Pummelo News Brief: 12/10/11

Some Say Building Looks Like 9/11, Others See Genital Warts

Explosions? Genital warts? You decide.
Photo courtesy of MVRDV/Facebook

Leave it to the Dutch to design one of the ugliest buildings ever conceived for construction, then defend its ridiculous design. Yet that is exactly what design firm MVRDV has done with it's new "Cloud" building design that is set for construction in Seoul, South Korea.

The twin buildings are identical towers that are connected by a "cloud" of interconnected hallways that can also be used as meeting rooms. "We were just thinking of a new way to incorporate sunlight, openness, and freedom for our buildings," MVRDV stated on its Facebook page. "We wanted an innovative, abstract design and that's exactly what we came up with."

Some critics, however, see the building as a recreation of the 9/11 tragedy. "Those bastards have to be funded with Al-Qaeda money if you ask me," said Fire Captain Lance Kendrick, who was at 9/11 and was the only survivor in his company. "To say this is a design based off of clouds is ridiculous, unless you're talking about clouds of exploding aircraft, jet fuel, and dead bodies."

"These people suck," added Kendrick emphatically. "I hope the US labels them as enemy combatants and puts them into their new preventative detention facilities."

It's Not Nazism If You're American... Is It?

Rick "Jim Dick" Perry says he's running for Fuehrer. Uh...
President. Yeah, President.
Photo courtesy of buzzfeed.com

DES MOINES, IA - Rick "Jim Dick" Perry's campaign spent the entire morning complaining to the press about how much coverage is being spent on his gaffes. However, if you are a Presidential candidate and you open your mouth and what happens come out is unintelligent stupidity, someone is going to say something.

On the same token, if you do something stupid, someone is going to take a picture of it and publish it. You should expect it... at least one would think so.

In an interview with a local Des Moines newspaper, Perry was asked who currently sat on the Supreme Court. Not only could Perry not recount a single name, he couldn't remember that there are nine justices, claiming that there were only eight. "Well, it doesn't matter the number of justices," Perry claimed afterward. "They should all be kicked out of office!"

Interesting comment. So Perry would remove one third of the checks and balances from the Federal Government? "That's what happens when one becomes Fuehrer, right?" Perry answered.

Spin it any way you like and apologize afterward, but a comment made in the heat of the moment is a general reflection of that person's thoughts, ideals, and morality. Gail Sawyer, 51, of Ankeny, is now a former Perry supporter. "I thought that man was like God," she admits, "but turns out he was more like the devil if the devil had flunked out of grade school after 2nd grade and worked in his father's lead mines for 30 years."

In fact a vast majority of Perry's supporters seem to agree with Gail as his approval rating as gone from a high of 31% of potential GOP voters to an all-time low this week of just 7%, according to the most recent Gallup polls. In a Pummelo poll regarding the Perry issue, we surveyed 1,000 potential GOP voters and received similar results, though in an interesting twist, we were able to determine that Perry could go up 10 full points if someone from his team would duct tape his mouth shut and strap him to a chair for a one week period.

Perry says he doesn't pay attention to the numbers. "I believe that I'm in this race because God wants me here," said Perry. "His will be done for the whites."

Don’t Like the Book You’re Reading? Just Pee On It!

SEWARD, NE – Police officials in this small Nebraska town are concerned over a recent spree of vandalism that started in the state’s capital, Lincoln, and has now spread into smaller, outlying communities. 

The towns of Crete, Milford, and Waverly have already been victimized and officials in Seward are attempting to be proactive and thwart any vandalism before it occurs. “Our department is already thin with state cutbacks so we’re going to start looking for volunteers,” said Seward Police Officer William Burnfor. “We’re trying to organize this just like our neighborhood watch programs. We want people in our community to be alert and to keep their eyes open for any suspicious activity.”

Officer Burnfor is talking about a recent event in a Lincoln County library where someone destroyed approximately 150 books by urinating on them. The Lincoln Journal Star initially broke the story where $3,900 in damages was caused by this vandalistic act. A spokesperson for the Lincoln County libraries believes that a person was intoxicated and found a secluded spot to relieve his or her bladder. Officer Burnfor, however, doesn’t agree with that theory.

“Someone peed on 150 books in the library and ruined them? No way. I don’t care if that person was intoxicated or not, there is no way he or she could do that much damage at once. I think there’s more than one person; I think it’s a group who is doing this.” When asked about organizing a library watch group, Burnfor reiterated the importance of getting this group in place. “Three other towns have already been hit since this started in Lincoln and I’m going to make sure none of our books gets the golden shower.”

Police Stumped After Murder/Suicide Mistaken For Horsemaning

A photo of the grisly murder scene.

MIAMI, FL - Residents are both terrified and mortified after discovering that a murder/suicide occurred on one of their famous beaches yesterday. Even more disturbing for many residents is the fact that police ignored the bodies for several hours.

"Yeah... we thought it was just a couple homeless midgets horsemaning out there," admitted Acting Chief Manuel Orosa of the City of Miami police force. "That's totally our bad."

Horsemaning is the next form of planking when it comes to social network photography. It involves two people, one appearing to be a decapitated body, with the other person pretending to be the decapitated head.

Jorge Gonzalez, 48, of Miami, tells us that there is no excuse for leaving two bodies on the beach. "One of them was fully decapitated!" exclaimed Gonzalez. "Can you imagine the amount of blood that was out there? Can you imagine the smell that was out there? My God! What is this country coming too when your very own police think that two midgets horsemaning out on the beach late at night is normal?"

Orosa, to his credit, has been extremely apologetic. "Rest assured that I will be doing everything in my power to prevent such an oversight from ever happening again." Orosa shook his head. "We treat decapitation very seriously around here, you know. There might be some weed stuffed in a head or something."

Authorities are not releasing the names of the victim or the suspect until family members are notified, though we do know that both individuals were a part of the same midget family. Autopsies are not planned due to the obvious nature of the deaths.

"It's just sad, so very sad," said Orosa. "But there's no need to lose your head over this - we'll have everything wrapped up quickly."

Man Can't Understand Why No One Will Pay Him to Look At Art

Matthew Airens contemplates a piece at Chicago's
Museum of Contemporary Art. "I'm just trying to do
my part for art," said Airens.

CHICAGO, IL - Matthew Airens has been out of work for the better part of 4 years and he is getting to be at his breaking point.

"Sure I've had some crap one-time jobs here and there that have paid me enough to survive," Airens tells us, "but that's that's really about it. Despite sending out over 10,000 applications, I haven't even had one interview."

Critics say that might be because Airens has an extremely niche job that he is pursuing. Dr. Lewis Gallagher, Executive Director of Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art, has received almost 40 applications from Airens in the past 4 years. "All the dude wants to do is come into the museum, look at art, and pose in a thoughtful manner," said Gallagher. "There is no way in hell I'm going to pay someone to do crap like that."

Airens says that him looking at art is art itself. "Everyone knows that when you see others looking at a painting, then you want to see what everyone is looking at for yourself," he said. "By looking at art in thoughtful poses throughout the building every day I am not only my own walking exhibit, but I am also attracting that much more attention to specific pieces within the museum."

"I just don't understand why no one sees this as a valuable service," added Airens, clearly frustrated. "I'm just trying to do my part for art - is it so bad that I want to get paid for my skills and talents? I'm good at what I do."

According to Dr. Gallagher, museums are just not budgeted for such a paid position. "If he wants to volunteer his services, that's fine by me," Gallagher said. "I've told him more than once that I'd waive the $12 entrance fee if he wants to come in and show us what he can do on a volunteer basis."

"Beyond that," continued Gallagher, "I know he makes the argument that what he does is art itself, but I don't see it that way. I just see a lazy art lover who still probably lives in his mom's basement reading Superman comics on the weekends and probably hasn't had a date in 5 years. I just can't justify putting someone like that on my payroll and neither can any other art museum."

Despite the criticism, Airens says he will never give up. "I'm pursuing a dream," he said. "One day I will be recognized for what I can do - until then, I just have to get plugging along until I get that one fateful chance."

Bachmann: Bananas Too Tempting For Young women

Produce opponent Michelle Bachman

ADAIR, IA – While promoting her new book on Sean Hannity’s radio show Thursday lagging Republican Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann livened up the primary race.  She stated that she felt it was dangerous for women to get too close to bananas, cucumbers, or other produce, and stated she did not let her daughters shop for or prepare the produce to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

Bachmann said that if young or single women wanted to eat these foods, a third party -- preferably a male related to them, such as their father or husband -- should cut the items into small pieces before serving.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to Bachmann’s list of forbidden foods after Hannity mentioned them.

News of the statement quickly spread online, leaving many Republic women embarrassed and angry, and evoking a flurry of mockery online.

Hannity also apparently embraced the antiquated notions of sexuality and gender relations by agreeing he could see where the temptation might come from, especially if his 13 year old son was an indication of how teenagers were controlled by hormones. “Zealots make very poor presidential candidates,” responded First Lady Michelle Obama when asked about Bachmann’s statement at dinner for her Joining Forces campaign. “Repressed people have the subtlest ways of revealing their innermost desires,” Obama added before being escorted away by Secret Service.


Comedian and Daily Show host John Stewart added to the discussion when he tweeted “So if women should stay away from bananas, should men stay away from cantaloupes?”

Perry Affirms He Is The Candidate For Idiots and Bigots

Image from in-this-economy.com

ANKENY, IA –Texas Governor Rick “Jim Dick” Perry is taking a new strategy with his campaign ads, one observers are not certain will help.

“He seems to be taking the position as a strident praying vaginal penetrator, who wants to protect the stupid” said Pollster Mark Getty of Zogby International. “Why else would he be walking in the woods rambling about gays and God?”

Getty is referring to a new ad that was made for the caucus voters in Iowa framing Jim Dick as the champion of persecuted Christians and heterosexuals, the salt of the earth, and the morons. In the ad, Jim Dick talks about being a good Christian who never goes to church and is concerned about homosexuals in the military and children being allowed to pray to Santa Claus.

Perry has since added that he feels that advocating for basic human rights is not in the United States’ best interests. “This is just the most recent example of an administration at war with people of faith in this country," said Perry. "Investing tax dollars promoting a lifestyle many Americas of faith find so deeply objectionable is wrong. President Obama has again mistaken America’s tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles,” Perry said in a statement written for him in regards to President Obama’s effort to use U.S. foreign aid to promote rights for gays and lesbians abroad on Tuesday.

Jim Dick went on to explain that people find the idea objectionable because they haven’t actually read their Bibles and confuse the teaching of insecure men from the pulpit as Biblical injunction. “I am a man of faith I am not ashamed of that," said Perry, "but I also admit that I need people to help me understand it. I mean have you seen that book? It’s like 700, 1,300 pages and full of words I’ve never heard like abomination and womankind what the heck does that mean."

And then Perry flashes that smile of his. “Basically the average American, wants someone to protect their ignorance and prejudice and their right to talk in a impulsive and stupid way about things they don’t know anything about, that’s what I am reaffirming my campaign as.”

New Study Shows 10% of Men Sexually Attracted to Optimus Prime

BAKERSFIELD, CA - A new study that traces the things that men are attracted to throughout society has come up with some very surprising results, as announced today by the Bakersfield Research & Testing Centers, or BRTC.

"We have all known that some men are attracted to machines and robots in a sexual manner," said Dr. Connie Francis, the Executive Director of BRTC. "What surprised us, however, was that there was a significant portion of men, both gay and straight, in our study who were sexually attracted to male fictional robots."

The study, which followed 30,000 men aged 18-45 at the beginning of the study for 10 years, kept track of everything that gave these men patterns of arousal outside of their usual stimuli. For instance, a man who generally is attracted to other men would have an arousal pattern that was tracked if he found that he was getting solid wood for, say, Jessica Rabbit.

However, the most significant find was that 10% of those surveyed were significantly attracted to one specific character - Optimus Prime. "We're not quite sure what it is about Optimus Prime that causes so many men in our population to be aroused," admitted Francis, "though if I had to take an educated guess, I'd have to say it would be a combination of his power, speed, and ability to handle a long sword."

We spoke to several men who admitted that they too were sexually attracted to Optimus Prime. For Lyle Coventry, 28, of Pasadena, the attraction to Optimus Prime is purely physical. "All I can imagine doing every day is running my hands down that large metal body of his, maybe spinning his wheels a little, and then lubricating the barrels of his large weapons," said Coventry. "That'd be hot."

McDonald’s Meat Controversy

For $20, you too can help promote Ronald at T-Shirt Hell.

OAK BROOK, IL – For the first time since 2003, the McDonald’s Corporation is facing a drastic decline in revenue sales following a controversial ad campaign by its famous spokesperson.

Ronald McDonald has been the famous hamburger chain’s spokesperson since his first television appearance in 1963, but a new ad campaign is giving Ronald much less publicity and has forced the clown to look for additional work. “He’s got to make a living like everyone else,” Margo Thuel, a spokesperson for Ronald McDonald’s publicist said. “They didn’t give him any warning, they just said we’re cutting your exposure way back and going in a new direction. Ronald had no choice and when the clothing opportunity came up, well, he took it.”

The campaign that Thuel is referring to, and the one that is causing the drastic drop in revenue sales, is the controversial underwear ad promoted by T-Shirt Hell, which shows Ronald McDonald posing in a bright yellow thong. Anti-pornography groups have come to the forefront of boycotting McDonald’s since Ronald’s banana hammock advertisement was released. “I don’t need to see that and I don’t need my kids to see that. If I wanted that kind of meat flaunted in my face, I’d go to Wienerschnitzel,” said one angry protestor.

Despite the protests, Ronald McDonald continues to remain on the corporation’s payroll and he will continue to work a second job as long as necessary. “In my opinion,” Thuel says, “the company got what they deserved. You treat Ronald like a piece of meat and he has no choice but to act like a piece of meat.”

 A spokesperson for the McDonald’s Corporation declined comment for this story.

Senator Lindsey Graham Believes Martians Pose Threat To America

Defeating the Martian Al-Qaeda could be the
next step to winning the war on terror.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sand is being moved on the surface of Mars, at least in some places, and this is causing concern for outspoken Senator Lindsey Graham, Republican of South Carolina.

“I’ve seen the NASA video and photos,” said Graham. “I have to say I am incredibly concerned that America’s enemies are using the knowledge they have gained on Earth in their desert outposts to begin building fortresses and bases for attack.”

NASA released images documenting dozens of spots on the red planet where sand dunes shifted several yards. Scientists have suspected this was occurring but thought it was limited to a few locations. The latest images were taken by the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, which has been photographing the Martian surface since 2005.

Although scientist believe there are no human beings, or even intelligent life on Mars Graham says the United States cannot take that chance. “Scientists say dust is constantly being blown around on Mars,” Graham said. “But science is constantly wrong, look at their thoughts on Global Warming and evolution, both questionable, also I know from our beaches in South Carolina that sand grains are tough to move with just wind, something or someone is creating those dunes.”

Graham says he will sponsor a bill during the new 2012 session to fund a military expedition to Mars to settle the issue.

Waffle Maker Accident Creates Massive Gridlock

Philadelphia traffic is still in gridlock thanks to today's
waffle maker mishap.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - A terrible, terrible accident on the roads of Philadelphia has authorities scratching their heads, wringing their hands, and wondering what to do with a bunch of leftover batter.

At approximately 8:30 this morning local time, unemployed line cook Mike Taylor was practicing his ability to make waffles efficiently. "I had a job interview at IHOP, my first interview in almost 4 months, and I wanted to make sure I was prepared," said Taylor.

To that end, Taylor created 100 full boxes of pancake/waffle batter to cook on his newly purchased waffle machine. "Anyone can make a Belgian waffle thanks to all those continental breakfast machines installed at hotels now," Taylor said. "Not everyone can make those tiny grid pattern waffles."

Unfortunately Taylor had a moderate case of diarrhea, so before he could complete his first waffle, he had to go make a toilet deposit. "My asshole was burning terribly while I peed out my butt," admits Taylor. "I had to decide whether to let my waffle burn or let my asshole burn even longer. I decided to put the fire in my asshole out." Taylor shook his head. "If I could change things now, though, I would."

The waffle apparently caught on fire. Captain Joe Miller of Philadelphia's 11th Fire District tells us that what happened next was probably a 1 in a million happenstance. "After that waffle caught on fire, a slight breeze through an open window caused burning waffle embers to drift four houses down from Taylor's, and that house happened to have a gas leak."

Miller shook his head. "Next thing you know, I've got exploding houses everywhere. I think the latest count was at 32. I don't know who to blame - the gas company, the wind, or the idiot waffle maker. "

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year When Elves Are Arrested

Sheriff's mug shot of Christmas Elf Andrew Williams

CHRISTMAS, FL - It's the most wonderful time of the year when everyone is of good cheer, and over worked and over stressed elves begin filling police blotters. Yesterday Orange County Deputies found a jingle-belled fellow passed out in a Ford Taurus. It was parked on the street just past a McDonalds where he had previously visited.

According to reports it took some time to wake Andrew Williams, who was accused of battering a McDonald's employee earlier that night. After a eggnog latte to the face, Williams woke.

"I hit her in the ... head with a bag of food, so what?" said Williams, 30, during his ride to jail, according to the deputy’s report. Allegedly Williams drove through a McDonald's drive-thru just after midnight Monday. He took his order, drove away and then came back and said he had been shorted a peppermint shake. The cashier then said it was not actually available. This enraged Williams, who was heavily intoxicated, deputies said.

Screaming about horrible children and filthy riendeer, Williams squeezed his small frame through the drive-thru window and attacked the employee, a report states. The 22-year-old woman ran, so Williams threw a bag of his food and hit her in the head. Other workers intervened, so climbed back out the window and drove off, the report states.

"I deserve to go to jail," said Rogers, who was charged with simple battery. "I’m always on the fat man’s naughty list anyway."

Williams is being held on $2,000 bail.