Ask Uncle Mike: Should We Call French Whores "Freedom" Whores?

Uncle Mike gives sage and sometimes uncouth love advice.
That's what 20 years of marriage can do to a man.

Dear Uncle Mike: I really like prostitutes. And when I say I really like prostitutes, I mean that I really like prostitutes. I don't want to say that I love them because that means I love my Mom and I love prostitutes and that just sounds bad. There's nothing like looking up an escort in the phone book, asking for a sensual massage, and then getting a $200 horizontal mambo in a dinky hotel room going on a couple nights a week, or even three if the overtime comes in. I love me all sorts of babes - I love me some midgets, some tall, leggy broads, and I even love me some of those hairy European girls that don't shave anything but their little mustache hairs if you're lucky. But the girls I love the best are the French girls. There's something about a French whore that makes me feel warm and tingly inside, and not because I've gotten VD. I don't want to seem unpatriotic, though, because I don't want to have to watch my back because someone gets offended because I like French sex better than anything else - so should I call my favorite French whores "Freedom" whores now so that no one will lynch me? ~ Concerned in Carson City

Dear Concerned in Carson City:

Congrats on finding whores! They are like the best things in life behind a banana birthday cake, a night with my Uncle Kevin, and wearing pantyhose. Trust me on the pantyhose thing.

Yeah, I see your point. There are a lot of crazy people in this world right now and people get offended at the slightest things. I can remember the day I could say "chink" without people thinking I was slandering slanty-eyed people, not to mention I could say the word "spic" without having people think I was referring to the gardner who my Uncle Kevin secretly bangs on Thursdays. People should just grow the fuck up, if you ask me, but that's never going to happen.

I don't like the sound of "Freedom" whores myself, Concerned in Carson City. I like the idea of "Free" whores, but that's a different story. And yeah, you might offend someone by calling your girl a "French" whore because they view it as un-American, but these are also the same people who haven't gotten laid in 20 years and play with guns because they're too afraid to masturbate properly.

Tell you what - if you're really concerned about someone blowing your head off because you call your girl a "French" whore, then just keep your mouth shut and don't say anything. You've paid enough - your mouth shouldn't be open anyways - hers should.