Get a Clue

A note from the Editor:

We generally don't take things too seriously here at The Pummelo. However, sometimes one must stand up, say what must be said, and let the chips fall where they may. That's the reason why The Pummelo runs a Tumblr site called Occupy My Toilet, where we take a serious look at the issues behind the Occupy Movement. This post is special to OMT & deserved to be reprinted here. Agree or disagree, we hope this piece makes you think. 

-Graeme

By Jen Winkler Helsel:

I thought “don’t talk about religion or politics” was generally accepted as a basic rule of considerate interaction.  I mean, you really have to know your crowd.  Obviously, he didn’t know his crowd, because I didn’t agree with a single piece of Fox News based garbage he was upchucking all over our ears.  Then again, maybe this guy did know his crowd - some will agree with him, and the others who don’t have too fine of upbringing to engage in political debates at a family Thanksgiving dinner.

But it’s not Thanksgiving dinner anymore. And I have words brewing. It’s not a bunch of lazy hippies who are mad because some people have more money than others.  It is hardworking Americans who see schools being closed, funding slashed for special ed programs, and cuts made at our police and fire stations, and then watch our government hand over billions of dollars to corporations who never pass the trickle on down.  It’s about the dismay that big box companies are laying off workers, not because they are not making a profit (Best Buy), but because they are not making a big enough profit.  It is about the frustration of so many big businesses who offer few, if any, full-time positions so that they can cheap out on health insurance and benefits, while private insurance is absolutely unaffordable for most.  

It’s about having bought in to the promise that getting an education and hard work were the answers to a comfortable and secure life, and then finding out that it will more likely result in huge school debt and underemployment.  It’s about lawmakers’ ability to vote themselves a raise, and recieve lifetime benefits for kissing lobbyists’ and big corporations’ asses instead of representing the public.  It’s about watching our parents and grandparents who worked hard all their lives and are now on fixed incomes having to deal with new cuts.  It’s about that suspicion that unless something changes, this is not going to be the kind of place we want our kids to live.  

Kitty Litter: The Secret to Romance?

Word is this feels awesome on your vah-jay-jay.

BIG BEAVER, PA - Living the celebrity life can be done without fortune and fame, but it has its pitfalls as Anne Taynuze discovered.

“I read the tabloids, the magazines, and I watch E!, so yeah, I think I’m pretty well informed about the celebrities,” said Taynuze.

Taynuze doesn’t consider herself an obsessive fan, just “well informed” when it comes to their secrets of health, beauty, and shopping. "I like to consider my beaver to be the smartest beaver in Big Beaver," Taynuze told us. "Men like beavers for the brains AND their looks."

Not all of those beauty secrets, however, work out for the best. “Yeah, I’m a fan of hers and I just don’t understand why her beauty tip doesn’t work for me,” said the 33-year-old Taynuze.

Following a published report that stated Jersey Shore TV star “Snooki” rubs kitty litter on her vuh-jay-jay to exfoliate it and make the skin smooth, Taynuze decided to give the beauty secret a try. “I wanted my treasure to be smooth for my next man. My husband cheated on me and left me because he said I was obsessed with this stuff so here I am preparing for the next chapter in my life. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.”

Unfortunately for Taynuze, she got carried away with the exfoliation. “It made my honey pot feel good, so I just kept rubbing it all over my butt and my legs. I kinda got carried away.”

Taynuze developed an allergic reaction to her newfound beauty secret and soon found herself in the local emergency room. “I didn’t have enough Cortisone cream to stop all the itching and, well, I guess I got pretty enthusiastic with my exfoliation, so I had some pieces lodged in a couple of precious beaver cracks. That not only itched... but it burned like a motherfucker!”

Despite the allergic reaction, Taynuze continues to search for kitty litter that doesn’t cause her to break out in hives. “Some day, when my Prince arrives, he will fall in love with me and my beaver treasure. He will not only love my silky smooth skin... he will worship my beaver of awesomeness.”

In the mean time, Anne continues to test areas of skin on the inside of her thigh with kitty litter while posting a personal ad on Craigslist.

Neither Anne’s family nor her ex-husband would comment prior to this story being published.

By: Jay McClung

Mincemeat Spill Closes Highway

PITTSBURGH, PA — A flood of gooey muck dropped from a tanker truck disabled more than 100 cars and damaged an unknown number of other vehicles along a nearly 40-mile stretch of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, officials said.

"A leaking valve on a tanker trucker spread what is said to be mincemeat over the eastbound lanes of a long stretch of the Pennsylvania Turnpike on Tuesday night," State Patrol spokesperson Levi Potter said.

Law enforcement and emergency officials said 150 or more cars were disabled when the sticky goo covered their tires and wheels. Some state police and turnpike maintenance vehicles had to be towed away after getting stuck in the tar-like substance, according to the turnpike operations center.

Traffic was moving normally Wednesday morning, but the sticky mess hindered the travel plans of some motorists traveling for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Paula Fontaine was traveling from Pittsburgh to Atlantic City and had to turn back, she said the mess was unsettling and that she is looking at some potentially expensive insurance deductibles. "It didn't seem like anyone knew what it was or what to do. It's still piled on my tire, and under carriage and its hardened who knows what it will take to get off the car," Fontaine said.

Peter Marsh was able to navigate the mess and get his car cleaned off but has a question that seems unanswerable. “A tanker truck full of mincemeat, really?  I didn’t think more than five people still ate mincemeat pie who the hell needs a few hundred gallons of mincemeat?”

The state patrol said the tanker driver will be cited for not properly securing his load and for not declaring a hazzard in his manifest. Maintenance and Hazard disposal crews got out quickly, dumping containment powder on the goop and using snow plows to push it on to the shoulder.

PETA of Pennsylvania issued a statement this morning saying they were disturbed the state was going to leave mincemeat for scavenging animals, “No one should be exposed to the disgusting material especially animals who may not know better,” read the statement.”

When You're Here You're A Dysfunctional Family

The Olive Garden's slogan includes dysfunctional families too

KANSAS CITY, MO – Apparently the Olive Garden advertising slogan “When You’re Here, You’re Family” is completely embraced by the dysfunctional Martin family.

Tuesday night the restaurant hosted 22 members of the clan who had come together to spend the week celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday.

Their meal began at 6:45 and by 8:15 the restaurant at 500 NW Barry Rd was evacuated and a crowd surrounded by 7 police cruisers, a swat team, and three engines and a pumper truck from the Kansas City Fire Department.

The family friendly case began with another customer, Karen Freed complained about the noise of several Martin children at the nearby table. Upon the complaint Jean Martin allegedly proceeded to punch the woman in the neck to show proper dining decorum.

Freed’s companion, a Thomas Haven, then attempted to intervene when Jean Martin’s son Tyler tackled Haven and began punching him. When restaurant staff attempted to separate the combatants they were assaulted by Brandon, Chase and Lisa Martin.

According to reports at this time a fire started near one of the eatery’s emergency exits. Apparently because Harold Martin brought a barbeque into the restaurant after disabling the emergency signal, Kansas City Fire Department spokesman Andrea Riley said.

Harold Martin said he had no choice when the family choose an, “Italian place because they can’t burn a steak right.”

As police arrived to separate the varying fighters, they were assaulted by other members of the family. During the fighting, the restaurant’s sprinklers came on and an evacuation began. After everyone was gathered in the parking lot and officers attempted to restore order more fist fights began, not only between the Martins and others but within the family. Customers and staff said police pepper sprayed the crowd as an effort to gain control.

The evening ended with half the family who attended arrested, including Harold’s wife, Maude, who took the opportunity presented by the chaos to attack hostess Kaitlyn Perry for, “Eying my man” Police Captain John Crawford said that the night was interesting but the Olive Garden should perhaps reevaluate their slogan.

Maryse Austin Loves Her Some Nerds [And We Don't Mean the Candy]

BLOOMINGTON, IN - Maryse Austin loves nerds.

"I love fat nerds, skinny nerds, geeky nerds, freckled nerds, black nerds, Indian nerds, midget nerds, Asian nerds, Christian nerds, Muslim nerds, atheist nerds... I love all nerds," Austin tells The Pummelo. "But most of all, I love nerdy nerds. They're my favorite kind of nerds."

Maryse says that there has never been a time she can remember that she hasn't like nerds. "There's just something about the size of their brains... they're SO big," she said, running a gentle finger along her bottom lip before lightly biting it. "I love getting my hands on big things and let me tell you, nerds have more than one big thing - especially black nerds."

What else do black nerds have? Maryse smiles. "Huge pocket protectors."

Her favorite movie? "Revenge of the Nerds," she says. "When Poindexter gets up there and starts playing the violin, I always have to find time to touch myself somewhere nice. Otherwise I get super grouchy and no one likes me when I'm super grouchy."

Maryse estimates that she has slept with almost 500 nerds so far. "People make fun of nerds a lot, but they shouldn't," she says sadly. "While everyone else is thinking of sports or science or computer technology, nerds are thinking about sex." She giggled. "I got that from my favorite movie - you know, the scene where they do it on the moon bounce? Love that scene... but it's so true. I did a football player once and all he wanted was quick penetration and to come - you know, like masturbating, but with a woman."

"Nerds," Maryse continued, "either know exactly how to charm a woman or have never been with a woman and are eager to learn. That's what good sex is about - learning, exploring, touching."

Ever thought about female nerds? "All the time," purrs Maryse. "When it comes to nerds, I don't discriminate."

If you're a nerd who would like to hook up with Maryse, she says to look her up on Ashley Madison. "Life is about having fun," she says, "and believe me, if you're a nerd, I'm gonna show you a real good time."

Knights Deny Involvement in Shrubbery Shortage

The Knights Who Say Ni claim they have no idea
what has happened to Worcestershire's shrubberies.

WORCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND - For weeks now, local residents of this West Midlands county have been baffled by some awfully strange occurrences.

Mildred Martin, a lifelong resident of Tenbury Wells, was one of the first victims. "I just woke up one morning, went outside to tend my gardens, and discovered that all of my shrubberies were missing," she tells us. "It was very disheartening to find that thieves had stolen my shrubberies."

And so it has continued each night, according to John Harkes of the West Mercia police. "We've had someone from Worcestershire call in a theft of shrubbery every night since the first call of Ms. Martin's shrubberies," Harkes said. "It's been 7 weeks now, and that's a lot of shrubberies missing."

Martin tells us that she knows exactly who stole her shrubberies, however. "It was those damned Knights Who Say Ni," she said bitterly. "You can hear them sometimes at night calling out their sacred words 'Ni!' 'Peng!' and 'Neee-Wom!' It's bloody annoying, let me tell you."

The Knights deny any involvement with the shrubbery theft. "We... have... no need for a... shrubbery!" an unnamed knight told us in a high pitched squeaky voice from the woods, refusing to let us see anything but his exposed antlers. "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptangya Ziiinnggggggg Ni!"

Whatever that means.

Turkeys Rush to Join Occupy Movement

Thomas & his band of 4 are joining OWS
this Thanksgiving.

NEW YORK CITY - Five rebel wild turkeys from northern New York, right around the Buffalo area, have escaped the clutches of the cold, snow, and certain upcoming death of their normal surroundings and are headed to join up with the 30,000 strong Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City.

Thomas, their leader, tells us that for him it was a no brainer. "I didn't want to lose my head. I didn't want my friends to lose their heads. So we decided to accept the taboo that comes with not wanting to be eating on Thanksgiving and wish to join our Occupy brothers and sisters in making a difference for our country."

Dave Smith, a member of Occupy NYC since the very beginning, says that all help is welcome. "Let it be known that whatever race, creed, or animal you are, all are welcome here," said Smith. "Corporate corruption affects more than just human lives, and this small group of turkeys will help us prove that to the masses."

Thomas says they would just fly down there, but one of his group, a female bird name Thomina, had part of her wing clipped in a recent hunting accident involving Dick Cheney. "We don't leave our own behind," Thomas told us. "If Thomina has to walk, then we all walk. What's important is that we're going and that we'll be there to help protest."

Though they would appreciate seeing fellow Occupy supporters during their journey to New York City, Thomas says they've decided to keep their route a secret. "People get crazy when they see turkeys this time of year," Thomas said. "We don't want any unfortunate accidents that involve one of us getting basted, roasted, filled with stuffing, or fried in peanut oil."

President Obama, who just today had a speech interrupted by another Occupy group, tells us exclusively that he fully supports Thomas and his group of 4. "I'm fully pardoning these five turkeys from their Thanksgiving death sentence," Obama said. "I know that won't stop some Republicans or some NRA members from attempting some vigilante justice, but these turkeys need to know that the United States supports them and that the United States supports their ideals."

Thomas says everyone is welcome to visit with his group on Thursday. "We plan on walking down Broadway, gobbling up a storm, and if that means we get pepper sprayed, then so be it," said Thomas. "We're not afraid of threats of violence - we're turkeys. We're born to be killed and eaten."

Nickelback In Therapy Due to Excessive Derogatory Jokes

The members of Nickelback reportedly are unable to play
due to all of the jokes about their music that are currently
in circulation. That's not a bad thing. Photo: James Anderson

TORONTO - Word has filtered down through the music scene of Canada that Chad Kroeger and the other members of Nickelback have been forced to seek out a therapist to help them all work out some issues due to the amount of derogatory comments and jokes that are directed their way.

"It's really tough to hear that you suck every day," Kroeger told us, in tears. "My music doesn't suck - the public sucks. Yeah."

Apparently Nickelback is in such dire straights that they were unable to complete their set last night. "We got booed off the stage, and that's just ridiculous," Kroeger said. "I don't apologize for the fact that we don't chase fads. We're a meat and potatoes band. We do rock and roll. We don't do that electronic vocoder bullshit."

As of today, almost 100,000 jokes that degrade Nickelback are told daily on Twitter; 50,000 people signed a petition for them not to play the halftime show at the Green Bay vs. Detroit Thanksgiving football game, and there is a pickle on Facebook that has more fans than they do. Kroeger says it's just all too much. "Nobody understands how hard it is to make millions of dollars, live the rock and roll lifestyle, and create life altering music," said Kroeger. "The public's hate of us has built up to the point where we had to seek some sort of therapy or risk angering some Canadians with our language."

Part of this therapy was Nickelback doing a video with Funny or Die. It backfired. "That was probably the stupidest thing I've ever seen anyone do in the history of doing stupid things," Grandma Jane Moses, 108, of Detroit told us, "and I've seen a lot of stupid shit in my life. I wish those Nickelback idiots would just die so I could have the satisfaction of having outlived them."

PR specialist Lynn Kramer tells us that complaining about the jokes, admitting to therapy, and then attempting to be funny was the wrong route to go. "If I were to give them one piece of advice only," Kramer told us, "it would be for them to stop making shitty music. That's all it would take to get the public back on their side."

Kroeger says he just can't do that. "I've got to write what's on my soul," he told us. "I've got to write what I know. If the public thinks that I write terrible songs, then that's their problem, not mine - especially since people are buying millions upon millions of my records just to tell me that their crap."

Kroeger wiped away a tear. "My therapist told me to say that. It sounds good, but I don't believe it. I just want to be loved. I don't want jokes made about me."

In conclusion, we asked Kroeger for our nickel back from placing the phone call for this interview because it sucked terribly. The last thing we heard was him wailing as we hung up.

Rich Keep Getting Richer & The Fat Keep Getting Fatter

WASHINGTON D.C. – Lobbyist Sal Moogrowso is the happiest man in Washington despite threats from supporters of nutrition advocate Margo Wootan of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. Moogrowso and his team accomplished the unthinkable: convincing Congress that tomato paste on pizza counts as a vegetable in school cafeterias. This new congressional bill could void the school lunch standards the Agriculture Department proposed earlier this year under the Obama Administration.

This drastic switch in health philosophy has nutrition advocates in an uproar. A Margo Wootan advisor, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “It’s clear that Congress wants to our kids fat by keeping pizza and french fries in our schools. Pizza sauce is now considered a vegetable? Are you fucking kidding me? What’s next? Milk Duds become a viable substitute for milk?”

When asked about the comments coming from the Wootan camp, Sal Moogrowso responded with, “The only people who are fighting this bill are those skinny Vegans who don’t even like pizza. Who cares what they think. It’s about the kids and the kids love pizza and french fries. This is a huge victory for us!”

Moogrowso was also asked about the rumors that the American Frozen Food Industry would greatly benefit from this new bill but the over sized lobbyist simply responded with, “No Comment” before entering the Old Country Buffet with the President of the National Frozen Food Institute, Kraig Naasz.

At press time, the Wootan camp vowed to take this fight to the House and the Senate.

Could the Face of God Really Be... Zordon?

Could Zordon really be God?

MEGGIDO, ISRAEL - News has come out of Israel today that there are some strange things going on at the Mount of Meggido, which many Christians believe is the site for the battle of Armageddon.

"The ground started shaking, smoke starting rising from the tiny cracks in the ground, and soon after there was this mysterious figure floating above me," Cal Tambio, 42, of Jerusalem told us. "Truth be told, he kind of looked a bit like Zordon from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Kind of sounded like him too."

Linda Mitchell, 28, of Austin, TX, saw it too. "Our tour buss pulled over so we could take shelter from the earthquake and the next thing I knew there was this giant head floating above me in the smoke that was rising all around us." She shook her head. "It was the creepiest thing I've ever seen, next to that weird guy I sometimes see peeking at me when I take a shower."

After the Zordon-like head appeared, then what happened? "We were told that the end of the world was coming very soon," Tambio said. "We were told to stop believing in the powers of evil that emanated from Lord Zedd - whoever that is."

Mitchell says it was terrifying. "We were told that we would be sent into a thousand years of captivity in a hole on the moon. I don't know about you, but there's plenty of other things I'd rather be doing than to be stuck in some hole."

According to Tambio, the giant head repeated his message three times and then disappeared, as did the smoke. The earthquake also stopped almost simultaneously. "I'm just glad the whole thing is over and that no one got hurt," Tambio told us. "I've got enough to worry about with the Palestinians anyway."

Jim Daly of Focus on the Family doesn't put much credence in the stories of Tambio and Mitchell. "It sounds to me like that had a little too much PCP and then they saw exactly what they wanted to see," he said.

Franklin Graham from Samaritan's Purse agrees. "God isn't Zordon," he told us. "God is God. God is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Beginning and the End... not some face from a tube."

Even Imam Muhammad el-Vadil agrees. "Allah may work in mysterious ways, yes, but Allah doesn't work this mysteriously," he said. "Besides, no one watches that show for Zordon - they watch it for the Pink Ranger. If Pink Ranger had appeared, I might have found these stories more believable."

As for Mitchell, she considers it an experience where she got to talk with God, no matter what other people might think or feel. "I'm avoiding evil at all costs!" she declared. "God bless that giant head of God for putting me on the straight and narrow."

Lack Of Toilet Paper Leads Cthulhu To Destroy Charlotte Motel

An angry Cthulhu in Charlotte early this morning

CHARLOTTE, N.C. – A hotel in Charlotte has learned a very valuable lesson and will never again allow a guest to be without toilet paper after an apparently irate visiting Elder God destroyed two hotel rooms.

Upset about the lack of toilet paper that was available in its room, the malevolent entity known as Cthulhu destroyed $2,090 worth of hotel property on Monday, according to a Charlotte-Mecklenburg police report.

The incident, which happened at the Charlottetown Manor, occurred around 1:00 a.m. Monday morning. According to the report of officer Howard Phillips, Cthulhu grew irate after learning he didn’t have toilet paper and proceeded to break through the walls into a vacant room that was being renovated. Upon entering the room, he proceeded to clog the toilet, causing water damage to the room that included both carpet and celling tile damage.

Cthulhu would also go on to break a blow dryer and several lights.

The suspect returned to his room and damaged more property using physical force, according to the report. "He wouldn't say why he was in Charlotte and not his various realms, said Phillips. "He apologize to other guests and left, but yes he was charges with vanadlism, and told me it was because the hotel did not provide adequate t.p."

Gingrich: Not Allowing Six Year Olds To Work, Stupid!

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich
wants children to work.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Newt Gingrich proposed a plan Friday that would allow poor children to clean their schools and work as servants for money, saying such a setup would both allow children to earn income and endow them with a strong work ethic.

Speaking at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government, the former House Speaker said his system would be an improvement on current child labor laws, which he called "truly stupid."

"It is tragic what we do in the poorest of neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly idiotic," Gingrich said. "Saying to people you shouldn't go to work before you're 14, 16. They're totally poor, they come from poor families. They aren’t going to do much better, they should be earning by age six"

Gingrich then proposed a system he said would help society by using children in poverty. "I tried for years to have a very simple model. Kids would actually do work; they'd have cash; they'd have pride. We know they don’t do homework or their studies, I’ve never read of a poor person going to college."

Gingrich pointed to successful acquaintances who also needed the benefits of  cheaper domestics. "Go out and talk to people who are really successful," Gingrich said. "They all need dressing girls or someone to wash cars, and by working for people more successful they would be inspired me to put in longer hours or in the rare instance become successful themselves.”


"This is a making money at a very young age, and making work worthwhile for children, and really relieve us of having to pay adults to do some jobs and we can get rid of union jobs, ease the strain on schools, and rebuild debtors prisons where people truly belong for not paying off their credit cards, or Fannie Mae mortgages.”