcohol poisoning deaths are caused by binge drinking,” said Dr. Tyler Daemstrom of the Queens Bridge Substance Hospital. “In this case it seems apparent Miss Winehouse did exactly that.”

Regardless most fans and the general public were totally apathetic. “Terribly sorry she died,” said Andi Dolan of Guilford. “Thank goodness she had no illegal drugs in her system - that would have been terrible role modeling, but there will be another young singer to entertain the community soon.”

Scientists Warn of Imminent Attack From Pluto

Pluto, now the 2nd largest "Dwarf Planet," is expected to attack the
IAU sometime Friday or Saturday to regain it's full planetary status.
Photo: ESO

PRAGUE - Officials are on high alert this morning, preparing for what scientists are calling an imminent attack on the International Astronomical Union [IAU] by the dwarf planet Pluto. It is expected that this attack will occur sometime late Friday night or early Saturday morning.

In 2006, members of the IAU voted to reclassify Pluto from being a full planet in our solar system to one of 44 dwarf planets. Many believe that this is the motive behind Pluto's terroristic ambitions.

"Apparently it has never forgiven us for reclassifying it as a dwarf planet," said astronomer Mike Brown of the California Institute of Technology in Pasedena, CA. "I'm glad I watched the IAU vote on this from my computer and wasn't any part of it. I'd hate to think what Pluto might do to those poor, poor souls."

The reason why the attack is happening five years after the vote, according to Dr. Gregory Wilmore, a voting member in the IAU, is because of the sheer distances involved. "I'm actually rather surprised that it only took Pluto five years to get here," admits Wilmore. "It must be in a really pissy mood to get here that quickly."

Though scientists are unsure of what the attack might look like, a best guess involved small chunks of ice that will be blasted at the IAU from a high Earth orbit. Wilmore is less concerned about ice falling through the atmosphere and more concerned about tidal forces. "If Pluto is close by, our high tide is going to be a really, really high tide," he said. "As for low tide, go grab your shovels and get some razor clams - this will be a great opportunity in those areas."

If you were a member of the IAU who voted in favor of declassifying Pluto, you're advised to go hide in a bomb shelter, a deep dark cave, get on board a US naval submarine, or crawl under your bed and grab your ankles. "If it were me, I think I'd find a way for the Russians to put me on the International Space Station," said Brown. "Sure I'd be closer to the planet, but it wouldn't be expecting me up there."

Pluto had no comment for us as of press time.

Wilmore says only one thing is for certain - after this weekend, our planet will be changed forever. "We're either going to lose some brilliant minds or we're going to add greenhouse gases to our atmosphere or maybe even both," he said. "Just make sure you go get those razor clams."

Johnny Utah Returns To Investigate More Ex-Presidents Robberies

Washington Federal in Seattle - victim of the Ex-Presidents

SEATTLE, WA – FBI investigator Johnny Utah acknowledges that the robbery of the Washington Federal, at the corner of Morgan Street and California Ave. does hold many similarities to a case he worked on twenty years ago.  

“Yes they robbed the bank wearing former President George W. Bush masks and a shotgun,” said Utah. “However I doubt this and the two previous robberies in Austin last year are related to the Point Break/ Ex-Presidents robberies.

The Point Break robberies were a series of west coast bank robberies done by a group of surfers, Utah’s partner Angelo Pappas was killed during the investigation. Lead suspect in those crimes a man known only as “Bodhi” who Utah says disappeared after jumping from an airplane above Malibu. “I am fairly certain Bodhi was killed in 1991,” said Utah. “I’ve spent time in the last 20 making sure that   I followed up on any crime involving a president and I’ve found nothing linking it to Bodhi.”

Utah described the suspects as two white males in their twenties. The FBI is investigating the possibility that this robbery could be connected to several other incidents in the area, including a Key Bank robbery on October 3 and a Wells Fargo robbery on September 12.

Florida Law Protects Candidates From Actual Voters

Florida where they don't want you to vote.

SPRINGFIELD, FL - A teacher who sponsors Springfield High School's student government is facing thousands of dollars in fines. His transgression? Helping students register to vote.

When Philip Daley organized a drive at the start of the school year to get students pre-registered, for voting in the coming elections he ran afoul of Florida's new and controversial election law.

Among other things, the new rules require that third parties who sign up new voters register with the state and that they submit applications within 48 hours. The law also reduces the time for early voting from 14 days to eight and requires voters who want to give a new address at the polls to use a provisional ballot.

Republican lawmakers who backed the rules said they were necessary to reduce voter fraud. “Students tend to vote Democratic, and in Florida that is simply unacceptable,” said State Representative Tom Hays. “The answer in this state and I believe others? Suppress the vote with superfluous laws.”

Fear of violating the new Florida rules prompted the League of Women Voters to suspend voter registration efforts in. Local political activists in both parties have been similarly stymied, Volusia County Supervisor of Elections Ann McFall said. "It's bizarre," McFall said of the law. "I haven't found one person who likes this law."

When McFall heard the story of the Springfield High School teacher at a staff meeting this month -- and realized her office would have to report the incident to the state as a potential violation -- she had a sick feeling in her stomach. "This isn't someone who was going to commit fraud," McFall said. "She was doing a good thing. The high school was doing a good thing."

But Daley hadn't registered with the state before beginning the registration drive. And she didn't submit the forms to the elections office on time. In the absence of willful fraud or someone's voting rights being denied, it seems unlikely she would face a fine. "I just want them to be participating in our democracy," she said. "The more participation we have, the stronger our democracy will be."

“That’s absurd,” said Hays. “If you are too stupid to register to vote, maybe you should sit out the election.”

"We want to do things by the rules,” said Daley. “We just didn't know about these. In the end, I think this has become a good real-life lesson."

Activists Censored For Being Too "Activisty"

Madison Maurer & Allison Hill have lost credibility because
of their overwhelming urge to protest everything.

ORANGE COUNTY, CA - If you ask Madison Maurer and Allison Hill what it is they like to do, they will answer your question in unison: "Protest."

In fact, Maurer and Hill have been key members of Orange County's protest team since 2002. "I've just always felt that it was in my blood to protest the injustices of this country," Maurer tells us exclusively. "If no one stands up for what is right, then you're just going to have people try to walk all over you all the time."

From the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq to not allowing three taco trucks to do business on a local street corner to the current Occupy movement, Hill says that she protests to make a difference. "When I protest, I feel like I'm a part of something," she said. "It feels like I've got a caring family that loves me all of the time unconditionally."

That love was broken today, however, when the rest of Maurer & Hill's protesting group censored them. "We felt that they were being too outspoken, too deliberate, and simply too rude," said group spokesperson Wilma Mathers. "We felt that they were taking an extreme path when an extreme path is not required. Therefore, we told them to shut their pie holes and let the rest of us do the work."

Maurer says the premise is ridiculous. "You can never be too extreme in protesting," she claims. "If you allow them one inch, they will take 6 miles and tax you incessantly while requiring your first born child to enter the military. You can't let them win."

Hill agrees. "I've seen it happen many times where the government or the corporation just waits until the protestors get tired and then they make their move and keep doing what their doing. You have to always stand up, always show your spine, always be on the lookout for trouble."

Mathers says that the censorship will be indefinite. "We think they just need to take a breath, calm down, and realize that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Right now, they're just two strands doing opposite things."

Maurer and Hill say they will be protesting together from now on, just the two of them. "We can make it if we try," said Maurer.

Alien Conspiracy Or Something is Happening In Arizona

Is this what a disturbed Michael Halberstram saw?

PHOENIX, AZ - An Avondale resident, Michael Halberstram, who lives on East Las Flores Avenue, called police around 7 pm Sunday to report seeing a rotating light in the sky shining down on his house for about 20 minutes.

The man assured emergency dispatchers he was neither crazy nor drunk, but was concerned "it may be aliens or something," according to the dispatcher's report.

“He was very insistent that he wasn’t intoxicated and had a normal but that saw lights coming in across the sky towards the area from the north,” said dispatcher Terese Gomez. “I tried to tell him he was also very close to the Goodyear airport and that they might have some night activity but he wouldn’t listen.” Goodyear Airport is small general aviation airport 2.2 miles from the caller’s home. 

Officer David Fuent went to the scene to investigate, and traced the strong light source to the Goodyear Shopping Center that was using a rotating spotlight for a promotion. “He seemed normal in most ways,” said Fuent. “However he just refused to accept reasonable explanations as to the origins of the lights, both tonight and what he claims he regularly sees.”

In the report, Halberstram disagreed with the officer's account of the events and insisted the light was not beamed up from the ground, but from above down and that he would get the media to do a real accounting of the activity. “I figured that at most, could be experimental military aircraft out on test runs,” said Fuent. “They do, after all, have to test them somewhere. This, though, like most sightings is attributable to mundane manmade advertising, with no aliens necessary.”

Fuent added that the spotlights could also be seen by residents living in most of the west Avondale section.

McRib Return Causes 92% Sick Out At Business With Crappy Cafeteria

The McRib is out today... did you call off sick too?

LEXINGTON, KY - Keith Miller has always liked working for Sharetech Industries. He's got flexible hours, a corner office with a decent view, and just enough work to keep him busy but not enough work to feel like he's overwhelmed.

You'd think it was the perfect job, but Miller tells us that one thing has always been missing. "It's no secret that I'm likely the worst cook in the United States," Miller admits to us. "I burn instant popcorn. I've blown up three microwaves. I once tried to boil a brat and ended up burning down my apartment building."

Needless to say, Miller doesn't bring lunch in with him. "I always buy my lunch, but since Sharetech is in the middle of nowhere, I can't go out to eat. I have to eat here at the cafeteria."

Sounds like a reasonable proposition, but Miller tells us the cafeteria food at Sharetech is basically terrible. "Imagine if you combined an airline meal entree with a hospital food appetizer and made that into an Army MRE [meal ready to eat]," said Miller. "Then you come close to imagining what I am forced to eat at my desk every day."

With the McRib returning to McDonald's today, Miller tells us he's just called off for the day. "I wanted a decent lunch for a change," Miller admits. "It's not like I don't have 16 sick days built up."

Miller wasn't the only one at Sharetech to call off sick this Monday, however. CEO Harold Livingston IV tells us that 92% of his workforce called off today. "We're pretty much running a skeleton crew today and I suspect will be tomorrow as well thanks to the sticky sweet goodness of that damn McDonald's sandwich," he told us, a hint of anger in his voice. "The worst part is I've got this business deal with Japan that I have to close today and I can't go get one."

We attempted to speak with the cafeteria workers, but they only spoke Portuguese.

Miller says he won't call off two days in a row. "I just needed a respite from that crappy cafeteria," said Miller. "I'll be more productive tomorrow. As for today, my goal is to eat at least 10 sandwiches."

It May Be 150, But It Only Looks a Day Over 125

CHICAGO, IL - Today Americans are celebrating one of the greatest achievements of 1861 - The Civil War.

They are also celebrating the completion of the transcontinental telegraph. You know, the Morse code - tap tap tap tappity tappity tap. You know, how people used to communicate rapidly before instant messaging, e-mail, AOL chat, or even the telephone.

In Chicago, a large event is schedule to take place in Grant Park. "Even though the Occupy Chicago event is taking place in the park at the same time, we're confident that our tribute to the telegraph will take place as scheduled," said Mayor Rahm Emanuel. "We've got tap dancers, 20 beers on tap, and we've got several vendors out there handing out free tapenade."

The telegraph, which may be most famous for the fact that it shut down the Pony Express after only 39 months of operation, is often called "The Father of the Internet." Wiring expert James Jacobs tells us that the telegraph likely transformed the world more than anything else has. "The telegraph really sped up people's lives," Jacobs said. "Before it used to take almost 15 days for a message to go from the East Coast to the West Coast. After the telegraph was wired, it was real time. Without the telegraph, I'm very confident that we wouldn't have live webcam midget porn today."

Many people credit Samuel Morse with the invention of the telegraph, but we found out today that the original patent was filed by Al Gore. "See - I told you I invented the internet!" Gore declared to us quite loudly on the phone. "No one believes me! No one has ever believed me! But they will now!"

We decided not to ask Mr. Gore how he could file a patent on something in the mid 1800's.

Mayor Rahm says all are invited to their celebration. "Make sure you bring plenty of money to spend," recommends Rahm. "We've got a $635 million funding gap to fill and every ten dollar beer on tap counts. Spend big!"