Dreaded Penguin Flu Could Kill Millions

TIERRA DEL FUEGO - Scientists are fearing that a new strain of avian flu, this time coming from penguins, could end up killing millions of innocent people in the next year.

"There's no way we could develop a vaccine against this flu strain before it started infecting the masses," said Dr. Morton Boswell, the lead scientist on the U.S. Antarctic Expedition and the man who is credited with discovering this new mutant strain.

"Even though we've only detected the disease in penguins around Tierra del Fuego, there's a huge concern that it could mutate out rapidly and be the next flu epidemic."

Reportedly this strain of avian flu is quite strong and deadly, reportedly able to kill a penguin in less than 24 hours. "We think it has something to do with the fact that this virus simply hates larger forms of life," said Boswell. "If our theory is correct, if this virus is able to mutate into the human population, then I'd say we're all pretty much boned."

This virus kills by its ability to reproduce quickly by feeding off of lung tissue. "It literally eats the lungs of penguins as it mates," said Boswell, "and these buggers get super freaky almost constantly. I'd hate to see what would happen if it managed to mutate into a form that could infect rabbits."

Boswell recommends that people stay as far away as they possibly can from all penguins. "I know they're cute and lovable, but a few moments of pleasure could mean you later experience the worst day of your life and then you die," said Boswell. "You don't want that."

Thousands Now on Zoloft Following New Loser Research

MADISON, WI - Marcus Bades thinks his new medication is starting to work and hopes he can feel like himself soon. With exception of some antibiotics, Marcus has never been on prescription medication and hopes that his new prescription, Zoloft, will be a short-term. 

“I was surprised when my doctor told me that I showed many signs of depression,” Bades said, “I’ve always been pretty laid back and happy. I didn’t have lots of friends but I usually made a few by making them laugh.”

Marcus, however, had the misfortune of reading an article posted in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology while sitting in a doctor’s office with his stepmother. The article stated that embarrassing behavior might reveal a person's social tendencies, meaning his or her ability to be generous, trustworthy, giving, and caring toward other people. It continues to say that embarrassment serves as a form of social apology and a fence-mending gesture.

Bades, unfortunately, took this research quite seriously and thought it would be the best way to make new friends. “Yeah, I like to be funny and I thought people would like me if I acted the fool."

Bades started off doing the minor things like pretending to trip and fall, bumping into things, spilling a drink down his shirt, and pretending to sleep and snore in class. “Everything was pretty funny at first and I was making some new friends but those people started to eventually drift away so I had to pick up my game.”

With the small embarrassing acts no longer working, Marcus added more fuel to the fire by pretending to fart, purposely leaving his fly down when leaving the restroom, and by leaving some of his lunch on his clothes. Those acts, however, backfired and Marcus was sent into an emotional tailspin. His stepmother, also a Zoloft tenant, was the first person to notice that he was showing signs of depression. “No matter what I did, I couldn’t make new friends and soon everyone was calling me Freak, Weirdo, and Loser. It looks like I’m back to square one with trying to make new friends."

The Pummelo has learned that since the JPSP posted its findings about embarrassing behavior, thousands of people soon started acting like idiots to become socially accepted but were quickly thrown into an emotional free fall, like Marcus Bades, and are now on antidepressant medications. A representative for the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology declined to comment on this story.

Missouri Orders End To White Trash-American Studies Class

HARTVILLE, MO - An Missouri judge has ruled that the public school district in Wright County must end its acclaimed Hillbilly/Redneck-American studies program for grades K-12, saying it violates a new state law that bans the teaching of any class designed for a particular ethnic group or that "promote[s] resentment toward a race or class of people."

But the program’s supporters say the classes push the district’s largely white and rural student body to excel academically while teaching them long-neglected perspectives.

Dr. Clem Roscoe, author of "Deep In The Hollar: A History of White Folks," considered the definitive introduction to common white history in the United States. Dr. Roscoe warns copycat laws are likely to follow in other states as part of a growing campaign against ethnic studies programs, in particular white studies, throughout the country

“The situation is desperate,” said Roscoe. “The ideas and story of Manifest Destiny are being too easily challenged, the ideas of White American exceptionalism are being rewritten to accommodate them other people, minorities. I believe the reverse-racism in this saga can make you sick.”

The circuit court ruling is not the end as another case is being heard in federal court.

Hillbilly-American history teacher Pearly Luke and his daughter, Dolly, a high school sophomore,  are plaintiffs in the federal lawsuit to stop the ban from taking effect.  They say they are defending principals of culture and trying to improve rural youth opportunity.

“There is an epidemic of dropouts, abysmal rates for white rural children,” said Luke. “Politically correct American History does not appeal to anyone. I remember memorizing the dates and battles of the Civil War, it was branded on our souls, it needs to remain that way.”

“American history is mostly the history of Anglo-Americans,” said Dolly Luke. “Why does anyone want to teach the opposite, it’s claptrap.”

The federal court will hear the motion for the Luke’s preliminary injunction the third week in January.

Resolution 2012: How Some People Plan To Change

EVERYWHERE – Is there anything more satisfying then making resolutions? Well it’s that time of year again so the Pummelo took to the streets to find out what our readers, the common clay, the man on the street is resolving for 2012.

• Justin Carnahan of Missoula Montana has some big plans, “I’m going to learn how to use the yo-yo with my left and right hand this year, I’ve been promising myself that for 13 years, and this is the year I’m getting it done.”
• Lisa Crosby in Chicago is looking to a more abundant future. “I found some documentation that proves Barrack bought his birth certificate from Fat Joey Rozzuli so I’m resolving to get him reelected so I can sell Fat Joey to the highest bidder, Come on Barry and Fox News!”
• Ed Farley has two major changes he plans to make, “Number one I’m going to begin right on the first to shine my lucky nickel every day, it deserves to shine and number two to eat more tapioca pudding, cause the cassava farmer needs us!”
• Woodrow Flanders of Vicksburg Mississippi wants to be progressive and really change things up. “I’ve had this growth, they think it’s an unformed twin, on my left hip all of my life, it’s taken my 23 years to save the money but this year old Gavin is finally getting cut off.”
• On the other hand, Jessica Skinner of Las Vegas is keeping it simple, “I’m going to learn how to shuffle cards, it really annoys my boyfriend that I can’t so I’m going to learn how.”
• University of New Mexico student Ravi Pinto has one determination, “Do laundry, I can’t afford to keep buying clothes.”
• In Atlanta Jean Pastiche says, “No resolutions - just a word for the year – lachrymal”
• Denverite Joe Scott feels he really needs to make some changes but is starting with diet. “I’m giving up lady fingers and peanut butter cup pizza, my cholesterol is terrible and my weight sucks, so it’ll be hard giving up my favorites I’m going to do it!”
• Maude Norris or Los Angeles is hoping to make 2012 the year she finally kills a chupacabra. “I hear they are good eating,” she said.
• Former major league player Carl Everett has two ambitious goals, “I want to stay the fuck out of jail, and be a ringer on the Lowes softball Team.”

Yes some ambitious resolutions, some traditional ones we hope that you can take some inspiration from those we spoke to and make some significant changes yourself, remember “New Year, New You!”

Denver Pastor, Comedian Not Interested In Tim Tebow

Pastor and comedian Reid Syder

DENVER, CO – Pastor Reid Snyder of the Foothills Community Church is a bit of an oddity, he is the lead pastor for a congregation of 700 and moonlights as a stand-up comedian ten to 15 days a month. But what makes Snyder even more unusual is that he has no real opinion on Tim Tebow.

“I know as a Christian pastor, especially here in in the heart of Broncomania I’m supposed to,” said Snyder. “But quite honestly I think I have more to do from my place in the pulpit than discuss the testimony of one local athlete regardless of his position or fame.”

However Snyder also has not used Tebow as a prop in any of his recent performances, while nationally Jay Leno and Saturday Night Live have, as has the HBO host/comedian Bill Maher in a controversial Tweet.

“I’ll be honest, I’m not a topical comedian,” said Snyder. “I’m more in the Jerry Clower or even perhaps Bill Cosby mode, I tell stories about growing up in Chaffee County and anecdotes about the moles on my Aunt Brenda’s nose, as a pastor I stay clean and not veer into the blue and frankly tawdry areas.”

“It’s easy to spew a lot of profanity about God and country and the negative in the world,” Snyder continued. “That’s not my calling, that’s not my way, I have to say we’ve had a number of Christian athletes in the town, some who still do the Lord’s work like Karl Mecklenberg and home grown superstars like Chauncey Billups so all of this hoopla doesn’t fit into my life, not like telling people about the time my Uncle Levi went ice fishing with some dynamite and his retriever Porthos.”

Snyder has a growing popularity and appears at Wits End, Comedy Works and the Impulse Theater once a month. He has appeared at several other regional clubs and in Dallas and Kansas City.

Asked if he was a Bronco fan living in Colorado and growing up in Colorado, Snyder, 43 said he was but had reservations about Tebow as a player.

“I think is probably a decent guy, he appears humble and authentic, but his delivery is awkward at best, honestly I think that’s what attracts attention of cornerbacks and other comedians, his delivery of his faith is pretty awkward as well.”

Ask The Vicar: Desperatly Seeking Anyone

Dear Father Knowlen: 
Last year at this time you gave some tips on finding love in the new year none of them worked I'm still a very lonely man and quite frankly close to suicidal depression, what are your words of wisdom? Thanks! ~ Be Needin' Anyone Bad

Dear Needin: 

I remembered your heartfelt request and reexamined my advice. It was really for lonely college students, not desperate adults. All of this advice comes with a caveat: You have to get yourself out there.

You need to find someone as desperate as you, desperate for any human connection, so in thinking about it for you, I believe there are three options:

#1 A street vagabond, you have needs, they have needs for shelter, food, alcohol, drugs, a tender massage of the calves. Find someone and offer yourself to them, open your home and your wallet and ATM card, and remember the other thing ATM stands for, they may do that as well.

#2 A Hooker, prostitute, street walker, whatever you want to call them a hired escort maybe your best way out, appeal to their personal nature, the films “Pretty Woman” and “Trading Places” show that many whores have hearts of gold and are looking for just the right man.

#3 Prison, commit a crime, a serious crime, leave a great deal of forensic evidence, try to get caught on film and then confess and plead guilty. Once in prison become someone’s bitch, you’ll have security, affection and all the things you long for, and possibly a prolapsed rectum but all relationships have tradeoffs.

Please let me know how things work out my friend, I will be very curious and as always raying for your soul.

Man Dials 911 Because He Can't Come Up With New Year's Resolution

Jack McDaniels was hospitalized this morning over
the stress he felt with the upcoming new year.

LINCOLN, NE - Jack McDaniels is regarded as one of the most easy going guys you'll ever meet by his family, his friends, and even most of his co-workers.

"Jack is just one of those nice guys that you want to be your friend," said Jane Miller, who works with Jack at a local Popeye's. "He's always more concerned about others than he is of himself. He's the type of guy who'd take a bullet for you, I know it."

However, McDaniels was hospitalized this morning for an as of yet undiagnosed mental disorder because he dialed 911. "Apparently Mr. McDaniels was struggling with his inability to come up with an adequate New Year's resolution for himself," Clark Baker, the EMT who treated McDaniels on the scene, told us. "I've heard a lot of crazy reasons why people dial 911, but this one takes the cake in my book."

"Dude was acting pretty crazy, though," Baker commented. "It was like he was fighting an inner demon that was cooking broccoli in his liver."

McDaniels was taken to Saint Elizabeth Regional, where his current status is unknown because of privacy laws.

McDaniels' mother Lisa says this behavior is completely uncharacteristic for her son. "Normally he's a go-getter guy with a gun on his hip," Lisa told us. "He's always ready to be firing it to help other people out of some sort of problem or help himself be able to get into a better position in life."

Lisa shook her head. "I guess his gun misfired this time. That happens to the best of us at some point, I guess."

Miller says that she and his other friends at Popeye's are waiting for him with open arms... when he's ready to come back. "Sometimes you just need to take a break from life," said Miller. "I hope that's what Jack is doing right now."

Your Daily Horrorscope

Horrorscope For 12/28/11:

If today is your birthday: There’s going to be some unpleasantness with alternate realities and your doppelganger killing  Hu Jintao, Paramount Leader of the People's Republic of China and causing a serious global emergency, I’m telling you this so you’ll understand when Seal Team six shows up and kills you.

Aries: You’ll spend all of this week sitting in a lousy hotel room. Mostly weeping because no one is going to comment on your brilliant blog post.

Taurus: Trying to solve strange and bizarre mystery of what is in that old container in the back of the fridge will lead you to a tribe of cannibal pygmies, after that the stars are really unclear.

Gemini: You should start taking the pills again, there’s a three percent chance the pharmacist is not trying to poison you.

Cancer: Coating the end of the gun with a peppermint glaze will help you get rid of the metallic taste, after that there will be no taste worries ever again.

Leo: Goodbye forever. I mean it this time.

Virgo:  Abusing vast quantities of recreational drugs and having wild unprotected sex with strippers is exactly how to spend the last week of 2011, how did you guess?

Libra: It saddens me to say it, but your aura is weak, your spiritual death is imminent, good thing this will not affect your job as a personal trainer for Gold’s Gym.

Scorpio: Your daughter has sold you to a bunch of interdimensional soul eaters for the Droid tablet you failed to get her for Christmas, next year listen!

Sagittarius: I know a secret martial arts monastery where a guy can learn the secrets of taking multiple blows to the groin and then getting right back up, and you don’t, this amuses me.

Capricorn: Today you’ll discover hell really isn’t other people, it is a cold, empty place where demons snack on your entrails and make you repeat your sin of stealing the September 1984 Vanessa Williams issue of Penthouse from the Circle K over and over again for all eternity.

Aquarius: The Stars are suggesting... no, no, the possibility is too awful to contemplate.

Pisces: Dave the office boy has been warning you about that $4.30 you owe him for three weeks, no more warnings.

Sears & Kmart Shut Over 100 Stores Because Shopping There Just Sucks

Sears Holdings announced today that over 100 Sears and Kmart stores will be closing today simply because these store suck to shop in.

This has been a trend as of late as Sears Holdings has only been able to access $400 million in revenues this past year, less than 10% of what they were bringing in before the recession of 2008.

"I just can't bring myself to shop at Sears or Kmart," said John Cummings, 42, of Omaha, NE. "It's dirty, it smells like ramen noodles, and my shoes get covered in dog shit because all the homeless squat in there overnight."

Jane Branson, 68, of Seattle, WA, had a similar observation. "When I want to go to shop for new clothes, I shouldn't have to bring them home and run them through the washing machine 10 times just to be able to wear them without a terrible stench following me everywhere I go."

Many customers echoed the fact that even though they hate going to Walmart and dealing with their creepy geriatric greeters, they can at least save a few bucks at Walmart whereas they can't save any money by shopping at Sears and Kmart. "I can get better clothes at Target for less money," said Beth Sunderland, 27, of Denver, CO. "I can get the same toys and movies and Walmart for less money. I can even buy my milk cheaper at the grocery store. There's just no reason to step into one of their stores. In fact, the last time I did I had to take a xanax later because I felt so terrible."

Sears Holdings expects to make up to $170 million off of these closures. Branson says she doesn't know how. "You couldn't pay me to go back into a Sears or Kmart, much less buy their crap on sale," she said.  "If I wanted a colonoscopy, I'd go to a doctor. If I want clothes on sale, I'll go to J.C. Penney."

Cummings says that he might be tempted by a sale on video games. "But truth be told," said Cummings, "I'd take the sale flyer to Best Buy and ask them to match the deal or come close to it. You just can't scrub off the filth you get on you at a Kmart or a Sears, man."

Pummelo Sportsbook: Week 2

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Cheese Chasing - Cheese chasing is an event whereby members of an English village called Brockworth in Gloucestershire, send a good-sized cheese down a steep hill whereupon all the cheese-chasing contestants chase after it before it falls flat and becomes out of play.

Week 2 odds for highest number of cheese captures:

Gruber – 2/1 (Grabbed his first victory of the season)

Eder – 3/1 (Only trails Gruber by 2 cheeses)

Lechner – 4/1 (Strong showing first week, no signs of ankle problems just yet)

Goossens – 4/1 (New comer from Belgium surprised many, only trails Gruber by 4)

Hristov – 15/1 (Rumors continue to swirl about failed alcohol rehab program)

Poulsen – 20/1 (Fell down three times, coordination remains an issue)

O’Brien – 20/1 (Decent showing for first contest but is distracted by the ladies)

Lynch – 40/1 (Can stand to lose some weight, preferably 30-40)

Smith – 40/1 (Not a bad showing for his first race, needs to avoid wearing cycling shorts)

Clarke – 80/1 (Did surprising well without his wheelchair)

Wife Carrying – Contestants in Finland have the great honor of holding the annual Wife Carrying World Championships. Participants simply grab a hold of their significant other and carry her (or him) to the finish line faster than the other competitors.

League games are hosted in the small town of Sonkajärvi in upper Savo, in the eastern part of Finland. The rules say nothing at all about the weight of the wife, only that she can be yours as well as somebody else's.

Week 2 odds for winning the race:

Korhonen – 3/1 (Finished in 2^nd place but only 1 second behind Neiminen)
Neiminen – 3/1 (First place last week, wife lost 20 lbs over the summer)
Laine – 6/1 (Third place finish is respectable, wife could lose 5 lbs to challenge leaders)
Koskinen – 8/1 (Good showing. Wife needs to wear a bra to keep husband focused)
Saarinen – 10/1 (Mrs. bad knee looks fine so far but Mr. looks like he put on a few lbs)
Niemi – 15/1 (Rookie year, good showing, husband carried wife first. Will it change?)
Heikkila – 35/1 (Rookie year. Husband has chicken legs and arms & wife yells a lot)
Salonen – 35/1 (Newcomer. Unique technique by throwing wife over shoulder)
Rantanen – 60/1 (Second year. It appears that one of them is on medication this year)