National Police Blotter

Like all citizens, The Pummelo takes National Security very serious and to do our part, we are searching the country for trends in violence and terrorism so that all of us remain informed and alert. Here are the violators from the past week:

GEORGIA – A local woman contacted the police department about an intoxicated man walking down her street towards the elementary school. Local law enforcement officials tracked down the individual and stopped him for questioning. It turned out that the one of the man’s legs is shorter than the other and that was the cause of his unusual walking technique, not intoxication. No reports were filed.

WASHINGTON – A young woman called local authorities in a panic saying that her house had been burglarized. When asked if there was any signs of forced entry, the woman said “No but my $30 belt from Saks is missing.” The department informed the woman that they would send someone over to fill out a report. Ten minutes later the woman called back and said it was mistake and that there had been no burglary; she had found her Saks belt under the couch. The department advised the woman to check her house carefully for missing items before reporting a burglary.

WISCONSIN – Local police department officials were dispatched to the Lutheran Church after getting a call from the Pastor about theft. Upon investigation, the Pastor reported that their large, yard banner, a value of approximately $120, had been stolen. The banner’s message, “Let’s Meet at My House Before the Game” was meant to bring in more community members on Sundays. Replacement lawn stake signs, with the Green Bay Packers logo painted on each one, were left in the banners place. Police department officials are still investigating the incident.

VERMONT – An intoxicated college student offered to pay a tow truck driver $500 if he would help them pull their car out of a ditch and promised not contact the authorities. The under aged male was turned over to the local authorities and the tow truck driver pulled the golf cart of the ditch and returned it to golf course.

CALIFORNIA – A local police department received a break in a series of incidents involving port-a-potties being knocked by a car at parks and athletic fields. The incidents were under investigation for three weeks until a patrol car found that a license plate had been left behind at the scene. A local man was arrested and charged with destruction of city property.

ARIZONA – An ASU student was seen struggling to keep his balance while attempting to ride his bicycle. The student fell over onto the ground with the bicycle still between his legs; he could not maintain his balance as he attempted to pick himself up. Upon investigation and questioning, the student told the ASU officer that he suffered from Turrets and that is why he couldn’t maintain his balance while riding the bike. The officer, however, detected a very strong odor of alcohol on the student’s breath and his eyes were bloodshot and glossy. The student was taken into custody for Public Intoxication and was required to research Turrets Syndrome upon his release the next day.