Unexpected Cainwreck Changes Republic Race

Former GOP frontrunner and pizza magnate
Herman Cain. Photo: Gage Skidmore

ATLANTA, GA - Beleaguered Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, whose effort to win the White House has been rocked by claims of infidelity and sexual harassment, suspended his campaign on Saturday.

"As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching I am suspending my presidential campaign," Cain told crowd of supporters, gathered outside a building that was to have opened Saturday as Cain's national campaign headquarters.

“While I still strenuously deny every single allegation of misbehavior that have been made against me, I cannot deny that these accusations hurt my wife, hurt my family, hurts me personally because it is a reflection on my taste and I have to acknowledge the American people will never again vote for a rich man who banged, or might have banged excuse me, average to ugly bitches,” Cain said.

Cain apparently made the decision after a meeting last night with his wife Gloria. She joined her husband on the stage as Cain made his announcement, smiling and waving at supporters who chanted her name.

"I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife and she is at peace with me," he said. “She is a beautiful woman and knows that if I had stepped outside our marital bed it would have to be for an even more extraordinary woman or a very accomplished ho”

Cain effectively puts a permanent stop to one of the most unusual campaigns of recent years in American politics. The excitement that Cain brought to white conservative elements of the Republican base was startling, but his natural charisma and a gift for comic timing, could not overcome the glare off of the white asses he supposedly slapped and pinched.

Whatever the veracity of the many allegations now flung at Cain, what is certainly true is that they have contributed to his current reputation as a playa and the conservative white power structure is far more comfortable with an acknowledged lout and adulterer in Newt Gingrich.

Oh How I Hate Places With Snow!

Winter
How I hate places with snow
Of all the places there are here on Earth
To snowy places I will not go

You might like skis on your feet
You might like sleds under your seat
But I'll take some sun and a beach any day
over your shitty snow banks in which you like to play.

I hate looking at hills filled with white
If you ask me that's the sorriest of sights
Forget boots on your feet or a hat on your head... give me bikinis and some sand or I'd rather be dead.

Winter turns my smile upside down
Because whenever I see snow I just can't help but frown
The only thing worse I could see
Would be seeing snow on some clowns.
That would give me the frowniest of frowns.

It's cold in the winter air and I don't like icicles in my nose hairs.

You think it's fun skating on ice?
I don't - I think that's not that quite nice.
Now sticking my toes in some warm sand on the land
That's something of which I am the greatest of fans.

A Seedy Sesame Street?

NEW YORK CITY, NY – An unusual online partnership has created quite a buzz in the financial market earlier this week as The Sesame Street Store and Spencer’s Online reached a two-year sales agreement. 


While the financial terms of this deal were not released, a spokesperson for The Sesame Street Store went on record by saying, “We’re winning! Finally!” This “never in a million years” partnership began talking following a Katy Perry SNL skit.


In her skit, Perry is seen pushing her cleavage into the face of America while wearing a low cut Elmo shirt. Following that 2010 episode, Spencer’s stores across the country have been flooded with requests for Elmo shirts. “It took us over a year to strike a deal with Sesame Street,” said Spencer’s spokesman Edward Tubbits, “but we finally got it done and we’re ready to start pimping Sesame Street.” 


There have been plenty of public outcries since the Perry skit aired, with the most outspoken group being the “Say No to French Tickler Elmo” led by Dorothy Anson. Despite a barrage of hate mail to both companies, the partnership was forged and they are ready to move forward.


Aside from the Peek-a-Boo Elmo t-shirt that Katy Perry made famous, the two companies have plans for a Big Bird thong for men and Cookie Monster edible body paints.


Photo: Jon B.

Armed Clown Taking Vengence On Oklahoma City

"Fat Skippy" publicity photo

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - A gun-toting clown, considered “armed and dangerous,” remains on the loose after robbing a fast-food restaurant and three Circle Ks this morning. At each robbery the clown, identified as Fat Skippy, told the clerk he was taking vengeance for the horrific prejudice clowns face, particularly for the brutal assault his shins received two years ago on “Kick A Stupid Clown Day.”

Just before 7:00 a.m. Skippy displayed a handgun and demanded money from the Subway restaurant on Elick Lane, police said. Employees surrendered an undisclosed amount of cash and Skippy, along with a bicycle and cart, escaped.

At 8:20, the first Circle K was hit and Skippy made off with close to $10,000. A surveillance camera photo shows he was wearing a striped pink and white outfit with blue jacket that had “Proud Clown” lettering on the back. During the second Circle K robbery, Skippy turned to the camera and screamed “Ultionem Stultos!” which is believed to mean “Revenge of the Fools,” in Latin.

The third Circle K was robbed at 11:20 a.m. and Skippy kicked four customers in the leg as he left. Police have increased patrols and are questioning all party providers, as well as checking flop houses, balloon and seltzer shops.

If you see a clown matching Fat Skippy’s description avoid contact and call police right away.

92 Clowns Hospitalized on "Kick a Stupid Clown Day"

Periwinkle tells us it was the worst experience of
his life while waiting at the ER with other clowns.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - In what is starting to become more and more of a national tradition, November 30th is becoming known as "Kick a Stupid Clown Day."

Marge Jacobson organized the original event in 1992 where she ran around Philadelphia kicking any clown she could find. "I kicked 4 clowns all by myself that year," Jacobson tells us proudly. "It was a pretty awesome day if I do say so myself."

What you're supposed to do on Kick a Stupid Clown Day is rather simple. "You go find a clown and you kick him in the knee," Jacobson said. "Then you're supposed to run away. These days, however, some fringe elements are taking it too far."

Many would agree that things this year turned away from fun as 92 clowns across the country had to be hospitalized because they were brutally and repeatedly kicked yesterday. Marion Berry, aka "Periwinkle," of Oklahoma City, OK, was one of those brutalized in the attacks. "They ripped off my nose, they stole one of my giant floppy shoes, and they cut several locks out of my periwinkle hair," Periwinkle told us, drawing a big tear on his cheek. "I can honestly say I haven't been this upset since the day I drew the short straw in the clown bug when we were driving to Des Moines."

Vince Grainger, 17, of Tulsa, OK, was proud to tell us that he sent 3 clowns to the hospital all by himself. "Clowns are evil, evil creatures," he said. "I wish there were more days when I was allowed to kick stupid clowns. That'd be awesome!"

Jacobson admits she might have to call it quits after this year due to the attitudes of young people like Grainger. "I've never wanted to have any clowns sent to the hospital... I just wanted to cause them a little pain because of the pains they cause us every day," she said. "I might just have to change it to 'Take a Stupid Clown's Big Floppy Shoe Day,' but that won't be very much fun at all because I bet their feet smell terribly."

Grainger tells us he doesn't care what happens - he will always observe Kick a Stupid Clown Day. "I plan on training every day so I can double my output from this year," he said proudly. "When you think of clown kickers, you're going to be able to Google it and have my name be #1 in the search engine."

As for Periwinkle, he says he's going to retire. "After this experience, I'd rather do data entry at a dead end job," he said. "I'd rather die a slow, meaningless death than a fast, meaningless death."

Yes - You Can Celebrate ChristKwanKah Too!

If Mary Filmore has her way, this could be a common
sight in neighborhood windows.

BALTIMORE, MD - 7 year old Mary Filmore really likes to get presents. Lots of presents. In fact, she likes presents so much that on her birthday, she sends out 500 invitations for a birthday party. She's convinced her parents to have the Easter Bunny come on both Saturday and Sunday. But now, her quest for presents has both her and retailers drooling.

"I call it ChristKwanKah," Mary tells us with a gleam in her eyes. "It's the combination of the Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah holidays all wrapped up into one great big event!"

According to Mary, this year is the perfect year to try out the new ChristKwanKah holiday. "Hanukkah starts on December 20th and overlaps the other two holidays," Filmore explains. "So this year, we can celebrate from the 20th all the way to January 1st. Most years Hanukkah is earlier - which means more days filled with presents!"

Jerry Van Dandle of the US Chamber of Commerce thinks the idea is absolutely brilliant. "It's kind of like eating a turducken on Thanksgiving," said Van Dandle. "You get a taste of everything that makes the holiday great in one bite."

"And just think of all the added shopping days we'll need," continued Van Dandle. "We could push holiday shopping for ChristKwanKah all the way to November 1st and have two full months of holiday retail bliss!"

Duggars Say They Can’t Carry America's Future Alone

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar say they aren't able to
maintain the replacement birthrate alone.
Photo: Jim Bob Duggar

SPRINGDALE, AK – Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are crying for help, the famous couple say they cannot stop America’s birth rate decline by themselves.

“I’ve read America is now below replacement rate,” said Jim Bob. “That’s discouraging for the future, discouraging for Americas prominence in the world and economy. That’s why we need help, as active as we are we cannot produce enough children to fill that void.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced last week that the birth rate in the United States fell to its lowest level in 25 years. The total fertility rate of 1,932 births per 1,000 women was below the 2,100-birth level at which the population can be replaced, the report said.

It’s a concern said Michelle Duggar who is four months along with the couple’s 20th child. “We’ve obviously been doing all we can and Josh and Anna (the couple’s oldest son and his wife) have started adding with their second but we can’t do this alone, so come on people!”

The Duggars believe that other families can be graced by God just as they have and that this grace will propel America’s growth and renewal. “If you think about the effects of economic insecurity, the idea of bringing kids into instability may be a deterrent,” Jim Bob said. “But if you listen to God, you find ways to make do. There is no reason to delay, and frankly the future depends on it.”

“You simply cannot forgo having babies,” he added.  “That will delay the recovery of the housing slump kill consumer spending plus, well sex is enjoyable and a gift from God so why aren’t you other folks keeping up?”

Shocking Your Monkey

ERECT, NC – Becoming concerned over the amount of pills he has been taking over the past few years, a 52-year-old North Carolina man decided to take his health into his own hands today.

After researching the latest techniques on erectile dysfunction, Bill Fozdoe attempted to duplicate an Israeli medical study, but ended up in the local emergency room and is scheduled for plastic surgery next month.

“Well,” Fozdoe said, “I was tired taking those little blue pills, plus my cholesterol pills, and all the other stuff I had to take so I tried to follow the research from those Israeli docs.”

The study to which Mr. Fozdoe refers is an Israeli medical study that found erectile dysfunction patients showed growth of new blood vessels after applying shockwaves to the tissue. The shocks were small, unnoticeable, and the men didn’t complain of any pain or discomfort. Mr. Fozdoe, however, encountered excruciating pain and encountered electrical burns all over his crotch. “I think those Isreal doctors are lying to people. I burnt my jimmy to a crisp cuz of them and I’m thinking about suing them.”

When Mr. Fozdoe was asked if he knew that the Israeli medical study used ultrasound type of shockwaves, Bill replied, “What the hell you talkin’ ‘bout? You mean they didn’t use a regular car battery? I think they’re lyin’ again.”

Mr. Fozdoe’s family has set up a fund to assist them with their medical costs. Patrons can donate to:

Need a New Jimmy
RR 2 – Box 32
Erect, North Carolina 27341

Cain Denies Affair: "I Only Pork Fat White Chicks, Baby"

Cain has denied yet another extramarital affair
today. Is this the end of the 9-9-9 deal?
Photo: Gage Skidmore

Herman Cain just can't buy a great deal these days. First some ugly broads came forward and claimed they were sexually harassed by his non-pimpin' pizza greatness, then more women came forward and claimed that Cain had paid them off to keep their pie holes shut, and now a woman named Ginger White has come forward to tell the American public all about a private affair she and Cain had over a 13 year period, ending just before his bid for the 2012 White House.

Cain tells us exclusively that there is no way in hell that he stroked his large manhood inside this white chick. "It's a well known fact that black men like me are only attracted to large, portly, somewhat obese white women," said Cain. "Therefore there is no way in hell that this Ginger and I had a relationship like she describes. We're friends - that's all. That's because I only pork fat white chicks, baby... you know, before I got married."

"It is true that pork is considered the other white meat," political analyst Bart Bailey tells us. "Unfortunately, I don't think the public is going to buy this because we are talking about Herman Cain. It worked for Bill Clinton because he was white. Last time I checked, Herman Cain ain't white."

Despite the denials, Cain has told his campaign staff late this afternoon that he is reconsidering his position of pursuing the Presidency right now. "This really could be the end of the 9-9-9 deal," Bailey said. "It would be tragic, but it seems inevitable."

Speaker of the House John Boehner tells us that he's ecstatic at the prospect of Cain dropping out of the GOP bid for the White House. "It's a well known fact that Republicans spend millions of dollars on hookers every year," said Boehner. "This dude would kill off our entire budget in less than 30 days and we just can't have that. We Republicans treasure our time with our hookers."

An announcement is expected to be made within the next few days as to whether Cain will continue campaigning. In the meantime, Newt Gingrich, now considered the GOP frontrunner, was extremely grateful for all of Cain's contributions. "It takes a lot to make me look like an angel, but Herman Cain is doing an excellent job at boosting my personal metrics with the American public. The man will definitely have a place in my cabinet should I be elected."

One way or another, we will all know for sure what Herman Cain will be doing and where he stands on January 3rd when Iowa voters hit the caucuses.

News Media Convicts Florida Man As Police Start Investigation

Sanders says he has an alibi, but the media just doesn't care.

PENSACOLA, FL - Hours after hearing the call come over the police scanner, the Pensacola News Journal, quickly followed by Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC, were able to justly convict Rusty Sanders, 61, of violently assaulting his live-in girlfriend of 4 years, Maria Gonzalez.

"He's a white man. She's a Cuban who defected when her softball team made it to a championship game here in the States. How a man could hit such a worthy American, who has never had an easy life, is beyond us," the Pensacola New Journal said in its initial report condemning the so-called alleged actions of Sanders. "This many should fry for what he has done to this poor woman."

Bill O'Reilly on Fox News agreed. "Any man who thinks it's ok to hit a woman should be strung up by his neck and left to starve to death," O'Reilly said during a breaking news report. "Men like this are the incarnation of Satan on this planet and it is our duty to get rid of every single Satanic incarnation that we can find."

Never mind that Sanders has an alibi. "I was out on my boat with my mother," Sanders tells us. "I have no idea what happened to my poor Maria or why she would accuse of such things."

Pensacola police have charged Sanders with felony domestic battery thanks to the statements of his girlfriend and the media. O'Reilly calls this a victory for justice. "You've got to get scum off the streets and we've done that today," he said.

MSNBC reporter George White said in his daily column that you just can't believe what men like Sanders say. "He's white. He's got a beard. He has a girlfriend who isn't white. He's been unemployed for almost a year. He's never held a job longer than 5 years. He has taken welfare benefits in the past. I'm pretty sure he once smoked marijuana in his two semesters in college. He's obviously guilty and should spend the rest of his life in prison to spare the rest of us having to deal with his inability to contribute to society."

The initial hearing to finalize Sanders' guilt is set for December 14th.