If Luke Wrote the Story About the Birth of Jesus Today

And in these modern days, President Obama called for everyone to be taxed a little bit more to pay off the $15 trillion in national debt, so everyone was required to go to their local government offices in their state capitols to file paperwork in triplicate.

So Joseph went down to Olympia from Seattle because for some reason Seattle isn't the capital of Washington because that's what he was told to do. After all, Joseph didn't want black government helicopters circling his home for failing to register for the additional taxes. He went there with Mary, with whom he was cohabitating, and they were expecting their first child. While in Olympia, she went into early labor which freaked out all the doctors because she hadn't filed a birthing plan or attending any birthing classes in her hometown, but she was still able to give birth to her firstborn, a son. They wrapped him in a blanket and set him in the NICU incubator because he was born a little too early for the attending doctor's comfort, despite the fact that they couldn't afford decent health insurance.

Nearby some farmers were feeding their sheep out in the fields before the Seahawks game came on. Their iPhones rang and an angel appeared to them. Speaking through Siri, the glory of the Lord was communicated to them through their technology. Because they thought their phones might be malfunctioning, they became very afraid that they would have to speak to Verizon, who has crappy customer service, but the angel spoke through Siri saying "Do not be afraid! I bring you this 2 minute news update that should please you! For unto all humanity is born in Olympia a Savior - He is Messiah - Christ the Lord! This shall be a sign to you - you shall find him at the hospital, in a NICU incubator, despite the fact the family has crappy health insurance."

Then suddenly iTunes booted up on their iPhones and a beautiful chorus of voices rang out praising God and saying: "Glory to God in the Highest! And on Earth, peace to those whom His favor rests."

When their iPhones turned off, the farmers texted each other and said "Let's go to Olympia & c this baby that we just hrd abt."

So they unhooked their boats from their trucks and drove off to Olympia despite the fact that gas prices are still ridiculously high. Sure enough, they found the NICU ward and saw the baby Jesus just as it had been communicated to them, so they all updated their statuses on Facebook and tweeted about what they saw. Some even blogged about it and submitted their blogs to StumbleUpon and even Reddit. All who heard, read, and saw the information were amazed by it, but many simply thought it was another hoax and didn't believe. They even thought the photos that were posted online were photoshopped. Still Mary saw everything that happened in her hospital room because she was watching CNN and treasured these things in her heart.

The farmers returned home, turned on the football game, and decided to wait until Sunday to praise God about what they had seen and heard.

Rick Santorum Promotes Racism Against Dogs

Rick Santorum's new Pop Up political ad, which debuted on YouTube 12/22/11 has dog supporters in a rage as he clearly shows that he was willing to train his children at home, but not his dog. "Rick Santorum is clearly a racist," said PETA activist Shirley Acorn. "He'll be President over my dead body." Still taken from Rick Santorum's YouTube Page here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvvgNdY28-c&feature=youtu.be

TV Star Fired After Birthday Celebration

“I just can’t believe it. After 46 years, he’s gone in a blink of an eye. I don’t know all of the circumstances but it takes a pretty damn, cold heart to fire someone after 46 years of loyal service.” Those were the words of Zack Herson, a loyal customer of Gold Slipper Supper Club in Dunlap, Iowa, and Mr. Herson isn’t the only person upset. “Everyone makes mistakes and in this case, well, I think something could have been worked out.” Herson is talking about the firing Ray Nauroth, a reliable and dependable employer of the Gold Slipper Supper Club for 46 years.

A day after celebrating his 100^th birthday on NBC’s Today Show this week, Mr. Nauroth was fired by the management of the Supper Club for “Failure to Attend to His Duties.” According to sources, Ray Nauroth was fired for sleeping on the job while patrons pillaged the alcohol behind the bar. Apparently, for the past year, Nauroth would fall asleep at work around his usual time of 9 pm and some of the regular patrons would help themselves to refills behind the bar without marking it on their tabs.

Club Management began to suspect that something was amiss when liquor supplies and income wasn’t matching up. “They decided to install a hidden video camera,” said one Supper Club staff member, “and that’s when the caught the people taking the liquor while the Old Fart slept on the job.”

The Gold Slipper Supper Club subsequently filed charges against the patrons who stole the liquor and dismissed Nauroth despite local protests. “He’s Friggin’ 100 years old,” said Zack Herson, “He’s entitled to take a damn nap if he wants.” Neither Ray Nauroth nor the Gold Slipper Supper Club were available for comment.

Louis Vuitton Sues Hangover Part II For Being a Terrible Movie

LV wants nothing to do with H2. Can you really blame them?

NEW YORK, NY - Warner Bros., the studio behind the movie Hangover Part II, is facing another legal obstacle today as the Louis Vuitton fashion house has filed suit against the production company for using their name in a movie that completely sucked monkey testicles.

"We simply could not let Warner Bros. get away with such a blatant use of our name in a completely crappy movie," the executives of the French brand stated in their filing papers. "It'd be one thing if the movie was funny and actually made some profits - then we could discuss a sponsorship deal. After seeing the movie, however, LV has no desire to be affiliated in any means with this cinematic travesty."

Though Warner Bros. had no official comment, an anonymous source close to the story told us that the production company felt that way as well. "Hangover II was lacking class and so we utilized LV's name in it to try to up the production value," said the source. "However, when you multiply zero, you still get zero every time."

LV is seeking an injunction against Warner Bros. from making the Hangover series a trilogy. "Only great movies should be trilogies," the LV executives stated. "Not movies that give dumpsters class."

A hearing on this case is expected sometime early in 2012 in Federal Court.

Daring Predictions For 2012

Every year the Pummelo takes a short trip around the country and has a Tarot reading, a reading of the Runes, Tea Leaves, I Ching and a few other things just so we can plan out the year editorially. Our feeling is if we can write up stories in few months in advance then, hey more free time. Now 2011 was a pretty historic year all things considered, but what does 2012 hold, before the end of everything on Dec. 21st?

Aunt Agatha Crowley of Salem, MA looked into her crystal ball for us and predicted:  


- In February there will be a magnetic pole shift and the south will be north and the north will be south and the Lincoln Memorial will spontaneously become the Jefferson Davis Memorial.
- There will be a rampage by hoards of Billionaire admirers in Washington D. C. in January, this will be in response to the Occupy movement but with much greater success since 535 members of the hoard craft American law. This will lead to outrage but turn to apathy by the November election when people vote for the liars they know.

Lowe's Says "American Ninja" Cannot Be Seen; Pulls Ads

Apparently title is only part of show witnesses have seen

NEW YORK, NY - Do It Yourself supply giant Lowe’s finds itself in hot water again for redirecting their advertising dollars for the 2012, the retailer has pulled advertising from Discovery Communications-owned History Channel reality show American Ninja.

A Lowe's representative stated: "While we continue to advertise on various cable networks, including History, there are certain programs that do not meet Lowe's advertising guidelines, primarily we do not see the benefit of advertising on a show that no one can see, or is aware of until it is too late.”

While Discovery Communication representatives insist the show does exist, they have been unable to show any video tape proving it, they say is the blank tape is being narrated and this proves it exists. 

"We acknowledge that because the topic of the show is a master of stealth and secrecy it doesn’t actually appear but regardless we think it is important to show this part of the diverse American culture,” said Producer Peter Dowlings. “It is never our intent to alienate anyone. Lowe’s apparently doesn’t see the value in advertising on our networks and in investigating diversity."

A Lowe's spokeswoman told The Pummelo: "The program raised concerns, why would views want to attempt to watch something that cannot be seen? We based our decision to pull the advertising after hearing the concerns we received through emails, calls, through social media and in news reports."

The League of Assassins expressed outrage at Lowe's decision. “They are now showing a pattern of not supporting alternative beliefs, the diversity of culture and this action is wrong and if we get paid there will be retribution,” said League Legal representative Donald Schwimer.

It's Hard To Keep Up Hope When Things Are In the Shitter

If the President guest blogged.
Photo by Ari Levinson

A guest blog from our President, Barack Obama. Ok not really, but this is what he'd say if he did guest blog for us.


I know I ran on a platform of hope, a platform that we could change America for the better, and as we approach 2012 and the changes that year might bring our nation, I like to think that we were able to accomplish some things.

However, I do realize it is hard to keep up hope when things keep going into the shitter. Sure I managed to kill Osama bin Laden, I was able to assist Libya in getting out from underneath a dictator, and I figured out how to spend close to $16 trillion without many people realizing it, but I did these things in the name of progress. In the name of providing a better tomorrow for our American children.

I did it to provide at least a measure of hope.

I know that maybe you can't understand that now, but maybe you will 10 years from now. It might even take 20 years or 40 years, who knows, but one day history will remember me as the greatest President who ever lived. Why? Because I will be remembered as the President who didn't sit on the sidelines. I will be remembered as the President who seized the day, wouldn't take no for an answer, and was able to finally end the preemptive war that was started in Iraq so long ago, looking for weapons of mass destruction that probably didn't exist, in order to have the justification to remove a dictator that we ourselves put into power.

And sure, things might seem like they're in the shitter now, but imagine what life would be like if I hadn't done all those things. We'd be like Greece or Italy, teetering on the edge of default, if I hadn't saved us and pulled us back from the brink. Sure we lost a point on our credit rating, but so what? You've still got food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes to wear. If you don't, well, you shouldn't have voted Republican, right? Right.

Four more years of an Obama Administration means four more years of getting this country set back in the right direction. We'll end the war in Afghanistan. We'll figure out a way of stabilizing the economic growth and reinstate that hope you might feel got flushed. And sure, you might have a difficult time believing me, but don't be stupid and think this stuff is my fault. Look at who was in office before me if you want to assign blame.

I hope you'll vote Obama in 2012. If not, just remember that there are those preventative detention centers starting to spring up around the country. Keep that in mind when you vote this November.

The Speaker Of The Grouse: Support The War On Christmas

Merry Mall Honorarium Season!  Wait maybe that’s too cynical, aw screw it. Happy Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanza! Happy Three Kings Day! Happy Santa Lucia Day! Merry New Year! Yay for pointless philosophies!

Just a reminder, I’m not a happy guy - I’m belligerent and nasty. The greatest man I never met George Carlin described me once this way: “I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay? And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.” So let’s do some sorting shall we?

I got told “Happy Holidays” yesterday at Circle K. Now according to my Facebook fuckleberries (friends) I should have gone absolutely camelshit violent and beat the 19 year old clerk into the ground, because apparently the worst crime a person can do this time of year is say something bland and non-threatening, potentially tolerant and respectful as opposed to MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS! BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU’RE MANIFESTING EVIL ALLAH! 

So Herman Cain had to drop out because he liked banging chicks, then Newt (An aside think about it just the words President Newt Gingrich, not much better than Cletus or Jethro is it, now imagine who you think of when you hear those names) took the lead because apparently its ok to bang chicks as long as you marry them after. I wish I could live one day as irrational as that.

Speaking of irrational, Tebowmania took a much needed hit last week, or not because ESPN continued to stick singles into his jock. Now I have two points to make.

1.      The millions watching saw that Tom Brady goes and sits down with a book of photos, looking to see what the defense is doing, HE WAS STUDYING THE GAME HE WAS PLAYING AND BREAKING IT DOWN! Tim Tebow was sitting on the bench by himself singing “Awesome God” off key. Now I am not a Denver Bronco, and I HATE TOM BRADY, HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL TO BE WHO HE IS! I stupidly root for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Anyway back to my point. WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A PLAYER? A GUY WHO TAKES HIS JOB SERIOUSLY OR A GUY WHO WANTS TO BE TOBY MAC?

2.      A Denver Post guest editorial said Tebow was a Brave Christian because he gave testimony all the time. You know what? That’s not brave, it takes no courage to say “I thank Jesus” in America. Now if you go to China, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Burma and go around teaching about Jesus that takes courage, if you go face down pirates and smugglers in Africa to feed the hungry that takes courage. COURAGE IS FUCKING AWESOME! TALKING ABOUT JESUS ON AMERICAN TELEVISION ISN'T BRAVE, WE HAVE ENTIRE NETWORKS DEDICATED TO IT!

So as I started off its that wonderful time of year when we are told again, and again, and again that we are valuable to those around us because we give them expensive stuff ISN’T IT FUCKING GREAT! “OH BABY I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE BECAUSE YOU WENT TO JARED’S MY LOVE WILL NEVER DIE AS LONG AS YOU DO THIS EVERY YEAR!!!!!” Have you ever seen one of those stupid signs that say “Remember the Reason for the Season” Yeah remember the reason is to give our consumer driven society a little economic bump that will never trickle down to anyone!

IF YOU DON’T REALIZE IT I FULLY SUPPORT THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!

However, my little girl gave me a snowflake she made, so for this one small moment I’m happy, I hope you can have one of those moments with your loved ones in the next week, I'm out to build a snowman with her.

Remember the Six Nippled People This Holiday Season

Barkay & his partner Jean-Pierre pose for
The Pummelo on Dec. 9 in Paris.

PARIS, FRANCE - Francois Barkay says that the holiday season is probably the most difficult for him and his partner Jean-Pierre.

"People always tend to give us a wide birth," Barkay said, "but around the holidays it is much more profound. You'd think we were lepers or something."

Barkay is not a leper - however, he is a mutant. Both he and his partner Jean-Pierre have a rare form of the mutant gene dubbed Italianodwarfosexnipplitiso, which causes impaired height, multiple nipples [usually six], and large, elongated noses. This mutation has a 1 in 1 billion chance of occurring. In fact, there are currently only 9 living people with this mutation.

Barkay says the worst part about this mutation is the inability to wear clothing. "Our skin is so sensitive to anything touching it," he told us. "That makes sex incredibly awesome, but it makes the rest of life be rather embarrassing and awkward. People are taken aback and avoid us because they see my six nipples."

Needless to say, getting a job is difficult. "We pretty much end up working as freaks in a circus or begging for money on the street by singing, dancing, or even performing as mimes," said Barkay. "We do whatever we can to survive."

This Christmas, Barkay and his partner have asked if the non-mutated masses would be willing to donate just 1 euro to help them get off the street permanently. "If we could live in a home and have a computer, we could become much more productive members of society," said Barkay. "We could live normal lives instead of being known for our freakishness. That's all we really want."

Barkay says that other gifts besides money are also always welcomed, except fruitcake or pie filling. "People like to give us the things that they hate, and to be honest, we're tired of eating cherry pie filling," he said. "You don't have to spend much to get us chicken broth and rice, you know. We'd be happy with that too."

An account has been set up in Francois and Jean-Pierre's name at the Citizens Bank of Paris if people are willing to make a donation. "Help out the six nippled people this holiday season," Barkay pleaded in closing, "we may not look like it, but we're human too."

Your Daily Horrorscope

Horrorscope For 12/21/11:

If today is your birthday: Your taunting has finally brought the evil child to the breaking point.

Aries: You’re in the family way, I guess the family curse isn't going to end with you after all.

Taurus: When they find you months from now, you will still be pointing at the onrushing avalanche.

Gemini: Okay, I guess you're old enough to know who your real father is, a failed TV anchorman named Ron Burgundy.

Cancer: Eenie, meanie, minie, moe. Death says you have got to go.

Leo: You'll NEVER work off that excess butt fat.

Virgo:  After today you will be forever remembered as the genius behind "The Failed Bowling Alley Heist"

Libra: Look, the stars appreciate the effort and all...But they were just kidding with “Bring me the head of Regis Philbin!”

Scorpio: Well the good news is you had the rescue team laughing for hours

Sagittarius: It's an unfortunate accident of history that the alien probe's first contact with the human race is you.

Capricorn: OK, well, as much as I'm disgusted by this, a twenty-foot shot from one plug of Copenhagen will win you $5.00 from the janitor.

Aquarius: Multiple partners, urine, public nudity, and necrophilia...just the same old same old...you have the blandest sign ever!

Pisces: Yes, you finally have a date tonight, with a man who sings from memory the songs of his hero, Yoko Ono.

Pummelo Sportsbook: Week 1

Today’s Online Sportsbook is sponsored by Southside Lou: The ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.


Cheese Chasing - Cheese chasing is an event whereby members of the English village Brockworth in Gloucestershire, send a large-sized cheese down a steep hill whereupon all the cheese contestants chase after it before it falls flat and becomes out of play. League play begins December 26.


Week 1 odds for highest number of cheese captures:

Gruber – 3/1 (Returns after finishing second last season. Spent the off season running hills.)
Eder – 3/1 (Finished first last year in points, Gruber’s top competition. Needs to stay focused.)
Lechner – 5/1 (Hopes to avoid ankle problems this season)
Goossens – 8/1 (New comer from Belgium with long legs. Could be this year’s dark horse)
Hristov – 10/1 (Returns after missing last season due to alcoholic rehab)
Poulsen – 12/1 (Second year competing. Running technique is still an issue)
O’Brien – 15/1 (Rookie year)
Lynch – 30/1 (Physical fitness is an issue)
Smith – 50/1 (Rookie year)
Clarke – 100/1 (Unsure how he’s going to compete without his wheelchair)

Pummelo News Brief: 12/19/11

Snow Storm Intends To Eliminate the Ugliness of the US Southwest

Don't worry - God only wants a break from seeing the area's
ugliness - it's not scheduled to be permanent.

SANTA FE, NM - Even though it rains, sleets, and snows on the righteous as well as the unrighteous, God has decided that He has had enough of the Southwest portion of the United States for awhile.

"It's just ugly," God commented. "What man has done to my creation some days almost brings tears to my eyes. Now I've decided to do something about it."

And in this instance, God has decided to bring up to 16 inches of snow, if not more, to cover up the fugly landscape. "In my eyes, there is nothing more appealing than being covered in white," God said. "It represents forgiveness - so in a sense, you could say that I'm forgiving man for what he's done to my creation. In another sense, you could just say I'm tired of looking at it."

Officials in various communities are congregating together to form emergency plans. John Dunbar of Durango, CO, tells us that he's not too worried about things. "I've got lots of beef jerky, canned applesauce, a whole room full of stored water, and three shotguns," he told us. "I can take on whatever God can throw at me for at least three years."

Blizzard whiteout conditions are expected over several states as the storm sets in and temperatures are expected to get dangerously cold in some areas. People are advised to stay off the roads so that the stupid people can kill themselves off and improve American society. "Sometimes I call my people home," said God with a chuckle, "and sometimes they just do it to themselves."

The storm is expected to leave white on the ground for the remainder of the winter season. "And that's just the way I like it," said God. "It's pretty to look at and people can ski on it. What more do you want?"

Record Coal Order Indicates We Were Naughty

200 tons of coal could fill a lot of stockings

BECKLEY, WV – As an indication of what type of year it has been and what man individuals can expect Christmas morning Coal River Energy, LLC, Jim Bunn II announced today that his company, and virtually all mining companies in West Virginia have received a record order from the Kris Kringle North Pole Partnership.

“This is a wonderful gift to the hard working miners and firms of West Virginia,” said Bunn, who also serves on the board of directors for the West Virginia Coal Association. “I cannot express our appreciation enough for this order and how it will provide a little extra for all of us in the state this Christmas.”

Bunn reported that Kringle ordered 200 tons of coal this year, which will be broken into millions of four ounce pieces by Thursday. The order surpasses previous record of 135 tons set in 1973 during the Watergate scandal and appears to show what the revered Christmas saint thinks of current affairs.

“Due to our contract I can’t expressly say what the coal will definitively be used for but considering the exactness of sizing the delivery I think we can all guess,” said Bunn

Kringle spokeself Tremalane was also vague but did speculate that there was a high degree of naughtiness in the world.

“The balance on the ledger of deliveries this year seems to be weighing quite heavily toward the naughty,” said Tremalane. “However I must stress that we give an enormous amount of electronics and only Mr. Kringle knows exactly who is on each list.”

Americans Mostly Concerned Over First World Problems

Mark Kniess has autocorrect issues

UTICA, NY – A new poll by Zogby International shows the First world Problems occupy American concerns far more than problems in the rest of the world. “Our polling shows that the average American whether employed or not, married or single, young or old are simple concerned with what others might see as petty little nuisances,” said Kaitlyn Frost who conducted the poll. “Auto-correct on their phones, having to hear Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup”, not having friends send them stuff in Farmville are the issues that preoccupy American’s daily lives.”

Comments taken along with basic data show how American’s are distracted.

“I am upset, saddened that I have to wait a year to see the conclusion to Breaking Dawn,” said Anne Macallister, 31 of Beaumont, TX.  “They filmed them at the same time making fans wait is a crime, seriously the producers need to be fined or jailed.”

Mark Kniess of Denver is irritated his iPhone keeps correcting his typing and is incensed that he has to turn auto-correct off. “A problem, damn right it’s a problem, I conduct business with this phone, and professional things like setting reservations and sending out assignments to students so I can’t shut it off, but then I can’t post as easily on Twitter or Facebook, IT PISSES ME OFF! Things shouldn’t be so F*cking inconvenient!”

Other problems listed were the price of 3000 count thread sheets, lack of martini bars, Red Zone channel being an additional cost to basic satellite programing.

The survey also asked what individuals thought about the continuing war in Afghanistan, the famine in East Africa, The European debt problem and America’s own slide to Banana Republic status.  The poll showed  that about a third of respondents had some knowledge of those crisis and over half of them didn’t care.

“It is interesting,” said Frost. “They seem to get their news from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on Comedy Central or from Fox News, while I’m not judging whether this is good or bad it clearly effects how people think.”

“This is the greatest country in the world,” said respondent Brian Grieves of Omaha, Nebraska, we feed the world and move millions of tons of goods a year, we freed Iraq and Libya, I should be able to get the same Frickng Cinnamon Dolce Latte at any Starbucks, or at different times a day, who the hell trains these barista’s any way, way to freaking ruin my day bitches!”

Frost said that she feels good with the poll results, and what it shows about America.

“I guess I’m a little relieved to see that we are still the same self-interested, narcissistic, A-holes we’ve been for the last 30 years, helps me make sense of the world during these times of madness.