What’s That Stench? Murder, of Course. (Day 1)

CUBA, NM – Opening arguments were made in the Cuba courtroom in the trial of a woman accusing her husband of trying to murder her on February 5, 2012. Inside the small courtroom, 64-year-old Dorothy Moskowitz accused her husband of 42 years, Joseph Moskowitz, of trying to kill her on Superbowl Sunday through methane gas. When the court asked if she thought Mr. Moskowitz was trying to blow up their house through a gas leak, Dorothy responded, “No, he’s trying to kill me with his butt.” When asked to elaborate on her accusation of attempted murder, Mrs. Moskowitz went into great detail.

“We both agreed that we would fend for ourselves on this Sunday and I knew he was up to something when he got up that morning. He had scrambled eggs with salsa, a couple of sausage biscuits, and a glass of V8. That’s way too much spicy stuff for him, even on Superbowl Sunday,” quoted Dorothy. “For lunch he boiled some eggs and ate two cans of tuna fish on Rye bread. Joe will eat tuna fish but he never eats more than one can.” When the court asked about the significance of the hard-boiled eggs, Mrs. Moskowitz replied, “He only eats hard-boiled eggs on Easter.”

“After lunch,” Dorothy continued, “Joe kept snacking on his eggs and bag of Pork Rinds he bought at the gas station. Of course, nobody in here knows it but all of those things give Joe really bad gas. And I started to wonder if he was trying to kill himself,” Mrs. Moskowitz wondered out loud. “But that wasn’t his plan at all,” she said. “As the Superbowl started, Joe ate hot wings, pepperoni pizza, and drank three cans of Coors Light. All of these, of course, give him lots of gas.” When the court asked Mrs. Moskowitz how did she know that Mr. Moskowitz was trying to kill her, she stated that the signs started early.

“During the game Joe was passing gas and wasn’t making any attempt to open a window. Although the sound and smell was extremely vulgar, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” The court asked Dorothy what she expected and she replied, “I thought he’d need some Aloe Vera because butt would burn so bad. I found out later that wasn’t the case.” When asked about what happened later, Mrs. Moskowitz’s voice became very stern as she stared at her husband. “Joe kept passing gas through the entire game and our house started to smell like a P.E. locker room but again, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been.”

“After the game was over, we got ready for bed and there was nothing out of the ordinary with him. However, in the middle of the night I heard a loud sound and I thought it was semi-truck blaring its horn on the highway. As I rolled over I found myself caught in a thick cloud of methane gas. It had literally taken my breath away and it was difficult to breathe. My eyes were watering and I was gasping for air. The only way I survived was by rolling off of the bed and onto the floor.” During this testimony, Joseph Moskowitz began to laugh and Dorothy stood up and yelled at him, “It’s not funny Joseph!!” “At that moment,” Dorothy continued, “I realized that the semi-truck horn was Joe’s butt and I couldn’t breathe because of the nuclear waste that he had emitted into the air. He tried to kill me and his eating behavior for the entire day proves it.”

The Pummelo will continue to cover this trial as Mr. Moskowitz takes the stand and provides his testimony.