Black Friday Sales Lead To Occupy Best Buy Movement

Best Buy Occupier Clancy Jordan
Photo: Rick Hebenstreit

AUSTIN, TX – Many people think TwiHards and Potterites were insane for camping a few hours to be the first to see their respective films this year, but that's nothing to Melida Carson of Leander, TX. “Anyone who can’t wait a day or two to see a movies is brain damaged,” said Carson.

What is one to make of Carson herself and her taking ten days off of work to camp outside the Best Buy store over a week before Black Friday sales start?

Carson says she is different. “First that fantasy movie stuff is stupid, this is real life, second a 55” inch T.V. for $700 off buys a lot of movie tickets, better yet with a 55” T.V. who the hell needs to go to movies?”

Carson is apparently not alone in her thinking, or even first in line for this Austin Best Buy. Clancy Jordan and his wife Natalie have been camped out since they found the first rumors of the sale back in August. “Well I kind of feel I was an early Occupy sympathizer,” said Jordan. “I’m out here refusing to spend any money on the high prices, not buying into corporate greed but into discounts to keep the economy going.”

The Jordan’s have decorated their camper with a cardboard sign reading “Occupy Best Buy.” Last night Carson joined the Jordon’s for a cook out and they agreed they have found a way to protest the system, and still find deals on electronics.

Jordon explained that he has been out of fulltime work for a year and has been doing handy man jobs, he still is going out on jobs while Natalie holds down the fort. He says in years past they have not been as involved in the “Black Friday” stuff but this year they felt they really needed to make their statement and get themselves a new T.V. and their grandson a new X-Box 360.

As this interview was taking place Nancy Hemlock of Georgetown and her sister Maddy joined the group as did Dixon Stroves and his wife Kendra. All them agree that it was important personally to Occupy Best Buy and to make sure they were in line Thanksgiving night at midnight to get the discounts to keep what little money is circulating in the economy going.

Stroves said that his sister and mother in Fort Lauderdale had already occupied a Best Buy there and they were hearing more and more people camping out at stores around the country.

Alaskan Sun Worshipper Hates Winter

Jack Wilson pays homage to the sun this morning.

ANCHORAGE, AK - Winters in Alaska are not for everyone - from an overall lack of sunshine to cold temperatures that make your nose hairs curl in fright to the fact that three out of four of your primary food groups involve salmon, it's not for the faint of heart. For Jack Wilson, an Alaskan native, there's one more problem.

"The sun is my god, my life, my world," Wilson told us this morning over the phone. "To have all these days where the sun barely appears is just devastating to my soul."

Wilson has been a sun worshipper all his life. "I just couldn't handle organized religion," he said. "It didn't speak to my inner conscienceness. Yet having no faith left me a cold, lifeless, empty shell of a man. That didn't work for me either."

"And then, one day, I fell in love with the sun," Wilson continued. "The sun warmed my heart, my lungs, and filled the emptiness in my soul. I've never looked back."

The real question is why Wilson doesn't move somewhere that gets more sun than Alaska - like maybe Phoenix, AZ? "I can't leave my homeland," said Wilson. "Sure - it's tempting to be able to go somewhere and be able to commune with the great sun more than I get to do now, but then I wouldn't be true to myself. I love Alaska. I also love that I get paid to live in Alaska."

So Wilson makes do. "It's during the winter that I turn my focus from more outdoor worship to more indoor worship. I redecorate my sun room. I add new little touches to the shrine, like a brand new Funshine Care Bear. I bring in more sacrifices, like a cold six pack of Molson for the sun to use its energy to warm up."

"Then, when the weather turns, the sun comes up more, I go back to worshipping outside."

Wilson admits that sun worship is not for everyone. "Even though this is my god, my faith, my life, I understand it is not for everyone. As long as people allow me time to soak in some Vitamin D, I'm more than happy to allow you to soak in whatever you need."

And if people don't allow Wilson the luxury of sun worshipping freedom? "I'll make sure my god gives you the worst sunburn you've ever had in your life, no matter what level of SPF sunblock you're wearing," said Wilson. "I don't believe in karma... I believe in revenge."

No one ever said being a sun worshipper meant that you were a pacifist.

Mayors Apologize For Confusion Between Occupy and Twi-Hards, Arrests

Bella and Edward of the Twilight Saga
Collage by: Lindseo/Flickr

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Mayors in several cities from New York, to Green Bay, Denver, and here in San Francisco apologized to fans of the Blockbuster film series “The Twilight Saga” and the producers and theater owners for multiple arrests before last night’s midnight premier of the latest sequel Breaking Dawn, Part 1.

There was apparently much confusion by law enforcement and administration between the rabid fan base of the film series and the ongoing Occupy protests. Denver Mayor Michael Hancock admitted he thought protestors had changed targets.

“Things didn’t go right,” said Denver Mayor Michael Hancock, there was a great deal of miscommunication, we had hundreds of people standing around Cherry Creek Mall, Colorado Cinemas it appeared the Occupy Denver movement was disrupting businesses at closing time.”

Green Bay Police Chief Jim Arts released a statement saying he and his department were sorry for the 170 arrests of daughters and mothers made at the Marcus Cinema, and especially to Arlene Watkins who was pepper sprayed. “Last night’s events were unfortunate,” said Arts. “We will compensate the owners of the Marcus Cinema for the loss of revenue, I don’t want to make excuses but these are rather tense times and I truly was not aware of this film’s support, so in light of the ongoing protests we did what we thought was right.”

Watkins has accepted the apology and free tickets for her and her two college age daughters for multiple showings of the film. San Francisco Mayor Edwin M. Lee issued a statement, however, saying he felt no qualms about the 4,430 arrests made in his city. “Look - it's mob activity, and it’s out of control," said Lee. "‘Team Edward’ seems like doublespeak to me, we can’t have the city shutdown as Oakland was. They all obviously had one thing in mind regardless of location and I won’t have the merchant districts of the city blockaded.

Breaking Dawn, Part 1 producer Wyck Godfrey told Good Morning America this morning that the arrests were a disappointment but that in the end would not affect box office performance. “Again, it is a shame but it will just reinforce how special this film and word of mouth will spread,” added Godfrey.

Ask The Vicar: Don't Be Ugly

Father Knowlen is minimally sexual with women,
 men and docile farm creatures

Dear Father Knowlen: 
I am a lonely 19 year old attending The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina and some of my peers want to take me out to carouse and. Hopefully meet someone, but I’ve never done this, do you have any advice? ~ Sad Cadet

Dear Sad:

Listen, you seem like a nice person, so don’t take this the wrong way. Don’t be ugly.


Dear Father Knowlen: Why don’t women brag about their clit size? ~ Equality For Braggers

Dear Bragger:
Is this a serious question? They don’t brag because the clitoris is really unimportant to men, it doesn’t stimulate men, it isn’t what men long to be enveloped in so there really isn’t anything to be gained.


Dear Father Knowlen:
Is there anything I can do to artificially improve my girlfriends comfort zone with oral sex, frankly I don’t care if she like to give it to me or not just that she do it  – A Real Man

Dear Numbers:
At best, let her watch you eat bananas, cucumbers, popcicles other than that you’re an awful person, not a man and need to be sexiled.


Vicar Knowlen occasionally answers sex and relationship questions from Pummelo readers. He wishes you a wonderful evening and will pray for your depraved souls. You can reach him at thepummelo@hotmail.com and put "Ask the Vicar" in the subject.

Herman Cain Ain't No Drug Dealer

"Pimp Daddy" Herman Cain

URBANDALE, IA – At a campaign stop in Iowa, Herman Cain, running for the Republican nomination for president, displayed more of his street credentials while talking about states’ rights and marijuana use, all the while denying that he was a drug dealer.

The topic of marijuana came up while Cain was meeting with voters in Iowa, after some of the crowd asked the candidate if he could explain recent campaign stumbles.

"I'll try to remember," Cain said. "I can't remember some things instantaneously,... I try to gather my thoughts." To which someone in the crowd yelled it “Herman isn’t here man” the candidate smiled but another voter asked his position on marijuana legalization.

“Let’s be factual,” said Cain. “I owe my career, my fortune to college boys smoking blunts, so I say we have to let people decide on their own.”

"But let's get two things straight: Herman Cain ain't no pimp and Herman Cain ain't no drug dealer."

When pressed Cain responded that while he himself did not believe in using marijuana he felt that it was not the responsibility of the federal government to restrict it. “Voters in a number of states have allowed ganja to be sold and for some people to get nicely toasted,” said Cain. “As president I feel it would be wrong for me to go against those states, or order federal agents to.”

Another voter asked why Cain even knew such terms he responded that he was a young adult and business man in the Sixties and Seventies. “I didn’t live in track housing I had to hustle to make a living,” he responded.

Man Has Permanent Poop Stain on His Thumb

Joe Banks just can't seem to pull off one entire sheet of
toilet paper, despite his best efforts.

LITTLE ROCK, AR - Joe Banks has a problem, though you'd probably never guess it if you saw him on the street. After all, he's the Senior Vice President of Loan Origination at First National Bank, has three lovely children that always get straight A's, a wife that was a gourmet chef before she decided to stay at home and raise their children, and a dog that actually sits and stays on command.

Yep - Joe Banks on the outside has probably one of the most perfect lives that somebody could ever have.

All it takes, however, is one look into his bathroom to see that there is a serious problem with Joe Banks. "Yeah... I've never been able to properly tear a sheet of toilet paper from the roll," Banks admitted to us recently. "It's been a big problem all my life."

From skid marks in his drawers to an almost constant poop stain on his thumb that doesn't quite go away any more, Banks is reaching the end of his rope. "Just once I'd like to be able to wad up paper, shove it into my butt crack, and clean myself like a normal person," Banks sobbed. "I don't think that's too much to ask!"

Of course Banks has tried using a bidet - without success. "There was water everywhere," Banks said with a sign. "I even had water in my small intestines after that - I decided I was better off with a poop stained thumb."

Thankfully it hasn't affected his job - yet. "So far I've managed to cope with this by going to the tanning salons and just making sure my skin tone matches the skin tone of my thumb stain," Banks said.

Dr. William Mathers of the Mayo Clinic says cases like Joe's are very rare. "The inability to correctly use toilet paper affects only 1 out of 100 million Americans each year," Mathers told us. "Unfortunately there really isn't a cure - one with this terrible unnamed affliction must just keep soap and water with them wherever they go to make sure they have a clean ass and a clean thumb."

Banks says he hopes one day there will be a cure. "It would be nice to have a green thumb instead of a brown thumb," he said. "That's my dream right now."

It's Official: Tiger Woods Can't Stroke His Balls Properly

Tiger Woods & Steve Stricker lost to Adam Scott & K.J. Choi
yesterday 7 & 6 to confirm Woods' inability to properly
stroke his own balls. Photo: Angela George

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - It seemed like it would be a nice, easy walk on the golf course when Steve Stricker and Tiger Woods were once again paired together in President's Cup action this week. After all, Woods and Stricker went 4-0 in the last President's Cup and they won their first six matches together as partners.

However, yesterday simply wasn't their day as 12 holes later, their opponents K.J. Choi and Adam Scott walked away 7 & 6 victors in the match.

Stricker was visibly frustrated after the match. "Tiger just hasn't been the same man since he stopped cheating on his wife," he told us. "It's very evident that the man has lost the ability to put a proper stroke on his balls."

Since the story of his adultery broke, Tiger has dropped from being the top ranked golfer in the world to being ranked 50th this week. Adam Scott says it's no big deal. "I'm just thankful I patterned my golf game after Tiger and not my personal life," Scott said. "Now it's my time to shine and I'm going to take every advantage I can. If that means I beat a man while his stroke his off, then so be it."

Steve Williams, Woods' former caddie and now current caddie to Scott, put it another way. "I hope we kick his black ass all over this President's Cup!"

Tiger tells us that despite the setbacks, it is more important that the Americans show well in the Cup and that was proven with their 4-2 lead after yesterday's competition. "I may not be on my best game yet, but anyone who has been around golf for any period of time will tell you how important it is to get a professional stroke on those balls. As many of you know, I've had to change my stroke recently and it just doesn't feel the same, so it's taken me off my game."

Candy Makers Hail New Food Guidelines

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move hailed by confectioners, chocolate makers, and nut farmers everywhere, the House of Representatives passed a spending bill that includes new guidelines for school lunches provided by schools receiving Federal money.

The bill allows schools to include Snickers, Hundred Thousand Dollar Bars and Oh Henry! Bars, among others, to be counted as full meals, as they provide either nuts, peanuts,or rice as the vegetable and protein necessary to meet a child’s daily nutrition.


This new bill completely dismisses new rules and guidelines that went into effect in May by order of the United States Department of Agriculture. The current regulations mandated that actual vegetables be uses at least three school provided meals a week rather than pizza sauce or ketchup.

House Appropriations Committee Chairman Harold Rogers, a Republican from Kentucky, stated that he felt strongly that all the previous restrictions and provisions were costly and an unneeded burden. “It is not that hard to make sure children eat properly,” Rogers said. “We just felt that these restrictions mandating broccoli or beans were taking away from parents and students right to choose, and had a powerful negative effect on the economy.”

Rogers explained the new bill would help the economy,” The candy companies that produce these nutritious bars, the nut growers, the salt industry and sugar producers are suffering, there are only so many happy meals that children can eat, this way we make sure these industries vital to the economy are buttressed while giving choice at schools and healthy foods.”

Thousands Confused By Albuquerque Road Sign

Mr. Wong must be SO proud...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM - In a town that is famous for causing rabbits to miss that left turn comes yet another road sign flub.

The city council today approved the name of a newly built bypass road to be Wong Way. Though it may seem innocuous enough, the city has installed the sign below an advertisement for public parking. This has residents believing that they are actually not allowed to turn right onto Wong Way even though they are allowed to do so.

Bugs Bunny says this is just typical for Albuquerque. "Ehhhh... What do you expect? It's not like they label left turns or nothing. Of course they'd mislabel a right turn too. "

Bugs sighed. "But maybe it's not all bad... Elmer might get off my back."

City Council member Norman Noriega tells us he doesn't understand the problem. "It's not like the road is called 'Wrong Way,'" he told us. "It's Wong Way. If anybody here could speak any fucking English, this wouldn't be an issue at all. Instead, I've got to deal with these Mexi-can'ts who do nothing but cause trouble, pick apples, and make great burritos."

We pointed out to Mr. Noriega that he too was Hispanic. "But I'm a Mexi-can, motherfucker!" he declared. "I'm on the council! I make things happen! It's not my fault people can't turn down Wong Way!"

Bugs says this too is typical for Albuquerque. "Ehhh... It's in the middle of nowhere. There's nothing to do but make jewelry, go golfing, or miss your left turn. They even grow little carrots... I'd go crazy here too."

The sign is going to stay up, so if you are traveling to Albuquerque any time in the near future, please be aware that you can indeed turn right on Wong Way.

New PS3 Game Will Teach Adults How to Call the Police

Yes - even you will be able to dial 911.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Sony Corporation of America [SCA], the American subsidiary of Tokyo-based Sony Corporation and makers of the PlayStation 3 system, has announced today a new cooperative deal with Rockstar Games that will allow for the development of a brand new video game that will teach adults how to contact police during stressful instances.

"After witnessing what has happened to Mike McQueary during this shameful disaster at Penn State, what struck me the most from this ordeal was the fact that all of the adults in the situation were unsure of how to properly contact the necessary authorities," said Howard Stringer, Chariman, CEO, & President of SCA. "Because of that, we feel like we have a responsibility to attempt to educate the general public in how to contact the police and what better educational medium does Sony have but the PlayStation and the PlayStation Network?"

Though only in the idea-forming stage, Hal Midwell from Rockstar Games tells us that he envisions a very interactive game involving the PlayStation Move equipment. "The best part about a game simulation is that it creates memory engrams that stay with the player," said Midwell. "If in the game they witness someone abusing a child and the only way they are able to progress to the next level is to whip out their cell phone and punch in the number for the police, that should translate into real life action as well."

Most games take at least a year from initial development to being on the shelves, but Midwell says they can have this done in three months. "It is critically important that we get this game to the general public as soon as possible," he said. "We cannot have people not knowing what to do when they see a crime taking place."

Marge Kramer, from Mothers Against Child Abuse [MACA], applauds the efforts. "Unfortunately people are getting incredibly stupid," she told us. "Anything that will attempt to stall or reverse that trend in an area of safety has my vote."

Stringer says the success of this game may breed other situational games, such as avoiding trip hazards or not sticking forks into exposed outlets in your home. "We are just interested in saving lives," said Stringer. "After all, more people means more potential customers and we like customers."

The game, which as of yet is untitled, is expected to retail for $59.99

Facebook Spam Blamed On Lotion Refusal

Ew. EW.

BOSTON, MA - All she had to do was put the lotion on the skin. Was that so much to ask? WAS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

Apparently it was, as Lucy Meyers refused the request from her sick fuck of an unidentified captor who had thrown her in a hole in their basement. Knowing that Meyers didn't give a crap about getting the hose again, her captor did the next nefarious thing that came into their sick, warped mind - in other words, he/she uploaded soft porn shots of Justin Bieber into the Facebook spam matrix.

Also included are several pictures of mutilated dogs, bouncing gianormous titties, and a GOP group corn dog eating session.

Thankfully the FBI was able to track down the IP address of the photo uploads and we have confirmation that they were able to shut down the computer matrix and rescue Ms. Meyers from the basement hole. We were also able to confirm that the kidnapper was accidentally shot in the knee seven times and is recovering at County General Hospital. All are encouraged to find a way to get into the secure unit to shoot him again.

Justin Bieber released a brief statement about the images. "These aren't me. I didn't impregnate that woman and I don't wear brown panties."

As with this and the other images, users are encouraged to not click on them if they appear on your wall as that will continue to spread this spam around everywhere. And if you click on the Justin Bieber pic and it appears on my wall, I promise that I will hunt you down and make you lick it.

Ninjas Use This Man's Pancakes As Weapons of Mass Destruction

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Todd Jenkins might look like your average fine dining chef during your initial first glance of him, but once you step into his kitchen, you'll discover that Jenkins has a whole different side to him.

"I got into fine dining because I couldn't cook breakfast if my life depended on it," Jenkins tells us with a laugh. "I once even ruined a bowl of Life cereal. That's how bad I am at cooking breakfast."

And got into fine dining he did, as he is the recipient of two Michelin stars for his restaurant simply called Todd. "I believe in simple foods, simple techniques, and explosive flavors," says Jenkins. "Do that perfectly and your customers will come back every single time."

What people don't know about Todd Jenkins is that he is so bad at cooking pancakes that he is world famous. "Ninjas come and buy my pancakes from me," he says sheepishly. "Apparently when I'm done with them, they are the perfect balance, weight, and hardness to be a massively destructive weapon against anti-ninja forces."

Jenkins says he never sees the ninjas. "I just get an order in my kitchen out of the blue. I create the order, place it on the counter, and sure enough - it's replaced within a few minutes by a rather large sum of cash."

Jenkins tells us that his pancakes have been used in several critical ninja missions. "But I'm not at liberty to discuss the details of those missions, unfortunately," he said. "Let's just say that my pancake is mightier than both the pen and the sword!"

No ninjas responded to our call for a comment about Todd's pancakes as of press time - at least that we know of.

"Now Is The Time!" Announces Whites Only Basketball Commissioner

Don "Moose" Lewis wants to change this picture soon

ATLANTA, GA – In his first major public appearance since March 2010, an ecstatic Don “Moose” Lewis this evening announced that he is ready to fill the void left by the NBA.

“I want to thank Billy Hunter and the great David Stern for giving us the opening to eventually replace them,” Lewis said “This is a momentous time in All-American Basketball Alliance history and we are going to step in and take it.”

Previously, in January of 2010, Lewis announced that he was creating a 10 team league that would exclusively have, "Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.” 

The 10 team proposal was initially for cities throughout the American south, such as Augusta, Georgia, and Birmingham, Alabama.

Lewis attributes his current mood and revitalized plan to the news from NBA Players Association that they have rejected the owner’s most recent offer and will begin legal action to end the league’s antitrust exemption “Billy Hunter is right to dissolve their union,” said Lewis. “It’s clearly the best action for them, but more importantly it’s what’s best for us and even more importantly the American sports fan.” 

Lewis explained that he will now redouble his previous work and rather than launch in just southern cities he will look to launch in cities now without basketball. “Chicago, Oklahoma City, and Los Angeles - we are going to go right after the market the NBA doesn’t care about, and more importantly we will be giving jobs to the displaced, I plan to hold tryouts for them poor white boys hanging out in them occupy things, them boys need jobs and ways to pay off their student loans.”

Billy Hunter and David Stern had no comment on Lewis’s press conference - Derek Fischer simply asked us who Moose Lewis is.

Sons Of Confederate Veterans Rush To Save Bill O'Reilly's Book

BILOXI, MS – Fox News pundit, radio host, and writer Bill O'Reilly received good news this morning after a week of brutal assaults on his book Killing Lincoln, co-authored with Martin Dugard.

This morning Richard V. Forte, chairman of the Mississippi Division, Sons of Confederate Veterans announced that the gift shop at Beauvoir, the presidential library and museum for Jefferson Davis President of the Confederate States of America, will gladly sell all copies of the book that Ford’s Theater is refusing to sell.

“The combined boards of Beauvoir met over the weekend and decided to embrace and assist Mr. O’Reilly,” said Forte. “We feel that it is outrageous that the theater wouldn’t sell this definitive book of American history.”

The book has been slammed by critics and historians for being historically inaccurate in virtually every way. The Washington, D.C.-based Ford’s Theater, where John Wilkes Booth fatally shot Lincoln back in 1865, has banned the book from being sold, "because of the lack of documentation and the factual errors within the publication," in the words of Ford's deputy superintendent Rae Emerson.

Forte when on to say that he feels the attitude towards this book is another example of propaganda the ‘North’ has continually waged to explain the “War of Northern Aggression’ “I will not say that I am a supporter of Mr. Lincoln,” said Forte. “Regardless we can be assured that because of his public visibility Mr. O’Reilly has done his fact checking and represented history in away Doris Kearns Goodwin probably didn’t need to.”

“Mr. O'Reilly's work is to establish a new kind of truth,” Forte said. “A truth based more on what a man believes "should have been" rather than such unreliable things as facts.”

Because there are costs associated with the up keep and constant restoration at Beauvoir, O’Reilly’s publisher, Henry Holt has agreed that fifty cents from every volume sold will be given to the Sons of Confederate Veterans.

Chicago Bears Benefit From Detroit's Inability to Untwist Their Schwartz

Soldier Field - where the Lions got their Schwartzes twisted.

CHICAGO, IL - After a 37-13 beat down by the Chicago Bears yesterday afternoon, Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz - you remember, the guy who got all pissy with Jim Harbaugh because he slapped him on the back - was none too happy with God.

"Did you see the wind out there tonight?" he asked reporters belligerently. "One of Matt's [Stafford] passes moved 3 yards on him after he let go of the ball. We'd move in for a field goal and the wind would start blowing like crazy. Yet when the Bears were on offense? Of course the wind would die down."

"It's blatantly obvious that God hates the Detroit Lions," continued Schwartz. "When you can't predict the wind, when you can't predict the referee, and you can't predict whatever else God might do to your team, well then... you have no chance at winning."

After a 5-0 start, the Lions have lost 3 of their last 4. Schwartz says this is God's fault as well. "The Detroit Lions are a 9-0 team," he said defiantly, with fire in his eyes. "It's not our fault that we have this losing trend - it's God's fault."

Schwartz shook an angry finger at reporters. "Make no mistake about it!" he declared. "If God was on our side, we wouldn't be talking about any of this!"

Brian Urlacher, linebacker for the Chicago Bears, just shrugged off the comments about God helping out his team. "It's pretty obvious that right now, the Detroit Lions have their schwartzes all twisted it up. That sucks for them - I'm sure they hate that when it happens. It certainly helped us out though."

Obamacare Goes Under the Knife in March

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Supreme Court has ruled today that they will be ruling in June after hearing arguments in March over the constitutionality of the health care reform law passed last year, which many consider to be the uncrowned crowning achievement of what many consider to be a domestically sackless Obama campaign.

"Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, more than 1 million young people have come into having health care insurance, women are getting their boobies looked at and scanned without having to spend any money on gigolos, and insurance companies have to actually spend your insurance premium money on medical expenses instead of golfing trips with the President in Hawai'i," White House Communications Director Dan Pfiffer said this morning. "I know 1 million doesn't seem like a lot when compared to the 350 million people who live in the United States, but 1 million new votes can win a second term for this administration."

The primary question is the provision the act that requires individuals to carry health care insurance or pay a penalty, though the court will look at the law as a whole to see if it is Constitutional and if the Federal Government stands to actually profit from it. "I see this coming out of the SCOTUS as a big win for all of us," said Pfiffer. "There's no way our bribes to the Republican justices won't pay off."

After all, these are high stakes. This is the highest profile case since the SCOTUS took on Bush vs. Gore  to decide the 2000 Presidential election. Because of these high stakes, an unprecedented five and a half hours of oral persuasion has been scheduled. Pfiffer says his people are up to the challenge. "We've already started practicing," he told us with a grin. "One can always be a little bit better with their oral skills, especially with so much at stake."

The Speaker Of The Grouse: Adam Sandler Is Not Funny Dammit!

The Speaker of the Grouse. He
speaks & he grouses.

Alright, so the meds have worn off. I tried for the sake of the Love-Matic machine, but it didn’t help at all and now... now I have nothing but rage to warm me as winter comes. Just a reminder, I’m not a happy guy - I’m belligerent and nasty. The greatest man I never met George Carlin described me once this way: “I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay? And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.” So lets do some sorting shall we? 

- I'm dying for a soft drink made by the Coca Cola Company for some reason. THIS WHY WE HAVE TO SUPPORT OCCUPY EVERYWHERE! Look you twits - I’m addicted to a caffeine/sugar concoction as are ALL OF YOU! Whether It’s Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or Starbucks, we all crave this shit and it’s not right, not right at all. They did it deceptively by increasing the size and abundance of the product they are poisoning us and never mind I have my Big Gulp. 

- Speaking of Occupy... IF YOU ARE NOT SUPPORTING THEM YOU SUCK! First there is nothing ever wrong with wanting a better world. Second have you noticed all the people without jobs, or houses, or shelter? WHEN THE BANKS CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT IT'S PUT UP OR SHUT UP TIME! ALL THE MANAFACTURING WENT OVERSEAS! FUCK OFF TELLING ME TO GET A JOB AND WORK HARD ALL THE JOBS ARE IN RETAIL OR SERVICE! So there is no future in that, no one can afford a house making minimum wage, no one can afford a car. If you don’t know the facts, SHUT UP! The economy is broken; greed drove it off a cliff we have to have reform not tomorrow TODAY!

- WTF? ADAM FUCKING SANDLER HAS ANOTHER HIT MOVIE? Dear America, THIS WHY WE CAN”T HAVE ANOTHER “SOME LIKE IT HOT” BECAUSE YOU THINK FART JOKES ARE FUNNY! I HATE YOU! $12 a ticket and you fuckwits go see Sandler as a woman, there is a reason I don’t have sharp objects in my house.

- Isn’t it great that Mike Vick and the Eagles are failing? This gives me hope that Karma is still active.

- As I say that, my kids show me the “Jersey Shore” ornaments they bought for the Christmas Tree. They force me to put up this because rather than hearing “Come On Eileen” on 80s weekend on the radio we’re getting Christmas music. So please excuse me while I go swallow 200 Xanax.

The Speaker of the Grouse has an opportunity to grouse every now and then. His opinions expressed are generally not supported by The Pummelo in any fashion.

Indianapolis Colts Look To Keep Lead In "Suck For Luck" Campaign

The Colts look to maintain their 1 game lead today
in their quest to win Suck for Luck.
Photo: John Martinez Pavliga/Flickr

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Colts fans who at this point are not expecting the return of Peyton Manning or a playoff spot in the 2011/2012 NFL campaign after a horrendous 0-9 start still have some hopes alive. You see, the Indianapolis Colts still hold a 1.5 game lead over the Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams in what has become known as the "Suck for Luck" campaign.

Andrew Luck, the quarterback at Stanford who came back to school for another chance at the BCS National Championship, is considered to be the undisputed #1 draft choice coming into the NFL draft.

Though the thought of losing on purpose is a terrible thought to many fans, employees of an NFL organization, and to the players in general, for the Colts, Dolphins, and Rams, they have a bit of a different perspective. "Yeah it's hard to earn big money as a wide receiver when you've got guys like Kerry Collins or Curtis Painter throwing the ball your way," said Anthony Gonzalez, WR for the Colts. "I can't deny that it wouldn't be a bad thing to get Luck in here and either throw me the ball in 2012 or learn the NFL game under [Peyton] Manning. Would I drop balls on purpose in order to guarantee getting Luck?" Gonzalez smiled mischievously. "I guess you'll never know, will you?"

Davone Bess, WR for the Miami Dolphins, had similar thoughts. "Miami has not had a high quality quarterback since Dan Marino, man," he told us. "It's just too bad our running backs here are so damn good and our defensive line is able to get a sack now and then - otherwise we'd be right there with those Colts in first place on this thing."

The Colts have a difficult task in front of them facing the Jacksonville Jaguars, themselves only 2.5 games off the pace in Suck for Luck and are taking a long, hard look at getting themselves a chance at a franchise quarterback. Al Michaels tells us he's thankful this game isn't the Sunday night game this week. "This will probably be one the of the worst football games in recent memory," said Michaels. "Both teams questing to lose instead of win - there will be 12 turnovers, 24 sacks, and the winner will be determined by that one guy looking to get off the team next season and earn a bigger paycheck."

Michaels sighed. "I'd rather do a play-by-play commentary on an episode of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't envy the people who have to call that game one bit. In fact, they are welcome to come over later and visit with Madden and I while we eat our annual turducken."

"We'll get done what we need to get done," Gonzalez said. "If it looks like we might win, I'd even go as far as to say I might hide somebody's cleats or their helmet so they can't get into the game. Getting Luck really is that important to us here in Indianapolis."

NBA Lockout Causes Mega Fan To Have Daily Seizures

Now whenever Keith Mitchell sees an empty NBA court,
he gets uncontrollable seizures.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - When it comes to being a fan of the 76ers, not many people would argue with you that Keith Mitchell is one of, if not the biggest, fan of the team out there. He attends every game, both home and away, has jerseys made up for every member of the team that he keeps framed on his wall for each season, has the entire team as his fantasy squad every year, and even has 130 Sixer tattoos over his body.

Where is Keith Mitchell today as the NBA continues it's 136 day and counting lockout? In the hospital.

Doctors can only describe his condition to us as critical and similar to severe withdrawal symptoms, such as what many experience when coming off of a combination of heroin, crack, and meth simultaneously. Therefore we reached out to his wife to see what she had to say.

"Keith had a seizure last night when he heard that the players were considering a 50-50 split and that with all the concessions they had made, there was still no basketball," Maria Mitchell told us. "It was just too much for him to take and his brain shut down."

Maria tells us that she's been holding off this outcome for weeks now. "We've conducted mock fantasy drafts, mock seasons, and I even managed to get him playing basketball on the PlayStation," Maria tells us. "It seems like I was just substituting his habit with a lower quality teaser, unfortunately." She broke down in tears. "I just want my Keith back. Damn all of you associated with the NBA!"

NBA Commissioner David Stern tells us his heart goes out to all those affected by the long lockout. "It's just unfortunate that we can't decide how to allocate this $4.5 billion of the fan's money over the next 10 year period. I blame the greedy players."

And not surprisingly, the National Basketball Player's Association blames Stern and the owners. "They've never negotiated in good faith. They're greedy bastards looking to take a piece of the talent that we provide to the NBA," said union president Derek Fisher. "They can go rot in hell."

Maria says she doesn't care who is right or wrong - she just wants her husband back. What message does she have to the NBA owners and players? "Get back to basketball so my husband can recover and come home," she said. "Stop being greedy and think of the fans here. Think of my poor husband experiencing seizures because you're not playing."